Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

I bet sleeping rough with chronic illness is pretty scary too.

I appreciate it's a difficult situation OP but you cannot just kick him out of his home and ghost him. Sure arguing in front of your DD isn't great and if your marriage has run it's course splitting maybe the best option but this situation isn't beneficial to your DD either. It's potentially an incredibly dangerous situation for your DH to be in considering he is unwell, grieving and sleeping rough. Just because he hasn't acted on anything yet, he has to be in a pretty dark place.

I don't think your callous. Its important to protect your child from bad arguments and you put them first. He is a grown man hr should be able to take care of himself. I wonder why did he not get a hotel or stay with a friend or a night shelter. People in this thread are reacting as if youve thrown a child out. And your family are obviously worried about you for a reason.

Wow what on earth have I read. If anything you are the abuser not him. He’s going through a rough time so ofcourse he’s low. You should have been supporting him getting therapy and help not bickering. Your condition won’t have helped you either and I hope you’re getting the help you need. Both of you are as bad as each other and yet you’ve made him out to your family to be the bad guy. Your family sound disgusting Aswell. What do you want more a happy family with your husband and child or your petty family.

She's thrown out a man with a chronic illness to sleep rough. That's pretty callous in most people's book.

Im slightly gobsmacked you have let the man you are married to sleep rough on the streets for 11 nights.....

Your marriage is over. I hope he moves on from you, for his own sake.

He wasn’t innocent! He shouted at me too, he made me feel low and miserable!

I know I didn’t talk to him enough… but if he comes wanting half the home… I can’t continue with DD and would need to look at selling. And if he stayed here I couldn’t make it work he shouldn’t be here!

I can’t get over the fact you (or your family) are comfortable with your DH sleeping rough. That’s shocking. You need to come up with an arrangement over his housing whether it is subsiding a rental or living separately in the same house until you sell the house/one of you buys the other out. This can’t carry on especially if he has no facility to work . Ultimately this is your DDs father imagine what she will think of you/go through if anything happens to him due to being homeless, you can’t risk it

That’s not how it works. You are married, he’s entitled to half regardless of your wishes.

Why is nobody concerned about me in any of this! My friends think I’m right my sister my parents! We both shouted at each other and had issues. Nobody seems to understand how hard it was
for me. If he was that bad he could have got a hotel for two weeks I don’t know.

i love him. He loves me. I don’t think I can ever go back as family won’t let me and it’s scaring me.

Why don't you go and sleep on the street tonight. It's your husbands house as much as it is yours. Why don't you go and sleep in the dog shit,on the pavement, and let your husband spend a night in his own bed for a change. Fair's fair

Why should anyone be concerned for you @CarterOL? How are you a victim? You're housed and have a scarily over involved family.
Did you expect platitudes and head pats on here?

Hes not bothered to ask to come back since the start why should he have anything. If he was that bothered he would be at my door every day.

I went away over the weekend and not one message or letter at the house from him. Nothing!!

He wasn’t innocent in this. He shouted at me just as much!

I don't understand a grown woman saying relatives 'won't let' you do something. Makes zero sense, it's just not possible.
Why don't you get out of your husband's house? That would resolve many issues.

Op you don't sound old enough to be married and a mother.

Like it or not he gets half the house.

You and your family sound bizarrely intertwined.

You kicked out your ill DH and are blaming him for being homeless. Blaming him for not trying enough to get in the house?

This post is horrifying. Imagine if a man did this!

You are throwing out some red flags yourself there @CarterOL ( or rather your references to your family are raising them).
Why didn't you just sit down and talk with him. Why did you need to throw him out like that? You could have had the conversation about ending your relationship like a grown up would.
I'm sorry for your sister's troubles but she is not helping your situation by winding you up like that, your family sounds toxic.
You need to sit down with him and organise your finances together to see if you can afford a bed sit or similar, at least. Unless you have a spare room for him - in which case, why can't he move into that while you sort this mess out.
The whole 'why isn't he at my door every day' is childish in the extreme - you need to stop listening to people who feed off the drama and start behaving like an adult. That is by far the best thing you can do for your daughter. Her dad sleeping rough with no one to turn to is a shocking thing to inflict on her. If he'd been violent or abusive, I'd understand your lack of humanity but, judging by what you've said at least, I cannot understand why you'd behave like this.

This!! You’ve behaved absolutely appallingly. End your marriage if you are unhappy by all means but behave with a bit of human decency.

This relationship sounds really unhealthy and clearly your family think so.

You say that you love DH but how could you allow him to sleep rough with a health condition if you love him? It's really dangerous.

I think you need to split up in as civilised and respectful way as you can manage for the sake of your child.

You've forced a man who has depression to sleep on the streets?! And then get upset when he says he can't afford to contribute to the bills? Sorry OP, but sounds like he's better off without you. I feel sorry for your DD, what will she think when she's older when she finds out her DM made her DF homeless. Of course your family will stick with you, that's why they do. But sounds like you're not listening to anyone on here.

Unless you're drip-feeding, going through a rough patch and arguing over petty things (your description) doesn't really justify how you've treated him.

You told him that it was over and to leave, he did and now you're annoyed he didnt beg on the doorstep to get back and this now means he doesn't deserve half of your marital assets?

You don't sound mature enough to be in a marriage to be honest. Also, when your daughter is older and you have to explain why you never attempted to reconcile with her dad, what will you say? Because my mum and dad told me not to? Doesn't sound great does it?

It is NOT his home, it’s ours. I should keep the home to stay with my DD.

He shouted a lot and was always sad. I kept my problems to my chest. I know I should have spoken about them more but I was always there for him. He should have l Alan and laid more attention!

I don’t mean to be upset I’m actually thankful other opinions are said. It is why I signed up here after being told the same thing by everybody else.

I just don’t know what to do.

Correct, it is both of your home, and you do not get to stay there after divorce unless you buy him out. Educate yourself by booking an appointment with a solicitor.
You have zero right to have booted the man on to the streets, your posts are horrific.

Crikey OP, find out if your DH is ok, speak to him for goodness sake.

I don’t think I have the guts to message him or call… I do worry about him being out in this weather of course I do. But if my family found out I took him back they would cut me off.

And right now I feel like it’s either him or them.

Are you aware that he could simply enter the house and move back in whenever he likes?

If his name is on the deeds and mortgage then he has every right to be there.

If you want him to no longer live there you will need to sell the house and split the equity. That is exactly what would happen if you went to court.