In Turmoil - my marriage is over

[CowsGoMoo]

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have been married for nearly 10 years (anniversary in Aug) We have an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.

He has recently been on a business trip to China and returned last Monday. He was away for 9 days and I missed him more than I could find bearable. Me and the LO's were so excited to pick him up and he was soo pleased to see them but barely exchanged a hi with me, got home for him to tell me that things have changed, he didn't miss me and feels he needs to work things out in his head as to whether we have a future. He said he has been unhappy for such a long time. I really didn't know he was.

We have tried to talk and sort things out since then but nothing I say seems to make it better, I have told him that I would like to try again but he doesn't seem to want that. He asked me this morning to pack him a bag and he is going to stay at his brothers.
I am devastated!

He is a great husband and father, he started his own company a few years back and does put a lot of work into it, the kids adore him and perhaps I haven't been as attentive as I could but cant understand why he says that he doesn't love me in the same way anymore and wants to leave me and our children broken.

I have been so weak and begged him to stay this morning, I feel so pathetic. Crying as I type this.

I really don't know what to do, cant eat or sleep while also trying to smile for the children.

Has anyone got any advice, Thank you

Dear CGM, good on you for getting the appointment with a solicitor next Friday! It'll give you time to put your papers in order and think about what you want out of this. Someone else has said it before: it's really vital not to use the lawyer's meeting to bitch about what he's done but to state the facts in a short and direct way. The legal eagles are charging you per minute per hour.

You are on the right track to be afforded a really good settlement, not only for yourself, but most importantly for your dcs whose future will depend on it! Name the OW, she'll be on file, publicly named and shamed and as I mentioned before certain traditional companies won't ever touch her. It's such a loss of face for the Chinese slag. Another point I'd like to make is that IME after living years in Far East Asia I've noticed that Chinese girls rely a lot on their man to afford them the life they want. A caucasian expat is the ticket to money, a new passport, glam lifestyle and rise in status among their peers. I'm sure she likes him, to stick around for years, but it's also what he ca give her that's making her spread her legs and star as a porn slut on MSN. Sorry but bear with me: what I want to say is that once you'll have taken the lionshare of his money and your kids are in his heart and will, there's going to be a whole load less money around for her and his new life. Cultural differences, living in suffocating domestic situation with PIL and no job for her and small baby from someone else are going to gnaw away at their relationship. Combine this with the guilt he'll be feeling when your kids are crying for their Daddy as he's leaving or are experiencing holidays, school plays without him. Their relationship will fall apart, it's built on someone's pain, how can it be someone's unbridled pleasure? Watch them tear each other apart as the divorce process evolves. Draw up a long term (half a year) plan which WE's he's going to have the kids, which holidays, etc. I know it must seem alien to you now but only this will ensure that you get time to yourself to meet new people, go out with friends, start a new hobby or course and move on.

In regards to his invoicing. Tough luck. Man, he's gonna be bleeding like a stuck pig once you put your claim in. Am wishing you all the very best hun. Be strong, book yourself into something nice for Sunday, go to the sunbed, swimming, gym or movies.

Take care, x

Hello CGM you sound quite strong and positive in your posts and that is good. Now get yourself something nice for when the children are out with him - you deserve it. I am pleased you have your appointment on Friday. I can also see that although you are quite pleased that he is squirming over not being able to the invoices, you want things in the business to be ticking over nicely as your settlement could depend on how well the business is doing, but let him sweat for now. As he appears to be 'taking on' another man's child, then the money has got to be found for that one as well but that's his problem, you and your children come first. So if, at your end this is all sorted out asap then that would be in your favour and then to hell with his invoices and admin work - let her learn how to do them. Does anybody have an idea what the sortest timescale could be?

That sortest is shortest!

How did you do today CGM?

I remember being quite lonely on bank hol weekends when my H left, to be honest that doesn't last long, you'll soon be bouncing back, invite people round, enjoy some quiet time and do something for yourself or get out and about with your friends. That may take a bit of time but you'll have a great time when you do.

Anyway - sod the "invoicing", keep on keeping on, concentrate on yourself and your children and f* him!

Take care.

How was your first day alone CGM? I didnt go to work in the end. (Long story ) so ended up spending the afternoon with an old friend in your neck of the woods. We spent many a boozy weekend together pre H. It was good to catch up. Then I had dinner with my parents.

The dc are home tomorrow morning. Im looking forward to seeing them again. If the dc are up to it I might bring them down to see the bikes tomorrow & play at the arcades. I won loads of little toys there last night when I went with my sisters & their DH`s. The staff there are very helpful & nothing was too much trouble for them. They couldnt speak any English though, I think they were Polish.

Enjoy your bank holiday monday.

Still here and thinking of you CGM..... hope you're still feeling positive big hugs and stay strong X

Hi CGM. Hope your weekend went ok.

Hey Cowsgo, where you gone? Hope you are ok, thinking of you.

I havent heard from her for a few days. I hope she`s ok.

Were all here for you CGM, & plenty of us going through, or been through the same thing. All happy to help or advise if we can.

CGM, I hope everything is okay.

Cowsgomoo - we're here to listen and support, I hope you are OK??

Ive heard from her. Think she`s ok.

She had an appointment with a solicitor today, I wonder how that went.

CGM, how are you? Did it go well at the solicitor's office? I hope you got the support you're looking for. We're here for you.

Take care!

Apparently the solicitors cancelled the appointment because CGM & her H have used the firm before. She`s back to square one as far as that goes now.

Hope cowsgomoo is ok just look to see if she had posted since but nothing hope sehe on with a diff name, but realise this is unlikely......

This happened to a very good friend of mine, she didn't have a clue he was unhappy either, but it turns out he had been on anti-depressants for a year and she didn't even know! Sadly, for you, there probably will be another woman, there was with my friend. Men are very stupid uncomplicated and if they're not getting what they need at home, they'll find it elsewhere. You say in your post you haven't been as attentive as you could and I guarantee that'll be the reason he's going, but please, please don't blame yourself. It's a hard fact that when the dcs come along and we embark upon the path of motherhood, men feel neglected/rejected/whatever, they're just like babies really, except not nearly as lovable. This doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage, give him some time and space, make yourself strong, show him again the woman he fell in love with and the happy family you both created. Use this time to focus on yourself and your needs and you'll emerge stronger. You might even find that he'll be begging to come back and you won't be interested.

Oops, sorry CGM, must learn to read to the end of a thread before posting. Your story is horrendous. As awful as things seem, they do get better, you have your dcs with you and that makes you the winner. Please look after yourself, no man is worth that amount of pain.

Hello to everyone that has helped and advised me since my world fell apart,

I have nothing further to report really, H comes and goes as it pleases him, kids are a mess though I am trying so hard to be everything and more for them. My ds (9) is so easily upset and has gone very quiet and turned in on himself and my dd (4) forever draws pictures of daddy and asks when is he coming back to sleep at our house.

The Chinese Whore has not come over yet, I have no idea what is happening there but she was supposed to have been here by now.... they are probably still talking and transmitting lewd acts to each other on their web cams but I dont know, I have barely been to work. I applied for a job, got an interview, got into the last 2 then didnt get it, this really knocked my confidence/self esteem last friday, and h came round and even gave me a hug, rubbing and stroking my back.

He has asked me to wait for 2 years and then go ahead with the divorce, he doesnt want to be an adulterer! certainly cost wise this would be the better option.

Very frightened about the recession.... we have 2 mortgages, one on home and one on business premises, he has already started talking of not having money for the mortgage.

Im just so bloody miserable still, still love him, but getting used to him not being around. also getting used to him not touching/stroking hair/quick hugs while washing up etc etc, all the little things that said we were a couple. I still have huge break downs though, songs on the radio have me in a heap with huge body wracking tears and even certain smells that remind me of good times... Im sure the kids think im unstable. I have decided that I need help to manage. I have an appt with dr on monday (half term at mo here and dont want children to know that i need medication to help me get through the day) still not sleeping, which is why I am here now!

still cant sleep on his side of the bed, though ive been told i will eventually and will enjoy all the space!

My rl friends have been great, lost a few on the way but one has been amazing, she has started referring to herself as my stalker as she checks on me everyday, brings me flowers and treats for the kids. Ive also had super support from sparkleprincess who is also sadly going through the same scenario.

I cant yet get myself up the oomph to contact a solicitor, my other appt was cancelled as both h and i had been clients of theirs previously when we bought the business premises and i needed to get h's permission to use them! (i dont want him to know any of my plans, not that i have many!)

its not much of an update i know but I know that i need to start looking beyond my broken heart, depression has for a while even stopped me coming here, to keep reading all the stories of other families being ripped apart and unfaithful men makes me all the more upset, why dont these men realise what they are doing? Everyone one of my dreams for our future, my childrens future and everybodys happiness has been ripped apart, yet h acts like life is going on perfectly normal.

Big hugs to everyone whose dreams have been a little fragmented,

much love to all CGM x

Hello Cowsgomoo, it's good to hear from you, but I'm so sorry things aren't any better for you. In all honesty, they probably won't be for a while yet.

I can remember seeing my xh reaching for something, and me thinking I'd never have 'permission' or 'the right' to touch his hand again. I feel so heavy-hearted for you.

That's why I had to start hating my husband. I'm sure you all think I'm a bitter old hag, but I loved him so much, I really just wanted to die when I couldn't love him anymore. But we can't die can we, we have children and can't be so Romantically dramatic. 'Hate' meant I didn't have to want him anymore, but I was still allowed very strong feelings for him. Sad.

I'm not suggesting that you hate him. Not at all. It's not a good plan for the children. My reason for telling you this is that somehow, your brain will work out a way to deal with this. All the 'going over and over it' that your head does, is your brain's way of trying to find a coping mechanism. It's very early days for you yet, and I can imagine your pain. But the doctor can help, and you will feel a little better after that.
At least you will cope with the day to day things better,anyway.

I wish I could help you more.

CGM, I have been thinking about you lately and wondering how you are. Its a bastard about the job, your self esteem is rock bottom and this has kicked you down further, but, to have got to the final two is such an achievemnet. I am so proud of you for even having the courage to go to the interview, I am not sure I could of at that stage.
It is so hard when you love them and this happens, it eats you up inside, in some ways its easier not to ever see them again, I certainly would of moved as far away as possible to never have to see him again if it hadn't been that I was pregnant with my eldest. I think you need to do something, whether it is get all of his stuff packed up and get him to take it away, (storage - he has business premesis) or to get rid of loads of stuff. Its too early for you to make big plans, but you will have to have some goals for the future.
What you need to do, is write a list, of things which would make your life easier, what about selling the house and moving somewhere smaller, especially if you have two mortgages and school fees to consider.
I hate T the woman my partner left me for when I was pregnant, I would see her every day when I was waddling down the road, and when I would see her and him with her daughter in the car I paid for it would be like a rusty knife in the gut, to make matters worse, I was the one who had to move out, and then three weeks into my maternity leave the company I had worked for since I was 16 went bust. We did eventually (3.5 yrs later) get back together, and had ds, but we limp along for the sake of ds who is so utterly obsessed with his dad that it would crucify him if we split. Don't make the same mistake, he has to worship you again before you could even consider it. Love to you.

Dearest CGM, reading your last post made me so sad. Do not give up honey!! I'm glad you've found support in RL and are going to the docs. I hope you'll find the treatment which is right for you. Remember, it's not weakness but strength being able to ask for help and finding a temporary solution to patch things over. I wish I could offer more help to you. Have you put some money aside and written out a few cheques?

Do try not to think of the OW and her concerns. And as for your H I'd like to hold a mirror up in front o him, ask him to stare long and hard into it and have the decency and honesty to acknowledge that yes indeed, he is an adulterer*. So he's unhappy with being named one? And his little bitch being named? Well, darling, what goes around comes around! If I were you I'd hit them with the legal stick until they see some sense.

He's talking of not being able to afford the mortgage, etc. Well, we shall see once you actually get a solicitor to pour over your books and policies. Did you get all the docs together? Do you need a new solicitor? Are you in London? TBH, I think once you do land a job (and I'm sure you will, don't get downhearted sweets) you'll be able to plan your future step by step and cut loose of your 'dependence' of your H.

Please keep close to your friends, especially your 'stalker' seems an absolute star as does sparkle. I'm wishing you strength and luck!!! >Hugs

Oh CGM - I'm so glad that your here, I've been checking you daily just wondering how you are.

You sound sad, I really wish I could help you. Your pain will slowly, very slowly start to go away, not now but it will and you will feel better and happy again, I don't know when but I promise you it will happen.

Lots of love

CGM - glad to see you here today, I don't often post but have also been checking and concerned. I don't have anything very constructive to say, just thinking of you and your children at this awful time. Oh, and how pretty impressive going for a job is at this time.

Glad you came back. Amazing that you applied for job, got interview and down to the last 2. Go girl. All you can do is to keep doing things like that to keep your life going.
Don't beat yourself for still having feelings for him. I'm sure you will for quite a while. But make sure you value yourself more.
I have just had fraught time putting kids to bed, I cross, tired and shouting. DS aged 2, started sobbing I want Daddy. Daddy is on his second breakdown and hospitalised. I am trying to pretend all is normal. DD aged 5 keeps making cards and we go off to mail them 'abroad' where they think Daddy is working. I'm not sure what our future holds. But tomorrow I am going to try to be calmer and nicer to the kids because right now and probably for a long time to come, I'm the most solid and reliable person in their life. Our situations are so very different and yet we keep functioning, caring for kids and worrying for our futures. Stick with it and cuddle the kids a lot, That's helping me and mine enormously. I'm also telling more people than I did last time which is helping a lot. It makes it all seem more acceptable to me some how.