Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

being accused of spoiling...

194 replies

nervousnanna · 13/06/2024 13:28

Im a new nana! we got one grandson in November and another arrived in April. Im lucky in that the May baby lives round the corner and i see him almost everyday.

Not so lucky that the November one lives maybe an hours drive away, so although not impossible to visit, its more difficult, so probably see once a week, sometime once a fortnight depending on work schedules.

We have kitted out our house so that we can take either grandbaby at a moments notice without too much upheavel, so we have it all, cot, crib, changing mats, snuggle pods, pram, car seat.. everything... i admit its all second hand, buts its good second hand and im big on recycling where i can, and it means that the November baby can visit and mum and dad dont have to fill their car with all the usual equipment.

I can't seem to do right for doing wrong. November baby is to DSS and his partner, and her mum is furious at me because i've made such an effort and that she thinks that i'm trying to win favour! November babies other grandparents live just round the corner but have no intention of getting anything in and when baby visits its a chore for mum and dad as they have to cart it all about.

So then to April baby.. mum is my DD, and her husbands mum lives about a 2 hour drive away, and they very rarely see her, but she's making the same noises as the grand parents to November baby.. I'm trying to win favour by having everything to hand?

To me it seems like common sense, its not cost us much, and we don't splash cash around, but I remember when mine were little and it was a nightmare visiting relatives.

I don't boast or brag about what we have, i assume the children tell the other parents.. i think i just need an outside point of view on it?

OP posts:
Ottersmith · 17/06/2024 22:12

If my mil did this it would freak me out and make me think she wanted the baby to stay at hers before we were ready. It's about parenting style as well. We don't have a cot. The baby napped on us. It's presumptuous of parenting style. Does your daughter want you to do these chores and send her to bed? Is it possible she needs space to figure this out for herself? My mil would tell us both to go to bed and that she would look after him, it really annoyed me. She was desperate to have him on her own but he was a newborn, they need their Mother.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 17/06/2024 22:13

It's obviously fine and you're just trying to help out.

However I also would feel completely smothered and suffocated if I were your DC.

My MIL went a bit OTT in getting loads of baby stuff - cot, clothes, highchair, calpol, nappies and we didn't really want to visit all that much (DP didn't really want to stay there too often because his mum is OTT in everything) so it all sort of went to waste, which I felt bad about. I felt that she was trying to emotionally manipulate us (him) into visiting but her desperation really put us off.

My mum, who I visited with the DC often (without DP- during mat leave etc), didn't feel the need to entice me with fancy cots and highchairs. She bought a few books and toys from the local charity shop but she was still working FT and we just muddled along when there which was fine and I really didn't need all that extra stuff.

Trinity65 · 17/06/2024 22:19

longdistanceclaraclara · 13/06/2024 13:37

Sounds very petty but also a bit ott on your part.

You sound petty, and rather nasty.

You are doing nothing wrong OP

CleaningAngel · 17/06/2024 22:23

nervousnanna · 13/06/2024 14:17

apologies... typo! November and April babies. and yes its the babies parents that are telling me?

i do simply say to them, i can only be me and do me and this is what i feel is the right thing to do. I dont think theres any malice in their telling me, maybe frustration on their part and they are certainly not telling me NOT to do it.

my DD's husbands mum is a little bit more complicated.. he moved in with us at 16 years old when him and DD first got into a relationship. his mum has always had a bee in her bonnet about my relationship with him. his mum didnt have custordy of him as a child, he lived with his dad and his brother. DD and husband are now mid 20's, are married, have their own home and now a baby, both have very good jobs and are doing well.

Show quote history

That was a very generous kind thing to do by taking in your son in law as a 16 year old, it says alot about you as a family, at least you gave him some stability.
You sound like a nurturing kind of mum, good on you buying stuff to help out, sod what the other gp say, u carry on being you xx

Hibernating80 · 17/06/2024 22:32

My parents did the same and we were so grateful, it made our lives so much easier and less stressful, and pleasurable to visit.

Your in-laws need to develop their self confidence rather than put you off nice generous gestures that benefit their child and grandchild.

MrsF111 · 17/06/2024 22:56

I’m a new mum with both sets of grandparents far away and they have bought a few bits so we don’t have to cart as much in the car. It’s perfect and much appreciated!

SD1978 · 17/06/2024 23:04

It does seem rather overkill, having a full nursery ready to go just in case, but you've done it with the best of intentions. The other grandparents are just being a tad mean, and I'd ignore them. I'd also wonder why the hell your kids felt the need to tell the other grandparents what set up you have, unless they also see it as a bit silly- they only know because the kids have obviously described it, so they may actually feel the same way. I think it's lively you're excited, and if you're happy, don't bother with others opinions. You're not hurting anyone

Meanwhile33 · 17/06/2024 23:20

You sound lovely op. Just maybe keep an eye on yourself that you’re not being too overprotective of your dd because of what you went through. She needs to find her own way sometimes to help build her confidence, and if you’re there too frequently she might not get enough time to do that.

Delphiniumandlupins · 17/06/2024 23:22

If it's bothering you just ask the parents not to tell you what the other GPs are saying. However, make sure that they can say if they think you are getting too involved. Sounds like you are being a great support to your DD.

GruffaloBill · 17/06/2024 23:23

You sound great and really supportive OP! We've never had help from anyone, and actually visiting the in-laws with a baby is a nightmare (massive dog they can't control, choking hazards all over the floor because they don't hoover much, sharp things lying about etc etc). They have toys and highchairs etc left from older grandkids, which we aren't allowed to use (because they belonged to the special grandkids🙄) I'd be grateful for a MIL like you!

moonseas · 17/06/2024 23:25

nervousnanna · 13/06/2024 13:28

Im a new nana! we got one grandson in November and another arrived in April. Im lucky in that the May baby lives round the corner and i see him almost everyday.

Not so lucky that the November one lives maybe an hours drive away, so although not impossible to visit, its more difficult, so probably see once a week, sometime once a fortnight depending on work schedules.

We have kitted out our house so that we can take either grandbaby at a moments notice without too much upheavel, so we have it all, cot, crib, changing mats, snuggle pods, pram, car seat.. everything... i admit its all second hand, buts its good second hand and im big on recycling where i can, and it means that the November baby can visit and mum and dad dont have to fill their car with all the usual equipment.

I can't seem to do right for doing wrong. November baby is to DSS and his partner, and her mum is furious at me because i've made such an effort and that she thinks that i'm trying to win favour! November babies other grandparents live just round the corner but have no intention of getting anything in and when baby visits its a chore for mum and dad as they have to cart it all about.

So then to April baby.. mum is my DD, and her husbands mum lives about a 2 hour drive away, and they very rarely see her, but she's making the same noises as the grand parents to November baby.. I'm trying to win favour by having everything to hand?

To me it seems like common sense, its not cost us much, and we don't splash cash around, but I remember when mine were little and it was a nightmare visiting relatives.

I don't boast or brag about what we have, i assume the children tell the other parents.. i think i just need an outside point of view on it?

My parents have a cot, sheet, assorted toys, cutlery, crockery, and even a high chair (altho my toddler has now outgrown) and it’s so cute and so helpful - when we stay up there, we have so many things we need in place and don’t need to pack such a huge bag. In contrast, my MIL (many hours drive away) has NOTHING, and everything feels 10x more stressful. You have been helpful and accommodating and as they do more and more trips with baby, they’ll realise how freeing it feels not to have to worry about such large equipment that you’ve got sorted. You’ve done a brilliant job keeping all of these things ready for a moment’s notice. Be proud of yourself for being a fabulous Nanna.

UniversalAunt · 17/06/2024 23:25

‘To me it seems like common sense, its not cost us much, and we don't splash cash around, but I remember when mine were little and it was a nightmare visiting relatives.’

You sound eminently sensible & kind to me.

I bet you keep baby settled whilst new mum has a quiet bath or nap when they come over, just every day moments of calm & consideration of new parents. Hold baby so parents get to eat hot meal put in front of them.

Everyday small things.

ChewbaccasMrs · 18/06/2024 01:07

What you've done for your grandbabies and their parents is lovely and not OTT at all,we've done the same for our Grandson who's 4.

We don't live close by so only see our Grandson about every 6 weeks but when we do see him he stays with us for a week,he has his own bed and bedding here,tons of toys and books,his very own art desk and chair and we're in the middle of completely re doing our back garden so we can put in the new swing,slide and tower set we've bought him,along with tons of other play equipment.

We'd do anything for our DC so we're doing the same for our Grandson and we're following in the footsteps of our parents who did the same for our DC and our Grandparents who did the same for us.

If the other Grandparents are that bothered they could do the same as you've done.

changeme4this · 18/06/2024 01:09

Maybe explain to your adult children that you are hurt when they tell you what is being said by the other Grandparents and that really you would prefer not to know about it...

Blondeerror · 18/06/2024 01:41

You sound like a fantastic grandparent, keep doing what your doing xx
we need more like you! Xx

Contemplation2024 · 18/06/2024 01:42

Girlmom35 · 13/06/2024 13:49

Both my parents and my in-laws have a set-up like yours. My mum doesn't have a big income, so everything was second hand or gifted. My in-laws are well off so they got everything new.

Absolutely loved it, loved how welcome my children were at their houses, how much pressure it took off me as a new mum not to have to think about everything my baby might need on a visit.
I really don't understand what the fuss is about.

However, I do think there's more going on, in terms of competitiveness. My mum and MIL did have a thing going on where they were both insecure that the children were going to love the other grandmother more and would use any situation to ask for reassurance. I've always been very stern with them that I don't want any negativity or competitiveness, not around me and certainly not around my children. It's mostly died down now (children are 5 and 3 now)

If I were you, I'd nip this in the bud and have an conversation with the other grandmothers. You all love the same children, and these babies can only benefit from having more people who love them. You're all going to love them in your own way, and you should all be happy for the children and the grandchildren that they are surrounded with loving family. All this negativity and judgement isn't good for anyone, especially the babies.

Excellent post.

Dibbydoos · 18/06/2024 01:42

OMG you're a godsend @nervousnanna well done for thinking ahead.

Those who think its ott wont when they start visiting properly or they need a babysitter etc. I hope they come round quickly. Jealousy is not a good look on anyone, esp inlaws.

Well done for being organised and giving a second life to the baby stuff x

SapphireSeptember · 18/06/2024 01:44

nervousnanna · 14/06/2024 14:19

i agree in part... i do see baby nearly every day.. but i don't just drop in, i ask and if they have other plans then i don't. and i dont drop in and just cuddle the baby, i make a point of hugging my daughte first and telling her i love her, and then i get the chores done she needs doing or i send her to bed..

i suffered massive PND after my children which got very serious.. i'm keeping an eye on her, she's suffered a loss before baby was born and hasn't dealt with that properly yet..

im encouraging her to go out on her own, shes terrified that the baby does not like her or that she is harming him in some way... and it breaks my heart because she really is doing well.

im sure as baby gets older, she will need me less and less... like i said i got zero help and it was hard

Show quote history

Oh OP, you sound lovely! ❤️ A lovely mum and lovely grandmother..❤️

ThankYouFish · 18/06/2024 05:34

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, my parents have a high chair, toy box, pushchair and car seat at their house for my daughter (they do nursery pick up once a week, so do need the car seat), other set of grandparents have a toy box and car seat, and it’s so helpful! Very kind thing for you to do.

BreatheAndFocus · 18/06/2024 06:24

Sorry but it’s ridiculous to buy all those things. A travel cot maybe if one of the babies is going to stay over and possibly a changing mat, but to buy all that stuff is ridiculous and looks like you’re taking over. I suggest you get rid of most of it quietly.

Whatever your motivation for doing so, or whatever experiences you had in your own life are irrelevant (although sad, of course). You say in one of your posts ”I can only be me” but a) it’s not about you; and b) that sounds like a rather disingenuous comment (ooh, I just couldn’t help it). You can help it and you need to ask advice if you feel previous experiences are affecting your judgement so that you’re not 100% sure what appropriate.

Thefaceofboe · 18/06/2024 06:25

We have kitted out our house so that we can take either grandbaby at a moments notice without too much upheavel, so we have it all, cot, crib, changing mats, snuggle pods, pram, car seat.. everything... i admit its all second hand, buts its good second hand and im big on recycling where i can, and it means that the November baby can visit and mum and dad dont have to fill their car with all the usual equipment

My MIL did this and I found it really over bearing and controlling, but for us it was a massive assumption that our baby would be spending lots of time at her house and staying the night. We live 5 hours away so when we would visit we stayed with my parents as there was more room there.

Mariespip · 18/06/2024 06:40

If the parents are fine with it and find it helpful then go with it and don’t worry about others.

As PP has said though this isn’t about you and your previous experiences, so if it isn’t helpful to them, take that on board.

Both sets of grandparents in our family have high chair, travel cot, nappy changing things and some toys. My parents have a few more bits but then they have more young grandchildren they look after through the week. We are two hours away from each set.

We have had a chat with MIL about buying too much. Although second hand, it is still sometimes a waste of money of it’s unsafe or not needed.

Lovely to be kind and welcoming of the GC, just be conscious of not being over-bearing.

Apollo365 · 18/06/2024 07:08

I wish my GP had done this! You sound lovely OP

Cjacks12 · 18/06/2024 07:13

Absolutely nothing wrong with this and will be so helpful. My parents did the same thing and it meant so much to me to be able to “just visit” without thinking about humphing stuff in and out of the car… very thoughtful and considerate in my opinion! And like others have said, the complainers will complain about something else soon enough! Enjoy your grand babies!

Whyamiherenow · 18/06/2024 07:45

From my point of view. Both DH mum and my parents live in the same village as us. Both houses are fully kitted out. Most second hand. We bought some bits. They bought some bits. It makes everybody’s life easier. I did buy them both new car seats because they was my preference. It’s super helpful and common sense if you plan to help with any childcare.

Swipe left for the next trending thread