In Turmoil - my marriage is over

[CowsGoMoo]

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have been married for nearly 10 years (anniversary in Aug) We have an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.

He has recently been on a business trip to China and returned last Monday. He was away for 9 days and I missed him more than I could find bearable. Me and the LO's were so excited to pick him up and he was soo pleased to see them but barely exchanged a hi with me, got home for him to tell me that things have changed, he didn't miss me and feels he needs to work things out in his head as to whether we have a future. He said he has been unhappy for such a long time. I really didn't know he was.

We have tried to talk and sort things out since then but nothing I say seems to make it better, I have told him that I would like to try again but he doesn't seem to want that. He asked me this morning to pack him a bag and he is going to stay at his brothers.
I am devastated!

He is a great husband and father, he started his own company a few years back and does put a lot of work into it, the kids adore him and perhaps I haven't been as attentive as I could but cant understand why he says that he doesn't love me in the same way anymore and wants to leave me and our children broken.

I have been so weak and begged him to stay this morning, I feel so pathetic. Crying as I type this.

I really don't know what to do, cant eat or sleep while also trying to smile for the children.

Has anyone got any advice, Thank you

you have not failed. It is impossible to say what is going on in his head just now. I think you should give him and yourself some space. Tell him he can come to see the children once a week other than that, dont contact him. Firstly, because this gives him the space to sort his head out, secondly, it gives you some space to realise that this is not your fault. It will be the make or break i guess, but if you let go and he doesnt come back, he never was going to come back, but given space he may realise he has some issues and begin to sort them out. I feel so much for you i really do. FWIW when DP and i went through a bad patch he told me he had no feelings for me (i was being the shit though, but thats irrelevant here) and coudlnt even look at me. But that was two years ago and things are OK, they are not perfect, but i know that he loves me. Someties you have to back off when it is the least instinctive thing to do. I hope things work out for you, they will you know, one way or another, you will be OK

Surpise, thank you for your kind offer of a rl shoulder to cry on, unfortunatly im based in Sussex, so a bit of a trek to Norfolk!

TBH the days are ok, I am fully used to doing stuff with the kids (its half term here) on my own during working week, its just as it turns 6pm and the kids start staring at the front door waiting for h and I get anxious then. Its the evenings I am finding so difficult because he would be here, meal times (apart from last night) are sat at the breakfast bar rather than the dining table as can't be arsed to faff around. Then of course its bedtime, tonight done on my own, which obviously i am capable of but dd started crying, want daddy and refused to allow me to read her book to her, only daddy can read it, so she went to sleep crying and all upset, and ds just wanted a hug from him

and now, again Im sitting here all alone, talking to people on MN. I just cant imagine how to get over this huge loneliness barrier.

Lucyellensmum, I have had no contact today and have sent an email explaining that i wont be in work tom to sort out VAT return (which is due in 2 weeks!) to make sure we have plenty of space. Thank you for your advice and I am glad that you and your DP are still together after your bad patch.

Hugs to everyone and anyone who needs them,

Lonely CGM x

Oh I really feel for you - but will put money on an OW - the getting angry with you and blaming you is typical....be strong for your DC don't let him manipulate you and keep you hanging on, feeling like you did something wrong - you didn't he did

please go to relate yourself. it will help you a great deal

also join a gym or go to a class if you can.

please stop having unprotected sex with him. the last thing you need now is to get pg

If it were me i wouldn't have sex with him at all but I know that's easier said than done when you are feeling desparate to get him back

have you had any legal advice? Do you have joint bank accounts etc. i knwo you want to believe that he woudl never do anything to hurt you and the children...but a month ago you woudl never have thought that he woudl leave

please get some advice on what you shoudl do about money etc. and don't discuss this with him

however pathetic and helpless you feel ( you are not) you must also act smart to protect your children's interests.this is not about accepting that your marriage is over. if he coems back tomorrow and everything is fine, he need never know

I felt for you all the way through this post, Cowsgomoo. I think there is an ow to be honest. They don't usually leave without one. Especially all the vitriol and blaming you -that is so typically a sign of immense guilt. Best form of defence is attack, and all that crap.

In the same position, I simply shut xh out. That was all I could do. I really couldn't tolerate all the hope that he would build up, only to smash it down, time after time. It took two months of him messing me about, and then I decided that instead of loving him, I had to hate him or go mad. I'm sure this doesn't sound at all helpful,but it was a choice, iyswim. The only one available and I took it and took control.
I'm not suggesting you do the same, but I do hope you find way of getting back a little bit of the control. Knowing you just have to sit there and take it all (when you don't deserve it) is the most humiliating and enraging feeling I have ever experienced and I feel so sorry that you are experiencing it all now.

I've been following this thread but not posting because I didn't know what to say.

But his assertion that it is somehow selfish of you to want to know exactly where you stand is bizarre.

I think notwithstanding the (completely understandable) crying and howling, you're already emerging from this with a lot more dignity than him.

Was his trip to Shanghai? It's a very young hip party city; lots of glamorous 20-somethings in designer clothes and loads of makeup drinking cocktails at art gallery openings. If that's what he thinks single life is like he's got a very rude shock coming his way!

Good luck, and a big internet squeeze for you.

Well the f*ing tosser hasn't come home tonight to see kids even though he promised them . DD made her daddy chocolate cornflake cakes today and was so excited to give him his special big daddy one, this afternoon, but he has done a no show. both of them are in bed now, so another night on my own and my children are upset

I HATE him for this, i feel like throwing everything of his into a black bin liner and throwing it out on to the street,

he has not even rung, out of sight, out of mind.

new me coming out now, especially as he has directly hurt my children now.

I read your opening post, then the last couple and I feel sure there's another woman in there somewhere.

So sorry you are going through this cows. I dont have any advice to give, just a big hug and try to keep smiling. xx

I can imagine that the bin liner is looking very tempting, CowsGoMoo.

It's bad enough to be horrible to you but to let down the children is unforgiveable - poor little things.

Getting angry sounds like a positive step, frankly. Keep talking - I hope it helps.

rang him, he is in a bar somewhere Could hear lots of male and FEMALE voices

it really is all over isn't it? time to wake up and smell the coffee

If only i could keep angry all the time I would cope, but now yet again Im crying, 14 years I gave my heart to this man. can;t even tyope anymore can't see the bloody keyboard.

whats the next step, solicitor?

Dont rush into seeing a solicitor just yet cows, its early days. Let things settle down a bit. You never know he just might realise what he is throwing away. If he doesnt you can see a solicitor when your sure its over.

Umm, it sounds like he's off doing the "single man" thing. Did you tell him the children were disappointed and crying? God, he must have a heart of stone if that doesn't move him.

As BKBK says, don't do anything rash. But do check your financial situation to be on the safe side.

So sorry to hear you are crying - this must be so tough.

He need to start doing his share of the child care
He is not single

CGM sorry it's not getting any better. He sounds like he's really going through a second childhood. god men can be so bloody irresponsible. No wonder it's us women that have the children. I think if you can go and talk to someone it would probably help you lots. It must be horrible to be in your position, but you are the good guy in all this. And you will get through it, with the children. I get so defensive and angry when my ex lets DD down that I want to kill him. Maybe getting angry at him for his messing the kids around will be just what you need to do. Thinking about you and sending hugs xx

Hello Cows, sorry to hear what you have been going through this week. Sounds to me like its time your DH was made to take some responsibility for the situation he has created.

He has said some awful things to you this week and he has no right or reason to say such things. He says he doesn't love you and doesn't want to live with you and the kids. Well I may be naive in saying this but, whether he wants kids or not, they are 50% his and he should be responsible for them 50% of the time. Can you not say to him, "right youv'e been very clear about what you want, we now need to tell the children - for their sake we need to do this together. Then we will discuss what days of the week you will be having them to stay with you" - he needs to realise that when he has sole responsibilty for the children then 3 trips to the DOJO paintballing etc ain't gonna happen.You need to stop waiting for him to make the moves and start making a few of your own.

...thats sole responsiblity for a few nights per week obviously.

Have just caught up with this thread and feel so sad for you. Sounds very similar to a situation involving a friend of mine - now divorced, I'm afraid.

Agree with uptomyeyes - he needs to start realising what the practical consequences of his actions will be.

And - if you can - you need to start acting strong whenever you deal with him, even if you don't feel that way. Be cool. Be professional. Be the grown-up.

And for God's sake, STOP blaming yourself. You have done nothing wrong.

Good morning Cows Go Moo and can I just add that although you feel awful, you are doing well. Also, by the time he decides that the grass is not green at all on the other side wherever that is, it could be too late. Do you know who he was with in this bar? Is that another complete surprise or did he often go for a drink? Don't let him think you are waiting for him to decide when he has had enough of his new lifestyle, decide for him. It will make you feel less of a doormat. Firstly, I would want to know what gives him the right to let his children down in the way he has by not visiting them when he has arranged to. There is no excuse. How many more times will he let them down. He has no right to do this. He cannot play games with their lives and minds like he has done with yours in the last few days. Although they are young, the children will soon realise that by not turning up is solely his decision. What a manipulator. I would arrange with him to collect his things at a specific time saying that you agree that you both have to move on. Men do have an 'out of sight out of mind' way of thinking. as you have discovered over the past few days. I know it is difficult and early days but while the school holidays are on, I would make the routine different for the children and arrange their day differently and not be at home at 6pm for when Daddy usually comes home. Visit the library, park or anywhere and don't let him arrive at the house when he just 'needs to'. All times have to be pre-arranged with you and this will help you also to steel yourself and be a bit braver for his arrival and not catch you unaware at a weaker moment. I feel for you and you are going to feel so many different emotions but can you ever trust him again after it is you that has to listen to your children sobbing while he props up a bar. Also, to say those cruel things to you, how dare he.

CowsGoMoo, how are things this morning?

please get some advice about what you should do with money. my friend spent weeks sobbing down the phone to friends and hoping she could make things work if she was just patient and understanding of his mid life crisis

meanwhile he emptied their joint accounts, including their savings account and run up loads of debts on their joint store cards. he stopped all the standing orders for the house and utilities

i think there are other things you shoudl do, like photocopying important documents and leaving the copies elsewhere ie with friends/ family, not in the house. Things like his pay slips, insurance policies, bank accounts in his name, pensions.

Do you have the children's passports?

Do you knwo where you stand legally about the house?

I know very little about the legal stuff and and you need to find out from soemone who does. Its not about accepting its over - its too early for that. Its about your children.
do NOT discuss any of this with your DH. Its not about manipulating him or trying to make him see the error of his ways.

Excellent post KristinaM because it seems that CowsGoMoo knows nothing about what her husband has in his plans and unfortunately, doesn't know him as well as she thought she did. Even if it is not in her nature, she is going to have to be as crafty as he is and keep ahead of him because although she may not think he would do such things, she never thought he could even go this far.