In Turmoil - my marriage is over

[CowsGoMoo]

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have been married for nearly 10 years (anniversary in Aug) We have an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.

He has recently been on a business trip to China and returned last Monday. He was away for 9 days and I missed him more than I could find bearable. Me and the LO's were so excited to pick him up and he was soo pleased to see them but barely exchanged a hi with me, got home for him to tell me that things have changed, he didn't miss me and feels he needs to work things out in his head as to whether we have a future. He said he has been unhappy for such a long time. I really didn't know he was.

We have tried to talk and sort things out since then but nothing I say seems to make it better, I have told him that I would like to try again but he doesn't seem to want that. He asked me this morning to pack him a bag and he is going to stay at his brothers.
I am devastated!

He is a great husband and father, he started his own company a few years back and does put a lot of work into it, the kids adore him and perhaps I haven't been as attentive as I could but cant understand why he says that he doesn't love me in the same way anymore and wants to leave me and our children broken.

I have been so weak and begged him to stay this morning, I feel so pathetic. Crying as I type this.

I really don't know what to do, cant eat or sleep while also trying to smile for the children.

Has anyone got any advice, Thank you

9 days in China and then back wanting to split up?? I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. He could have been up to all sorts. Does he go often?

Miggsie how is he out of order in so many ways? The only thing he did out of order was ask her to pack his bag, but then after 14 years together this may be habit rather than anything else.

It's not necessarily suspitious that you didn't have any idea he's been unhappy for so long cows, after all, men are often very good at hiding their feelings, even from themselves.

Give him some space and don't blame yourself for any of this. You cannot control how he feels and you are not to blame for him being unhappy.

Why is everyone attacking the op's DH? Aren't men allowed to just feel unhappy in a relationship without having an affair or being up to all sorts?

OMDB - I don't think he has the right to stress out and upset his wife by dumping his emotional baggage on to her and then run away. The grown up thing to do would have been to ask her to attend marriage counselling with him as he isn't happy with the relationship. But that's just my opinion.

if someone says they are not happy and haven't for a long time the implication is that the partner has failed to make them happy somehow. Actually his happiness is up to him and if unhappy should address it within the marriage surely. ??

To just be off, with no clear explanation and leaving wife and dc's is shitty behaviour.

Life crisis. ow, bad patch, whatever. She deserves much better than this.

Cowsgomoo - let it go for now. It's a horrible shock for you but like others have said it'll calm down for you and you will be able to consider how to go forward.

of course he's allowed to be unhappy and to do something about it. It's the lack of communication that is so 'out of order' imo. I'm not happy, I'm buggering off, deal with it (I'm not interested in how you feel)...and and btw pack my bags for me

He didn't dump his emotional bagage on her, he told her he was unhappy and needed some time to think things through on his own?! Obviously that's going to stress out the OP and make her unhappy, but he isn't responsible for her feelings any more than she is responsible for his!

If he isn't happy, he needs to tell his wife, regardless of whether or not thast will cause her unhappiness and stress in return.

Now he's said he needs some space and is going to his brothers to sort his head out. He hasn't just walked out without a backwards glance. Presumably he'll do some thinking and then be in a better postition to sit down and talk it through with his wife, or seek councelling together, but there is nothing wrong with wanting or needing some space to think things through alone first. Give him a break. If this was a man posting about how his wife was unhappy and needed time to think there would have been very different responses that's for sure.

totally agree omdb

IMO what the op's h has done wrong is that he has been unhappy for a while but rather than talk about it, he has already decided to move out to give HIM space to think.
It is as though he has decided the relationship is over without giving his dw any chance to discuss this with him.

I am with alot of other posters on here - I feel there is more to it and, hopefully op will get more info from h.

Does sound like either another woman or mid-life crisis.

Is he 40ish??

telling your spouse you've been unhappy for a long time is a shitty and childish thing to do. You deny them a voice in whatever the issues are as there is an unspoken accusation that they didn't even realise there was a problem and therefore are responsible for it.

Taking a unilateral decision that you need "space" and aren't "happy" when you are married with children is pathetic. That's not how committed adults with responsibilities deal with problems.

How is it pathetic? He has a right to want space and to tell his wife he is unhappy.

I told my ex I'd been unhappy for a long time and was leaving him. He had no idea and it was a total shock to him, but it was most definately not a shitty or childish thing to do ffs.

I don't think it means there is an unspoken accusation they the other spouce is somehow responsible for it either. Why would there be?

Poor you. I hope you have good friends around you.

For what it's worth, these are my thoughs. He's almost certainly having an affair. Don't pack his bag (lazy git) and wait it out. See a lawyer though. You've done the begging, now be practical. Good luck.

Thank heavens for OverMyDeadBody!! What a brave attempt to keep things a little in perspective.

Why does everyone rush to sweeping judgments so quickly? Why the anger towards the OP's husband?

I just don't get it.

As it stands, all we know is he has come back from a trip, been brave enough to say he doesn't feel as he used to, and has said he is going to get some space to think things through. And you all pound in and say there's no doubt whatsoever that he has been having an affair!! He could well have but we do not know that and I really think this kind of leaping to conclusions is just going to wind the OP up in an already difficult time.

If the roles were reversed and the OP was posting here saying she had been away and realised she just didn't feel the same way about her DH and had decided to get some time away from him, the thread would be awash with messages of support.

At this stage, OP needs support for the shock she has suffered, not playground conjecture and gossip as to what may or may not lie behind this.

Until we know more, I just do not see the benefit in doing anything other than ensuring that the OP herself is physically and emotionally ok at this horrible time.

The OP does say he is a great husband and father. Give him a chance to explain himself and the OP and him a chance to communicate and find ways forward.

(and yes, I am a man)

Jesus, the hypocrisy on MN can really be astounding.

There's been plenty of posts on here with a woman saying she was leaving her husband because she didn't want to be with him and as far as I can recall, most posters say why not see if you can try to work it out, think about Relate etc. whilst also wondering what the husband had done to deserve it.

In this case, with the roles reversed and even though she's said he's a great husband and great father, half the posters here are telling her to slam the door on him immediately and get herself a good divorce lawyer as he's probably having an affair. FFS.

Yes, he has behaved (to my mind) very badly in turning up and simply making the statement that he wants to go but to jump from there to this is not only unhelpful and hypocritical, it's actually damaging. We're talking about a real person here, with children who's fighting to hold her family together, understand what's happened to her relationship and whether there can be a way forward for them, and the advice she's being given is "he's probably having an affair, leave the b*stard". Jesus wept.

When he says "things have changed" - in what way? Have you pushed him on this?

Is he at a milestone birthday (30, 40, 50?)

Have you asked him if he is having an affair or an emotional thing with someone else?

Or what happened in China?

I certainly wouldn't pack his bag - I would try and get him to sit down and talk properly without begging. Say to him that you are his wife and the mother of his children and that you and they deserve more than him just walking out because he feels like it. If he can't offer you an explanation or something further then I would say there is something he is hiding from you quite possibly. Who knows though?

Although I'm ususally at the feorocity of the "leave him and set fire to his testicles while you're at it" responses, I can understand the sentiment behind them really.

They are messages of support for this poster. Her dh isn't posting here.

I see it as the equivalent of drunken girlfriends slurring "all men are bastards, he wasn't good enough for you" when you have a break up.

I hope you can talk it through soon and have some of your questions answered CowsGoMoo.

And I hope you're coping OK today.

Hi CowsGoMoo hope you are OK tonight. I was in such a similar position. DH was unhappy for over a year it turns out but couldn't understand why he felt different just that he didn't feel the same way about me. Bottled it up for ages then finally came home one day and said he didn't want to be married anymore. Moved out 2 weeks later. Said he was sure it was over but agreed to go to Relate to as he "owed it to the relationship" to understand how it had gone wrong.

Prior to that he had been staying out later, was secretive about his phone, I was anxious etc. but we had such a good, easy relationship for so many years we didn't really recognise it going wrong or what to do about it.....

....posting in stages cos internet connection rubbish.

Anyway, I was devastated, felt 100% betrayed by not only what he was saying but the way he dealt with it.

We went to Relate and slowly it came out. We had a life that was following a sort of pre-determined path. Long work hours, pressure to go out a lot, buying new stuff etc. I was very dependent on him and had stopped making so much of an effort. I didn't "let" him do a lot of things he wanted to eg go away with the boys, live abroad etc.

He couldn't say no to me on anything and didn't tackle any of this, so it built up until the feelings changed.

TBH both of us had done things wrong, but he was painted as the bad guy because he left (which at the time was bloody right!).....

Relate was a lifesaver for us and helped us redefine our relationship. We had been living our life in the same way without question for so long. We basically each took a blank piece of paper and different headings eg home, money, frineds, sex etc. and write down our feelings about it - what was important to us and what we wanted. Then discussed them in turn.

I learned so much about the man I'd been with since I was 16..... and we almost began our relationship again from scratch.

Important things for me at the time were to look after myself, surround myself with friends, and lead a full life where he wasn't the only thing in it. I also realised where I had been going wring as well as him.

Things got better gradually. He'd destroyed the trust I had in him and it took about 18 months for that to fully come back. Even now I can only be 99% sure we will stay together, but I think that's healthy.

A chance came up to move abroad, and we've been here for just over a year now. We're staying for the long term and we have changed how we live our lives (less stress) and how we communicate.

I can honestly say our marriage is better for what happened - it's stronger and I know how to deal with many more things now. Also not to take it for granted.

Leaving me was the worst thing he could have done because I trusted him to always look after me - but he wasn't bad or trying to hurt me, just confused and trapped and he did the only thing he knew how to get out of it. So I have forgiven but will never forget.

For me the basic question is - if deep down you know he is a good guy and you have had a wonderful relationship before, you can have that again.

I hope your situation is similar.......and hope my experience shows you he isn't necessarily a bastard and is not necessarily having an affair

Thinking of you.

Great posts newbie

Many thanks to everyone who has posted a reply to me here.

I'm just sorry I didn't look back at this earlier. I did pack his bag for him, for 4 days away and now having read what has been said here, feel even more of a loser.

He has not had a big milestone birthday (only 34!) and I do genuinely believe he is not having an affair, we have our company and the other role I have within it is to do the books (finances alongside the accountant) so can verify that when he says he is working he is and no odd money going out of account as I also do the home finances.

anyhow I did ask him why he suddenly feels this way and he said his trip to china was liberating, he was free to go in and out of an evening without restrictions of family, basically do what he pleases without me and the children around his neck. I think he wants to be single again for the social life etc, I just don't know.

I spoke of trying again, talking etc but he says that its his decision and no one can influence him.

He has gone now, said goodbye and goodnight to children, he has just told them that Daddy is working late tonight at work and he will see them again tom.

I didn't cry in front of him but I'm shaking and crying now (away from children)

He isn't a bad man but I just can't understand why he is breaking my heart.

Has this ever happened to anyone on here and their husbands have come back?

He is (was?) my best friend I don't know who to turn to for help, he was always my shoulder to cry on etc.

What do I do if he never comes back? I am sounding so weak and stupid but did feel strong when he went and I didn't cry.

what do I tell my children if he breaks up our family?

Oh,so it's great for him to be free of the children he has made with you?

What a vile sort he sounds.