DS super opportunity, super early start. Would you go the night before?

[Teenson]

Son, 16, got a chance for a week away doing some very cool but demanding stuff, sort of a maths academy .
We’ll have to leave the house at 6 on Monday for a lot of train journeys to get there at 8.45.
i thought if we got there the night before and stayed in a premier inn, son would be awake and refreshed the next day. DH can’t come as planned as he now has to be in work. He is not keen for DS and I to to go to a hotel without him, thinks it’s ok for us to go in the morning. He says DS leaving the house at 6 isn’t that much earlier than leaving at his usual 7.45 for school. I’m anxious about trains, being late and DS getting there tired and flustered. I’d like to leave the afternoon before and have a relaxed evening and early night, I don’t know if I’m being silly, wwyd ?

What does your son want to do? Surely go what's his preference. Your DH is weird and unreasonable for belittling you in any case.

@Teenson lots going on in your last post. Your H sounds financially abusive and unpleasant.

However just for now, focus on the trip. Book the hotel and go with your gut.

“How do people function in real
life?” What does this mean?
It means you’ve posted about something which, in a healthy relationship, should be a typical every day decision for a competent adult that doesn’t require the internet to debate. The real issue here is your relationship with your DH and whatever is going on there has made you question yourself so much you felt the need to put it on MN.

Op you don't need to be your friend. You're enough as you. Book the hotel, tell DH it'll work out less expensive than an emergency taxi.

Take your son (nothing wrong with you taking him), enjoy a nice dinner together, send him off on the morning, have a mooch around the local town / get a late breakfast and head home in your own time.

What's the plan for him coming back home? As it's less pressured would he feel comfortable doing it all alone or maybe meeting him only halfway?

Thanks. I now feel very peculiar! And not at all able to decide anything.

A 6am start... means waking up before 6am, getting ready and leaving the house at 6am to make all the trains involved and get there for 8:45am.

That is very different to his usual 7:45am start and short trip to school that his body clock is already used to.

Definitely, a hotel stay the night before.

Agreed, @Jennyathemall.

OP of course you should go the night before and get a hotel. It’s as much of a non-decision as the ketchup. Your marriage is the actual issue here.

Id definately go the night before. actually Id probably go the morning before and make a day out of it. I wouldnt want to be on a commuter train on a Monday, hoping there wont be cancellations / hold ups and packed in like sardines.

I took DS to all his Uni open days and interviews, always good to have plenty of time to get there and last time DS's dad sent me all the money for the trip as recognised it was the best option

It depends on whether you can afford it. If you can afford a hotel then yes it would be easier and more enjoyable than travelling v early in morning.

Your husband is being horrible - he is taking his frustrations with work on you. Did you take time out to have your son? I know my career and salary would definitely be in a better place if I hadn’t had kids and that is the reality for a lot of women. I suspect even if you got a job earning the same as him he would still be angry as he hates his work and wants to lash out at someone. I agree with others, get a better job or more hours but squirrel some of that away!

In terms of travel there is a compromise solution - could you stay in a cheap travel lodge/airbnb that is most if the way there so you only have a half hour journey in the morning? Years ago my partner and I parked in a car park in London Zone 5 and got the tube in the rest of the way. I also on a few occasions have booked a travel lodge half an hour from the ferry port so I wouldn’t have to get up quite so early in the morning. Though on the flip side if it’s a nice city and there are things to do just go early and enjoy your time with your son! Your son will be fully grown soon and you’ll have less opportunities to go on trips together!

I think the hotel / train debate is the least of your worries.
Your husband sounds vile.

Thanks so much.
I am now questioning everything!
Im supposed to be getting stuff done to hopefully advance my career, and am instead sat here frozen with indecision.

@Teenson out of interest do you get to make decisions normally?

Teenson

And that was his intention all along; to give you spaghetti head. Your H is not a nice person at all. He wants to dominate and otherwise control you and in turn your son (who may well start to act like his dad towards you if he is not doing so already) by showing his apparent disapproval.

Would urge you to go to the hotel the night before with your son. Do not rely on train connections particularly on the weekends as that is when the majority of engineering works are carried out.

Ask your son which he would find less stressful and then do that.

I agree with this point about the OP's DH being too controlling and manipulating OP hence why she struggles to make a decision. Also looks like financial abuse happening too.

As JennyattheMall writes

"The real issue here is your relationship with your DH and whatever is going on there has made you question yourself so much you felt the need to put it on MN".

I would be advising you to read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft as your H is in those pages.

I think you should go the night before as our kids grow up and get nearer to leaving these occasions are increasingly special so long as you can afford them.
Reading your updates your husband sounds like stress is making him grumpy, keep your head down and carry on.
As an aside @Teenson what's the opportunity please? Ds is a great mathematician with not much on this summer

Accommodation on a Sunday night is often cheaper than the other nights - and train fare will be off-peak all day

I agree with others - Your DH is behaving shockingly badly

Have you been allowed to make many decisions? It sounds like what he says goes and he is never wrong. Perhaps you are having difficulty because doing something different to what your DH wants never happens.
It's clear that your original plan is the better one and makes sense. Your DH is adding unnecessary stress to your life in many ways. He has said he is not going to stop you, but at the same time applies heavy pressure for you to comply with him. You are now left in the middle of knowing its a choice between a stressful morning of travel, or going against his suggestion. It's clear he rules the roost, when really a relationship should be a partnership. Take him at his word, do it your way, he won't stop you and if he sulks about it, that is his problem. Maybe a night away from his criticising is just what you need, time to breathe and be independent- you seem to be timid about arranging things that others would not bat an eyelid at.
He didn't get all that housework, and child-rearing off you for free over the years, so he can't berate you for earning less since. Being the breadwinner does not make a person the big I AM, unless they have always done 50% of household tasks over the years too.

I’m right in thinking DH was fine for it to be a hotel when all three of you were going, but he’s not now because he’s not going - subtext, you are spending “his money” without him…?

Same as the £50 takeaway is fine if he benefits, but 5p of ketchup just for you is outrageous

Stop being frozen and book the hotel now, so that is done. Then step back and start a new thread about living with financial abuse.

Golly he sounds really miserable!

You can buy clean air zone exemption for about £10. A premier inn would be around £50 & you could get something like McDonald's for around £12. So nowhere near £150.

It sounds like he was fine with that plan when he was also going.

Can you not drive up in the morning if he refuses to budge?

I would say you need to work more & then you can do what you like & won't need his permission.

You can’t think straight because your husband is confusing you.

you need to make one small decision and don’t be afraid of making a mistake, is that what the problem is ?

@Teenson hotels are usually cheap on a Sunday night - just do it, save yourself the stress. Various other options too - drive part way, to nearest station with direct route, put son on train there. Lots of creative ways round this, none involving your DH’s fear of missing out.