Fallen in love with my married friend of 40 years. WWYD?

[Lifelongfriend]

I'm sixty, I met 'A' also sixty at university, when we were both 19, he was a friend of my boyfriend's. There was instant chemistry between us and we 'fooled around' but I couldn't bring myself to leave my boyfriend. All out mutual friend knew about it. One friend recently sent me an old photo of the two of them having tug of war with me as the rope.

We remained good friends, and eventually both married other people. We live in different countries but I see him every couple of years. Our families often holidayed together, and our spouses tolerated our mild flirting.

He has always treated me with, love kindness, respect, thoughtfulness, loyalty and extreme generosity. I don't think we've ever had a cross word, yet I could never understand what he saw in me.

For example; my daughter was born prematurely just before his wedding so I couldn't attend. He sent me five massive bouquets of flowers, and it's only with hindsight that I realise that he must have ordered them for me on his wedding day or early in his honeymoon. (They arrived every day for five consecutive days.)

When I got divorced a few years ago he lent me a very substantial sum of money to buy a house. I offered to pay him interested on the loan but he wouldn't hear if it.

Since the divorce I've been in therapy and it's taken years to realise that growing up with a violent alcoholic father left me with very low self esteem which I masked with high achievement.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD, ADHD, depression and anxiety but am also very high functioning and have had a successful career from which I am now winding down.

'A' has been married for over thirty years, and is very proud of remaining faithful. But in the last couple of years he has confided in me that his marriage is in trouble and they are in counselling.

He also recently told me that for the entire four years we were at uni he never dated anyone and I was the only woman he kissed. I told him our first kiss was the best kiss of my life, he replied 'mine too'.

At a university reunion dinner a few months ago we passed the spot where we first kissed and he kissed me again. I would never have initiated it, but once it happened, the emotional floodgates opened.

In the weeks that followed, I told him that I love him. I think he loves me too but he says he is confused, and doesn't want to hurt anyone but he needs time.

So I backed off, but he keeps messaging asking how I am, always starting his messages with, 'my darling'. I asked what he wants but he doesn't seem to know.

A couple of people in our friendship circle have died recently and seeing the old crowd at funerals just makes me want to seize the day.

I don't want to ruin his marriage but I also don't want to miss out on the possibility of happiness with someone who I belatedly realise is the love of my life.

Should I back off, or go for it? WWYD?

How old you said you are? 16?
Really? Come on, give your head a shake!

He. Is. Married.
His poor wife trying to work on their marriage with him in therapy whilst he’s kissing you… The disloyalty and disregard he shows the woman who’s been with him for 30+ years would be deeply unattractive to me.
So no, you shouldn’t “pursue him”.

You aren't Abelard and Heloise, cruelly separated by forces you couldn't control. There is no reason you couldn't have got together when young. You didn't want to leave your boyfriend at 19 ( your choice) and both "eventually married other people". Again, choice.

He has not behaved well towards his wife and sending another woman flowers from your honeymoon isn't romantic, it's crap behaviour. You're old enough to know this. You're also old enough to know that you should pull right back, go completely no contact and let him work through his marriage issues without you lurking in the background.

You can have a happy life ahead, but not this way.

Well she mentioned her premature daughter in her first post so I’d venture a guess that yeah she does.

OP I'm a similar age and have been involved in a situation a bit like this in the past. A man I knew and loved years ago came back into my life. All I can say is that it's best to leave well alone. And in my case I didn't know his wife. You're in the situation where this woman thinks you are a friend.

I can see how tempting it is but it's best left in the past. Too many people will be hurt and it's not worth the pain you will cause and the possible damage to your own self esteem and self worth. Back away and try and maintain the friendship from a distance.

Thank you, I appreciate this.

OP, this isn’t a decent man. The flowers are so creepy. He made your daughter’s birth about himself essentially.

OP you seem to have extremely low self esteem as others have said. I would work on this and forget about him. I don’t get all of this ‘having to grow a backbone’ to do this either. You live in a different country. Just distance yourself. You’re living a ridiculous fantasy.

The flowers thing leaves me a bit cold too.

OP, it's hard to be faced with situations like this. Please put some distance & if he asks again, say you're taking some space to figure out your life & he should do the same.

Join some local clubs & distract yourself by finding new connections & passing the time with other pursuits. Try not to think of him too much. If it's meant to be, it will be much easier if he has his marriage well & truly ended before you go down this road any further.

Op I’m aware you probably feel as though you’ve had a bollocking on this thread, but I think you’ve let this scenario take on a prettier aspect in your mind than it really has.

You sound an intelligent type and it’s frustrating for people to think of you sitting round furnishing a castle in the air. The reality is it’s either essentially a fantasy dalliance or, if actioned, a fairly sordid betrayal of his wife. I personally don’t think he wants to pursue anything; he’s happy enough to present to you as something far more wonderful than he really is which he can manage by only dipping in and out of your reality with a curated image of himself. If you stand back and look in the hard light of day, he’s acted terribly. Maybe try ( no need to post) drafting a post written from the point of view of his wife, assuming she knows the facts. Then read it and see how much of a Prince Charming he sounds. He’s not being fair or respectful to either of you. He’s taking from the situations the bits he wants. The bit from yours is an ego stroke. The really sustaining and important parts of his life he is getting from his marriage. Don’t be his ego stroker: live your life constructively.

What a reassuring thread. OP has a dilemma - one many of us understand. She asks for an outside view, advice maybe, an impartial perspective. People offer advice, their experiences, their take on it. OP thinks about it and I hope, (it seems), makes a better decision because of it.

We tend to live in echo chambers and posts can be knee-jerk, virtue signalling or aggressive - which help no-one. This one appears to have helped , (whilst making me reflect my own choices because like many of us I have a "road not taken").

So many threads don't go that way - and this did.

Wow you’ve both behaved appallingly for 40 years. You cheating on your boyfriend and being disloyal to your husband
him kissing his friends gf and cheating on his wife
you kissing the husband of one of your friends who you know well enough to holiday with.
that’s besides all the flirting. If you wanted to shag you shouldve just shagged, all this inappropriate behaviour is inexcusable. You both could have distanced yourselves at any point, I’m not surprised either of you have ended up in struggling marriages when this is how you treat your partners

even if he left his wife of 30 years, the mother of his children for you, you know he couldn’t be faithful to her, how could he be to you.
i think you both liked who you were at uni, that’s a fun carefree time, and flirting with each other makes you feel young and happy and remember that time. That wouldn’t be a real relationship though. Imagine the real relationship as you work through counselling and low self esteem, he works through his divorce, children try to come to terms with the two of you together, exes presume you were both cheating the whole time, the relationship could not possibly live up to the 40 year old dream. It’s understandable that’s what you want, especially after a difficult divorce, but you have to step back. Hope this thread has helped you see that!

I think this man sounds like he enjoys you being an ego boost while his marriage is troubled.
Basically, he wants to have his cake and eat it.

I do feel sorry for his wife.
Sending you flowers on his wedding day is appalling. So disrespectful to his wife but then he’s probably got kicks out of it ! Two women at his beck and call ! Cheating in plain sight.
What a horrible man !

I’d just block him OP. If he wanted you he’d have chased after you years ago.
He says he’s “ confused”. He’s not, he’s just leading you on.

Go on some dates and forget about him.
If he wants you he’ll chase after you once he’s divorced and gone through a period of recovery but don’t hold your breath.

This is a very balanced post. Please re-read it OP.
I have been in a situation similar in parts to yours. It is difficult when it isn’t really real to imagine and hope for an alternative life.

OP you seem to have extremely low self esteem as others have said

In some ways.

In others the op comes across as egotistical and narcissistic. You get the impression she believed the only reason they didn't get together is that she didn't want to (until recently) and that she could have him if she wanted him. That his wife was second choice. That was reinforced by things like him giving her a sizeable amount of money when she needed it.

It seems, from this thread, she sees his wife as a bit-player/scenery/an irrelevance and she's the star of the show. Thus she's very confused that he hasn't jumped at the chance to be with her and leave his wife.

So confused that she's actually asking "should I go for it?" when she's already essentially gone for it, and had a non commital response from him.

What does "go for it" mean now? ..Keep asking him what his decision is? Arrange to meet him and see if he'll go beyond kissing?

The former would just be a type of nagging that makes one look less desirable, and the latter will just lead to him physically cheating (not that he hasn't already to some extent) and probably still not leaving his wife.

The op thinks she's worth it (to him) to leave his wife/break up his marriage... Because he gave her a big loan and has stayed in contact for years and calls her my darling (or wherever) ......
But it looks like she's perhaps overestimated her worth to him. There's no shortage of self esteem there, even if it is delusional.

Ditto, and it became an absolute shitshow in all the ways posters have described it will. If I could go back I would not have done it.

Taking a step back, the lack of integrity, the entitlement, the self absorption etc. in going on a public forum populated by mostly women, a large portion of whom are in marriages or ltrs with men ..... and asking for advice on whether to continue pursuing a married man ......

It's almost laughable.

I fully agree.

There are always past friends/lovers/men that women leave behind when young and then they decide to settle down with life partners and have children.

So many women who could have kept ex's dangling for ego boosts but we don't do it, we don't accept flowers, flirt on holidays, recieve messages calling us darlings, ask for loans, because we have empathy for others.

We could also hook up with ex's when marriages end but it's lazy, narcissistic and basically cruel to destroy others and their families.

I'm really sorry for this poor wife and the treatment she's been subjected to by both of you, terrible behaviour.

You waited this long... you can wait for him to exit his marriage with honour and decency before you entertain a romantic relationship, can't you?