Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

He must want to see his daughter? He's not seen her in nearly 2 weeks!

So to sum up

Your DH has health problems.
He is possibly depressed and never got over the death of his mum.

You told him to leave the family home as you both were unhappy.
Your depressed husband with a health condition is on the streets. He has no other family except for his estranged ? brother and most likely thinking his wife and daughter don't want him any more...

I'd be worried about him spiralling....

Allowing him back into a house which is HALF HIS is not the same thing as getting back together with him. Your family don't get to have an opinion.

Can't say if divorce is right or wrong, but overall handling of situation could have been more civilised for sure. You could have moved in with your dear family then, to give him some space.

This can't be real.

You think he isn't entitled to his legal share of the house because he hasnt been banging on the door to get back in since you kicked him out and he stayed outside all night in the rain?

You had no right to kick him out. He did the right thing leaving as I susie t you would have escalated this further. But that is the marital home. You have no more right to be in it than he does. You have no right to keep the house. A judge wouldn't allow it, even if he agreed it.

A married adult who blames everyone else for their negatives actions and then blames everyone else because they haven't acted how they expect them to. A married adult who blames her family for abusive behaviour towards their husband.

I am sure he argues back. Why wouldn't he. But you have proved you can easily match him and push it even further.

This can't be real. A man who owns half a house is sleeping rough because of some shouting about dishes and spending money? Really? And his wife thinks she's the victim and is complaining that he's not contributing to bills any more when he's sleeping on the streets and unable to work?

Agreed. If she's so close to her family and he has none it would make sense for her to move in with her family and let him live in the house.

Sounds like you made a rash decision but it felt right at the time. If it hadn't you wouldnt of just gone along with what your sister advised. It sounds like you've been both going through a tough time and it finally blew up, it happens.

I think it's better that he left rather than more rows or atmosphere around your daughter to be honest.

It's what you want to do that matters, if you want to be with him but clearly there's alot to unpack.

Why is he homeless and on streets tho that part I'm confused with family, friend or hotel??

I really hope it is because the behaviour of this poster is appalling. That poor bloke.

As OP has explained, he doesn't speak to any of his family so he has no one he can live with and I imagine 2 weeks in a hotel would be pretty expensive.

OP you have treated him appallingly and I don’t honestly know how you can look your child in the eye knowing that you left her dad to sleep on the streets, especially over what you yourself describe as petty bickering. If you were a man then we’d be encouraging your partner to call Womens Aid etc, disgusting truly.

You are a grown woman, start acting like one. Your family don’t have the power to allow/disallow you to do anything, but for your husband’s sake I hope he never takes you back. A partner who locks you out knowing you have nowhere to go is an abusive one, there’s no defending that.

Ah I missed that part thanks

Your poor poor husband. He’s fucking sleeping rough! I hope he divorces you and gets full custody and all the assets.

I actually hope we are being! Otherwise, it's just so shocking.

Your behaviour is appalling. I don't know if you're capable of love. You left your child's parent sleeping rough on the streets without warning or a respectful conversation? You think you should keep everything? You'd be aware he's probably lost his job by now and probably needed urgent psychiatric attention?

You're unbelievably narcissistic and I think at least one of your parents probably is as well.

If something happens to your partner it will be on your head. You're only considering having him back now because you're doubting your choice, not because you've suddenly found a shred of humanity. If he has any self respect he will get out of this toxic marriage and never look back.

You need to have a good hard think about what your child will say when they're older and hear exactly what you did to their dad.

Get some therapy. You're enmeshed with your family. You're going to fuck up your kid if you don't change.

A divorce involves change. Your standard of living drops. You get half of what you used to have. You don't put the other parent out with the rubbish.

I’m concerned about your ‘D’H welfare right now.

He’s been kicked out of his family home with no where to go, no other family or support, isn’t able to work (so possibly will lose his job?!), is grieving and already sounds like he could be depressed and has health issues. Not to mention the upset he must be feeling at going through a break up and missing his family/ DD.

I think the most humane thing you can do right now is allow him back home, to sleep in the spare room, you can then look to start divorce proceedings.

I honestly can’t believe that you and your family are so heartless to see the poor guy sleeping on the streets, and you say that you kicked him out to protect your daughter from the rows, surely her knowing you’re making her DDad sleep rough is more hurtful!

Legally he has a right to be in the home.

Legally he has a right to see his child.

Just because your a woman and mother doesn't mean you deserve the house and the child. They belong to both of you.

Anyone who would actively encourage the separation of a family doesn't have your best interests at heart. Unless the relationship is an abusive one. Your family and friend should support you. That doesn't mean they should coerce you. That's not support.

@CarterOL I have seen these situations before where the family ruins the marriage.
you allowed your sister to dictate how you treat your husband. that is totally unacceptable

you kicked him out and made him homeless. that is abuse. you do not love him. I wouldn't even treat a stranger like this. how would you feel if he had kicked you out and left you to sleep in the rain?

firstly, you should call him and ask him to stay in the house until you finalise things.

you personally need therapy to figure out why you have such a lack of empathy for another human being. do you work? if not work to be financially independent.

then leave this poor man. he doesn't deserve to be treated like this. even if he may not be blameless, you clearly don't care about him one bit so do the right thing and leave him.

finally you are wondering why you are getting these comments on here? its because what you did was horrifically cruel and abusive. not to mention illegal. he has just as much right to be in that house. your family sound nasty and controlling. and you are allowing yourself to be controlled by them. for the sake of yourself and your child please get some therapy.

You sound weak and really selfish. Why are you so focused on what your family think. I can’t believe you let your husband sleep rough. Stop being so wet and tell your family to do one. Let your husband come home and talk about things like sensible adults.

relationship counselling doesn't work if one of the couple is narcissistic or abusive

in this case the OP is abusive and may very well be narcissistic.

Not sure its narcissism but I do wonder about EUPD, I'm wondering how much of the ops behaviour is to force her dh to prove his love, that would tally with her comments about him not fighting to come home and would explain the seeking approval of the family. I'm wondering now if he has the measure of the family and that scares them that they'll lose control of the op.

Are you sure he’s currently safe OP?

I didn't know that having a penis gave magic protection from the rain. because you sure wouldn't have given that response if a woman had been thrown out to sleep rough for 2wks