being accused of spoiling...

[nervousnanna]

Im a new nana! we got one grandson in November and another arrived in April. Im lucky in that the May baby lives round the corner and i see him almost everyday.

Not so lucky that the November one lives maybe an hours drive away, so although not impossible to visit, its more difficult, so probably see once a week, sometime once a fortnight depending on work schedules.

We have kitted out our house so that we can take either grandbaby at a moments notice without too much upheavel, so we have it all, cot, crib, changing mats, snuggle pods, pram, car seat.. everything... i admit its all second hand, buts its good second hand and im big on recycling where i can, and it means that the November baby can visit and mum and dad dont have to fill their car with all the usual equipment.

I can't seem to do right for doing wrong. November baby is to DSS and his partner, and her mum is furious at me because i've made such an effort and that she thinks that i'm trying to win favour! November babies other grandparents live just round the corner but have no intention of getting anything in and when baby visits its a chore for mum and dad as they have to cart it all about.

So then to April baby.. mum is my DD, and her husbands mum lives about a 2 hour drive away, and they very rarely see her, but she's making the same noises as the grand parents to November baby.. I'm trying to win favour by having everything to hand?

To me it seems like common sense, its not cost us much, and we don't splash cash around, but I remember when mine were little and it was a nightmare visiting relatives.

I don't boast or brag about what we have, i assume the children tell the other parents.. i think i just need an outside point of view on it?

You’ve kitted out your house for your grandchildren, does dss’s partner think you’re trying to take over? Have you demanded to have them overnight (typical mumsnet complaint from dil!)?

You are a lovely nana. Ignore the others.

I’m literally torn here … my mil did the same as you … had everything kitted out at her house for her grandchildren - I thought it was really very weird to literally have her house kitted out as if it were her own baby … but maybe I’m biased as she only did that when the grandchildren came from her daughter, not her son (which were my children, and mine came first) 🙁

It is so thoughtful, isn’t it. And practical.

Op, don’t take any notice. What you are doing is an act of such kindness. It’s not your fault if the other gps can’t afford or don’t want to do it. They should be happy that their gc is receiving such care.

They could stop moaning and pick up a second-hand pushchair, highchair and cot themselves. I love not having to take those things to the in-laws and even got a highchair for my mother's house to make things easier.

I would have been incredibly grateful to have a mother or mother in law doing this when mine were little. So kind and a huge help to not have to cart everything. Just stay in your own lane and know it is such a kind thing to do for both your grandkids. 🌺

Adopt me please? I'm 34 with a child of my own but don't let that hold you back.

We live abroad and I’m so grateful that my DP have everything we need. It’s so much easier to pack up and travel. Also all secondhand, the only item we did say no to was a secondhand car seat and so we bought one we leave with them instead. When DM does the food shop she always checks her meal plan works for the DC and gets full fat milk and nappies etc. It takes a lot of stress away for us and we feel really welcome.

PIL haven’t got the same set up, they borrowed a travel cot for us once but didn’t have any sheets we could use in it. We’ve been round for dinner and had to take food for the DC as they haven’t considered them at all (e.g Chinese takeaway, youngest is 1yo). As a result we don’t stay but it really is their choice.

Not ott at all. I did the same not to make me supergran but to help them..so I have cot, buggy, car seats, toys spare clothes etc.all secondhand . Makes life much easier all round. I had no grandparents for my children so would have loved some help.

My parents were given stuff for us but a lot of it stayed there (our choice) as we knew we would be staying over.

I think if they had kitted out a room without discussion I probably would have thought that was a bit odd as we would have considered it our responsibility to provide what was needed.

I don't really know why they are telling you what the other GPs are saying though, especially if they are ok with it all!

It isn’t OTT at all. My mum and dad did the same and none of us bat an eyelid. And frankly it’s none of the other GPs business. It’s better than not bothering at all which is what plenty of other gps do.

When I first had my DC I would have found this suffocating. I know it's well intentioned but I would have thought you were expecting to have my DC without me and I'd have hated it. Now, I think it's sweet and lovely. You sound really excited and a great nana.

Having grandchildren can send people on spirals of jealousy, my mum and ex MIL were civil on the outside but inside were competing for who loved the children more.

Just ignore and if your children don't mind the enjoy and ignore the negativity.

I think you have been very thoughtful OP, and I would have been over the moon if my parents, or my in-laws, had done something similar when my child was small.
The amount of stuff you need for small babies is unbelievable and our car was always packed to the gunwales whenever we went to visit.
Ignore the comments and enjoy every minute of your time with your new grandchildren.

You sound like a Nana with a big heart and a lot of love to give.
As a first time mum to a 1+year old I can definitely say it helps massively when grandparents have certain bits of equipment so you don't have to lug it round.

Bouncers, highchairs and changing mats are a godsend at Grandparents houses (oh and some toys!)

Why would you buy a cot and 674 other baby items unless you previously agreed to have grandchildren sleeping over?
Surelly you don't need all this crap for short twice a month visit?

The amount of women who go battshit crazy once grandchildren arrive is too damn high.
If both sets of parents told you you are insane, you probably are.

While it's great that you're fully prepped and kitted out to babysit, your approach sounds quite controlling and OCD prep. Yes, you sound like you're trying to win favour, not just being a relaxed grandma happy to help.

Let them ask for help, don't force it on them. One of the babies isn't even a blood relative? Back off a bit?

I wish my parents had been this helpful when my kids were little. It wasn't until the favourite child had kids that they started buying travel cots, car seats and prams 😅 meanwhile we had to take everything we needed with us on the plane or arrange to borrow things from friends local to my parents. And don't get me started on my in-laws who we lived with for a couple of years and who refused to let us babyproof anything 🙃

You've done a nice thing, although I would probably check that they're ok with the things you've bought... I wouldn't eg be using a second hand mattress. As long as the new parents are happy with the items you've bought, it's all great and you can just ignore the negativity from others :)

I’d ignore the other grandparents. My parents kitted out their house with everything like you did. It’s been a lifesaver for us! We lived an hour away and made a huge difference not having to lug everything to theirs (and still a lifesaver now we are 3 hours away with a 2 year old)

you sound like a wonderful grandparent, those are some lucky children and grandchildren and I’m sure they’re super thankful for this xx

im encouraging her to go out on her own, shes terrified that the baby does not like her or that she is harming him in some way... and it breaks my heart because she really is doing well.

I’m sure you’re being very valuable to her, but please don’t encourage a woman suffering with PND to leave her baby. Especially when she’s already panicking she’s harming him. Just don’t.

I think at face value, what you've done is very kind and thoughtful.

I would find it overbearing if my MIL had done it but sweet if my mum had done it (I know - this sounds unfair). However, I have wider issues with my MIL being quite emotionally manipulative with her children and extremely interfering and overbearing with her children and their spouses. As does her own daughter.

So my point was, if there is no wider picture and no backstory then I think it's great. But could there possibly be more to it all than you know or realise?

People get a little weird when they have tiny babies. I remember feeling suffocated and irritated by some very minor things my MIL did. Maybe you are coming off as a bit too keen. Don’t take it personally and maybe try to give them a bit more mental space. Offering advice, gushing about your own relationship with the babies or comparing the babies should all be avoided. You sound lovely and I’m sure things will settle eventually.

It's very kind and generous sounding and you sound lovely. I just wonder if it's a bit much for them at the moment and maybe they feel there is an expectation on your part that yiuu will be having the.babies more than they feel ready for. Becoming a parent is a really exciting time and they would probably just benefit from a slight more chilled approach. I know it's hard, but stay chilled out and e there if and when they need support/company/babysitting. Best wishes and congratulations.

We see a lot of posts on here of people saying their dm/mil has kitted out a bedroom etc for the child, often before they're born and are feeling pressurised to leave the baby overnight when they don't feel ready.

This is the flip side of that.

Op may think that she isn't pressurising them to leaving the baby with her, but they may be feeling that simply by doing so, she is.

My mum is the exact same as you.. she didn’t get too much stuff in during the early days but always made it easier by having bits and bobs that are a pain to transport! She has just redecorated one of her rooms in farmyard theme for both her grandsons and my little boy is having his first sleepover in the room tomorrow he’s so excited 😂😂 he’s slept in the room plenty times but not in the farm bed he says!! I think it’s lovely

Depends, are they asking you to take the baby a lot? If so I suppose it’s less hassle for them, albeit looks a bit… obsessive. If they haven’t asked, it’s very presumptive and would come across as pushy. FWIW there is zero chance I would leave my 5 month old with any of his grandparents for 10 minutes let alone overnight, so if they went out and bought all that I’d think they were being really pushy.
I also wanted to choose my baby’s things and although I’m big on recycling and buying second hand I absolutely would not buy second hand for lots of his stuff. Mattresses, car seats, changing mats, no chance would I want to use second hand from a stranger.