Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

He is back. I collected him earlier. I set him up in the guest room and helped him. No he is not well at all. His health has deteriorated badly. Yes it is my fault. Right now I will help him recover so that he can do what he wants to do. But I do believe he wants to leave me and after all he has been through I can not argue.

but he is safe and resting

Right, now concentrate on ensuring he starts his meds again and sees his GO as soon as possible.

How has this all been explained to your poor daughter?

She must be so confused and it's such a shame she's in for a lifetime of this toxicity if she continues to be exposed to your family's bizarre, controlling and cruel behaviour.

You need some counselling to understand how deeply they've damaged you and therefore the risk of them doing the same to your daughter as you're unable to stand up to them or see yourself as an autonomous person who isn't under their control.

So you are no longer trying to fuck him over, steal his assets, alienate him from his child and suggest he's so mentally unstable he can't be trusted not to hurt you or his child. If I was him I would run like the wind. You can't be trusted. When the going got tough, and BOTH your voices got raised, you, your family and friends did a smear campaign against him. I wouldn't have contacted with you unless a 3rd party was present as a witness.

I just saw your update. He's gullible. Please be aware that whatever allegations you make in the future he will still be entitled to his share of equity and even seriously nasty bastard's, which he clearly isn't, still get access to their children because the courts favour contact.

Well...I hope this can be resolved peacefully from now on.

If you care about his wellbeing then advise him to get good legal support. I had to live with ex for a few months after we'd split but there wasn't any more trouble as I'd already made the decision to leave so we just got on with our own thing, separate bedrooms.

Wishing him well.

i have simply pointed out how horrific your actions are and there is nothing nasty or aggressive about that. you are abusive, you admit it yourself. me pointing that out is neither nasty nor aggressive.
and classic narcissist for attacking people when they see through your lies. I am familiar with the playbook.
you posted on mumsnet asking for feedback, no one forced you.

and I have never put anyone on the street, let alone a member of my own family. I have never denied anyone their medication and I have never ever abused anyone. so to say I am "just as nasty as you" is patently false.

I don't have to believe what you say. I find you extremely disingenuous. especially when you now say you love him/want him back. that is classic abuser behaviour.

I’m not an abuser. I may be easily mislead or have an overbearing family who I will admit have walked me down a path I shouldn’t have gone but I am not an abuser.

i just want now what’s good for him and the best way forward. He shouldn’t have been out on the street for a single night never mind multiple not with an illness. But that doesn’t make me an abuser. It just makes me an idiot who listened to the wrong people

actually it does
and the fact that you keep trying to shift blame to others makes you a typical abuser who never owns up to what they are. there is always a reason, always an excuse. it's often the victims fault (you blamed him multiple times on this thread)
no one held a gun to your head
the more you post the worse you sound btw

@CarterOL what exactly makes someone an abuser then ????? You 1000000% are an abuser and the fact you can't see that is really quite scary

You are an abuser though....

Just for my own understanding you are defining me as such for what exactly? That i asked him to leave and he had nowhere else to go, so he slept on the street without medication?

i need to clarify it for my own mental side

I was very sceptical of this entire thread but having read your latest updates I do now think it is real and I am pleased that everyone's concerns have cut through and that your husband is now safe and physically recovering in the spare room. But man oh man, what a sorry state of affairs that you let yourself be bullied into mistreating him so badly that he ended up being ill on the streets. I don't believe you are an abuser, but you urgently need therapy to unpack why you continually let your parents dictate the terms of your life to the point that it has destroyed your marriage. The person I most feel sorry for, other than your husband, is your daughter. Divorce is so damaging to children and I suspect yours is going to get really ugly because of your family's interference. Don't be surprised if somewhere down the line, when she's older, she learns the truth about what you did this week and chooses to live with him. You say you did it to protect her but I don't think for a second she's going to see it that way.

@CarterOL I can't take this seriously honestly. You flung your chronically ill husband out on the street to sleep because you had an argument. You contacted a solicitor to tell them you didn't want him to be able to come home to HIS OWN HOUSE. Claiming 'legally' he can't do any of these things which was bollocks. you didn't want him to see his daughter, your family also were making sure of this. What part of this isn't abuse ????? You said 'why should he get half of the house' it is so very clear to see you are an abuser and your beyond delusional. The full post was a pity party for yourself wanting everyone to feel sorry for you. It's always your husbands fault it's never yours. Abuser in plain sight

The legal part was because of his actions after leaving. His mental state deteriorated and when he was first talking with me he seemed a danger to himself.

in hindsight I do understand why he would be in this position and how it was not his fault by my own. But bit solicitor did push this too as a form of keeping him away. Advice I have no gone back on against everybody else’s will. If things were to go back with him now, I would be in a lot of trouble without a legal leg to stand on.

i don’t want a pitty party. I want to do what’s right in a bad situation. Whether o have caused this or not is now not for debate

OP how have you explained all this to your daughter?

What did you tell her happened when he didn't come back for a while?

Then what did you tell her when he came back in a state due to what he's been through?

Well OP, let me break this down for you.

this is a forum, we can debate whatever we want, as long as its within the talk guidelines

if we want to talk about what you did and your abusive behaviour, we will

you can go round and round and blame everyone else, but you are not fooling anyone here. perhaps you are able to pull the wool over the eyes of the people around you. I suspect you turned you parents, friends and solicitor against your husband. but that isn't going to work here.

you have had hundreds of posts explaining why your actions are abusive. maybe go back and read them? and please get therapy urgently. i worry that your daughter will be the next victim.

That mummy and daddy tried but were not happy so we had to be apart. That we still loved her.

But with him being back I explained we have to take care of him for a while.

Can you see what a risk your family dynamic poses to the long term wellbeing of your daughter OP? How their level of control and dominance over you will almost certainly extend to her?

But with him being back I explained we have to take care of him for a while.

No. There is no "we". Leave the child out of this. She does not need to know her father is mentally ill. You'll just scare the life out of her.

@therealcookiemonster this 100 times over. Op if you didn't want peoples opinions, bearing in mind 99% of opinions are in fact the exact same that this is absolutely abuse along with your family, then you shouldn't have posted in the first place, so it definitely is up for discussion.

So at 16.45 you were still asking for advice on how to fix this, and by 18.28 you found him, talked to him obviously with an “offer of coming home” brought him home, got him set up in the guest room and back on here for an update.

Either you are a very fast worker or I call BS.

where is he really OP? Is he still on the streets?

By the way, I don’t believe the story about the random woman with a spare room.

i think he’s been out all along and he’s still out.

Really hoping he’s not but this whole thread is so unbelievable it’s hard to decipher fact from fiction.

If he is still out there, please give him the bloody car

Because I had already said I knew where he was. Yes I was asking for advice because I wanted to do this the right way and not mess up again.

He is with us at home. He has been since yesterday. I have not spoken to him this morning yet.

What are you going to say to your family now he’s back home? Regardless of what happens to your marriage - although I wouldn’t blame him for wanting a divorce - how are you going to deal with them going forward? Because literally none of this would have happened if you hadn’t gone running to them the second you rowed and then they took over. Chances are he’d have walked off the row, you’d have exchanged messages and then he’d have come home. You let them bully you into forcing your DH to sleep rough with no meds. If you’ve got any chance of staying with him, you need to show him that it won’t happen again.

So what are you going to do?

Hopefully he will see sense and get that divorce underway. He cannot stay in this relationship with her surely?! He would become a shell of a man always on edge her family is going to kick him out if he doesn’t do exactly as told. Its clear she allows her mum/dad/sister to rule the roost. It needs to end. I hope he finds happiness