In Turmoil - my marriage is over

[CowsGoMoo]

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have been married for nearly 10 years (anniversary in Aug) We have an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.

He has recently been on a business trip to China and returned last Monday. He was away for 9 days and I missed him more than I could find bearable. Me and the LO's were so excited to pick him up and he was soo pleased to see them but barely exchanged a hi with me, got home for him to tell me that things have changed, he didn't miss me and feels he needs to work things out in his head as to whether we have a future. He said he has been unhappy for such a long time. I really didn't know he was.

We have tried to talk and sort things out since then but nothing I say seems to make it better, I have told him that I would like to try again but he doesn't seem to want that. He asked me this morning to pack him a bag and he is going to stay at his brothers.
I am devastated!

He is a great husband and father, he started his own company a few years back and does put a lot of work into it, the kids adore him and perhaps I haven't been as attentive as I could but cant understand why he says that he doesn't love me in the same way anymore and wants to leave me and our children broken.

I have been so weak and begged him to stay this morning, I feel so pathetic. Crying as I type this.

I really don't know what to do, cant eat or sleep while also trying to smile for the children.

Has anyone got any advice, Thank you

Cowsgomoo, still thinking about you sending you strength. I'm sure your heads in a whirl but I hope you are managing to hold firm. Let dh go and do whatever he needs to but I hope you can plan some nice things for yourself and for you and your dcs.

Evening people -Hey I thought the support on here this morning was pretty great, not hypocritical or drunk. Just trying to hold the fort really till you lot came back from your jobs. [slurrr]

Why do men think they can get away with being feckless like this?

So he decides he doesn't want to be burdened with his children any more - so off he goes into the night to play and have fun!

Why, why, why?

I'd be making absolutely sure that he takes his turn at caring for the children without you around!

Tell him you're going away on Friday evening for a couple of days - go to a friends house, or a hotel, whatever. Make sure he knows what his life as an absent father is going to be like.

reading newbie posts and feeling awash with emotions.
dh told me nearly a month ago that he was leaving, been togethr 16 years, married 10.
Basically says that he hasn't felt loved by me for years and now has lost his love for me.
Won't go to Relate, determinded there is nothing left (but still sees me as his best friend and cares about me), and that he is moving out. Just in the process of taking a lease on somewhere.
He accepts that he should have talked to me more about it, but feels that he couldn't. Now says that there is nothing left to work on.
I am trying to get him to have councelling himself, if he won't go for us, but he is very reluctant.
I feel that I have no option but to let him go - obviously I don't have any option in this - he is making the choice, it's not like I can command him to stay.
I still love him, even though I would agre that we have been stuck in a rut and drifted apart. I would at this stage do anything to make it work, but can see that once he leaves it will change how I feel.
I don't know if I am helping the OP, I do know that reading other stuff on here helps me.

Omg newbie, that sounds so much like me, I suppose our marriage has followed the route of marriage, children etc etc and we do nothing exciting, ceratinly nothing that is just me and him, I suppose most stuff we do does always involve the children. I am so dependent on him, I can do nothing practical in the house, Christ I couldn't even switch the PS3 on to watch a film while he was in China.

The only thing I can think of that might have frightened him a bit is that I was organising a trip to Paris for our 10th wedding anniversary. perhaps I frightened him that we have been together so long.

He wont however go to a councellor, he says that he just needs to think it through. I am glad you managed to work thing through, there is hope for me in your posts. Did you feel as broken as I do? I do feel that I wont ever mend. Really must get my LO's into bed, have left them downstairs watching tv while I pour my heart out.

Cows go moo - I had almost exactly the same experience as you a few years ago. I sympathise totally

I was devastated at the time. I begged and pleaded too. My said almost the same things as yours.
People who tell you it gets better are right. It does eventually

Being in a stale marriage because one of you is unhappy isnt much fun. My h and I have a great friendship now, he sees the kids one day a week. Its not the same as being happily married, of course it isnt but its better than being unhappily married. Much better.

Do CAT me if you want to - I have been where you are now

love to you and your kids

I find what you say incredibly confusing. He sounds like the man with everything! Really. Why even dream of walking away?

Of course kids and longterm partners can make us feel very very weary, and sometimes you can recall being footloose and its compelling. You know I think it's a mid life crisis, sadly premature.

You're not a loser.

agree with soapbox - tell him hyou need time away to think as well and leave him with the kids for as long weekend

Gp away
do not contact him
and think and relax

oh and start settign some money aside for a rainy day -

Oh chasing squirrels, you and me also sound so much alike, I am sorry that you are going through the same as me. My Dh also wont go to relate or similar.

our free time does seem to always be apart, doing our own activities and we are togetehr wo do always have the children with us, but I thought that family was important. I am sending my love to you chasing as I know exactly how you are feeling

and back to you.

I am see-sawing between thinking "well f you, go then, we (kids and I) will be alright" and being desperatly worried about him (either it's a mid-life-crisis and he needs help, or he has felt as unhappy as he says he has for year in which case he definitely needs help to come to terms with it) and just wanting to make everything ok (which I obviously can't on my own).
We told my 5yo a couple of weeks ogo (as he had picked up on the atmosphere and when I asked him why he was sad he said "because Daddy is leaving us"). He is coping ok with it atm, but will obviously hit harder when H actually leaves.

unhappy as he says for years not year.

So sorry to hear that you feel you won't mend, the pain must be unbearable now, but whatever the outcome, you will get through this and come out a stronger person on the other side.

It sounds like your DH hasn't made his mind up about what he wants yet, but has instead gone away to think and sort his head out.. He may well decide that, as much as the single life entices him now, that in the long run he wants to stay with you. But he may not, and I think this is what you need to prepare yourself for.

Try not to fill your thought with "what did I do wrong?2 and worry about how you caused this to happen. You are not responsible for how he feels and are not to blame in this.

Well done for being strong in front of him, and try not to worry about what you will tell the kids etc., deal with those hurdles as they come up and take each day one at a time.

Soapbox's suggestion of getitng some time to yourself while he looks after the kids is a good one too. He needs torealise that even if he leaves you, he's always going to have his children and that when he does see them he will have to be completely in charge and have a lot more responsibility that he does now as part of co-habiting parents.

Keep posting here, it can be very cathartic!

Felt like the world was ending and I thought the good part of my life was over and that I would never be really happy again, just going through the motions.

Bent the ear of half the Samaritans phone operators in North London in fact (I have learned that in dire straits I am basically a talker...)

I think anyone (by this I mean men can have a crisis at any time and for so many reasons. This, unfortunately, is the one you now have to deal with.....

I can see you've also been with your H a long time and had children when he was quite young (clearly this is relative but young by my standards....) If. from here he is standing, his life is no fun, but routine, providing for a family and drifting apart from his wife then at some point he will question it.

I don't think that makes him a bad person. What sets him apart is how, ultimately he deals with it. And if he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you he'll find it so much harder to deal with even a bit objectively.

Because yes he has responsibility for a family. But also he has to have a good, exciting and fulfiling life for himself as a person, and also has the right to have a wonderful relationship (with you ;)

And, frankly, with a bit of thought there is no reason why he shouldn't have all three.

A way forward would be to talk by yourselves or with a counsellor about what your dreams are, what is fun, what you really want for you. (My H never really thought about this for some reason.) Then there must be a way you can make this happen together. You both have to be a bit selfish in a way to get what you need.

Right I'll stop here before I get too Oprah-ish and project my situation onto you too much. It's early days for this sort of stuff. You're probably in shock for now and the next few days. Please look after yourself and eat / sleep as well as you can. Keep posting x

its not that he doesn't have a good life, but it is basically that every pasttime he has he does without me. He attends karate 3 times a week at the same club our son attends. He regularly goes paintballing with the boys, he is not a drinker but goes out with his friends a few times a month, he now says he also wants to join a gym! I just feel that he is trying to recapture what he lost 9 years ago when our son was born.

Our ds was conceived on our honeymoon (he will be 9 in May) and dh says that he was never married to me.... just suddenly became a dad, but it did take 2 of us to make him and it was just as much a shock to me as it was to dh (i was on the pill)

perhaps it is a mid life (abeit early) crisis

what is CAT someone and how do i do it?

Just stumbled over this thread. Cowsgomoo, you have my full sympathy, really feel sorry for you and hope the pain will ease with the support of friends and MNs.

You said he's happy to lead a single life without you or the kids hanging on to him. Well, it's not that easy, is it? He cannot just wash his hands of two of his flesh and blood and then walk away from his responsibilities. Even if he moves out he will have to have them stay over at his place and they will expect him to care for them and also for you. If he does the math he will end up gaining nothing and losing it all: the family support, the respect of you and the children and both your families, colleagues, social circle, etc.

I'd like to point out that it's good he seems to be staying with his brother. He's still close to his family and that's a sign that I don't think there's another person involved. He'd be shutting everyone out so they couldn't lecture him, if it was the case.

I think it's vital that you concentrate on your dcs, plan a fun WE and drop by some of your friends and relatives for support. No more begging, asking questions or laying the blame. Be strong, do not call him and don't moon around him. Get pampered if you can: a hair trim (nothing too drastic), mani+pedi, go swimming, etc, just look your best, put a bit of make up on and show him you're busy getting on with life. If he knows he cannot take you for granted and return home to you after his 'excursion', then maybe it'll click what he's about to throw away. Do not lose hope my dear, be strong and independent. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

oh CGM what he is doing is gutless - my God how can he abdicate responsibility like this. FFS we all feel like we don't want restraints in life after a bit of time out - but he obviously has no value for what a wonderful life he has with you and his children that he walked back into.
He should count himself damn lucky that he can take time out, even for work, and he should be missing you and the DC!

I am probably not making much sense here - but I feel he is a cruel, emotionless man and I'm sorry it does sound like he has met someone else.

Oh shit I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you have any Family close?

CGM - You need to be a member - Ill CAT you if you like

Ime men rarely leave unless they have somewhere to go.

You don't suddenly go away for 10 days and come back all liberated, pack your stuff and leave.

Sorry but I would put money on the likelyhood there is someone else.

This man is not your best friend. A best friend just wouldn't act like this.

So sorry, you deserve much better.

I can't talk to my family, I feel such a failure that I cant keep my dh loving me, pathetic excuse I know but perhaps I am also hoping he will come back and then I wont have to tell them.
'
He has told me that he doesn't want to ruin LO's lives and he wont/doesn't want to be parent where the children have a bedroom at mummy's house and a bedroom at daddy's house, is he telling me he doesn't want them?

he has said the house and everything in it was done for the family and if we do split I will stay there.

I don't know whether he is trying to be nice or not, Our niece is from broken marriage and it tears her apart going form home to home so I wonder whether he is trying to be nice and avoid heartbreak. (This is his brother daughter)

I still love him so much and feel like a right prat for not noticing all thiis so much earlier

"its not that he doesn't have a good life, but it is basically that every pasttime he has he does without me.". So it sounds to me as if you're already not that big a part of his life. .

It does sound a bit like he is going to walk away from everything.

What a tosser. .

Hi wannabe, he has gone to his brothers house (only 10min drive away) his brother came to us when his ex walked out on him. I know he is there as we are currently discussing our 'relationship' on his brothers msn account, great hey?!

CGM - It is very possible that it is an early mid-life crisis - they dont have to be 40.
I can see some similarities with my h - even though he had an affair. He was 37 when he had a bit of a wobbly. Couldn't understand why he was working so hard "what is it all for anyway?".
He believed I didn't love him anymore (which wasn't true), he thought I was unhappy with him.
When he told me of the affair it was in a "well that's the end of us" sort of way. I was angry because he seemed to have reached this conclusion without speaking to me at all.
They just dont like talking. They keep it all in and want you to be a mind reader which makes life very difficult.
I truly hope that you sort this out - we are trying at the moment. Talking (whether to you or a counsellor) is really needed. Hope he sees that. x

Agree with Wannabe, he may have been unhappy for years, but hasn't gone till now. Both sexes might feel dissatisfaction, but generally don't actually break up until there's someone to end it for. Everyone under the sun will pretend there is nobody else, according to my solicitor, and even when there is somebody else, they have never slept with them.

Except in cases of abuse, etc. Sorry. Talking crap again.

You will get strong again and survive. I have to be honest and say he sounds totally like my soon to be ex (signed the divorce papers today). He went on a trip to the USA came back and instead of communicating, criticised everything I did. Then I got the I've been unhappy for ages, funny how he was always happy with life with me and the boys until this trip.

He is a 46 year old how still wants the single life without the "boredom" of marriage, parenthood. He hates normality and loves the chase. Hence he's had two women (maybe more) since he walked out on me and the boys.

If he doesn't come back, it's up to both of you to talk to the children. You will be able to do that. He should consider counselling at least to be able to talk through his emotions in front of you via a third party mediator.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I would not wish this on even an enemy. It's an horrendous time. I went to hell and back over the last few years. However, with the emotional support of family and friends I've come out at the other end. I'm still emotional and feel let down by him, however, I'm realizing that life can move on.