being accused of spoiling...

[nervousnanna]

Im a new nana! we got one grandson in November and another arrived in April. Im lucky in that the May baby lives round the corner and i see him almost everyday.

Not so lucky that the November one lives maybe an hours drive away, so although not impossible to visit, its more difficult, so probably see once a week, sometime once a fortnight depending on work schedules.

We have kitted out our house so that we can take either grandbaby at a moments notice without too much upheavel, so we have it all, cot, crib, changing mats, snuggle pods, pram, car seat.. everything... i admit its all second hand, buts its good second hand and im big on recycling where i can, and it means that the November baby can visit and mum and dad dont have to fill their car with all the usual equipment.

I can't seem to do right for doing wrong. November baby is to DSS and his partner, and her mum is furious at me because i've made such an effort and that she thinks that i'm trying to win favour! November babies other grandparents live just round the corner but have no intention of getting anything in and when baby visits its a chore for mum and dad as they have to cart it all about.

So then to April baby.. mum is my DD, and her husbands mum lives about a 2 hour drive away, and they very rarely see her, but she's making the same noises as the grand parents to November baby.. I'm trying to win favour by having everything to hand?

To me it seems like common sense, its not cost us much, and we don't splash cash around, but I remember when mine were little and it was a nightmare visiting relatives.

I don't boast or brag about what we have, i assume the children tell the other parents.. i think i just need an outside point of view on it?

Sounds very petty but also a bit ott on your part.

dont worry about it and enjoy the beautiful babies. xx the complainers will soon find something else to complain about

I see nothing wrong in what you are doing and would actually grateful that you have it well thought out to save new parents stress of bringing everything with them for visits .

I don't think it's OTT at all, I think it's sensible and would have loved my MIL (who was an involved Grandma but didn't live close) to be helpful like that.

Completely IGNORE the criticism, your making them look bad, because they are not dedicated grandparents.

Well done for being an absolutely fantastic parent and grandparent.

If they are feeling made to look less than the doting grandparents they could be, that's because the truth hurts. They are!

Keep up the good work OP I've wished all my kids lives for a grandparent like you.... Do not change

It's really not OTT at all, it's extemely helpful and it also shows her willingness to give the parents a break. She's a fantastic grandparent who deserves nothing but praise

I think the other grandparents comments reflect more on themselves that you. It's all a bit silly on their part.

You sound like a wonderful Grandmother and your family sound very lucky to have you.

Congratulations on your grandchildren and enjoy every second ❤️

Both my parents and my in-laws have a set-up like yours. My mum doesn't have a big income, so everything was second hand or gifted. My in-laws are well off so they got everything new.

Absolutely loved it, loved how welcome my children were at their houses, how much pressure it took off me as a new mum not to have to think about everything my baby might need on a visit.
I really don't understand what the fuss is about.

However, I do think there's more going on, in terms of competitiveness. My mum and MIL did have a thing going on where they were both insecure that the children were going to love the other grandmother more and would use any situation to ask for reassurance. I've always been very stern with them that I don't want any negativity or competitiveness, not around me and certainly not around my children. It's mostly died down now (children are 5 and 3 now)

If I were you, I'd nip this in the bud and have an conversation with the other grandmothers. You all love the same children, and these babies can only benefit from having more people who love them. You're all going to love them in your own way, and you should all be happy for the children and the grandchildren that they are surrounded with loving family. All this negativity and judgement isn't good for anyone, especially the babies.

I think it's just a nice thing to do. My mum kept a travel cot, nappies, toys, books, spare clothes etc at home when our kids were little. ILs were both (and still are both) working so they didn't set up like that but I understood, as their circumstances were different.

My mum has done exactly the same as you and has been so handy and I am so grateful to her! My in laws haven’t (also aren’t commenting though on what my mum has done) but tbh we do see them less as it is more hassle to go over there. Going to my mums is so easy as is like a home away from home

I can't read anything into this other than you doing something kind and thoughtful to help the parents out.
Enjoy being a grandparent, congratulations!

So who is it who is telling you that the other grandparents' noses are out of joint? The babies' parents or the GPs themselves?

What was actually said to you, and who said it?

From your post, which is a bit unclear (you mention a May baby as well as a November and an April baby -- is this a typo?), it sounds as if its the other set of grandparents of the November and April babies who are being critical of your purchases, not the parents of either child? But did the other grandparents get in touch with you and tell you this? or is the disapproval being passed on by your children? If so, why?

X-post. This is the key question, I think.

I have done the same, cot/bedding/highchair ( mine refurbished ) toys (some new some from their mum/dad childhood) changing mat, my son/DIL visit every 3 or 4 weeks and I buy in creams/wipes/nappies etc, what they don’t use they take home and I restock. I have a set of draws in the spare room which is for their use and I keep it topped up with toiletries etc, they use what they need take home anything they need and I restock.

I know the other nana things it’s OTT and I don’t care, they have a 2 hour journey with 4 small children, all they have to bring is their clothes and the pushchair. When they go home the car is packed tight with all the things they’ve opened here, included food things like squash and all the extras I’ve bought in especially which of course nana and grandpa won’t eat 😂.

its a little way towards helping them out, financially as well as cutting down the packing of the car.

I’ve edited to add having seen other posts asking how I know the other nana things it to much, I don’t know about the OP, but in my case, I get on very well with her, we’re chalk and cheese, but get one well at functions etc, but she teases me about it, sometimes a little too harshly if you know what I mean. But as I explained to her, she lives 5 minutes from them I’m 2 hours there’s a difference, it’s difficult because I have a little spare income to her struggling so maybe she feels she would like to do more 🤷🏼‍♀️, but she feeds them every 2 or 3 weeks and takes them out and treats them so I think it’s about even. She just says she doesn’t have the room and is glad her home isn’t full of baby stuff anymore. It’s not a competition it’s just the card we’ve been dealt

apologies... typo! November and April babies. and yes its the babies parents that are telling me?

i do simply say to them, i can only be me and do me and this is what i feel is the right thing to do. I dont think theres any malice in their telling me, maybe frustration on their part and they are certainly not telling me NOT to do it.

my DD's husbands mum is a little bit more complicated.. he moved in with us at 16 years old when him and DD first got into a relationship. his mum has always had a bee in her bonnet about my relationship with him. his mum didnt have custordy of him as a child, he lived with his dad and his brother. DD and husband are now mid 20's, are married, have their own home and now a baby, both have very good jobs and are doing well.

Agree with everyone else OP, it's a lovely thing to do.

And IME it's normal for involved grandparents to kit out their home with items needed to care for a baby.

There's nothing at all wrong with what you're doing.

Both sets of grandparents in experience kitted their homes out when grandchildren started being born.

It's a lovely, considerate thing to do.

My mam loves having things around her house that are clearly for little children, she just loves being a nanny!

Both sets of grandparents in experience kitted their homes out when grandchildren started being born.

I mean I guess there is nothing wrong with that but I would have thought my parents and PILs were insane if they had got in "cot, crib, changing mats, snuggle pods, pram, car seat.. everything" even if it was second hand, way before my baby was even born. It is just not something that happens in my experience (obviously it does in other people's from this thread) and I would have felt smothered - like they were just waiting for the moment they could swoop in and take the baby. I know it isn't meant like that, but that is how I would have felt.

I'd have loved it absolutely loved it. It shows that the family are there to support you and willing to help in my opinion.

We've never had alot of help from anyone, never felt supported. Don't get me wrong we've been able to ask the odd occasion but we've also been let know it's a chore and not something that's enjoyed

my DD's husbands mum is a little bit more complicated.. he moved in with us at 16 years old when him and DD first got into a relationship. his mum has always had a bee in her bonnet about my relationship with him. his mum didnt have custordy of him as a child, he lived with his dad and his brother

OK, then -- surely it's very obvious why in her circumstances she may resent you, because she wasn't his mother in the usual sense for his childhood, and clearly feels you have been his mother in a way she wasn't? Unless she's verbally attacking you when you meet, I would ignore. These are her issues to deal with, and presumably she's got a lot of stuff going on if she didn't live with him as a child at all...?

Just tell the babies' parents to stop passing on this stuff, you don't need to hear it. Though, to be honest, I think that when someone is needlessly passing on criticism from a third party to the person being criticised, it tends to indicate some uneasiness about the issue from the person passing on the remarks.

I know my DH's nephew's wife finds my lovely SIL waaay too overpowering as a long-distance grandmother in terms of purchases. It's all absolutely well-meant, and her DIL likes her and appreciates that, but she also feels (I think correctly) that the fitting out of entire rooms of their house is a displaced reproach for the fact that they're raising their baby in another country, and as the foreign DIL, that this is her 'fault', as my SIL is a deeply local individual, who lives less than a mile from where she grew up and sees her parents and sister daily. Sometimes a lot of purchasing of stuff can pull up other kinds of pressures, sadnesses etc.

Don't worry about these comments OP. You haven't done anything wrong.

i do think my actions are in part because i had no help and support when my babies came along. i litterally had no one to support me.

Yeah, I'd have found it completely over the top, too, but I'm quite minimalist, and DS was born in a tiny London flat with a minimum of stuff purely on the grounds of room. We didn't have a car, so never used a car seat, we used a sling/carrier so no pushchair, one-bed flat so no nursery etc. So it would have felt quite strange for someone in another country to have a massive stash of stuff disproportionate to what the baby's home had.

Op I think you've done such a sweet thing. And to include all the new parents and make them all feel relevant is especially lovely to see. My inlaws were the complete opposite. Only accommodating one set of grandkids and making sure we knew toys and playpen (play pen was actually bought using money mil took out of a card that was meant for my dd) were for her middle sons kids and not ours. Ignore the noise. All those grandkids are super lucky to have you.