In Turmoil - my marriage is over

[CowsGoMoo]

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have been married for nearly 10 years (anniversary in Aug) We have an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.

He has recently been on a business trip to China and returned last Monday. He was away for 9 days and I missed him more than I could find bearable. Me and the LO's were so excited to pick him up and he was soo pleased to see them but barely exchanged a hi with me, got home for him to tell me that things have changed, he didn't miss me and feels he needs to work things out in his head as to whether we have a future. He said he has been unhappy for such a long time. I really didn't know he was.

We have tried to talk and sort things out since then but nothing I say seems to make it better, I have told him that I would like to try again but he doesn't seem to want that. He asked me this morning to pack him a bag and he is going to stay at his brothers.
I am devastated!

He is a great husband and father, he started his own company a few years back and does put a lot of work into it, the kids adore him and perhaps I haven't been as attentive as I could but cant understand why he says that he doesn't love me in the same way anymore and wants to leave me and our children broken.

I have been so weak and begged him to stay this morning, I feel so pathetic. Crying as I type this.

I really don't know what to do, cant eat or sleep while also trying to smile for the children.

Has anyone got any advice, Thank you

CGM....

I have lived this nightmare 4 years ago. I was also married for 14 years with 2 dc's It is like a pattern of behaviour that they go through. I did the nice meal, the enticing for sex etc etc, I begged, pleaded, cried and nothing worked . I wrote a letter, it meant nothing. My ds cried and wanted his dad he promised to come and see him, but just didnt come. This all went on for about a month. It was a living HELL. Finally I got to the bottom of it he had been seeing someone else who was younger and had no responsibilities.

He said he hadnt loved me for a long time just like yours, criticised me said i was selfish and the way he looked at me was with pure hatred.

I was like a zombie for about 6 weeks, couldnt eat sleep went on antidepressants etc.

I think you need to consider wether he may be seeing someone else as painful as it may be, because his behaviour patterns are so similar. If this is the case he will not see anything beyond it he will be selfish and blinkered to what he is doing, and the more you go on about it the more he will justify his actions. The reason he goes on about you and your apparent faults is to stop himself being consumed by guilt. My dh told me it was his way of coping.

One day about 6 weeks after he had gone i said to myself ENOUGH and I slowly but surely got stronger. Ten months later he was begging to come home.

All I am trying to say is men don't usually just leave out of the blue unless they think they have something better to go to. You really need to find out what is going on.

Hugs xx

Hi anothermum,

We did finally get back together but we were apart 18 months altogether. It has been a rocky ride. I have read your story and am following the thread i can sympathise. Like you he just would not talk to me, completely shut me out of his life and they were living together after 2 weeks after he left me!

When it happened it was like it wasnt him if you see what i mean. He now refers to those times as when he lost the plot or when aliens took over his brain. He is utterly ashamed and feels lucky to get a 2nd chance. However he is abit insecure as feels i may be unfaithful to him one day.

It changed me ,I am a stronger woman for it and will not take any CRAP. I was very dependant on my h before he went and that made it harder.

If you would like to talk or need help on how to get through the bad times please cat me, and you too cowsgomoo.

Hi everyone and thanks one and all for your great advice, still not following it all though as head still being at least half ruled by my bloody heart!

however I feel very proud of myself, Took DC's to Port Lympne wild animal park yesterday, all on my own! never driven that far for a day out on my own before, was petrified I'd get lost but I did it, and H was upset that he missed a day trip to the zoo, ha ha ha!!!

got a little bit sniffly over lunch when sitting at the restaurant there, everybody else seemed to be a happy 2.4 kids family with doting mummy and daddy but quickly overcame that when we went off to the elephants!

have told my brother on Sunday night and he came over and emotionally looked after me till midnight and he has been great since, unfortunatly I have been unable to tell my mum and dad so my brother offered to do it for me, he is telling them after work today

as for h, well who knows what is going through his head. he cannot rinse our business accounts of any money as it requires us both as signatories so finance wise, I'm ok. He has said the house is mine, he has just paid the road tax on line for my car and given me the money for the school fees so thats all ok for the moment. I am good during the days, its the long (christ I never realised how long evenings are) evenings alone that are slowly killing me. I have visited my GP today and he has prescribed me some happy pills to take the edge off of everything. My ds wanted to know how i was ill, when i told him i wasn't he wanted a detailed explanation of why the dr gave his mummy pills

thinking of stopping the pill as well, what is the point when I have no one to have sex with anyway? right veering off in to pity again now. can't believe that at 33, I am now going to be a single mum

winner I have no idea how to cat? someone?

Wish I could say something that would make you feel better CGM. xx

Glad to hear you had quite a nice day with the children, CGM.

You're only 33! You are still YOUNG and there will be good times ahead for you.

CowsGoMoo remember that all these are milestones for you and they will get easier. Are you sure that everybody you saw were the happy 2.4 families? Have another look when you are out - they are not. Yes, the evenings are lonely. Get yourself a little treat for every evening - I don't mean a bottle of wine every night! You deserve it - a new bubble bath, some nail varnish, a face masque, a magazine. It will get better and well done for the zoo trip. See! Another achievement.

I very, very much agree that being nice, pleading, begging, emotional guilt tripping about how much he's hurt you or the children, will not work cowsgomoo, NONE OF IT. Please, for you own sake, don't do it. You will feel humiliated, hurt at his non-response to your pain, and you really don't need any more negative feelings about yourself at the moment.

What would you advise a friend, if she had been treated like this? You would not advise her to grovel and play nice, would you? Harness your anger, be your own best friend, and treat him as he deserves to be treated. Time he learned that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. (Trying to trigger your indignation. It is more empowering than sadness )

CowsGoMoo how are you today? Thinking of you.

Hi everyone, well my brother told my parents on Tues night and we have had one big talk about it and have left it at that, they know that at the moment I am feeling very raw and will talk when i feel ready.

I do feel a big sense of relief now my mum and dad know, will finally let all my rl friends know too soon.

H and I have not spoken further about what he wants to do but I am now getting angry and yesterday and today I am severely peed off by h. He says he no longer loves me and hasn't for 5 years, yet he has moved out so he can think whether he wants to come back.

Well I'm not so sure I want him back now, If he doesn't love me than why bother coming back?

He came round tonight, had a bath and buggered off, I am still doing his washing and have fed him every night this week except tonight!

I do still love him, stupid mare that I am, but seem now to be getting stronger and not so desperate! I'm sure it will be different at the weekend as that was proper 'family' time but we will see.
Hugs to all that need them (())

CGM xx

Am I the only one who thinks you should stop doing his washing, cooking for him, etc.?

You don't need to be rude about it, just be honest: "You've told me you don't love me. Do you think I'm not human? Do you think I'm some dog you can kick and I'll come back and lick your face? I'm hurt and I want nothing to do with you."

Then go to your room when he comes to visit the kids. Or better yet, leave altogether. Who says it's your job to take care of them once he's home? He's their father, he can just figure it out. Allow him to see what being a single dad will look like.

Yes, you'll get stuck washing up after him when he feeds himself and leaves his dishes but please, please leave his dirty laundry in a pile.

I don't know of anyone on these boards that succeeded in getting back together with their men by allowing themselves to be walked on. You have to respect yourself to get respect.

Anyway, that's my two cents and I really hope it's not too harsh.

CGM, good on you for spending the day at the zoo and picking yourself up. You sound a lot better. >Hugs<

Please stop looking after H, go about your business and leave food in the fridge if you have leftovers but let him find his own way around. He has emotionally abandoned you.

Please see the bank re the situation and speak to them about freezing accounts if they see any untoward activities! My friend's xh wrote 500 pound cash cheques out to himself which he cashed bit by bit and she only saw it after the money was gone.

Take care of yourself!

hello CGM I haven't posted before

but I just wanted to echo the people who said stop washing/ cooking for him. And what is he doing coming round and having a bath?

He is a single man, he reckons. Single men don't get their washing done. They don't get cooked for and cleaned after. They sort themselves out. He is calling all the shots here.

Tell him you need to work out a plan for the short term so that the kids don't get messed around. Tell him when he can visit and then, as DivaSkyChick says, leave. Go to the local with your book, or round to a friend's, or for a walk or something. Make it obvious you are going to go do something. Go out with your make-up and perfume on. Don't tell him where you are going. It is time he got the idea that you can have a separate life too.

I think next weekend it is his turn to take the kids. You have been looking after them alone now, what, ten days? Not to mention the 9-day China trip.

If he has nowhere to take them - I don't know where he is staying - then make an arrangement to go somewhere else - a friend, your mother's, your brother's. Tell him he comes home after work on Friday night and you will be back late Sunday.

It's time for you to take a bit of control, and you know that you can.

well thats it, marriage is over, divorce has been mentioned, he is never coming back, there is no one else, he just doesn't love me anymore.

I am going between such anger/hate for him and feeling so weak depressed and wishing to end it all.

I have no idea what divorce costs and how it happens etc etc but he has told me to go and get a fucking job (sorry for swearing - his words) I have been a sahm as we had always intended me to be and I was going to look for a job as our dd starts full time school in Sept.

he has told me he loathes me, hates me and all our marriage problems have been caused by me. He has said in no uncertain terms that he does not love and would never love me again even if we tried again. He said he would never utter those 3 words ever again.

I said I woudln't feed him. wash for him and he told me he would stop paying bills if i did that, he has me over a barrel.

I really do feel as though i have hit rock bottom.

What a complete and utter twat.

I have absolutely no advice to give but I have been watching this thread since you started it and cannot believe your husband is being such an odious little prick. I am sure people who can really help you will be posting asap, but I am pretty sure he can't just stop providing for your and your DC's.

I will be sending him a telekinetic arse-kicking this evening.

Best of luck, keep your pecker up, wishing for all types of wonderful things come your way.

sweetie, please see a solicitor about the money issue. he can't just stop supporting you and his children just like turning off a tap. you and he will have to agree a financial split - and the biggest consideration will be given to the needs of the children. so - stop the domestic services, see a solicitor and try, try, try to stay as calm as you can in the face of his anger. agree that you will also need to agree contact time.

please make an appointment with a solicitor and family mediation on monday!

good luck and stay strong.

i am very sorry you are going through this

you are not responsible for all his problems!

Listen to Bossy - she may be bossy but she is good bossy IYKWIM

You really must start to get sorted out for a different future from the one you hoped and planned for - seeing a solicitor is the first step to making that at least a financially more secure future!

It hurts like hell - but you will get through this - you really will

Family Mediation

Find a solicitor specialising in Family Law

yes i am good bossy - LOL

i have been known to say, "look, just listen to me, do what i say and everything will be fine."

just as well as i always right then isn't it?

Dear CGM so obviously he is putting you through hell because of the guilt he feels. Although September is a few months away, had you discussed what work you would do and whether it would be term time work with school hours or whether it would be a job where you would share child care for child sickness, school holidays and inset days because these days along add up to one school week? Had he planned to share this or was it all to lie at your door? He can't have it both ways, can he, especially now?

I'm really sorry about the latest bombshell. I know it is hard but don't let him bully you and let him sort out his own laundry and he must check with you if it is convenient with you for him to call round to see the children. He is obliged to pay for his family. The CAB give excellent advice or you could be entitled to a free session with a family lawyer.

He is being cruel and he knows it. Especially as he now has kicked you even more while you are down, now CGM is the time to get up again and fight your corner. You I presume, have made his life quite easy up until now and quite comfortable. Get some good advice and go by the book and he will soon know that you are made of tougher stuff. He should be ashamed of himself.

CGM, I was so shocked when I read your last message. It must be hard to accept that the person you thought you knew has turned out to be such a selfish, hard-hearted bully.

God almighty - he said he wouldn't give you any money unless you did domestic stuff for him? Does he think he owns you? That you are some sort of slave? Does he think he doesn't have to provide for his children? They are using the electricity and water and eating the food too. Does he plan on letting his children go hungry?

What a complete tosser he is!! He sounds riddled with guilt - how hideous to have to listen to his insults and lies!! Was he not in the house all these years when decisions were made about whether or not you worked and whether or not you would have children?

I am bloody furious on your behalf.

Get angry, get strong, get legal advice now.

CGM have just read most of this thread and i'm sorry for you and I have to say a lot of things your dh is doing have been very similar to what my dh did to me, to cut it short we argued he left I had the I don't love you anymore etc and the shouting down the phone (i shouted to btw) and it came out he had been unhappy for a while and I was oblivious to it. I agree with what other posters are saying he is feeling GUILT which is why he is getting angry with you and the best thing you can do is not to respond to it.

Stop letting him come back for baths don't do his washing or feed him and as hard as this sounds you need to show him that you are moving on with your life and your childrens, make every effort to look your best for you tho and make plans to do things, don't wait round for his calls or anything, let him see his dc but make a point of keeping out of the way if its at your place. I'm giving advice which some of it i did follow and other bits i didn't.

Dh and I are now making a go of our marriage and we are doing relate and things have been going well, I still suffer from insecurities and probably will for a while, I wanted to post because I was in your position and there are many on here who are too, you are not alone and I can't say that everything will work out and he'll come back but I never thought my dh would turn round and say lets make this work (who knows it might not) but take a step and revaluate things, when you are in a better state emotionally and believe me you will be things will become clearer and you will be surprised how much stronger you will have become and maybe at that time you won't want him back

Either way take care of yourself and your dc to you all