Fallen in love with my married friend of 40 years. WWYD?

[Lifelongfriend]

I'm sixty, I met 'A' also sixty at university, when we were both 19, he was a friend of my boyfriend's. There was instant chemistry between us and we 'fooled around' but I couldn't bring myself to leave my boyfriend. All out mutual friend knew about it. One friend recently sent me an old photo of the two of them having tug of war with me as the rope.

We remained good friends, and eventually both married other people. We live in different countries but I see him every couple of years. Our families often holidayed together, and our spouses tolerated our mild flirting.

He has always treated me with, love kindness, respect, thoughtfulness, loyalty and extreme generosity. I don't think we've ever had a cross word, yet I could never understand what he saw in me.

For example; my daughter was born prematurely just before his wedding so I couldn't attend. He sent me five massive bouquets of flowers, and it's only with hindsight that I realise that he must have ordered them for me on his wedding day or early in his honeymoon. (They arrived every day for five consecutive days.)

When I got divorced a few years ago he lent me a very substantial sum of money to buy a house. I offered to pay him interested on the loan but he wouldn't hear if it.

Since the divorce I've been in therapy and it's taken years to realise that growing up with a violent alcoholic father left me with very low self esteem which I masked with high achievement.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD, ADHD, depression and anxiety but am also very high functioning and have had a successful career from which I am now winding down.

'A' has been married for over thirty years, and is very proud of remaining faithful. But in the last couple of years he has confided in me that his marriage is in trouble and they are in counselling.

He also recently told me that for the entire four years we were at uni he never dated anyone and I was the only woman he kissed. I told him our first kiss was the best kiss of my life, he replied 'mine too'.

At a university reunion dinner a few months ago we passed the spot where we first kissed and he kissed me again. I would never have initiated it, but once it happened, the emotional floodgates opened.

In the weeks that followed, I told him that I love him. I think he loves me too but he says he is confused, and doesn't want to hurt anyone but he needs time.

So I backed off, but he keeps messaging asking how I am, always starting his messages with, 'my darling'. I asked what he wants but he doesn't seem to know.

A couple of people in our friendship circle have died recently and seeing the old crowd at funerals just makes me want to seize the day.

I don't want to ruin his marriage but I also don't want to miss out on the possibility of happiness with someone who I belatedly realise is the love of my life.

Should I back off, or go for it? WWYD?

In fairness OP you posted essentially saying you’re in love and want to “go for it” with a married man.

Put aside the mitigation of “we’ve always loved each other” and face the fact that he has a wife who has given 30 years of her life to him. They might not be happy, that is irrelevant, she still deserves respect as a fellow human being.

If he leaves his marriage then you may well end up seeing your days out together but he has to do that of his own accord. The fact he has now backed off is telling, perhaps he enjoyed the attention and the feeling of a back up plan but now it is a potential reality and not just an indulgent fantasy, he may be having a big realisation of what it means to leave his life of 30+ years and start again.

Back away, you’ve made your feelings clear. If he leaves his marriage, you can see what happens. Either way continue on with therapy and don’t count on him for your future happiness. You can / will be happy alone or with someone else

Despite all of these message, 12% of people are still saying you should go for it, which is odd.

OP agree I think you need to find your own peace of mind first. This guy is a distraction.

He's also predatory - he's specifically targeted you and won you over with a few love bombing gestures.

Unfortunately as much as you think it's a genuine "one thats got away"/university sweetheart connection, he's probably chatting with lots of women alongside his wife and buttering them up too.

This type ends up with a younger woman if they leave their wife (especially if he's rich). They have a whole harem of Plan B women.

I'd phase him out if you live in different countries. Start building up new networks. They may not be a glamorous as this guy but will bring you more peace.

It sounds like maybe you're not happy with yourself or happy being alone- you've recognised there are some things you'd like to work on.

The good news...you have recognised this and can begin healing now.

You want to get to the stage where you can be sitting there, alone, without overachieving or overfunctioning or having a great career or a great love affair and just think "I am enough".

You deserve that.

If he’s in marriage counselling, I think you represent excitement and freedom and something new.

And you are divorced, (possibly wondering if you’ll love again?) and vulnerable.

If he truly felt something he would have made tentative enquiries when you were newly divorced.

I think your issue is that you are both vulnerable, and you need to look at why you are feeling that. Are you stagnating elsewhere? Do you need a new project? New job? Learn a language? If you broaden your horizons I think you will feel stronger and will see this for what it probably is, an old flirtation by two people that cling onto ‘old times’.

For your own sake, help yourself via counselling, self-help books, broaden your interests and minimise contact with him for at least a year.

If he is serious, he always has the option to divorce his wife. But you have to put yourself first.

This is very good advice.
It's the same for you both. I suspect he enjoys the ego boost of knowing you still have a spark together.
The honourable thing here would be for you to cut contact as you are both drifting into dangerous territory.
If you want a relationship that's honest and authentic he needs to work out his situation with his wife and either sort it out or end it. Without you dangling yourself as bait.
If he makes that choice then would be the time to date him. But not before.

So he doesn’t want the money back? What a surprise.

I would leave it now and focus on other areas of your life. Also - give that money back somehow because there is clearly a power imbalance going on and the money is part of this. Sorry, but he’s manipulating you. It’s a tale as old as time.

I used to feel so angry at people who had affairs after my husband cheated. As I've got older i have decided that the people who have them aren't as automatically 'bad' as i painted them out to be. There are often hidden and complicated reasons that lead them to behave like that. The trouble is, none of those reasons change the wrongness of the action. Your backstory, the romance swirled with tragedy... it's all sounds very compelling but it doesn't change the wrongness of him blowing up his marriage to be with you. Also remember much of the wonderful dreaminess of this is a) the gaps that you fill in with your imagination about what he's thinking and feeling, what you'd be like togther etc and b) nostalgia (which is also very compelling all by itself).

Feels like I haven't so much asked for advice as kicked a hornets nest.

You're talking about starting an affair with a married man. What did you expect?

Op, he knows how you feel. You don't need to say any more, or pursue him.

Every day that he is with his wife, he is actively choosing her and not you. Every night that he sleeps in her bed, he is actively choosing her and not you.

That's not to say that he won't pluck up the courage to leave. But for now, he is choosing her.

Remember, actions speak louder than words.

He is a grown man, who could walk away from his wife at any time. Lord knows, millions of us have done just that.

You have no option other than to wait it out. But cut out the flirty messages in the meantime. If his wife sees them, you will be the villain of the piece, and probably be very unpopular among friends.

Has he even hinted that he might leave his wife for you? Or could he just be wanting a fling?

What did your DH make of the 5 bouquets arriving? Mine would have hit the roof, quite frankly.

And how horrible for the ops husband, stressed and worried about a premature baby, and some smug twat is sending your equally smug wife huge bunches of flowers on 5 consecutive days? How did you explain that @Lifelongfriend- as earlier, how grim.

I will say it kindly, because you probably are feeling very low and deflated right now. But he’s had forty years to declare his actual love for you and try and make a move (married or not). And he hasn’t. You aren’t a consolation prize now his marriage is hitting a rough spot. If he wanted you, truly, he would have divorced his wife decades ago.

Don’t ever be someone’s second option, OP. He’s probably loved having you as a ‘back up’ for all these years but no-one deserves to be that.

It's really obvious you've always thought you could have him if you wanted him.

Yet you've divorced, he stayed married and didn't leave.

Now you've pretty much asked him to leave for you, and he's given you a non commitsl, need time, evasive response. Even you say he doesn't know what he wants ....that includes not knowing if he wants to be with you enough to leave his marriage.

I think you've possibly let your ego and some "romantic" notions (involving disrespecting your respective spouses & marriages) run away with you.

Well what did you expect Op? This man’s behaviour is appalling. Imagine if you were the wife on the receiving end of such behaviour? Your partner sending an “Old flame” flowers every day for five days on your honeymoon. Then kissing her decades later at a reunion. And btw you really don’t know how many women he’s involved himself with over the years. He can lie to his wife so why do you think he couldn’t lie to you?

Look the fact he isn’t even able to state what he wants say it all. If he wants this to go somewhere you wouldn’t even need to ask him. He would be separating immediately and looking to divorce. It’s clear he wants to have his cake and to eat it. And in fact if his marriage is that bad why isn’t he making plans to leave irrespective of how things with you?

And to answer your question - the very idea of pursuing a married man is gross and embarrassing. So no, definitely don’t that.

'Love' is easy when it's mostly a fantasy and a few stolen kisses. The reality is the every day domestic slog. If he is having issues in his marriage and working on them, then that's what he should be doing. Sounds like he has just played and flirted with you - otherwise he wouid make the break and make a move - he knows you're up for it.

Leave him alone and maybe expand your social world a bit. Maybe there is someone currently unattached out there for you.

The problem is that he has fantasized about you for so long the reality can't possibly live up hence why he's gone cold now and is suddenly unsure when you declare your feelings.
I can understand why you got swept away in all of this but I would be stunned if you really pushed him that he would leave his wife for you. I had the same years ago, guy was madly in love with me apparently although I didn't know at the time- eventually something happened between us but it was like a switch flicked. It was like the fantasy was satiated and now he could move on. I didn't care but I suspect you will if he does the same.

Your partner sending an “Old flame” flowers every day for five days on your honeymoon. Then kissing her decades later at a reunion

The "substantial" loan for her to buy her home is arguably worse ..... That's their finances, he's married.

I thought we were a nest of vipers on here, but a hornet's nest is as good analogy as any here.

I don't really know what you think was going to happen when you posted - you seem to be trying to justify pursuing him; perhaps put yourself in the wife's shoes and think about it from her perspective. It's no wonder they are in therapy if he was sending you flowers on his honeymoon and has lent you enough money to complete a house purchase....you may not be the first woman that he's been 'generous and lovely' to. Do they have children? Do you?

I would be devastated if my husband treated me in this way after 30 years. And don't forget the grass isn't always greener....tread carefully - preferably in the opposite direction to a married man.

People often hit the wrong button and sometimes misunderstand how the buttons relate to the question., though I find understand the latter in this case.

You can't help who you fall in love with, but you can choose not to act on it.

Just step away, think of how wife

OP I’d hazard a guess his “marriage troubles” started around the same time as your divorce. I’d also hazard a guess his poor wife doesn’t know too much about said marriage troubles herself.

File this one under “possibly the one that got away” and move on with your life.

You've rewritten history because now at your big age it suits you. (I'd say that to any fully grown adult btw)
You've lived your entire life not being drawn to this old uni mate and now he's decided to cheat on his wife you've gone all loveheart eyes and are going back to events casting a romantic filter over them.

Avoid contact. He's been hinting at marital problems. If he springs into action and leaves his wife, after some time, revisit your dilemma. And not before.

I wonder if she knew about it? 🤔
The poor woman may have thought they were just helping out his platonic friend who had fallen on hard times - and look at the thanks she’s got for it. Yes, the husband is mainly to blame as he took the vows but OP is part of the betrayal as well.

I would never get involved with any married man, or even a man who is “separated” but betraying a friends wife like that is an additional layer of treachery IMO.

For instance I spent a weekend with my close friend and his wife a few years ago when I was feeling quite low. She was a lovely welcoming host alongside him despite being busy with two small kids.

My friend would never hit on me anyway thankfully, but aside from the fact I’d never be an affair partner - the idea of stabbing his wife in the back like that is awful.

Divorced/widowed/single women get a rough time sometimes with married women wrongly thinking they’re all lonely and desperate and out for their men. It’s sad to see instances when this narrative actually plays out - definitely not the case for all or most single women though.

OP, I’d have to wonder if his wife knows they’re having marital troubles. It might come as a shock to her. You’ve made your stance clear to him. Now if I were you, I’d keep my head high and carry on with my life.

Don’t settle for anything short of “fuck yes I 100% want to be with you”. Nobody deserves to be his backup: not you, not his wife, and not any of the other women he flirts with. Because there will be others. Honest faithful men don’t proclaim loudly how proud they are of being honest and faithful.

Did his new bride know about the flowers at the time OP?
If the money he lent you was ‘substantial’ did his wife know about that and have you repaid him?
If you all used to holiday together, I presume you were quite close to his wife. Don’t you feel bad for trying to get it on with her husband?
The whole saga reads like a bad novel

He doesn't need 'time', he needs his wife beside him and you stroking his ego. Tell him you're not interested in being his bit on the side. Block him and stop being his little ego boost.