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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Split with DH recently. Help!

763 replies

CarterOL · 04/06/2024 15:37

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

OP posts:
weathervane1 · 04/06/2024 18:50

It's hard to read this post. It doesn't seem real. My parents behaved the same to my wife right up to when my daughter was born in 1991. At this point I got a court injunction against them. It was an easy decision - they weren't glad that I was happy with my wife and wanted to be controlling. They lost. Never looked back since.

So, OP: the facts appear to be that you love your husband and want him back. The fact that he's left is almost irrelevant since I believe that your family were just waiting for something to happen so that they could poison you against him. Sadly you've fallen for it because you are weak. This is just one step on a toxic journey. Once they have you where they want you, you'll never hear the end of it.

What should you do? Put your husband who you profess to love first. Create a little family of your own to be proud of. Anyone whose values don't align with yours and your DHs should basically understand that they are not welcome in your life.

Stop repeating the same mantra about not wanting to upset your family - they appear to have no issue upsetting you.

Grow a backbone and grow up.

therealcookiemonster · 04/06/2024 18:50

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 04/06/2024 18:48

Not sure its narcissism but I do wonder about EUPD, I'm wondering how much of the ops behaviour is to force her dh to prove his love, that would tally with her comments about him not fighting to come home and would explain the seeking approval of the family. I'm wondering now if he has the measure of the family and that scares them that they'll lose control of the op.

Show quote history

ofc. obviously can't make an assessment based on mumsnet posts. you make valid point re eupd - also extremely difficult to treat

think OP's husband would be much better off divorced and OP as well as she needs the time to address her own issues

therealcookiemonster · 04/06/2024 18:52

weathervane1 · 04/06/2024 18:50

It's hard to read this post. It doesn't seem real. My parents behaved the same to my wife right up to when my daughter was born in 1991. At this point I got a court injunction against them. It was an easy decision - they weren't glad that I was happy with my wife and wanted to be controlling. They lost. Never looked back since.

So, OP: the facts appear to be that you love your husband and want him back. The fact that he's left is almost irrelevant since I believe that your family were just waiting for something to happen so that they could poison you against him. Sadly you've fallen for it because you are weak. This is just one step on a toxic journey. Once they have you where they want you, you'll never hear the end of it.

What should you do? Put your husband who you profess to love first. Create a little family of your own to be proud of. Anyone whose values don't align with yours and your DHs should basically understand that they are not welcome in your life.

Stop repeating the same mantra about not wanting to upset your family - they appear to have no issue upsetting you.

Grow a backbone and grow up.

any human being who remotely cares about another human being would not let them sleep rough for 2wks + and ignore their pleas for help. the husband kept begging to come back.

OP is not capable of love or in the very least does not love/care for her husband

therealcookiemonster · 04/06/2024 18:55

CarterOL · 04/06/2024 16:59

Why is nobody concerned about me in any of this! My friends think I’m right my sister my parents! We both shouted at each other and had issues. Nobody seems to understand how hard it was
for me. If he was that bad he could have got a hotel for two weeks I don’t know.

i love him. He loves me. I don’t think I can ever go back as family won’t let me and it’s scaring me.

because you have roof over your head and you are completely safe!

while this other person is God knows where, by himself, sleeping rough and in a very poor state because YOU threw him out with no consideration for his safety and well being knowing he is unwell and battling depression.

if anything happens to him, it will be on YOUR head. if he loses his job, it will be because of YOU.

you do not love him, you only seem to care about what your family thinks.

stop whinging and take some responsibility for your actions

Original poster
CarterOL · 04/06/2024 19:33

I’m sorry but I’ve been talking to my parents and they don’t agree with any of this. They will pay for legal advice for me to keep him out of the house. I still have his possessions yes, he is welcome to them when he wants them. I still have his clothes, his shoes, his house keys, his possessions.

But he can’t come back to the house… they won’t allow it. And given how things are, I won’t allow it now either, it wouldn’t be right.

I may have told him to leave, yes. But… he is the one that decided to go. It’s not my fault.

i shouldn’t have posted this.

OP posts:
user1984778379202 · 04/06/2024 19:38

CarterOL · 04/06/2024 19:33

I’m sorry but I’ve been talking to my parents and they don’t agree with any of this. They will pay for legal advice for me to keep him out of the house. I still have his possessions yes, he is welcome to them when he wants them. I still have his clothes, his shoes, his house keys, his possessions.

But he can’t come back to the house… they won’t allow it. And given how things are, I won’t allow it now either, it wouldn’t be right.

I may have told him to leave, yes. But… he is the one that decided to go. It’s not my fault.

i shouldn’t have posted this.

It's not their choice though!! Your awful parents can pay for all the legal advice in the world but it will still come down to the same thing: the house is half his and he is entitled to half its worth. Are they prepared to buy out his share? Because that's what they'll have to do to stop him having a claim on it.

He could also call the police to say your parents are denying him access to his own home. They wouldn't have a leg to stand on, it's none of their business.

BeRealOrca · 04/06/2024 19:40

CarterOL · 04/06/2024 19:33

I’m sorry but I’ve been talking to my parents and they don’t agree with any of this. They will pay for legal advice for me to keep him out of the house. I still have his possessions yes, he is welcome to them when he wants them. I still have his clothes, his shoes, his house keys, his possessions.

But he can’t come back to the house… they won’t allow it. And given how things are, I won’t allow it now either, it wouldn’t be right.

I may have told him to leave, yes. But… he is the one that decided to go. It’s not my fault.

i shouldn’t have posted this.

You sound like a child. "My parents wouldn't let him back".

News flash for you, there is no "legal advice" that will keep him out of the house.

"He chose to leave even though I told him too.." and you've revealed you gaslight him too.

If you were a man you'd have all of MN come down on you like a ton of bricks. And have all the names under the sun thrown at you too.

You're regretting posting this because deep down you're ashamed, and rightly so.

Itsonlymashadow · 04/06/2024 19:43

CarterOL · 04/06/2024 19:33

I’m sorry but I’ve been talking to my parents and they don’t agree with any of this. They will pay for legal advice for me to keep him out of the house. I still have his possessions yes, he is welcome to them when he wants them. I still have his clothes, his shoes, his house keys, his possessions.

But he can’t come back to the house… they won’t allow it. And given how things are, I won’t allow it now either, it wouldn’t be right.

I may have told him to leave, yes. But… he is the one that decided to go. It’s not my fault.

i shouldn’t have posted this.

It's not their call.

He is legally allowed to come and go as he pleases if he chooses. It's his home.

You don't get to allow it. But try because it will likely give him extra evidence in the divorce of your abuse. Which might entitle him to financial aid.

Neither you or your parents get to decide what's legal

You told him to go but it's his fault for leaving? Given how you like to escalate things I can imagine where it would have finished.

Do you ever take responsibility for your own actions?

CannotWaitToBeFree · 04/06/2024 19:44

Sorry love but the house is in both names. Hes still liable for the mortgage repayment. Hes not been able to work for 11 days because your family have kicked him out and your slightly upset hes been living on the street. Do you know how fucking terrifying it is to live on the street? You have no idea. I hope he gets his half of the home and you get your come uppance. Unbelievable. Oh i dont want to upset mummy and daddy! Im old enough to be married, have a mortgage and a child but oooh lets not upset the parents! What about your poor child??? Sorry kiddo, dads living on the street tonight. Wow look at yourself

HollyKnight · 04/06/2024 19:45

If he turned up at the house tomorrow, there is nothing legally you can do to stop him from entering. Until you divorce and get a financial settlement, the house is as much his as it is yours. If he is homeless as a result of this separation, the courts will not allow you to keep the house to yourself. They will not allow him to be made homeless.

Squigglewigglediggle · 04/06/2024 19:45

You've had a near unanimous response here OP, I'm not at all surprised your parents have talked you round though, you didn't seem particularly moved by anyone pointing out how unfair this is. I really do feel so sad for your husband and hope he manages to find some support soon.

DoreenonTill8 · 04/06/2024 19:46

I wonder when the drip feeds coming!
"Oh but actually he... so have called the police"
It's the dd I feel for in this toxic mess!

weathervane1 · 04/06/2024 19:50

It's not hard to see that the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree. Of course her parents don't agree with what we're all saying - if they did, they'd have to admit to being total cunts. OP - please tell them that as well. I can't recall ever feeling so ashamed of another human being. Can you even hear yourself?

therealcookiemonster · 04/06/2024 19:51

I am actually really concerned about OP's stbxh. sounds like he was barely holding it together even before he was kicked out. really hope he is safe and OK.

therealcookiemonster · 04/06/2024 19:52

DoreenonTill8 · 04/06/2024 19:46

I wonder when the drip feeds coming!
"Oh but actually he... so have called the police"
It's the dd I feel for in this toxic mess!

I don't think there is a drip feed in this case

HollyKnight · 04/06/2024 19:52

Don't forget, your parents and friends are your parents and friends. Naturally, they are biased. People here have no investment in either side and more importantly, the courts will not take sides either. Their goal will be to put you both on a similar footing. That means they will want you both to be able to house yourselves and your child. Hence why you will not be allowed to keep the house if he is homeless. And also why you are not allowed to prevent someone from entering their own home.

BeRealOrca · 04/06/2024 19:59

Genuinely, when was the last time that you heard from your H or his wellbeing? Talking from experience, homelessness and depression is a horrible cocktail that is difficult to come back from.

VJBR · 04/06/2024 20:01

I hope he takes you and your awful family for every penny he can.

ChangeAgain2 · 04/06/2024 20:01

I hope you are in the UK. I hope he fights you for every penny he's entitled to and gets 50:50 contact with the child. I imagine you and your family will go to great length to alienate him. I also hope you and your family are very happy together. They are bullies and I don't think the apple has fallen far from the tree.

CannotWaitToBeFree · 04/06/2024 20:04

ChangeAgain2 · 04/06/2024 20:01

I hope you are in the UK. I hope he fights you for every penny he's entitled to and gets 50:50 contact with the child. I imagine you and your family will go to great length to alienate him. I also hope you and your family are very happy together. They are bullies and I don't think the apple has fallen far from the tree.

Edited

I hope he gets his life back on track with 50/50 of the house and gets full custody of the child tbh! This op is deluded

Original poster
CarterOL · 04/06/2024 20:07

At this stage I don’t know why nobody can see I am a victim here as well!! I’m shocked at these responses. He shouted at me, he argued with me!

Circumstances were rough for both of us twos. But we both argued. No body seems to give a shit about that? He was a twat to me too you know?

OP posts:
Youdontevengohere · 04/06/2024 20:09

CarterOL · 04/06/2024 20:07

At this stage I don’t know why nobody can see I am a victim here as well!! I’m shocked at these responses. He shouted at me, he argued with me!

Circumstances were rough for both of us twos. But we both argued. No body seems to give a shit about that? He was a twat to me too you know?

He didn’t make you live on the streets though. Not that I think this thread is real.

user1984778379202 · 04/06/2024 20:11

Not a single poster has said that you are solely to blame for the arguments. But your DH is the one with the chronic illness who you threw out onto the streets and you are now plotting with your parents to deny him access to his own home. That is why people don't see you as the victim.

And you're shocked at the responses because it's very rare that a MN thread unites unanimously in favour of the man. Maybe that should tell you how unreasonable you're being?

Squigglewigglediggle · 04/06/2024 20:13

This has to be a wind up now.

Stating he has legal rights to his home and shouldn't be forced to sleep rough isn't saying he's a saint, OP. Yes, him shouting back at you is wrong and not an indicator of a healthy relationship but it doesn't mean you get everything and he gets nothing if you split.

BeRealOrca · 04/06/2024 20:14

CarterOL · 04/06/2024 20:07

At this stage I don’t know why nobody can see I am a victim here as well!! I’m shocked at these responses. He shouted at me, he argued with me!

Circumstances were rough for both of us twos. But we both argued. No body seems to give a shit about that? He was a twat to me too you know?

We don't know as you haven't given many details.

You've admitted your husband has no support network. And you are being controlled by your family and you're projecting there negative opinions onto him. You can only push someone so far until that person bites back and shouts and argues. If he didn't already feel alone before this, I bet he does now. It doesn't sound like he's got anyone to turn to for a second opinion or support. I genuinely feel sorry for him.