Please help me stay strong and actually leave my abusive relationship

[Cryingatthegym]

I've spent the last year or so coming to terms with the fact that I'm stuck in a cycle of abuse and I'm trauma bonded to him. I've read Lundy Bancroft. I've been going to counselling. I've even had him arrested for physically hurting me in front of my kids.

But still.

Every time I get on the brink of saying enough is enough, he wins me back around by being so sweet and affectionate and remorseful and promising to change. It's like he's two completely different people. I'm too exhausted and drained to recall all of the incidents that have happened over the years, but there's some horrible stuff, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. Aggressive, gaslighting, being angry at me for being ill, convincing me I'm crazy, blaming me for everything. Actually. Physically. Fucking. Hurting. Me. When I zoom out and look at it objectively I can see it for exactly what it is. So why does leaving feel so difficult? Why do I feel like I love him so much?

This week there was an incident where he was raging at me for 2 days straight because I told him I missed him and wanted him to spend time with me instead of playing on his computer game. He spent 2 nights refusing to let me sleep and telling me I didn't deserve to sleep in our bed. Telling me how abusive and manipulative and awful I am for saying what I did. Telling me there's something wrong with me for thinking that him refusing to let me sleep was a punishment.

This is pretty standard stuff. But this time something snapped inside of me because my DD10 took it upon herself to message her dad and get him to pick her up because she was scared by him shouting and me crying. That was on Tuesday and she hasn't been home since. That's been the wake up call I needed. But it hurts so fucking much. I feel like I'm grieving my future and the husband I wanted and thought I had. And it's not helped by the fact that he's being so nice to me now, even about the idea of divorcing.

Please help me stay strong and follow through with it this time. I feel so pathetic.

How are you doing OP?
Would like to agree with PP who sings the praises of EMDR. It is brilliant.

You must know this is all his fault. He is the one with the mental health issues.

Thanks for asking @PeggyMitchellsCameo and thank you to everyone who has posted. I'm so glad this thread is supporting others too.

I'm ok thanks, the boys have been at nursery for the past couple of days, so I've just been trying to do nice things with DD and get some much needed rest. I'm back at work next week and slightly anxious about how I'll juggle everything on my own while working too, but at least it's the summer holidays so I won't have uniforms and clubs and the school run to worry about for a few weeks while I find my feet.

I'm finding myself ruminating on him and the relationship a lot, I think my brain is trying to make sense of it all. I'm definitely going to ask my GP about EMDR therapy next time I'm there. My therapist told me to start making a list of things I need to start healing, but at the moment I think I just need REST. I feel so completely exhausted, mentally and physically. I can't even contemplate going to the gym or yoga, and they're two things I normally love and spend a lot of time doing.

As much as I'm still grieving, I really want to start looking forwards and moving on. I feel like my self esteem has been destroyed by this relationship, even though I didn't realise that's what was causing it at the time. I became so needy and reliant on his validation. I want to be free of that. I want to not give a shit what he thinks of me, or who he's with, or what he's doing.

The lovely @singlemum81 recommended me a book about recovering from trauma bonds, so that's next on my list to read.

So the boys have gone to his for the first time this afternoon and DD"s gone to her dad's.

As much as I'm ready for a break and some sleep, I feel like such a fuck up sending my kids off to two different dads. I feel like such a failure. I'm deeply ashamed to be a single mum with 3 kids from 2 different fathers.

I'm so used to DD going every week that I thought I'd be ok with the boys going too. But it was so hard. Way harder than I thought it would be. I can't believe this is my life.

H sent me a long apology text today which has made things harder. Apologising for all the ways he's hurt me and for how he's reacted to things. And saying he loves me.

I'm struggling right now.

aww he's not looking forward to the solo childcare he is about to do !
how long are they due to be there ?

shame all these apologies didn't come before he needed arresting...

You think that's why he apologised today @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon? He did put something in there about worrying about me not coping, which I realised is another subtle put down within a supposedly nice message...

I think the apology is entirely self serving. It makes him feel better about himself.

The kids are all due back on Saturday. I feel like I've been hanging on by a thread all week for tonight so I could finally have some peace and unbroken sleep.

And now it's here I just feel broken and empty.

The first few times they go, it’s horrible, but you do learn to enjoy the peace, gives you some time to yourself. It’s quite refreshing. And yes, the apology is only for him, not you. Just another excuse to put you down. Grey rock x

will this be the longest he has ever had the children, all by himself ?
what time today until what time on Sunday ?

expect the phone call that the children need to come home early as one is crying for you ( i.e. putting the blame on you )

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I couldn't say with 100% certainty, but I think so yes. However he has always been pretty hands on with them, so I wasn't concerned until his performance on Tuesday. After that I am half expecting a call at some point.

How are you doing @Cryingatthegym? Has it been nice to have the kids back today? They're lucky to have you as a mum being brave in a difficult situation and putting them first x

Just checking like PP to see how you are doing?

Hey, thanks for asking and apologies for the radio silence. I've been so busy with the kids I've barely had chance to come on Mumsnet. I started back at work today too so that's another thing to take up all my time and energy. It's not necessarily a bad thing though, as it means there's less time for ruminating on the relationship.

I keep having a few 'was it really that bad' moments but have found it helpful to message my brother, who witnessed a few incidents and who I've also confided in a few times over the years when I've been made to feel completely crazy. He very much confirmed that it was indeed that bad, so now when I start having a wobble I go back and read his messages. For some reason it really helps having an outsider confirm it, like that somehow makes it more real?

In other news, I saw on the Amazon account that exH has ordered himself a book called 'loving someone with borderline personality disorder' I told my brother about it and he said that's just another manipulation, because he knows I'll see it and it'll be planting more seeds of doubt in my mind that maybe I am what he says I am.

You're doing great @Cryingatthegym - it's particularly brilliant that your brother is supporting you with his evidence on the toxic relationship. What you need to do now is create your own Amazon account and detach yourself from the joint one... xxx

Just had a thought - alternatively, you could order a book from the same Amazon account with a title along the lines of 'Breaking up from a Narcissist' ;

Lol @BasilParsley that thought did occur to me too. As tempting as it is, I don't think it would go down as intended sadly. It would probably be taken as further evidence of how extreme and unstable I am. I know too well how his mind works now!

A separate Amazon account is somewhere on my long, long, long divorce list...

Hi OP!! You’re doing so well! I’m so happy you can confide in your brother and that he sees what your STBEX is- a manipulative narcissist!

This is from your opening post...

'Actually. Physically. Fucking. Hurting. Me'

About the Amazon book - I've read a lot of posts on here where the abusive person tries to persuade their partner that they have a condition like bi polar or borderline personality etc etc. It's an attempt to gaslight you into believing the problem in the relationship is your mental health, rather than their abuse. It's from the Abusive Person's Handbook on Relationships that all abusive partners seem to have read so that they all behave in the same manipulative way! Don't take ANY notice.

When you say ordered book, has he actually paid for it ? or is it in his basket.
maybe he is planning on reading it to find out about himself :)

No he's actually bought it. Part of his long apology message on Thursday mentioned some reading that he was doing to 'learn how to react better'... He clearly means react to me and my mental illness!

My counsellor today told me how incredibly common it is for abusive men to try to convince women they're crazy. Just like you say @Turtletunes. So I am trying to keep that in mind.

@DaisyChainsandSunnyDays he is certainly manipulative, but I'm uncomfortable using the term narcissist to describe him. I don't know if it fits. He's very unassuming in day to day life. Quiet, introverted. A bit geeky. Humble and modest and polite. You would never, ever suspect that he'd be capable of some of the things he's done and said to me. When I was putting all of our wedding related stuff in the loft I looked through our guest book... The amount of people who wrote that he was the kindest/most generous person they'd ever met. I just thought, if only you knew.

I was thinking earlier about what to do with my wedding and engagement rings and made the mistake of remembering the night he proposed to me. It hurts a lot to think about how happy and hopeful we were that night.

Have a read of Debbie Mirza’s book, “the covert passive aggressive narcissist”. I couldn’t put it down and read it in a single day. It’s eye opening.

OP, if you haven't already read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?', then please do, and see if his description of 'Mr Sensitive' resonates with you.

@Cryingatthegym

he is certainly manipulative, but I'm uncomfortable using the term narcissist to describe him. I don't know if it fits. He's very unassuming in day to day life. Quiet, introverted. A bit geeky. Humble and modest and polite. You would never, ever suspect that he'd be capable of some of the things he's done and said to me

One of the most narcissistic people I ever knew was, on the surface, kind, self-effacing, and oh so polite and helpful. It's easy for a narc to put on their best face when dealing with people who mean nothing and can offer nothing to them. Or from whom they may feel they can gain advantages. But cross that person or 'deny them' and you quickly see the monster that lurks beneath the surface.

I was lucky in that I was 'merely in the vicinity' and not in the line of their fire. But the hell and havoc they rained on the people who (as they put it) 'disappointed them' was fearsome to behold. This was a work situation and I saw them ruin the lives and careers of two wonderful coworkers.

So don't think for one second that your stbx isn't a narc. Anyone who can be as thoroughly manipulative and destructive as him is a narc. A covert one perhaps, but still a narc.

Yes I have read Lundy Bancroft and the Mr Sensitive profile definitely fits him well. He also has some elements of Mr Right and The Water Torturer. I'm still not sure if that makes him narcissistic though?

I think I'm loathe to throw around such labels when he's so determined to label me with a personality disorder to be honest.

Stop imagining you need to play by some kind of marital Marquess of Queensbury rules here. Separating yourself from your abuser requires you to be clear eyed about what kind of creature you are fighting. Sure the label “narcissist “ gets thrown around. But its also a damned good heuristic for sorting out his behavior and making it predictable. This helps you know how to handle yourself. Just as you prepare yourself for going snake hunting by learning about snakes. If you don’t know what to research you may make the mistake of treating a King Cobra as though its a fluffy bunny.

While helping a relative through her divorce from a man who was actually diagnosed a narcissist, I learned that narcissism is not an unusual thing. There are a lot of narcissistic about. There are a lot of them around. Not easy to initially spot because they can be very charming and present as kind etc.

I think I used to think it was a rare trait so also believed the label was, as you say, bandied about. But the likelihood is it isn't bandied about; those people being labelled are very likely narcissists.

Your stbx definitely sounds like a covert / passive / quiet narcissist to me.