DS super opportunity, super early start. Would you go the night before?

[Teenson]

Son, 16, got a chance for a week away doing some very cool but demanding stuff, sort of a maths academy .
We’ll have to leave the house at 6 on Monday for a lot of train journeys to get there at 8.45.
i thought if we got there the night before and stayed in a premier inn, son would be awake and refreshed the next day. DH can’t come as planned as he now has to be in work. He is not keen for DS and I to to go to a hotel without him, thinks it’s ok for us to go in the morning. He says DS leaving the house at 6 isn’t that much earlier than leaving at his usual 7.45 for school. I’m anxious about trains, being late and DS getting there tired and flustered. I’d like to leave the afternoon before and have a relaxed evening and early night, I don’t know if I’m being silly, wwyd ?

Why is booking a hotel such a big deal just go on the website and pay for it. If you’re short on cash then eat dinner at home then leave. What do you mean by you can’t do what your friend would do? Of course you can you could have done it by now.

The nice/nasty cycle of abuse he shows you is a continuous one. “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft is a must read because your h is in those pages.

fashion queen,

When you are in a controlling and thus abusive relationship like the OP is, it is not as simple to just book up a hotel. My guess is that her access to all forms of money is tightly controlled by him and she could also have to account for every penny she spends producing receipts etc. Giving her spaghetti head and he exploding over a ketchup satchel are all part of his MO to control her.

Wow you're delightful. Nothing like kicking someone vulnerable when they're down, Bravo. Always lovely to see posters who think its fine for a man to be abusive because their partner isn't working full time. OP said she had to insist on taking a job that her husband said was pointless. She was trying to do the right thing, she was willing to take any job she could get but this shitty man was undermining her confidence instead of supporting and encouraging her.

When it was a matter of three of you going, the cost of the hotel was fine. Why has that changed if it's just two of you?

Your husband has said ‘it’s up to you, I don’t want you to think I’m stopping you’. So take him at his word, go ahead and book. If he moans about work, point out that you are doing things to advance your career and expect to be able to earn more soon. But really it has very little to do with this one issue when spending a relatively small amount will make your life easier and ensure your son gets the best out of his course.

Go the day before and stay at hotel. Much nicer and safer.

Your DH sounds estressed, rather than mean. He seems to be all over the place and concerned about money, but not as an immediate issue. Maybe he is thinking of uni fees or something like that.
Try to take things off his plate. Taking your son to his course on your own will help. Go the night before and stay in a hotel. Take sandwiches, or buy bread, cheese and ham in a supermarket when you get there. That will sort dinner for one day.

Hotel! You want to set DS up for a good week he will enjoy. Hotel, meal the night before and chill in room with a film. Then you are both calm and ready!

I would be a bit concerned about the relationship you have over money - yes, it is easy to dismiss it as being the natural outcome of his frustrations / hard work / etc. - but that is not the point, as an adult he needs to manage those concerns not take it out in controlling you over money...

marriage is about being a team and working together towards a mutual goal(s) - if my wife was having this discussion with me, I would simply ask what is best for her and how could I support her - would she like to be dropped at the station / collected etc. as my job is to support her, I don't get to tell her what she can or can't do as she is an adult!

Go and have the night away and do what is right for your son - but then you need to sit down with your husband - both of you acknowledge that the current situation may not be ideal, but equally both acknowledge that it does not justify controlling mechanisms etc. - and work out a joint plan which lets both help work together...

Many many thanks to everyone for your thoughtful help and support. I’ll respond properly tomorrow, feeling a bit overwhelmed tbh.
Thanks for deleting the horrid tweet, and the support about it. It did actually upset me.
here’s my response, I have to lash out somewhere.

1. no, brought, not bought.
2. ‘helpful’ not ‘vituperative pedant’.

💐to everyone else,
thank you so much for helping me feel like there is a wonderful community of women out there, helping each other.

Thanks everyone, and thank you beriebotts for taking the time to write that, I think you have hit the nail on the head!
ill stop the thread now, as I don’t want to just moan when he works so hard. Thank you very much, food for thought!

Lord, why would you post again when your first post upset the OP and when you have been deleted? Seriously??

There's more to life than grammar.

Thanks againsheila! Whatever it was I probably asked for it with my cheeky response! I think I darent really get too cross at home so I’m afraid I got a bit rude on here, nice safe online place.
castle0 I don’t know what your response was, but I’m curious why the grammar thing is so important to you. If that’s what concerns you, then you are very lucky indeed.
thanks everyone. I’m posting just to say well, I was thinking, ‘oh he’s stressed, etc’ he is, but he does this as a pattern - work and work and then when super stressed will come and yell at me. I then get very anxious and even though he forgets about it, I don’t want to be around him - I get nervous he’ll yell again, he has just a negative energy that I don’t want to be around.
even as I’m writing this I’m doubting myself, that sounds extreme! It can’t be right.
I read Lundy before, but it didn’t resonate as the characters seem much more extreme in their behavior.
i didn’t realize the ‘hotel = money, ketchup miser, being nice’ was a pattern to confuse. Thank you so much for pointing this out, it works, I was confused, and exhausted, i now realize I have been for years and never quite sure why.
someone said,’ it’s like he wants you to be as miserable he is’
whod have thought, all this from one little question.
thank you.

Yanbu. Who made your dh the boss. I flew from Oz to the Uk and back on my own with dds aged 13mo and not quite 3. My dh never said a word as I was going to see family who was his too.

OP, I am glad you are starting to see patterns.

As for Lundy - have you read the “listen up” post pinned to relationships? You might have a grade 4 or 6 abuser, not an 8 or 10.. that doesn’t mean he isn’t cruel, mean, dismissive, disorienting and - in short - abusive.

Take good care.

OP, something struck me in your update. You said you feel confused and exhausted and you are now realising you have been that way for years. That resonated with me.

I hope this isn't too long but i want to share something with you.

I started having migraines as a child. It runs in my family. About 1-3 times a year. During my marriage, it went to 7-14 times a year. Sometimes twice a month. It would last for days. Overtime, I developed a right sided limp during migraines and I also stuttered. I had multiple investigations, repeated MRIs, nerve conduction studies - all came back as normal. My work suffered, I was ill a lot of the time. Having a migraine became my normal - I went to work, cared for DC, drove around etc with a migraine, sometimes limping, sometimes unable to speak properly.

When my marriage ended - it was something very very small like ketchupgate that caused this - I cried and worried for months. I was stressed, depressed and anxious. I spent a lot of time sleeping too.
And one day, speaking with a friend as she gently explained to me that I had been in an abusive marriage. She also pointed out that i hadn't complained of a migraine for a while and i seemed more energetic. Even with all the crying and worrying. She was right. I realised i had been exhausted, tense, confused and anxious for years. And i didn't even know it. My self confidence, decision making abilities even for the simplest of things had taken a battering. I didn't even know that.

I barely have migraines now..maybe once or twice a year. No limping, no stuttering. I still marvel at how different I am.
I wonder how different you would feel and how different you would be if you didn't have that constant destabilising experience your H is putting you through.

I am glad you are aware of the pattern, i am glad you are aware that it makes you exhausted and confused. It does not matter if he is aware that his behaviour is not nice/controlling/abusive.. whatever you may want to call it. The fact remains that this is the effect on you. The fact remains that if he does not have insight and change his behaviour, you will have many many many many more years of this.

Sorry, for such a long post.

I found this article quite helpful some years ago now. A lot of the articles on this site are brilliant at outlining what is healthy relationship behaviour and what is a problem. So useful for me. I didn't have healthy relationships modelled to me growing up and I had to learn it myself as an adult.

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/revisited-cant-figure-out-whats-bothering-you-youve-normalised-treading-water-in-stress/

Did your DS have a good time?

Hello! Yes, sorry, I’ve been hiding from mn after the answers to this thread! Yes thank you, he did. To be fair, my fears were unfounded , the trains were empty, on time, and clean! I expected to be crammed in, and he stayed up till 2 every night anyway 🙄. Not surprisingly He didn’t get through to the next round, but I’m super please he a, got in in the first place and b, it’s sort of good he learnt that he won’t necessarily walz through into next rounds.

• bertie* that’s a good article, thank you.
• tenqglord gosh don’t apologize for long posts! That’s a fascinating story. I’m sorry you went through that, and I’m very glad it’s resolved itself. The link to illness and mind is obviously huge. Thank you for sharing.
• sheila thankyou too. It’s the subtle things are so important to notice and for ages all I could find were the dramatic ‘does he punch you ‘ stuff, leading to total confusion.

for wiw, we had a really good chat. I’m now concerned about his parents, I have been for a long while, but am now seeing how harmful they are to him.

His mum calls me up and tells me how bad he is at stuff. If he does anything for our son, it’s greeted by her with disapproval, as if he’s wasted money, if his sister does anything- like take her dd to 5 star hotels to see Taylor swift, ( and have a private taxi waiting to whisk them home!) his mum says . ‘ oh his poor sister, she has to rush off to a crowded concert’ .
when we all visit, it’s,’oh his poor sister, she has to work all afternoon on her laptop upstairs’ of course she’s watching films.
grrrr.

Sounds like your dh needs counselling really.
And to go LC with his family.

But I’m getting the feeling he wouldn’t be opened to that. It would be working against years of adapted behaviour that has worked well for him so far…

YOU can change your answer though.
Start pointing out to him when he is using you as an emotional punching bag.
Shut down conversations about you buying ketchup just for yourself -No that’s not going to happen.
(And maybe have counselling yourself to help you feeling stronger and clarify the confusion)

Omg, thanks for this. I have started counseling and she’s encouraging me to practice being assertive.
i like the idea of pointing out that he’s using me for his own stress.
weve just had another row. He called me a miserable bitch and to fuck off. Apparently I’ve been miserable all morning and banging around.
well, i didn’t realise and yes, I am now.

"well, i didn’t realise" isn't being assertive (assuming this is the line you took with him when he blew up). It gives his words credence and denies what you know to be true (as usual). The assertive answer was 'I have not been miserable and banging around all morning'. The end.

If he is swearing at you, then maybe it’s also time to establish boundaries.

Like ‘Ina, not going to listen to you when you talk like to me like this. I will take myself for a walk for 30mins~1 hour and we can talk about what the problem is once you’ve calmed down and have stopped calling me names’

Then walk out.

Something you might want to look at with your counsellor.

You might not like your dh reaction to that though….