Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

When we had fights he would shout. I would shout too but not as much. He would be insulting at times and say sarcastic comments.

He was more of a shout and be emotional type and I was more of a keep it hidden and not bother people type.

I just had enough of his depression and always being sad. It was bringing me down.

I imagine the depression and always being sad was bringing him down, too.

What should he have done when you asked him to leave?

Fight you to stay? What form would that have taken, given you’re trying to minimise the conflict your child sees?

You say he hasn’t asked you to come back, but then you type this. Are you hoping he’ll come begging so you can turn him away?

You and your family sound dreadful, and it’s a pity he has no one to advocate for him, as you seem to have your equally abhorrent family.

You don’t have to remain in a high conflict relationship, but this is also not how you go about ending a marriage either.

Your husband is unwell. So unwell he didn’t even think to take the car, and slept in the rain instead. He hasn’t returned, so is probably now not working either if his equipment is all at home. He’s probably off somewhere spiralling and you’re pissed because he hasn’t begged to come back home.

What are you saying to your daughter?

if two adults argue and shout, that's both their faults
but you threw him out. it's been raining every day. for all you know he has become really unwell.
what you did is not just being a twat. it's abusive, it's cruel and inhumane.
and you are doing what all abusers do, justifying your vile behaviour.
you are 100% not a victim. he is the victim of domestic abuse.

actually he did beg to come back as per OPs first post. he has just gone silent for past few days. could be because his phone got stolen/he couldn't charge it/he got robbed/he is lying in an a&e somewhere. who knows. the OP certainly doesn't give a shit

I’m half expecting the parents to own the house as well 🤷🏽‍♀️

I’m struggling to believe this is true. It’s also weird the brother is letting him charge his phone there regularly but not stay there, seeing as they haven’t spoken for 20 years.

If it is true, you are avoiding answering the question of when you actually last heard from him? This is important. Do you know he is actually okay and not lying in a gutter somewhere.

Your posts are very ‘Me me me’. If you are in the UK and this post is genuine luckily the law is on his side and he’ll get his share of the house and hopefully custody. Your family sound self centred and horrible.

Victim of what?

Mutual arguments?

You aren’t a victim. You have abused him.

but I think you jumped the shark with ‘his depression was bringing me down’

I am going to guess your parents don’t want him back because what you have told them. Whilst abdicated any fault of your own In the situation.

The arguments were mutual. You escalated it. You asked him to leave and he did. Asking someone to leave as a test to see if they fight to stay is also abusive. There’s no way your behaviour and your families isn’t abusive. He doesn’t need to be perfect for your behaviour to be abusive.

Also it could be seen as parental alienation.

*Hes not bothered to ask to come back since the start why should he have anything. If he was that bothered he would be at my door every day.

I went away over the weekend and not one message or letter at the house from him. Nothing!!*

She says he hasn’t begged enough, even though she has no plans to do anything other than embarrass him further by not letting him back.

She really doesn’t give a shit ☹️

How dare he argue with YOU!! Haven't you and your family made him aware of his place? You sound like the bloody Mitchells!

The legal advice will be that you must sell the house and split the equity.

The law does not support you locking him out of his jointly owned house.

You're starting to sound insane.

This is piss poor behaviour from you op. You should hang your head in shame. Hes living on the streets, meanwhile youve got a belly full of food, had a shower and slept in a comfy warm bed, in 50% his house. Are your parents naïvely expecting him to just sign the house over to you? Give all his wage to you and bow down when your parents allow him to see his child? You’re wrong op. Abusive, domestic abuse and parental alienation here. I hope he uses this when the time comes.

At this point, i dont know how you can even look at your child 🤦🏻‍♀️

You're both equally responsible for this. But only one of you is living on the streets. That is why people are saying you are being unfair. Because it isn't fair, is it? You both fought, you both argued, you both shouted. You are in your home, he is on the street, and your parents are pushing to make that a permanent thing.

He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain.

that's from the first post

yes totally agreed. she gives 0 shits

You know what. Get your parents to buy him out so he can divorce you and get full custody of your daughter. Him and her do not deserve to be in your poisonous family. I feel sick reading your posts. You are nothing but a poisonous abusive person and I hope his depression goes now he is free from you. In years to come when you see sense you’ll be on here moanin that your family caused your divorce and are abusing you. Good luck you’ll need it.

I may have told him to leave, yes. But… he is the one that decided to go. It’s not my fault.

This is insane. "It's not my fault that my husband did the thing I told him to do."

I wouldn't reply to this thread anymore, surely it can't be real?

Me, me, me wife and interfering inlaws. No wonder the bloke is depressed.

Zero sympathy OP. You wouldn't treat a dog like that never mind the man you are supposed to love.

If this guy did a go fund me for legal fees I would actually give him money.

men can also be victims of dv
often the fact is that they are dismissed or not believed because women are more commonly victims of abuse
it's true this thread could be made up. but there are many cases of worse things happening to men including being beaten, starved and killef by their partners (both male and female).

same.

really hope he has contacted some agencies who have supported him
the sad truth is he could become permanently homeless because of this. if he is so depressed and broken by what's happened, he may not even seek what he is owed

Its real. I just didn’t expect this sort of response. I knew I would be called out for ignoring his pleas to come home. He asked and I told him it wouldn’t be a good idea. I told him no.

I appreciate I’m bein seen in a negative light in this post. I really don’t want him to be hurt or in pain. I know he’s out there on his own. He did spend a few nights at somebody else’s house from what I knew.

But I just don’t see it as a good idea him comes back to the house. It wouldn’t be possible for us both to stay there together.

Somebody asked about his brother? They fell out a long time ago because his brother slept with his then girlfriend and it became a big mess for them.

He speaks occasionally but they are not in good terms.

I assume he stops by every so often to charge his phone and wash.

So. You've forced him to go to the only "support network," he has, which is his so called brother who had an affair with his then girlfriend!? I actually can't belive someone would be so heartless.

Do the rightful thing, pack up and go live with your parents so your H can stay in the house and sort himself out.