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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In Turmoil - my marriage is over

299 replies

CowsGoMoo · 07/04/2008 10:48

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have been married for nearly 10 years (anniversary in Aug) We have an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.

He has recently been on a business trip to China and returned last Monday. He was away for 9 days and I missed him more than I could find bearable. Me and the LO's were so excited to pick him up and he was soo pleased to see them but barely exchanged a hi with me, got home for him to tell me that things have changed, he didn't miss me and feels he needs to work things out in his head as to whether we have a future. He said he has been unhappy for such a long time. I really didn't know he was.

We have tried to talk and sort things out since then but nothing I say seems to make it better, I have told him that I would like to try again but he doesn't seem to want that. He asked me this morning to pack him a bag and he is going to stay at his brothers.
I am devastated!

He is a great husband and father, he started his own company a few years back and does put a lot of work into it, the kids adore him and perhaps I haven't been as attentive as I could but cant understand why he says that he doesn't love me in the same way anymore and wants to leave me and our children broken.

I have been so weak and begged him to stay this morning, I feel so pathetic. Crying as I type this.

I really don't know what to do, cant eat or sleep while also trying to smile for the children.

Has anyone got any advice, Thank you

OP posts:
sweetgrapes · 07/04/2008 10:53

Don't really have any advice.

(((Hugs)))) and a cuppa your way

I am so sorry.....

Someone wiser than me will be around soon with some advice

TerriHatchetJob · 07/04/2008 10:54

So sorry for you...........

It all sounds very odd on his part for this sudden change of behaviour towards you.

I immediately thought there must be another woman somewhere - on this 'business trip' maybe? Is there any chance of that do you reckon?

Don't feel weak or pathetic. You must be in shock.

I think if I was in your position I would do everything I could to hide this situation from the children and when you are alone firmly demand he explains himself..........has he met someone else, is he having a midlife crisis - whatever - you need to know and he must talk to you.

musicgirl · 07/04/2008 10:59

CowsGoMoo - ok first of all sort out in your head:

Is it him you really want or are you afraid of being on your own?

Do you work? If not, did he complain that you didn't or seem resentful?

Was your sex life routine, did he complain that he always had to initiate it and you were never in the mood?

Has he recently showed signs of having an affair?

Does he have or has recently had a birthday?

Because the reason he is leaving is because he's either fed up with you, has met someone else or is having a mid life crisis.

The fact you haven't realised that he's been unhappy for a long time isn't good. But he could just be burnt out from working too much and is misdirecting his unhappiness.

The first thing I would do is book a session at relate and ask him to attend with you.

chocfest · 07/04/2008 11:01

i'm so sorry to read that. I think he should pack his own bloody bag though, fancy asking you to do it.

Is it to throw back in your face later, that you packed his bag, so putting a bit of blame on you.

Stay strong, he may just be having a wobbly moment, so let him go if he wants and hopefully he will miss you all and be back for good.

HappyWoman · 07/04/2008 11:16

Oh i really do feel for you - i too have been there (my h was having an affair and one day said he was going). I too begged him to stay and we would work it out - i felt i too had negected him in some ways. He did stay but i felt terrible and knew there was something wrong - i eventually found out about the affair and after him leaving then we are working things out.

It does sound a bit sudden - do you think there may be someone else?

What i found useful was to work on myself and try and be the best i could. Dont feel bad about begging him - you cant change that now and at least it shows how much you care and are hurt.

I would also say dont make him going any easier - let him pack his bag and dont give him any chance to put any of the blame on you. If there is someone else he will want to make it out to be your fault and he will only see your faults - which is why you need to show him just how wonderful you really are and what he will be leaving.

Try and keep busy and remember you will get through this time however hard you are finding it now.

Keep posting too - it really does help.

cosima · 07/04/2008 11:23

demand that he explains to you. if he has been unhappy for a long time how come this is the first you've heard about it? he has a responsibility for making his marriage work, and he can't just bring about such upheaval and expect you just to accept it. You have every right to expect him to take the time to help you understand. I feel for you, but don't be taking this all as your fault

OrmIrian · 07/04/2008 11:25

I tend to agree with cosima. You need to be angry too, cowsgomoo. Not just sad. He is driving a dirty great bulldozer through your and your DCs lives and he can't just do it and expect not to be challenged.

soapbox · 07/04/2008 11:53

I'll bet you a dollar to a cent, that there is someone else in this equation!

Typical male justifying an affair behaviour - 'I've been unhappy for years' therefore I had an affair, which I'm not going to tell you about yet!

I think you need to sit down with him and say that if your marriage has ended then you will cope with that - but what you will not stand for is being lied to. Give him a chance to come clean about what else is going on.

Things will get better - you will get through this hideous time, one way or another.

hecate · 07/04/2008 11:54

Do NOT pack his fucking bag! Talk about walking all over you!

bigknickersbigknockers · 07/04/2008 11:58

Feel for you cows, but tell him to pack his own bag, your not his PA, cheeky bastard

musicgirl · 07/04/2008 12:02

Hecate - you are so right. I did pick up on that in the OP's thread but I concentrated on finding out why he left.

Screw that and screw him!!! You've been the good wife and now that insensitive jerk can take care of himself.

You're going to get your own life and not be his domestic servant any longer.

Change the locks on the doors and tell him he'll be there at 10am Wednesday morning with a removal van for his things. You've arranged for a charity van to come at 12pm and whatever he hasn't taken is going to them.

Tell him you're going to thrown the biggest divorce party that your part of the country has ever seen.

Beetroot · 07/04/2008 12:03

YOu poor thing.

I agree with soapbox but can I add - don't beg him again.

OverMyDeadBody · 07/04/2008 12:03

Yep definately don't pack his bag for him!

The only other advice I can offer is don't beg him to stay, or plead or cry or try to talk him out of it, that will only serve to push him further away and he will interpret it as smothering and be more eager to leave.

Also, don't try to understand why, or try to make things better for him, that's not your responsibility right now. Instead concentrate on keeping strong and looking after your own needs. Don't feel pathetic, you are not responsible for how he feels, if he hasn't been happy for ages that's for him to work out, but it's not your fault.

Beetroot · 07/04/2008 12:04

musicgirl calm down ffs

thisis not a battle a war it is a break up. and it rtakes time. He may have someone els, he may be having a crisis - whatever it is being a hard faced cow will not help.

Newbiebringiton · 07/04/2008 12:06

Cows I could have written your post 2 years ago. Will post more details later (am at work) but if you can get a copy of the Relate book "Staying together: from crisis to greater commitment" this book kept me sane.

DH and I are together and happiest we've ever been stronger than ever. He was fed up with me and having (early...) MLC.

Isn't necessarily an affair.

If your relationship was once brilliant it can be again. This is not necessarily the end....

Beetroot · 07/04/2008 12:07

Newbie - fab post.

musicgirl · 07/04/2008 12:09

Beetroot - sorry, but honestly, what kind of a man tells the wife he has just told he is leaving to pack him a bag?

Elephantsbreath · 07/04/2008 12:11

I think Musicgirl is being supportive and perhaps n ot expecting op to take literal notes.

So sorry to hear your shock Cows , sending more {{{hugs}}}

Beetroot · 07/04/2008 12:11

I think that is the least of her worries tbh. He may feel that she would handle it better if he wasn't upstairs doing it.

Megglevache · 07/04/2008 12:14

Message withdrawn

Miggsie · 07/04/2008 12:17

Pack him a bag...then set fire to it.
He is out of order in so many ways.
You poor thing, what a terrible situation.
You deserve a full explaination from him. Demand one, and demand the kids get one as well, and make him explain to them in front of you.
Cry in private and don't let him see how hurt you are. Concentrate on the children they are likely to be devastated too.

Don't let him somehow say it is all your fault...how can it be?

musicgirl · 07/04/2008 12:17

I just wonder if the op is being too nice about it all. Nice people get walked over and depressed. Pissed off chicks get drunk with their mates and a good divorce lawyer.

But if he's having an affair he deserves to panic a bit about what he's unleashed in a formerly civilised wife. And if he's having a mid life crisis well, he's certainly got something to worry about now (and at least he's not bored any longer).

purpleduck · 07/04/2008 12:19

don't have anything of value to add,
just sending support vibes

OverMyDeadBody · 07/04/2008 12:23

Actually musicgirl I think you're being a bit harsh on the op's DH. He hasn't actually done anything wrong that we know of apart from feel unhappy in hios relationship and want to work things out in his head and have some time apart to sort himself out. That's not a crime surely?

Obviously the op is feeling really awful as a result and she deservs support and sympathy from us, but that doesn't make her DH a bad person, just a real person with a right to be happy just like all of us do.

CowsgoMoo, give your DH some space and time to sort himself out, and in that time concentrate on making yourself feel stronger and ablt to cope with whatever happens. Try not to cling on or pester him. Let him be the one to make contact and offer more explanations.

newmummy27 · 07/04/2008 12:31

cowsgomoo
maybe the trip gave him a sense of space and freedom that he hasnt felt for a long time and it has confused him as to what he wants. have you been stuck in a rut ? a break at his brothers may do you both good as emotions are running high and some perspective may return. it is probably just a difficult patch, all relationships have them remember you are not alone.
nurture yourself and remember you need to love and respect yourself. have you let that go a little?