being accused of spoiling...

[nervousnanna]

Im a new nana! we got one grandson in November and another arrived in April. Im lucky in that the May baby lives round the corner and i see him almost everyday.

Not so lucky that the November one lives maybe an hours drive away, so although not impossible to visit, its more difficult, so probably see once a week, sometime once a fortnight depending on work schedules.

We have kitted out our house so that we can take either grandbaby at a moments notice without too much upheavel, so we have it all, cot, crib, changing mats, snuggle pods, pram, car seat.. everything... i admit its all second hand, buts its good second hand and im big on recycling where i can, and it means that the November baby can visit and mum and dad dont have to fill their car with all the usual equipment.

I can't seem to do right for doing wrong. November baby is to DSS and his partner, and her mum is furious at me because i've made such an effort and that she thinks that i'm trying to win favour! November babies other grandparents live just round the corner but have no intention of getting anything in and when baby visits its a chore for mum and dad as they have to cart it all about.

So then to April baby.. mum is my DD, and her husbands mum lives about a 2 hour drive away, and they very rarely see her, but she's making the same noises as the grand parents to November baby.. I'm trying to win favour by having everything to hand?

To me it seems like common sense, its not cost us much, and we don't splash cash around, but I remember when mine were little and it was a nightmare visiting relatives.

I don't boast or brag about what we have, i assume the children tell the other parents.. i think i just need an outside point of view on it?

Y r overthinking it, just ignore.

You sound like a great support to your daughters. I am forever greatful to my Mum for the support she gave me after my babies. Carry on, they will eventually remember your actions, and not other peoples opinions of them!

My mum had a changing mat, pram, bibs, kids crockery and (later on) cutlery, toys blankets, travel cot, car seat etc. It was really useful.

OP, you sound a wonderful nana and wonderful mother. Don't change a thing. I live close by to my parents-in-law and when on maternity leave would often pop to see the on the pretext of the baby wanting to see them, but really it was because I was lonely. Your support of your daughter is lovely. Just ignore the meanspirited comments and enjoy the babies. Congratulations on being a Nana! My child's grandparents are so precious to her and she loves them very much indeed. It's such a special relationship.

You sound lovely. Ignore the whingers!

I think it's lovely that you've made such an effort to make visiting easier for the parents.
My parents live only about 10 mins away but help us with childcare so naturally have some of the main pieces of equipment etc. My MiL lives around 3h away so we don't see her very often but she has still got a travel cot, high chair and some toys at hers so we don't have to lug everything up there with us. It's very much appreciated. If the other GPs choose not to do the same that's their problem. Enjoy your lovely grandchildren!

It might be OTT if you'd bought it all new but realistically, you could resell it for basically what you've paid.

I guess not everyone has the room or desire to take over their houses.

My MIL had plenty at hers and it was great. She took had two a similar age gap and so it was handy for us all.

You sound lovely and have done what my MiL did (emptying the loft and buying from the local charity shops to make sure she had enough). And yes, she definitely spoilt my two - but that’s a grandmother’s job, isn’t it? 🤦🏽‍♀️

Mine have grown up knowing unconditional love that extends beyond the walls of their home thanks to my wonderful PiL. Don’t pay it any mind.

My Mum has a similar set up for her grandchildren and as the mum of two small children I have absolutely no problem with that. It's much easier when you don't have to think about packing up your whole life for a night or two. Ignore the other grandparents

It breaks my heart that you’re walking around thinking you’re doing something wrong it really does.

Im a mum of 2 relative littlies. My in-laws live 2 hours away and have everything and I LOVE visiting. So stress free and they are so good with our kids.

my parents while I love them dearly haven’t adjusted. My older sister didn’t have kids and so my two are the only grandkids and they don’t have anything in - even down to tableware - so we have to cart it all in the car (an hours drive for reference) and while I love being in their company visiting them for a sleepover stresses me out. I’d so much prefer they’d done what you did.

You sound like a wonderful Nana and I personally think your DSS’s partner needs to have a word with herself and not take for granted having such a robust support system.

as for the grandparents on the other side who are complaining - that’s just life and they need to get over it. Daughters gravitate closer geographically to their mothers. I have fully resigned myself to the fact that my son will drift away one day with his wife but I can only hope to cultivate the type of relationship where they know our door is always open.

You’ve done nothing wrong.

I lived quite a distance from my parents when my kids were little and my lovely mum got things like this (second hand too)so I only had to bring mimimum amount of stuff ( which is still quite a bit with a baby) and it was a great help. It all sounds unkind and very petty when you’re doing a lovely thing.

Oh wow you sound amazing!
Ignore the haters! They are jealous that you had the wit to help out

Just ignore and crack on as long as the actual baby parents don’t think you have overstepped as they are the ones that matter not the grandparents

This reminded me of how my MIL used to have all kinds of bits at her house for my DC. And how useful it was. She always had calpol too, that came in handy a few times!

My mum used to get so annoyed about how she was “trying to be a better grandma” but truthfully my mum could have done the same (but couldn’t be bothered).

I don’t think I ever did tell my MIL how grateful I was either, but looking back it did mean it made my life a lot easier

The only thing I would suggest is please do not use a second hand car seat. You do not know the full history and some damage can be hidden. Also car seats have expiry dates which sometimes people don’t realise

I live five hours from my parents and they got in cot, changing mat, stair gates, Toys all the things you mentioned. It was absolutely welcomed and I can't believe anyone could criticise this.

I know this is absolutely not the point of your post and apologies if it’s been mentioned, but second-hand car seats aren’t recommended unless you know the full history. If it’s been involved in an accident you haven’t been told it might not protect the baby. Not meant as a criticism at all but some people aren’t aware and it’s a big safety risk.

All the other stuff sounds great and I’m very fortunate to have a MIL who is similar and whose support we would seriously struggle to get by without. It says more about them than you that they’re turning it into a competition rather than thinking how lovely it is for their children and grandchildren to be loved and looked after.

My mum when she lived closer had a travel cot, car seat and pram at hers for DC and used to buy their food in

and they have their own bedrooms there too 😂

Ugh! All this noise says nothing about you but everything about the others. You do what you want to do and they can do the same. Changing what you do is not going to change them. Just enjoy your grandbabies.

Thing is I'm not waiting to 'swoop' in... having all of the things op has (and probably lots more!) means my DD can just put my grandson in the car and when here she only has to lug him in! I have nappies, buggy, eating utensils, cups, spare clothes (I wash dirty ones that I change and give them back to her) and pyjamas so if she wants to stay for tea he can have his bath and then get transferred to bed once she gets home.
This is his home too and I (and my DD) love it..makes her life so much easier..

Very petty. Ignore them and e joy your grandkids.

This is lovely, OP. Sounds like your DD, if she's struggling, might not even realise how grateful she is right now but she will in the future and in the meantime you get the joy of knowing you're helping your baby with her baby

My mother in law did this when my kids were younger (all grown up now )
she was a perfect grandma !!! She still is they have strong bonds
my parents don’t have a relationship because they wasn’t bothered !
enjoy your grand babies !
They just making noise !

I bet down the line they won’t make any effort ! And they just using this to turn it off themselves x

My PIL live about 10 mins walk from us but they did the same as you with cot and high chair, buggy and some toys etc. They have looked after all 3 of our DC and still do. It was easier than us loading stuff in the car fir a 3 minute drive if we were going for lunch or they were babysitting. My parents are dead so there has never been any 'competition'. I've just been very grateful for all their help and support. They have never been over-the-top.

My mum is like you / kitted house out when our babies were born and is very involved in their lives and day to day. We appreciate the support. My DH parents do things differently, and love the babies but not super involved in the same way. They love them dearly and kids love them too. Neither set of grandparents comments on the others’ choices as why would they? You have the relationship with your relatives you want to cultivate. It’s not a contest.

As long as you werent pushing for unsupervised overnights or anything weird like that I'd be absolutely delighted. Its very thoughtful if you.

My mum has a cot, bouncer and highchair and some toys. I supplied most of it but its SOOO convenient.

I'd just say that's fine and you wont get anything else unless its asked for.
For birthday and christmas ask for a list and buy ONLY whats requested.

Re your DD keep supporting her - you sound great. I'd encourage her to try out a few different classes when her baby is a bit bigger.