DS super opportunity, super early start. Would you go the night before?

[Teenson]

Son, 16, got a chance for a week away doing some very cool but demanding stuff, sort of a maths academy .
We’ll have to leave the house at 6 on Monday for a lot of train journeys to get there at 8.45.
i thought if we got there the night before and stayed in a premier inn, son would be awake and refreshed the next day. DH can’t come as planned as he now has to be in work. He is not keen for DS and I to to go to a hotel without him, thinks it’s ok for us to go in the morning. He says DS leaving the house at 6 isn’t that much earlier than leaving at his usual 7.45 for school. I’m anxious about trains, being late and DS getting there tired and flustered. I’d like to leave the afternoon before and have a relaxed evening and early night, I don’t know if I’m being silly, wwyd ?

“A premier inn would be around £50”

This is optimistic if OP is staying in London.

More doable if she is a little outside but taking the train in.

Eg. Next Sunday at Staines is £56, free parking between 7pm
and 6am then £12 a day.

Frozen. confused, doubting and second guessing yourself that's exactly what he wants. He likes playing the big man getting something you don't want because he decides you should have it, denying you something you want so you know he's in control. Telling you how he's leaving it up to you after he's manipulated you into a position where you're doubting yourself and feeling bad for wanting something he doesn't want you to have.

This. He sounds like a manipulative bully. Start listening to what is actually going on. And quietly build a stash of cash.

Book a hotel.
Your husband is upset about work stuff and taking it out on you. You are just allowing him to do this by actually taking it seriously. You've pointed out all the ways in which he's extravagant with money, yet he also begrudge you a tiny bit of ketchup or getting a hotel for one night when that's a good idea.. this isn't really about money it's about control. It's OK if he makes an extravagant decision but you can't make any because he needs to be in control. Clearly he doesn't feel in control at work so takes it out on you.
Put on your big girl pants and do not tolerate this.
Plenty of women have part time jobs because they did the majority of child care and housework and so their career took a back seat.
I only work 24 hours for minimum wage (granted my kids are much younger) but I'm in that position because I did all the childcare and housework so my dh could get his masters and further his career.
Know your own value. Don't let him talk to you like this. Contribution to the household isn't only about money.
If my DH ever suggested I should be contributing more or basically acted like an arse all the time about petty stuff like ketchup whilst spending money and random expensive things himself because it's OK if it's him doing it but nit me... he'd be getting some choice words and he'd not ever speak to me like that again.
You sound really downtrodden and like hes sapped all the self esteem out of you.

Book the hotel and enjoy the time with your son! My son did a week after GCSEs staying at Leeds uni for a Physics summer school - had a fab time!

A premier inn is hardly megabucks is it?

Depends where and when. In my experience the cost of a PI can vary massively, from around £40-50 a night to a few hundred.

On the same Sunday as the Staines one I linked above, the Islington PI is £147

I'd stay over the night before and have a more relaxed journey.
You don't want to be stressing over a delayed train, or messing about of really busy commuter time trains ideally.

And whilst your son is away I think you and dh need to have a good talk about the situation. The things he is saying aren't right. He is coming across as financially controlling, and also belittling you and making you paranoid about work and even the basics of making a hotel decision.

Him being busy and stressed at work is not an excuse for him to make nasty digs and comments to you, let alone over a bit of ketchup!

@converseandjeans

A premier inn would be around £50

Where?

Check the train times (and how much leeway for delays) and costs. A railcard could make it cheaper, but may not be valid for peak times, so check first.

Check clear air zone charge (I have a fairly old small Corsa, and I don't have to pat for Bristol or London's ULEZ.) Check hotel charges.

If there's a big discrepancy in prices, it should make the decision clear. Otherwise, make the decision on timings.

I'd do whatever is convenient and the least anxiety inducing for me.

This. The issue isn’t wanting to stay in a hotel, it’s your H being a controlling no it all, if money is the issue, he should say so. I can’t imagine having my decisions policed in such a way. His work stress is not the excuse you or he make it out to be.

Quite, it is a question of priority.
I would rather go without the two takeaways (not a huge sacrifice as I never have them) and be comfortable and refreshed for the event.

If your husband's objections are all along the lines of "You won't find a hotel, you won't find anywhere to park", surely the answer is just to find somewhere that answers those objections, and that's not too expensive, then present him with a fait accompli?

If you tell us which city it is, you might find local MNers can help with recommendations.

Thanks everyone. He’s now helped me do something that may help with my career, which was very nice and much appreciated . I think I’m being over sensitive. My friend said the trains wont be too rammed when we get on them. I’d like to go earlier as otherwise it’s just another dreary night at home, but yes, I’m not feeling tough enough after ketchup gate.
he is locked in his office working very hard.
I think the trouble is if I was the man everyone would call me lazy, wanting to take son to a hotel while wife works all weekend.

I think the trouble is if I was the man everyone would call me lazy, wanting to take son to a hotel while wife works all weekend.

Noo, he has manipulated you into being completely controlled by him.

What I’m seeing is a man who is opting out of family life on a Sunday.

Absolutely this!!

if I was the man everyone would call me lazy, wanting to take son to a hotel while wife works all weekend

Eh? No they wouldn't. Why is it lazy to take your son to a hotel, so that you both don't have the stress of an early morning, complicated journey against the clock for something that's really important for your son? You're not going off to a hotel on your own, leaving your H to think about how his son gets fed and gets to the first day of his placement.

The fact that this simple choice has you absolutely frozen with indecision is indeed indicative of a much wider, and more serious, problem in your relationship.

If you can afford the night away, why not leave the choice up to your son? Although if his dad kicks off about it, you will need to say it was your decision.

Oh lovey - so the end result is you will do what your DH wanted all along and as an added bonus he’s locked himself in his office as well to prove how very much more important he is than everyone else

and literally no one would call you lazy of the sexes were reversed

Get the hotel
Then no stress about cancelled trains
Your dh is daft

No, they really wouldn't.

My husband certainly wouldn't call me that, and he has the high paying, long hours job while I work school hours essentially.

And he would tell me to book a hotel room.

My husband works, I stay at home and be would 100% encourage me to go up the night before with my son and get a hotel if we could afford it. He definitely wouldn't begrudge me some ketchup either. Your dh sounds absolutely awful

I think the trouble is if I was the man everyone would call me lazy, wanting to take son to a hotel while wife works all weekend.

No, I doubt they would.
It's called being organised and it's about not wanting to risk delays and cancellations on public transport when trying to get your son to an important event.

Your dh has manipulated the situation if you are really thinking like this.

Your husband sounds emotionally and financially abusive. I imagine your career has taken a back seat in order to raise his children? How old are your other DCs?