being accused of spoiling...

[nervousnanna]

Im a new nana! we got one grandson in November and another arrived in April. Im lucky in that the May baby lives round the corner and i see him almost everyday.

Not so lucky that the November one lives maybe an hours drive away, so although not impossible to visit, its more difficult, so probably see once a week, sometime once a fortnight depending on work schedules.

We have kitted out our house so that we can take either grandbaby at a moments notice without too much upheavel, so we have it all, cot, crib, changing mats, snuggle pods, pram, car seat.. everything... i admit its all second hand, buts its good second hand and im big on recycling where i can, and it means that the November baby can visit and mum and dad dont have to fill their car with all the usual equipment.

I can't seem to do right for doing wrong. November baby is to DSS and his partner, and her mum is furious at me because i've made such an effort and that she thinks that i'm trying to win favour! November babies other grandparents live just round the corner but have no intention of getting anything in and when baby visits its a chore for mum and dad as they have to cart it all about.

So then to April baby.. mum is my DD, and her husbands mum lives about a 2 hour drive away, and they very rarely see her, but she's making the same noises as the grand parents to November baby.. I'm trying to win favour by having everything to hand?

To me it seems like common sense, its not cost us much, and we don't splash cash around, but I remember when mine were little and it was a nightmare visiting relatives.

I don't boast or brag about what we have, i assume the children tell the other parents.. i think i just need an outside point of view on it?

What a lovely grandparent to try and cover everything off for your kids. Other grandparents are just jealous they didn’t think of it first or simply just petty. Don’t listen, I think it’s wonderful you have made such a lovely effort. I wish I had had my mum around when my baby arrived, she would have done the same. Make the most of it and enjoy, ignore the petty resentful voices, life is too short.

I'm a grandparent as well, and have done the same (maybe not quite to the extent as you!)

We have a 5 year gap between grandkids, and now there is a new once born in March. I need to get a new cot and highchair, which I will do soon. I have a carseat and a booster seat in the attic if needed to pick up other grandchildren. It means you care and support your family.

You shouldn't care a whit what other grandparents think. As for you DIL, she will come around to the idea of not having to cart around a cot or highchair at family dinner events.

I was the same as you op & probably for the same reasons. My dgc are 16, 9, 8 & 3 & right from the get go I had stuff here. When my eldest dgc was born the small spare room was for them. Cot to toddler bed to single bed. My dds knew that when we had the dgc they never had to worry about lugging stuff over apart from clothes as we had everything that was needed including things like nappies.
We're in a smaller house now (2 bed) but the second room is dgcs room & will be as long as they want it to be.
Just carry on being you, your dd & dgc will really appreciate it.

Sorry I think it’s massively overkill and I’d be mortified if my mum or MIL did that for me and my kids. A cot yes that’s great. But a cot AND a crib. And a snooze pod (I don’t even know what that is and certainly not something my 9 or 6 year old had). And a car seat and a pram too…. Surely they’ll just bring those or are you planning on taking these babies without the parents being there??? Unless conversations have been had that you’re doing childcare it’s very presumptuous and would set off alarm bells for me. As others have said tho not sure why you’ve been told what other grandparents are feeling. All seems very weird both your behaviour and everyone else’s.

They sound ungrateful wish there were more grandparents willing to help out like this.

I mean tbh OP can buy what ever she likes to keep at her house.

Parents can use the stuff/leave the babies as they see fit-or not!

You sound a little like my, absolutely fabulous, mother-in-law. She was involved from the minute DS was born 11 years ago. He’s always had his own room, stuff, toys at her house. They have the most amazing relationship. He knows he can tell her anything. My mother, when I was still talking to her, was all weird about it, but continued to put any- and everyone else before her relationship with me and mine.

Don’t change! I agree with previous posters that the other grandparents are just put out because you are awesome. 😄

Enjoy your grandbabies! 💛

Why are you aware of the complaints? Leave them to it

My mum had most things, no spare pram but once DD big enough for a folding buggy she bought one, I really appreciated it as never needed to take anything and she was all set for overnights, which were regular. DD is almost 30 now and she has a wonderful relationship with my Mum, they are very close.

My mum is a lot like you in that her house has everything we need for our baby and I can honestly say it's been absolutely amazing. It's been so much easier and a lot more stress free not having to pack up everything baby needs for visiting and we're so grateful for it. It also means that we can often stay longer than planned or have them take little one out for the day and giving us a break. In laws on the other hand have absolutely nothing and we have to take everything with us when we visit, and it's a lot more faff we really could do without.

Congrats on your grandbabies, ignore the criticism. If they honestly think you're trying to win favour, then it's just highlighting to them how hands on and willing to be of help you really are and how completely opposite they are. I know which I'd rather x

You sound like my mum. Going to her house when my DD was a baby I didn’t have to worry about bringing half the house and it was so nice. Going to my MIL was the complete opposite and a lot more stressful. My mum wasn’t doing it to outdo my MIL and I didn’t think any less of my MIL.

I’ve almost done the same with our grandson apart from the fact that I haven’t been frugal at all. Unashamedly extravagant in fact. Our daughter in law is staunchly independent and refused all offers of buying a pram/cot/anything for him. But as they live 3-4 hours away from us and visit reasonably regularly (we see them at least once a month either at their house or ours) the suggestions for us to be ‘kitted out’ at ours started with a travel cot, then a high chair and just recently a car seat as we travelled to the airport together for a week away. I have absolutely loved buying these things for our home. He’s our first grandchild and I fully hope and expect more to use these things in the future. My son asked why I insisted on buying such high quality and cost versions just for occasional use. My answer - because I can. And because I wanted to. I haven’t given a moments thought to anybody else’s opinion. You crack on and enjoy every single moment of your beautiful grandchildren. What fun to have two so close in age!

So appreciate it- bringing everything is hard- yiu always forget something

You sound like my mam, she's always been the same with all her many, many grandkids. It makes life so much easier when you don't have to lug the whole kit with you every time you go visiting.

Don't you dare change. The kids will be so grateful to have had lovely, involved grandparents like you. My daughter is 16 now and still goes for regular sleepovers at gram's, takes my mam out for her nails and hair, is always texting her and joking with her, they have the most wonderful relationship.

Just a little thought, do your children want you to do this? I’m wondering if it’s a tactical approach from them to be discreet - some parents hate secondhand (not me, just offering an alternate opinion) and wonder if this is their way of saying ‘no thank you’

if they’re happy with it, I’d ignore the other grandparents. It’s jealousy ❤️

I think if you have the means to do it and you are willing to do what you can to make both yours and your children’s/grandchildren’s lives easier when visiting or looking after them when they need it then that’s lovely! It’s for both of them no matter how close/far they live as they still need the same stuff to stay so no favouritism. It’s a faff taking all the baby stuff anywhere!! The only thing I’d say was probably unnecessary was a car seat. Each baby will arrive in their own anyway, so can’t be forgotten, they may also have their own preferences for their own child and would rather you use theirs. Also regarding that if the car seat was also second hand tbh it’s really not recommended to buy second hand car seats, as you can’t be certain that they have not been in a car accident or mistreated. Car seats also have an ‘expiry date’ of sorts and should only be used for a maximum of 10 years or something like that, so also depends how old it is already. Covers can be washed so although could look in good condition it could be misleading to its safety unfortunately.

It's very hard to stop the competitiveness between grandparents especially when it's the first on both sides. I've learned to live with it over the last 26 years. It can still be a little hurtful but I blame my other half who is no longer with us because he wasn't a very sociable person. I don't see my grandchildren much now as they are almost all grown up. One who lives close by and has a lot in common with me. The others are farther away and have their own lives to lead.

My darling mam done this for me and my sister with both our kids. I think people like you are sent from heaven, don't let them put you off being amazing! Who cares what they think, you are trying to help your kids, screw what they think. Jealousy because they don't have the natural ability to think of such selfless acts. Keep being you! Xx

My mum did this when her grandchildren arrived & at the time I thought maybe it was a bit OTT, but no. It’s been fabulous. She was so set up to on take any of the 7 GC at any time. She’s been a massive help to me & my siblings & I’m incredibly grateful for that help. She has a wonderful relationship with all 7 of them.