being accused of spoiling...

[nervousnanna]

Im a new nana! we got one grandson in November and another arrived in April. Im lucky in that the May baby lives round the corner and i see him almost everyday.

Not so lucky that the November one lives maybe an hours drive away, so although not impossible to visit, its more difficult, so probably see once a week, sometime once a fortnight depending on work schedules.

We have kitted out our house so that we can take either grandbaby at a moments notice without too much upheavel, so we have it all, cot, crib, changing mats, snuggle pods, pram, car seat.. everything... i admit its all second hand, buts its good second hand and im big on recycling where i can, and it means that the November baby can visit and mum and dad dont have to fill their car with all the usual equipment.

I can't seem to do right for doing wrong. November baby is to DSS and his partner, and her mum is furious at me because i've made such an effort and that she thinks that i'm trying to win favour! November babies other grandparents live just round the corner but have no intention of getting anything in and when baby visits its a chore for mum and dad as they have to cart it all about.

So then to April baby.. mum is my DD, and her husbands mum lives about a 2 hour drive away, and they very rarely see her, but she's making the same noises as the grand parents to November baby.. I'm trying to win favour by having everything to hand?

To me it seems like common sense, its not cost us much, and we don't splash cash around, but I remember when mine were little and it was a nightmare visiting relatives.

I don't boast or brag about what we have, i assume the children tell the other parents.. i think i just need an outside point of view on it?

I think this is lovely. My MIL went to so much effort to get stuff in like that when we came to visit (she lives far away). It made life a lot easier. I would just say, definitely consult with the parents before buying car seats if that's something you were thinking of doing.

Sounds like the other grandparents are jealous as you've done such a great job

@nervousnanna it is not ott! I did the same, including high chair, silver cross coachbuilt pram and the pram seat for a toddler bro or sis , every stage of car seat, buggy, toy boxes kept in hall. cupboard full of toys. it made it a lot easier for my daughter and my son bringing their kids. still have the cot and the prams. I remember having to dismantle my cot and squeeze it into car along with everything else to go to my parents for an overnight stay and they only lived 10 minutes away!! it was a nightmare! I even kept various sizes of nappies and a box of baby formula!

Spoiling would be spending excessive amounts on designer clothes, toys etc not buying basic equipment to benefit your grandkids

Unfortunately this kind of one-upmanship as to who will be the 'favoured' grandparent is all-too common. (It works the other way, too, with the 'favoured' grandchildren and competitive time-sharing). You'd think by this stage of our lives most people would have grown out of this and be willing to focus on their own relationship with the new baby. But this dynamic has sadly caused many a family rift.

Only one consideration truly matters here, OP. Are you absolutely certain that both your children and their partners are comfortable and happy with this?

If you are, then it really doesn't matter what others think.

I think it’s wonderful what you have done for your grandchildren. Especially since it’s all second hand! What better way to kit out your house but keep costs down? Especially since they won’t be there everyday. My mum and dad did similar for their grandchildren. They didn’t get quite as much as you but they did have a cot, high chair, children’s crockery/cutlery, baby bath, toys, and a cheap buggy, some of it pre loved some bought as deals or baby events in Aldi or similar. It makes things easier for the parents. What else are you going to do if you are looking after them for any length of time? Have the parents bring their own highchair? They are being ridiculous

When my son and daughter in law had a baby, me and her mum did the same. It was appreciated by mum and dad because they didn't have to bring anything with them.

You sound like an amazing grandma! My mom died before my daughter was born. I wish my daughter would have got to meet my mom and had a grandma to dote on her

Sounds lovely, well done you. Let them whine.

Ignore the criticism Nana and enjoy it!! My mum and dad were exactly the same as you and bought anything and everything they could think of so we didn’t have to travel with tonnes of stuff. It was particularly helpful when DS2 arrived just 18 months after DS1!

Sadly, it sounds like it comes from a place of jealousy and honestly, it’s tough luck. You are doing what you want and I’m sure your DSS and DD appreciate it! Good on you.

They sound very jealous but I’m sure your children are very happy that you want to be a doting nana so ignore what they think as that isn’t important.

My mil did this and it was totally ott. The baby wasn't going to be staying there or be there long enough of lots of stuff.

Dh though it smacked of her wants to be mum again and kind of making it about her. Almost like a performance. I just thought it was weird

In so many ways this is lovely and I am so pleased to see so many people also think like this.

I guess my only question would be whether you’ve had conversations about the babies coming to stay (particularly with the ones that live further away). If yes, and that’s something that they were always planning to do, then you have made their lives so much easier. If no, then I could possibly see how they might think this puts some pressure on them to come and visit often when they might not have been planning to, and the criticism isn’t really about 1-upping the other grandparents at all.

I say this because I’m expecting my first, and my DH got off the phone from his dad the other day and told me that him & stepmum have got a travel cot we can use “whenever the baby needs to stay over”. There is absolutely no way in hell I am ever letting my baby stay there. I get on well with them but stepmum-in-law is literally the worst kind of grandparent to her own grandchildren (critical of the mother, doing things behind their backs, refusing to follow their routines etc). Their place is too small for all of us to stay (it’s a caravan) so their meaning is very much for just the baby to stay and I won’t be allowing that to happen.

I am sure that you aren’t this kind of grandparent, but I’m just trying to see any reason why they’d be upset by your kindness.

Aww you sound like a fab new Nana! I'm a new Nana too and your house sounds exactly like mine! We've also bought lots of stuff from Marketplace, Vinted etc to make it easy for us to have baby and less stress for parents as they can just drop and go! If the other Grandparents are making a scene about it then that's up to them but you do you!
I find it a bit sad to read some people saying they'll leave the country if and when they become Grandparents. But again that's fine; who knows what experiences other people have had in the past that make them the way they are?
I'd keep on doing what you believe to be the best thing and ignore the rest of them!

I’d love it if you were my mum or MIL; mine are uninterested and my partners parents deceased. You sound amazing. If you’d like a surrogate daughter and grandchild I’ll be very grateful ☺️

You sound lovely. There is no harm having all the gear at your house. I'm sure they will appreciate the support, and ignore the moaners, what has it got to do with them anyway -

I don't think there's anything wrong with buying things for your grandchildren, but I wouldn't let you put my baby in a second hand car seat, and I'd be dubious about a second hand cot mattress as well.

If it's the babies' parents telling you this (I.e your daughter and step son) I was consider whether they are trying to gently tell you that you are overstepping.

I was repeat the warning about car seats as well. The babies need to get to you - why would you risk a second hand car seat instead of using they one they travelled in?

I've got a baby and my parents and PIL have a similar set up to you and I'm so grateful to them. It is a kind thing to do and it certainly makes my life easier! Take absolutely no notice and enjoy the time with your grandbabies x

You sound lovely and it comes across like you have your heart in the right place. Try not to take their comments to heart at all. They’re probably feeling inadequate and putting you down because they now feel
guilty or competitive. I have involved in-laws and my MIL’s help in particular is so valuable to me. My own mum also had no help as a young mum and is super involved with mine when she can be, precisely because she remembers how it was to have no help herself. Ignore it and enjoy your time with your grandchildren 🥰

You sound like an amazing nana and having suffered with awful PND myself know that your support would've helped massively! Keeping doing what you're doing 🤍

I would absolutely love any parent on either side to do even a fraction of this, your kids and grandchildren are so lucky to have you

You sound like a brilliant parent, you’ve done your best to accommodate your grandchildren, I’d ignore what other grandparents say.

This is such a sweet thing to do ❤ you're an amazing nan and I just wanted to tell you that, congratulations on the little ones x

I’m the Dd (baby mum) I’m this situation (not irl just we have same senarios lol I have 2 babies). MIL got reasonable amount of baby stuff at her house when my eldest was born. My parents got nothing- not even a sippy cup or bedding. I have to take the kitchen sink when we go so obviously going to mil is much less stressful. However it’s a very sore point with my mum (lc, complicated relationship and neglectful childhood) tht we don’t go as much…. But flatly refuses to see why….