Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

Didn't take long for you to change your tune. Abusers never truly regret their actions nor take responsibility for them and here you are minimising the horrific things you did to him again. If you can't understand what you did was wrong and if you won't take responsibility for it no one can help you. I hoped these posts wouldn't come, but I knew they would. You are an abuser and I just hope your daughter and husband can get safely away from you.

The OP is flaky but I’m not sure she is bullied by her family. I suspect she is seriously manipulative. She came oh here saying her husband was horrible and shouts at her. I suspect she expected everyone to tell her she was doing the right thing and to get rid of the husband.

I bet she’s been telling her family for years how awful her husband is and how unhappy he makes her.

She's not bullied, she.chose this, she planned to destroy him and nothing's changed. He might be back but if he is it'll just be the next step in his abuse. I think its more likely he's still on the streets. OP wasn't getting the positive attention she wanted for her actions and figured she'd get better attention pretending she'd realised the error of her ways and changed and now she's trying to pretend she's innocent and hard done by in this. DARVO deny, attack, reverse order victim and perpetrator she's done it all or tried to. Abusers dont change.

I think I’ve burnt my bridge with him taking me back and I am very aware of this fact. It hurts but less so than the pain I caused him.

more info talking this morning.

My actions have caused him great pain. He had been in touch with a solicitor already who had advised him to apply for an occupation order to keep me out of the home as I have several places to live and he does not but also because it made more sense with our DD. Also due to me asking him to leave and knowing he would be homeless and his medical situation meant he had grounds for abuse as you mentioned. There are several other factors he mentioned to.

i have not had a letter as yet as this was discussed Friday.

he is debating telling me to go and taking this court order out but tells me he loves me and doesn’t want to cause me harm despite not thinking the marriage would survive. He does not know what to do.

it will likely make many if you happy to hear I started this with the house and my DD and everything and I may end rid with nothing but living with my own parents.

i know many will hate me. and you should. I have been heartless.

but I am now scared too. just as he was.

but I am trying to right my mistakes.

You have a fundamental misunderstanding of marital assets and how they’re split. Neither of you will end up with nothing. A judge is not going to order that one party keeps everything and the other nothing. The starting point is always 50:50, and then there could be some adjustments made based on things like one partner being a significantly higher earner etc. The aim is that at the end, both parties are able to house themselves adequately and in a similar fashion. You may need to live with your parents temporarily if neither of you can house themselves in any other way while the divorce and finances are finalised. But you’re not going to end up with nothing.

He had been in touch with a solicitor already who had advised him to apply for an occupation order to keep me out of the home as I have several places to live

You had other properties to go to but you still let him sleep rough without his meds?! Christ almighty, OP, what the hell were you thinking? You do realise you could lose your daughter because of your actions? Your DH could rightly argue that he does not trust you to not abuse your DD in a similar manner if she rows with you.

Not to mention the fact you lied repeatedly in this thread saying you couldn't give up the house because you'd never manage financially. Now can you see why posters think you are cold-hearted and callous?

Sounds like hes found his fight. Please keep us posted op, cant wait to see how this all pans out (hopefully in his favour!!!)🍿

It’s not been a good day if that’s what you mean. For either of us.

@Youdontevengohere thank you, it's mangling my head a bit with all this talk about one or the other taking the whole house! It's a joint asset.

There isn't any need for histrionics OP, just calmly get the paperwork done to split up.

What will be will be.... people make mistakes. It's how you deal with them that will make a difference. Don't expect forgiveness but actions will always speak louder than words. Time is also a healer and if there is love and enough of it things might just work out for you both. Good luck.

right now I’m trying to do what I can for him and to minimise the hurt I’ve caused my DD.

i know I shouldn’t expect forgiveness. But I am sorry. I listened to the wrong people and not the most important ones - him and me.

I’ve just read all your posts and to have any chance of repairing your marriage, you need to prioritise DH over your family.

They aren’t nice people and have too much control over you. Those aren’t healthy relationships. in a healthy relationship, a parent will offer advice but give you the space to weigh up options and make a decision.

I'm guessing one of us has to break and ask how things are going @CarterOL

Given that we spoke privately I feel it's ok Ito and for an update.