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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In Turmoil - my marriage is over

299 replies

CowsGoMoo · 07/04/2008 10:48

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have been married for nearly 10 years (anniversary in Aug) We have an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.

He has recently been on a business trip to China and returned last Monday. He was away for 9 days and I missed him more than I could find bearable. Me and the LO's were so excited to pick him up and he was soo pleased to see them but barely exchanged a hi with me, got home for him to tell me that things have changed, he didn't miss me and feels he needs to work things out in his head as to whether we have a future. He said he has been unhappy for such a long time. I really didn't know he was.

We have tried to talk and sort things out since then but nothing I say seems to make it better, I have told him that I would like to try again but he doesn't seem to want that. He asked me this morning to pack him a bag and he is going to stay at his brothers.
I am devastated!

He is a great husband and father, he started his own company a few years back and does put a lot of work into it, the kids adore him and perhaps I haven't been as attentive as I could but cant understand why he says that he doesn't love me in the same way anymore and wants to leave me and our children broken.

I have been so weak and begged him to stay this morning, I feel so pathetic. Crying as I type this.

I really don't know what to do, cant eat or sleep while also trying to smile for the children.

Has anyone got any advice, Thank you

OP posts:
luvbug · 01/05/2008 17:24

My goodness me...I have just read the entire thread and I'm really sorry that he has put you through all this..you really do deserve better.

It's lovely to see everyone being so supportive...I don't have any advice to give, but one thing I do know is that in time things will get better...

Best wishes K x

colacubes · 01/05/2008 17:42

StayingZen, there is no racist tone on here, I have used the word Chinese, I also used the word tart, to describe the ow, if she was french, she would be a french tart, it is not a racist term to use somebodies nationality as a description of that person, I am english,but not a tart, I am an english non tart!!.

Although I would add that my step mother is Chinese, my mother is Irish as are the rest of my crazy family, my best friend is jamaican/english, so definetley no racism here.

Alexa808 · 02/05/2008 04:02

StayingZen, I find your remark a bit strong, TBH. As CC said, the classification of race isn't used as an insult, but a mere statement of the fact plus her country of origin. If we all were Chinese, then we'd be bashing a fat gwailo now. You've missed the point.

Alexa808 · 02/05/2008 04:04

I just loooove stereotypes...........

Anyhoo: CGM, how are you feeling today? You have one big to do on your list today: call a solicitor!

Power hug.

Nooneshome · 02/05/2008 10:24

Unfortunately nothing you do will bring your man to his senses. He is in selfish and cruel bastard mode now. Being cruel generally helps them to deal with their guilt as woman retaliates and then they can think they are right to do what they are doing as she is awful/crazy cow kind of thing.

Only advice I can give to you is that you need to go into self preservation mode for sake of you and children you need to be the sensible one. If you have been active supporting him in building up a successful business or married to him while he has done so he has reason to fear financially. See a solicitor and go armed with financial information. They won't really be interested in the who did what/he said this kind of thing. Just cut to the chase of assets, when bought, who paid, what you have done in business etc. You will get more value for your money if you stick to the point. ie money, assets and children and procedures.

I don't know what to advise re kids. Just try and keep them happy and in some kind of routine. You probably need to think how to broach the subject with them soon. Appeal to your husband's love for them, in helping them to cope. You need an agreement as to when he sees them and what hes says etc. Let's hope he is considerate at least towards them a little bit.

Re You. You are the key person in the rest of your life. Try to imagine what that will be like - positively. Make some plans and goals, short term and long term and draw up a plan of how to achieve them. You need to have some focus so you dwell on yourself and not him. I would generally advise that exercise is excellent. It will help you feel better in your body and most importantly in your head.

As others have said things do improve and get better. But it can take a lot of time and there is so much sh+t to deal with along the way. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your children. Keep strong and active

colacubes · 02/05/2008 13:53

CGM, how you doing today? Everything ok?

Was thinking about you last night, I know you must be very scared for the future, the the old saying is true "That that doesnt kill you, makes you stronger" You will come out of this stronger, and have the chance now to have a funfilled life, full of love and laughs and trust, its all out there waiting for you.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 02/05/2008 14:25

hi cgm hope the bithday went ok also thinking about you

stay strong x

QueenMeabhOfConnaught · 02/05/2008 14:36

CGM - hope you are okay today.

Original poster
CowsGoMoo · 02/05/2008 17:27

Hi all, so not good today Had to go to work with him today as have lots of bits to tie up there. All was ok then went to his desk to retrieve an invoice that needed paying and up flashed on his computer an msn message from her, I wont be excercising in front of you tonight as Im tired xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

her msn tag picture is of red lips kissing. Im afraid i blew my top in the middle of the office. He has said that he is going to stop seeing the children, told me he never wanted them anyway. She does things in front of a camera while she is half a world away in Beijing and he watches. OMG! he just keeps going on about how i never gave him sex and he needed that closeness etc etc.

Have applied for another job, well have phoned for application pack and left him info on how to complete invoices and do paper trail.

Can't beleive what has been going on, and for how long has she been excersising in front of camera for him??

Oh and as to being racist, I can assure you I am not, my sons best friend is chinese! just it makes me feel better to say it like that, in fact if she had been French, Spanish even English I would probably still have whole thing in sentance to make me feel better at spitting the whole lot out.

sorry for rambling

OP posts:
QueenMeabhOfConnaught · 02/05/2008 17:33

CGM, he is being so horrible about the children - how can he think that he can just throw them aside? Well, he will still have to pay for them!

So he didn't want children but he is with a woman who has a baby? He needs to make his flippin' mind up!

God she sounds such a slapper - performing for him on the internet for anyone to see! Classy or what?

He needed sex and closeness so much he has taken up with a woman thousands of miles away? He is just making this up as he goes along.

So sorry you are having to suffer like this, CGM, but at least you now know what a lying, selfish sleazeball he really is.

OLIVIASMAMA · 02/05/2008 17:40

"Stop seeing the children - never wanted them anyway".....self centred WANKER!

I think get a divorce as quickly as possible, I don't mean rush it through, go through the process with an excellent solicitor, take what is rightfully yours and make that clean break from him.

Keep going, yhour doing well CGM and everyone is rooting for you.

OLIVIASMAMA · 02/05/2008 17:41

"Stop seeing the children - never wanted them anyway".....self centred WANKER!

I think get a divorce as quickly as possible, I don't mean rush it through, go through the process with an excellent solicitor, take what is rightfully yours and make that clean break from him.

Keep going, your doing well CGM and everyone is rooting for you.

OLIVIASMAMA · 02/05/2008 17:42

oops, slightly eager there!

colacubes · 02/05/2008 17:51

CGM, he's a tosser, sex, oh that old chestnut, majority of men are hard wired to use that as the default complaint if they sleep with someone else, ignore that comment, you could have shagged him everyday and he still would have done the same, its about ego, not sex, ignore him.

AS for kids, a terrible thing to say, but he wont go through with it, he just wanted to divert the heat from his philandering to something you would be more passionate about!! The children,what a pillock, seems you're dealing with a little boy. Best thing to do with little boys is ignore them, prick.

Did you get some legal advice yet, please take the time to have a good look around and go see someone who can help you. They know it all, and have seen it all before, they deal with nasty peices of work everyday and will know how to handle him. He could have left that little tit bit of info on his computer poorly to get at you, dont let it, sad little fuckers, its pathetic.

Big big hug to you, ring your mum, friends anyone you can talk to endlessly. xx

soapbox · 02/05/2008 17:53

CGM - Are you sure that her baby is not his?

It just all seems so unlikely that it isn't IYSWIM.

waffletrees · 02/05/2008 18:35

That is completely unforgivable what your DH said. The fact is he is feeling guilty about this but wants you to carry the pain instead of him. Selfish, immature wanker.

We know we keep getting on at you but have you seen a lawyer yet? He claims he did not want kids (lying BTW) but he will be paying for them.

Stay strong. x

Original poster
CowsGoMoo · 02/05/2008 19:41

Soapbox, the baby is def not his, but he seems willing to take it and her on.

I have an appt next Friday to see solicitor. Can't believe they couldn't fit me in earlier. I told h that I would divorce him on grounds of his affair and that she would be named on the divorce papers, he was aghast and said just to make another name up so that she isnt listed WTF?.

SHE will be listed as the wanton whore that she is.

He has texted me to ask what time the kids are going to bed so he can say goodnight. He should know what time they go to bed! and as for speaking to them, if he rings them they will speak to him but Im not going to ring him.

he has 15mins before they go to bed, he knows that, he hasnt rung....

OP posts:
jabuti · 02/05/2008 19:49

i cant believe he had the balls to ask you not to list her... what a joke. good for you though, well informed and know what to do next.

pity he is not attending to his children, its his loss.

stay strong cgm!

anothermum92 · 02/05/2008 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
CowsGoMoo · 02/05/2008 21:53

He has just left.....

he came to say goodnight to the kids and put them to bed, obv feels guilty about what he said to me earlier. I know how much the kids mean to him, he has always been a fantastic father even if he is a total c word now.

He has asked me to come back to work etc as he doesnt know how to do invoicing etc.

Felt quite enpowered when i gave him the few clothes here that i have washed over the past days etc, none of it was ironed and he looked confused. He has no idea how to iron anything so he will either look very crumpled or will take it all to mummy.

He is taking ds to karate tom am and I am taking dd to ballet then he is taking ds to the cinema tom night as part of his birthday treat. DD and i will have a girls night consisting of watching Barbie Mariposa! Then on sunday he is going to his mum and dads for a birthday lunch (ds birthday is really dragging on!!! - bit like his birth) with both children and it will be the first time I am fully alone, I have and haven't been invited if you get my meaning, I dont want to go and keep smiling at people who seem glad to see the back of me.

going to sew on my ds badges that he got recently for karate onto his gi and enjoy my G&T

hugs to anyone else who needs them and thanks everyone on here who is helping/advising/encouraging me while h puts me through hell.

CGM xxxx

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 02/05/2008 22:02

CGM don't want to upset you but think you should be prepared for the eventuality that the baby is his somethings just not ringing true in my head,he doesn't want to see his own children (possibly said in the heat of the moment), but happy to take on another mans month old child,

Stay focused and at the wait for the solictors they better be worth it!!

Hope you have a good support network in RL coming out to help X

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 02/05/2008 22:06

x posted -well done CGM, you're being a bloody strong woman for your children, I don't think I would be able to look at the tosser much less arrange a schedule- but you are doing it FOR YOUR DC's, you are a star and don't forget that!

anothermum92 · 02/05/2008 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Elephantsbreath · 02/05/2008 23:34

Hi Cows Well what a true shitbag he showed himself to be! You are doing wonderfully. Good for you.

Think Noonesathome advice spot on.

Hope you feel happy with your solicitor's advice to you on Friday. Go with your heart, get the right one to deal with and get the absolute best that you can for you and your dc's.

Don't worry too much about making a perfect handover regarding invoices etc. You should concentrate on YOU now and good luck with your job apps.

They are utter fools. She is a desperate woman and how dare she really. They are so doomed.

Everything will get better and better for you. You have dignity and integrity and as such so much more than these total idiots; h and his dumb cow.

littlewoman · 03/05/2008 00:35

I can't believe the women who support everybody on here and OW's even belong to the same species. Please let there be a God, or karma, or something, that makes this crap world just a little more just.

How's them voodoo dolls working, by the by?

CGM, my MIL did the same thing. Invited OW into her house for a games night the same week he left us. I cut all ties with her. Besides her loyalty to you, what about her loyalty to her grandchildren? Now you know where you dh gets such morals from.

I'm so sad foryou, but it all gets so shit before it begins to get better. Don't do his invoicing by the way. And if you do, charge him the bloody earth.