Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

File for divorce, sell the house and give him his share.
You've forced him to sleep on the streets?!
How can you face your child?

You have absolutely no right to keep him out of his home. If he were abusive and violent, you might have grounds, but he's not. He needs to be let back into the home.

I'm actually quite shocked at how absolutely horrible you and your family are to have done this. He'd be an absolute fool to go back to a relationship with you.

Forget about getting back together for now.

i think for now you need to call him and tell him to come home. Although , if he's sleeping rough he probably won't ha ebany charge in his phone. You have no rights to put him out of the house. It's his home. He has a legal right to be there.

You can't expect him to sleep rough, be homeless and then be able to work, earn money and pay the bills. If he is homeless and rough sleeping he won't be able to wash or have clean clothes.

That's terrible, you kicked him out and made him homeless because your sister told you too. I hope he gets back on his feet and makes a fresh start, I know I wouldn't be trying to make amends with you if I were him. Issues aside that's horrible behaviour, you could have tried counselling, now he's homeless and you're what? Sad? Sounds like shit show.

You sound very easily led 🤷🏻‍♀️

Apologise to him, let him back into his own house and organise counselling. If he still wants to give you another chance of course.

Stop letting your sister live her life through yours.

I was trying to think of our child. I was sick of fighting in front of her. I was trying to think of her future. I know I did not talk enough about my problem but he did speak on his often. But he was always so down which made me miserable too.

i have no helped this situation I know. I want him back dearly but know my family wouldn’t approve.

I have ruined my marriage over a trivial thing truly?

He is charging his phone at his brothers as he has been in touch with local authorities so needed it. But his brother will not let him stay as they don’t talk either.

Of course you have, you've behaved appallingly. Why didn't you leave and go to your amazing family?
Do you also work? How old dd?

Can you contact him and say he can return home? Sleeping rough is not an acceptable solution.

Then once he is safe and housed perhaps you can attend marriage counselling and see if the marriage can be saved?

That would be my advice, based on what you've posted: 1) let him come home (unless he has somewhere else to go) 2) begin calm conversations on the future of your marriage, if that is still possible

I work as a PA. DD just turned 7.

I could contact him. He has tried to tell me
numerous times he loves me and would do anything even reached out to family but we all ignored him. He’s gone silent now.

i don’t believe my family would allow me to go back to him which worries me.

What kind of arguments have you been having, you mention in front of your DD?
I don't understand why you would put him on the street rather than him just sleep on the sofa?

Sorry Op, but what does it have to do with your family?
It’s your marriage. Your life. Not theirs.
I’m a bit baffled why they are so embroiled in your life.

So your "family" is more important that your actual family ie. DH and DD.

Do what YOU want not what they want.

But this is MN. A man who occasionally sees his parents is a Mummy's boy. A woman who lets her family make decisions even if they are illegal is allowed. Kicking a man out of his home is illegal. I hope he takes you to court.

Why do your family get a say put of interest? You're unhappy, live separately in the home and decide to either property work on your marriage or separate. But for your dds dad to be living rough is unacceptable.

Why won't your family let you go back to him? Is there more to this? If you want to work it out it's none of their business.

Will they be of any practical help? If you divorce then presumably you would have to sell your house and move somewhere smaller and cheaper. You probably won't be living the lifestyle that you have now. Will they let you move in with them while you get sorted? Help with moving? Child care? Money for rent deposit? Or do they think that you can kick your husband out and keep the house and he will carry on paying the bills? Because if that's what you're all thinking then I reckon you're all in for a shock.

Mostly petty. Spending too much money, not cleaning the dishes, putting things away after use. We of course argued about sex but never in front of DD. The worst things got was shouting. Never once violent though a few doors slammed. He could be quite cutting with his remarks when we had fights and at times insulting but I never backed down and in a way maybe wound him up.

Op just wondering but why didn't your hubby book a hotel or go to other family aside from his brother, surely he wouldn't agree to leaving and walking the streets.. and why after all these years are your family suddenly the ones calling the shots? You said he took his things. Does he drive? Did he go in his car?? How is he getting to work or does the health concern means he doesn't work anymore ?

You’re very callous, OP. What you do or don’t do is none of your family’s business. You’re an adult. You've let the father of your child, who has a legal right to be in the house, sleep rough on the streets? The man is ill and grieving. No wonder he’s down.

My family is complicated. My sister suffered sexual abuse with her partner and is afraid he would hurt me. My parents would simply refuse to ever speak to me again if I went against them as they tried before. They help us a lot with DD and would make in very difficult. If I tried again with DH and it failed I would have nobody.

i was scared.

You cannot let your parents and family bully you into ending your marriage and forcing your husband to sleep rough on the streets. How can you do that to the father of your child? What's she going to think of you when she grows up to find out what you've done to him?

I'm not saying your marriage is worth saving, but honestly, it really does sound just like normal life pressures getting you both down. You could work through it, with support.

He has no other family and his relationship with his brother is complicated. They do not get on at all and that has been for 20+ years.

I don’t know why he didn’t book a hotel. Money maybe? It wouldn’t be cheap.

He worked from home. I don’t know what he has done about this as his things are here. He did drive but we only had one car.

It may well be best for all concerned to split up and start afresh but it might also be possible to save your marriage but you'll never know if you don't discuss your issues like adults. It takes a real low in a relationship to kick your partner out to sleep on the street, you clearly have little empathy for the man.
You need to tell your family to keep out and speak to your husband.