Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

Jesus you need help. Both of you are as bad as each other. He owns half the house and has a right to be there. You are NOT a victim so stop acting like one. The whole woe is me outlook you have is disgusting. Are you pretending to be in an abusive relationship for kicks like your sister. Frankly it sounds like your family have done a blinder on you and you’re taking it out on him. He owns half the house and has a right to 50/50 with his daughter.

Christ you need to grow up.

What you want and what you get regarding the house will be miles apart.

So many red flags. You are coming across as abusive "he shouted TOO" "he shouted just as much" I bet he didn't, those are comments made by someone who is trying to justify the other person was just as bad by exaggeration. Kicking him out illegally is abuse though. Letting your family control you to abuse him is appalling.

Sounds like they abuse her so she is abusing him. What’s next abusing her daughter. It’s frankly disturbing

Doesn't matter whether he's bothered to asked to come back. Legally, if the house is in your joint names, he is entitled to half. Honestly, you really need to get more clued up about it. He doesn't need to physically be inside the house to make a claim on it – a solicitor will do that for him.

No idea from this really wtf is going on or if you are right or wrong so I'd suggest some baby steps.

1. he comes home but not as if all is back to normal, just to stop him being on the street
2. you see a relationship counsellor to help you (both) figure out if you want to stay married and if you do, how to relate to each other in a more healthy way
3. you tell your family you are working out what to do for the best and they can help you by listening, not telling you what to do (or totally butting out, what ever works for you).

There is no rush to decide if it's over or not right now, but there are clearly quite big issues.
Deep breaths. You can do this.

I absolutely hope he does

Honestly grow the fuck up.

Yeah real life is hard. People die, people grief, get depression, get ill health. Bicker.

What you have done is appalling. Your sister is clearly a traumatised person projecting their trauma onto you. Absolutely nothing you have posted has indicated your DH is violent or has threatened you in a sexual way.

Do you realise fully functioning healthy adults don't allow their parents and siblings to control them?

He is legally entitled to be in that house. If you aren't comfortable, you leave. Go to one of your family members who you are happy to allow to control you.

Your poor dd, the trauma of finding out your father is sleeping rough because Mammy family control her will be much worse than day to day family bickering.

Are you one of those people who run to your family and slag him off everytime you have a disagreement? Could you have made them hate him?

It sounds like you are the manipulator in all this on both sides and it's cruel

He has a legal right to be in his home and there's fuck all your parents can do about it, whether you stay together or not!

Give him what he is entitled to, a roof over his head for goodness sake!

You can't stop your husband entering his home - which is also your home

Explain to your family that the law says your husband is entitled to live in his home, which is also your home, until it is sold

Tell your husband he can come back to live in his home (the family home) whilst it's being sold

Sell the family home, split the proceeds

If you want to.....file for divorce

Once the house is sold you can live alone with just your daughter

Surely your family don't want you to break the law by denying your husband access to his (and your) home

Don't deny him access to the family home.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be emotional. This has been going on nearly two weeks. I do know I have far too many people in my small circle telling me one thing. It is why I reached out here. My family will always stand by my side. My friends too. They have told me to ditch him.

I would love for him to come back to the house. Sleep in the spare room. And maybe seek therapy together.

The one problem it will always come back to is my family. They would hate me for it.

Your friends are probably saying what you want to hear from the vibe you are giving off and your family sound extremely controlling which is also damaging for your child.

The one problem it will always come back to is my family. They would hate me for it

Explain to them that its his home too and denying him access is breaking the law

I'm sure your family will see sense ....he can live in his home (and your home) whilst you sell the property

Hope you don't mind me asking, are you part of an Asian family? The dynamic sounds like it might be.

I'm sorry OP - you have to resolve this now. Your marriage is a secondary issue- your husband isn't a danger to you from what you say. Get him back home now- to sleep in the spare room. Being in a relationship should be off the cards at the moment, neither of you are fit to be making good safe choices, if making your husband homeless was the best solution you both could come up with.
Your family do not control you.
They may withdraw help- but YOU are choosing to allow this to continue. He needs to come home to rest and sleep and then work things out. This could end horrifically if you don't act now. I'm sorry you were unhappy in your marriage, but this isn't the right way to solve things. You can separate as adults, and live together while you work out the next steps.

It's really good that this thread is making you see that what your family is telling you is manipulative and wrong, and that you letting him sleep on the streets is cruel. You now have to decide what's more important - you and your daughter's happiness or falling out with your family?

Do they realise that if you and your DH divorce, he's entitled to half the proceeds from the house sale? He isn't in any way obliged to let you stay living there – especially as you've made him homeless and forced him on the streets! Pretty sure a judge would look at your behaviour and agree that the house should be sold and proceeds split so your DH can get his own place.

Go and find him and talk to him and, if you're really serious, bring him home so you can see if it's a marriage worth saving. But you may find he doesn't want to come back after how he's been forced to live these past two weeks.

What sort of family would hate you for letting him back?

Is the marriage a lot worse than you've admitted OP?

Go and live with your family, since they're the most important thing to you, and he can stay in the house with your daughter.

Why don't you get out of your husband's house? That would resolve many issues

This ^ is an excellent point

YOU leave your husbands home (also your home) and allow him to live there with or without your child

Or do one week in the house, one week elsewhere

But you CANNOT deny him access to his home

That is illegal

Why do you worry more about what your family will say? What do you want?

So the poor bloke is sleeping on the streets despite owning half the house, had no transport despite owning half the car and can’t work, because you’ve deprived him of his work place?
He needs to see a solicitor to start divorce proceedings and start the process to get his share of the house/assets so that he can move forward with his life.

It's good to hear that your family and friends will always stand by you

Explain about you breaking the law

I'm sure they will stand by you and understand WHY your husband can not be denied access to his home

This has got to be a joke.

If it’s not, he needs to get as far away from you as possible.

The house needs to be sold as soon as possible so that he gets his 50%

OP, I am sorry to have to tell you that a family who would rather see your estranged husband homeless, than you deal with the split sensibly, is not a good family.

It's none of their business.

Keep them out of your marriage.

To be honest it sounds like you would both be better off away from each other. Sell the house and split the money so you both have somewhere for your DD to visit.