In Turmoil - my marriage is over

[CowsGoMoo]

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have been married for nearly 10 years (anniversary in Aug) We have an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.

He has recently been on a business trip to China and returned last Monday. He was away for 9 days and I missed him more than I could find bearable. Me and the LO's were so excited to pick him up and he was soo pleased to see them but barely exchanged a hi with me, got home for him to tell me that things have changed, he didn't miss me and feels he needs to work things out in his head as to whether we have a future. He said he has been unhappy for such a long time. I really didn't know he was.

We have tried to talk and sort things out since then but nothing I say seems to make it better, I have told him that I would like to try again but he doesn't seem to want that. He asked me this morning to pack him a bag and he is going to stay at his brothers.
I am devastated!

He is a great husband and father, he started his own company a few years back and does put a lot of work into it, the kids adore him and perhaps I haven't been as attentive as I could but cant understand why he says that he doesn't love me in the same way anymore and wants to leave me and our children broken.

I have been so weak and begged him to stay this morning, I feel so pathetic. Crying as I type this.

I really don't know what to do, cant eat or sleep while also trying to smile for the children.

Has anyone got any advice, Thank you

He sent me an email saying he didn't like staying away last night. I am so pleased and feel a bit better this morning that he had a crap night, The boiler broke where he is staying so no heat or hot water this morning!

think i might be getting angry about him, dd woke this morning and was almost in tears when she came into our room asking where her daddy is? I told her he had gone to work early as he has lots to do, she accepted it, not sure my ds did though

How long do I really give him to sort his head out? feel like I am being kept waiting, he has been home from china for 8 days now,(came home monday last week) when will he know what he wants?

from a lot of the posts, it seems that men find it easy to come out with the I'm unhappy line lets end it and sod the kids.

woke this morning with a bit more of something (cant quite explain!) but have decided that I am going to join, gym or aerobics class or something to get fit, been meaning to do something about those few extra pounds I've been carrying since dd's birth, for well over a year, going to do something for me now and not be a dormat any longer, I hope this confidence lasts. I will make him sit up and see what he is missing! or is this part of my desperation to get him back?

Thank you all for your lovely and helpful comments, it is saddening to see how many others though have gone through the same heartache. x

I dont think doing something like getting fit is part of your desperation to get him back.
I found it helped me in that I could control that part of my life (but couldn't control my relationship) so got some comfort from that.
It also boosted my self confidence which was at an all time low. You really need to feel good about yourself FOR YOU, nothing to do with him.

nothing to add just sympathy. I wonder if all is not lost but dont want to give you false hope. I am sure all of us mums and dads miss the freedom we used to have and sometimes it is hard to see that it is replaced with something so much better (our families). I guess you have to give him space, which is hard for you, but that gives you space too, to work out what it is YOU want. take care xxx

Good on you CGM.

I hate to build your hopes up (especially given some of the other stories on here) but it may turn out that he realises he has simply made an appalling mistake. Speaking as a guy, it's fair to say that blokes can be incredibly short sighted about things, especially on a visceral basis. It may well be that his 'fantasy' life of being single sounded wonderful for a few days overseas in which he could be young and feckless again but is less appealing in the cold light of day - going out, getting drunk, lounging around, playing video games, going clubbing etc. does sound a wonderful way to re-capture your youth. Unfortunately, and I can see it with mates who are 30+ and don't have families or partners, that doesn't really make up for the long lonely hours sat by yourself at home with no-one to share it with....

Just as an aside, by the way, he has behaved like a wanker, so if he does come crawling back, he deserves a good kick in the bollocks...

Good post, C'estlavie

I think exercise is grat because it releases endorphins, so you actually do feel physically and psychologically better afterwards - and you're doing something for yourself. It will definitely affect your self-esteem positively, so GO FOR IT and good luck!!

xxx

This may sound incredibly odd but I remembered last night a friend who had a similar situation to you (though they had no kids, it was ages away). He went on a business trip to somewhere in the far east, slept with a prostitute with no protection and was too mortified to tell his partner so rather than do that he moved out so he could get himself checked out for STDs so he didn't ahve to pass them to her . Eventually it all came out and they are still together as far as I know.

It sounds amazing but men will very often go to extremes to avoid telling the truth (and women probably!)

I'm sure that is NOT the case for your dh but just thought I should mention it in case

ages ago even

Message withdrawn

I think it is commonish
she had heard of others too

Countess dracula, thanks for your post, Hoping for my sake that he did not sleep with anyone while away as in my desperation to keep him at home with us, I enticed him into sex last wednesday! no protection!

To be honest I am not enjoying the seperation he has enforced on us, but I am getting things straight in my head too, realise now that beging, crying, howling (yes i did do that) and co ercing him into sex wasnt and hasnt worked.

We are talking like grown ups for the first time today. He took an extended lunch break and came home to see the children this afternoon, played chess with ds and did drawing with dd.

We then saw him again when I dropped a timer to him at work and then at the dojo where my ds and husband both do karate, ds lesson was just finishing as husband started.

He and I have also both spoken on msn (i know its crap) this evening and at end we both said how much we had enjoyed talking today.

The upshot of this is that he is coming to dinner tomorrow! I feel like i am going on a date!

I dont know whether our marriage will survive or whether he wants it to, but felt so good to actually talk and learn what we both want.
perhaps we can move forward,

big hugs to everyone who has helped me.

CGM xxx

CGM - hoping very, very much that this all works out for you all

Just please bear in mind that this is not just about getting him back - it is about a relationship that works for the whole family not just to suit your H!

Be wise - take things slowly - take time to think about what you want.

He threw the grenade into the room - you survived the first blast, now you need to decide what kind of relationship you are happy with!

Try not to get too elated, he could still kick it all out from under you. So try to be balanced. But I hope with all my heart that you can go forward. No family deserves this to happen to them.

CGM - hope you have a good evening.

CGM - sorry to hear your sad tale, although great to hear things are looking more positive. Just wanted to add that my dad walked out on my mum, completely out of the blue one new year's day. Said he'd had enough of the life they had together. I was 25 at the time and wasn't living at home, but i moved back in with mum because she was in pieces. After completely disappearing for 3 weeks, he came back, they did a lot of talking, went away for a weekend. Then followed a trip to the doctor's, where he was prescribed prozac.. and he suddenly turned back into the dad we all knew and loved. He'd been so tired and stressed through work that his state of mind had been badly affected, but it had happened so gradually that no one really noticed. They seemed much happier for this break so I'm keepign my fingers crossed that a little time apart is the only thing needed to sort things out x

I did a mid week roast with all trimmings (roast beef) got a lovely bottle of wine and scrummy desert, We sat down as a family for meal and all looked good, he got kids ready for bed and read dd a story while I cleared up. went upstairs and kissed the LO's night, snuggled them in and came downstairs to see him with his coat and shoes on ready to go, he thanked me for a lovely dinner and went, nothing else at all, no talk even though he had agreed to talk re marriage councelling.

Once again I feel so cheap, used, stupid and low. Once again he has reduced me to tears and I am trying to be strong. but I dont know what to do now. How can I make things better. starting to feel so depressed and to cap it all have almost ignored LO's today in my quest to make house look perfect, make pudding he likes and dinner so that he would sit up and realsie what he is missing.

What is the matter with me? why am I so bad? why doesn't he love me anymore?

I am sitting here so miserable, with no one, kids asleep in bed, is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?

why do i have to miss him?

Oh you poor thing. You must feel terrible. I don't really know how to make you feel any better. You must believe though that you are not the reason he doesn't love you any more. He has obviously decided he wants a different kind of life from the one he had, one that doesn't feature the mundane everyday life that is marriage & kids. I honestly think he may need some time to realise that the grass isn't always greener, which is hard for you, but you must try to keep your chin up for the children's sake. Do you have friends around that you can see tomorrow? Try to keep busy during the day - I was on my own for 4 years after splitting from my ex and actually came to enjoy my own company very much. Try to see the positive side of this (easy to say I know) and do what you said before, join a gymn whatever, to keep busy. Sending you lots of hugs xxx

Oh Cows! That's not good. Sending you lots of sympathies!!!

Sounds like he got a good deal there, a wonderful meal with all the trimmings, time with his kids, and then he bolted rather than face up to anything and talk! Sounds like he was scared and a coward.

Your previous posts where good though, sounded like you two had had some good talks, perhaps he finds it easier to write how he's feeling, via emails and msn, rather than face to face? Or perhaps he still doesn't know.

He can't just leave you hanging and waiting though, that isn't fair to you and not a good way to treat anyone, how about you taking some control, give him a time limit, an ultimatum, and if he has no clear answer as to what he wants by then, then you will end it anyway. Otherwise, this way, he's getting the best of both worlds isn't he? You cooking him nice meals, getting to see his kids, and then leaving and living the single life too . That's not fair, don't be a part of that.

Next time he wants to meet, tell him he'll have to take you out and put the effort in, not you.

Whatever happens, things will get better, I promise.

So much easier said than done but please please please try not to do all the things that your doing, it's soul destroying. I did it and it makes not the slightest bit of difference to the outcome apart from you feel like shit about yourself.

Distance yourself, as much as is possible because of the children, because whilst ever he's around, pulling the strings, you will not be able to think about anything else but this situation. He maybe is unhappy but think about what you want in a civilised manner and go away to think, don't think whilst your sleeping with the woman that makes you so unhappy.....what a cock!!

Start to think about what you want, what you want for your children and also bear in mind that what your missing at the moment is what you've been used to for a long time and it's routine, stand up for yourself, go on - you'll feel so much better.

There are gorgeous blokes out there and you WILL fall in love again, I thought my world had ended, as it happens it had and thank god it did, I have a gorgeous fella and daughter now and I wouldn't have thought I could be this happy. You have to go through the bad times to get the good, they'll come.

Ditch the man - he's tremendously self centred. By the way - an old cliche - but I really do feel you deserve better.

Good luck.

I really feel for you cows. It is so hard to know what to do. He has obviously got stuff going round in his head and rather than talk to you he is just keeping it all in.

If he is finding it easier to talk via msn/text, maybe that is the way to go. If there isn't anyone else, maybe you could ask if that is what he wants?

Ask if he would be upset if you were seeing someone else. Would that arouse any jealousy?

Would he be ok with there being a "step-daddy" in your dc's life??

I still think he is having a bit of a mid-life crisis.

Do try to do some things for yourself as others have suggested. It really does help as I have found out.

Take care of yourself x

CGM, so sorry this evening wasn't what you expected. As others have said it isn't anything you have said or done - it seems like he needs to sort his head out. So far, he seems to be getting all the nice stuff with none of the headaches - he needs a reality check.

Sorry I have no useful advice at all but just try to feel better about yourself and don't see your reflection in him (IYSWIM!).

Had a really bad night last night, after posting here, decided I really needed some answers so rang him, shit really hit the fan, he spent an hour screaming down the phone to me that I am selfish and its all me, me, me. because I said that I needed to know when he would make up his mind about us.

He said that his love for me died 5 years ago and he has just been with me for the children.
One who was conceived after his love had gone. He told me that although he loves the children he never wanted any and didnt want dd when i was pg. lots of other nasty things came out as well. I dont know where this anger came from and whether he said these things to be spiteful, he so adores his children normally. Is he trying to make a wedge between us?
what is he thinking?

He has said no to relate, so I really dont know where to turn.

I have still told no one other than one friend and Im only communicating with her through texts as I really cant bring myself to tell anyone that I failed and he has gone.

Woke at 4am and have just not slept since then, I look horrendous, my eyes are puffy and sore from crying and although I had such great plans for gym, I dont feel I can even walk out the door.

where do i go from here? should i seek some advice from councellor? I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up and someone has made it all better.

Please dont think that you have failed!

This is so typical of men (sorry for stereotyping) that he felt like this 5 yrs ago and didn't talk about it then when maybe the relationship could have been salvaged. These thoughts have obviously just made him angry and bitter.

Even though he doesn't want to do relate, find a Counsellor for yourself and talk it through. You really need to realise that this isn't your fault.

Also, let your family/friends know what is going on. I am sure you will get lots of support.

Go have a cold shower - dress in nice clothes - put some slap on - open the window and shout "I am fantastic!". If you still dont feel better then go and spend some money on yourself .

Take Care x

You know what
it sounds like guilt to me

Sorry but if he had just fallen out of love with you he wouldn't be trying to attack you like this surely.

Oh, CowsGoMoo, this is so horrible. I think CD is right - he feels guilty. Surely if he had never wanted children he would have mentioned it before now?

Are the children at school today? Can you actually have a nap? You need to rest, by the sounds of it.

Try not to take his insults to heart - he seems to be seriously mixed up at the moment.

Sending strength and best wishes to you.

How has your day been cowsgomoo? He does sound particularly nasty and spiteful, which as others have said is probably because he feels guilty. don't let him lead you into thinking that it's your fault. he obviously can't take the responsiblity of wife and family, nor the responsiblity to act like a man and not just run away without tyring to sort things out. I'm sure that pretty soon you'll begin to get angry rather than upset and that's when you'll feel a bit stronger. Whereabouts in the country are you? I'm in Norfolk, are you anywhere near? If so you're more than welcome to have a RL shoulder to cry on if you're not up to telling family etc yet.