being accused of spoiling...

[nervousnanna]

Im a new nana! we got one grandson in November and another arrived in April. Im lucky in that the May baby lives round the corner and i see him almost everyday.

Not so lucky that the November one lives maybe an hours drive away, so although not impossible to visit, its more difficult, so probably see once a week, sometime once a fortnight depending on work schedules.

We have kitted out our house so that we can take either grandbaby at a moments notice without too much upheavel, so we have it all, cot, crib, changing mats, snuggle pods, pram, car seat.. everything... i admit its all second hand, buts its good second hand and im big on recycling where i can, and it means that the November baby can visit and mum and dad dont have to fill their car with all the usual equipment.

I can't seem to do right for doing wrong. November baby is to DSS and his partner, and her mum is furious at me because i've made such an effort and that she thinks that i'm trying to win favour! November babies other grandparents live just round the corner but have no intention of getting anything in and when baby visits its a chore for mum and dad as they have to cart it all about.

So then to April baby.. mum is my DD, and her husbands mum lives about a 2 hour drive away, and they very rarely see her, but she's making the same noises as the grand parents to November baby.. I'm trying to win favour by having everything to hand?

To me it seems like common sense, its not cost us much, and we don't splash cash around, but I remember when mine were little and it was a nightmare visiting relatives.

I don't boast or brag about what we have, i assume the children tell the other parents.. i think i just need an outside point of view on it?

I don't really see what you've done wrong. I have cousins who are a range of ages and growing up there was always a cot and a high chair and various baby stuff at my grandparents' houses. And now I have children my parents have a cot and high chair, and my in laws have a cot, high chair, pram, changing mat.
High chair isn't needed by us anymore but they're both hanging onto it for potential future grandchildren.

I probably wouldn't have bothered with a crib. But I don't think it's wildly over the top.

We have the same set up at our home OP. Just you wait until the children are aged toddlers +. We appear to have ended up with a LOT of toys they don’t have room for at their own houses 😂. Ignore what anyone else thinks, our lot love not having to lug stuff around from house to house.

I think what you have done is very kind and helpful.
How lovely for both couples to know that the basics are all there when they visit.
My SIL recently became a grandmother for the first time and has done the exact same. Both her children will travel hours to visit and she was offered nearly new items from friends and family, which she happily has set up in a room.
I wouldn't give it any further thought.
What they think is none of your business.
You have every right to do whatever you like in your own home.

@nervousnanna Well both sets of grandparents to my children had everything required for a baby visit or for baby to stay at short notice , I loved it and thought it was incredibly thoughtful of them 😊

Ignore and ignore some more. Don't allow their insecurities and jealousy to ruin your experience. If they wanted to do what you're doing, no one is stopping them.

I'm a new grandmother, too, and I have everything my daughter/grandchild needs at my house, like you do. My daughter loves it because she can just bring the baby in his car seat and not have to deal with the faff of everything else. One of our bedrooms is officially "The Baby's Room" and we wouldn't have it any other way.

What I have form your first post is that they don't want to make an effort but accuse you to make too much effort.
I'm sorry OP you can't never get it right with people like that.

As soon as the arrangements suits the parents of your grandkids and yourself go for it.

I think you've done a nice thing but the same happened to me when expecting DD. Except that my parents made a big point of buying the most expensive top of the line everything that gazumped everything I'd bought for my baby, redecorated their spare room using more money than I'd so carefully put aside to decorate my nursery and buy what we needed.
Mine was the first grandchild and the novelty wore off very quickly (less than a year). There have been another 4 babies since then by my sisters (DD is 12 now), no effort to babysit or decorate or have equipment ready for any of them. Mine was the only child to receive a very brief bit of grandparent care.
Boggles the mind really.

You sound like an excellent granny. Ignore the complainers.
Like my sister and I used to laugh, If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
Congratulations on becoming a Nana. ❤️

Goodness OP, I'm sorry they've been so critical! I think you've been so thoughtful and generous!
I had my first baby last year and my parents live about a 20min car journey away - me and DC have frequent overnight trips and DH often works late/is abroad and I keep telling myself that I need to buy all this stuff for their house as I keep having to pack a tonne of stuff everytime we stay over. It's a real faff! I think your DC who is complaining hasn't experienced having to pack and lug her stuff about perhaps and so doesn't know what a good thing she's got! I think it's a bizarre thing to complain about really!

Edit: and congratulations on being a nana! You sound like you're doing a wonderful job 🥰

The only OTT I'd wonder at is seeing your DD's baby every day, even if you are just around the corner. But if your DD doesn't have a problem with that, then it's OK. Can't say I'd want my DM popping in every day to see my baby, love her though I do, a new family need their own space at times too.

My parents were exactly the same. They had one of everything so I wouldn't have to lug things around. I appreciated it beyond words.

'If I were you, I'd nip this in the bud and have a conversation with the other grandmothers.'

Goodness, do NOT do this! This is for the adult children to raise with their parents if they wish. There is clearly a very delicate background with OPs DD as he didn't live with his mother growing up and lived with OP for a period as a teenager.

I might discuss with my own child, but otherwise I would just keep quiet and rise above it, and be aware for the future this is an area which needs to be approached sensitively.

i agree in part... i do see baby nearly every day.. but i don't just drop in, i ask and if they have other plans then i don't. and i dont drop in and just cuddle the baby, i make a point of hugging my daughte first and telling her i love her, and then i get the chores done she needs doing or i send her to bed..

i suffered massive PND after my children which got very serious.. i'm keeping an eye on her, she's suffered a loss before baby was born and hasn't dealt with that properly yet..

im encouraging her to go out on her own, shes terrified that the baby does not like her or that she is harming him in some way... and it breaks my heart because she really is doing well.

im sure as baby gets older, she will need me less and less... like i said i got zero help and it was hard

Honestly ignore ALL criticism, I'd have given my right arm for the support your giving your daughter.

She will never ever forget what you've done for her

I'd be over joyed! Napping at the in laws is a right pain as there's no where to put him. They have a high chair. No toys so have to lug things over. No safety things, don't move stuff, baby is 1 and walking now. No car seat which is a pain occasionally. Only thing I think wasn't probably needed is a pram. But other than that. I'd be so happy. I've had to buy cutlery and crockery etc for when we eat there even though they got a high chair as there was nothing.

My mam did the exact same thing. We were 5/10 mins away, but when I'm popping in for a cuppa or for lunch I really don't want to be dragging a high chair with me. My 2 older children stayed over once per month from about 4 months old so it made sense she had her place foe them to sleep and when I returned to work they both spent 2 days per week there so a pushchair/cat seat and all the other bits were completely necessary.
My youngest stayed over once per week from.abiut 8 months old due to various things and it worked for us.
My ILs lived closer and chose not to do anything for the children (my husband is 1 of 4 so loads of grandkids - we totally understood their decisions).
You've done nothing wrong enjoy your beautiful grandchildren xxx

parents often forget that their children also have a right to grandparents/aunts/uncles, and instead some parents think their children are their own property. in many cultures, your way is the norm. your grandchildren are very lucky!

It's lovely! The others are feeling jealous/inadequate, which is understandable eg if they don't have enough space/money, but they have to live with it and stop thinking of themselves.

Prioritise your grandchildren.

Interesting - I think I might have had some concerns like these - at first - but as the months/years went on, I would have been so grateful not to have had to cart all the kit around. We had to bring blow up bed, duvet etc once DS2 was out of the travel cot as PIL only had one single bed and not even a spare duvet.

You sound like a lovely grandparent. Take no notice, if the others are feeling crap because they didn't get all the stuff you did that's there problem. You have gone above and beyond what a typical grandparent would but there's nothing wrong with that.

It sounds lovely OP. The only thing I’d suggest is trying to shut down the passing on of comments from the other grandparents. You suggests they think you are trying to win favour, maybe ask your DDs to be clear that not why you are doing it and reinforce the line that there is not limit on how much love a GC can have etc. and ask them not to make a big deal of how helpful it is.

I think it’s lovely and my mum and SD did pretty much the same. She’s got a Cot, bumbo, high chair, bibs, bedding, wipes, buggy, bouncer and toys. Most of the big stuff was 2nd hand. If I need to leave my baby with mum at a moments notice I just drop her and changing bag off with nappies milk bottles and spare clothes and know she will be fine. Saves a load of ball ache having to take stuff between our homes and mums got plenty of room since all her children have moved out! I think it shows how willing you are to help and support. My MIL and SM are no where near as accommodating for us or their other grandchildren and therefore see them less!

What a lot of drama! I would not worry about what other grandparents think or say, don't get involved in discussions if it's brought up. Just enjoy spending time with your grandchildren and ignore any negative comments that are relayed to you. Why should you care if they've got the hump about this or that? It's their problem, not yours!

When or if i have grandkids im moving to a different country (hopefully) before they are born face time and photos will do me fine.
Im not available for any baby sitting or childcare.😂

Literally ignore them. You sound like a fabulous nanna.