MIL just doesn't seem to care?

[clairejnelly89]

Rather than speaking to my hubsand, I'm trying to write my thoughts down to rationalise how I'm feeling.Husband away Mon-Fri with his dad/brother. My kids are at nursery during day but just me looking after them morning/night. MIL is at home on her own. Every Wednesday eve she has our little ones. I was feeling relieved knowing this, as I've been anxious about being on my own with them (age 3 and 1). I've always felt she doesn't like me, or there's 'something' not right. Last week I had all the family over and did a bbq, for my MIL birthday. I am also hosting fathers day in a couple of weeks. So I do try to do my bit.Last week, she cancelled having the kids, this week (whilst her husband is away) and the following week, with no explanation. My husband asked if she could do another night, she didn't reply. He left it a few days and asked again, she then said she would have them on Wednesday like normal. My husband replied and expressed his gratitude for helping out. She replied "xx" to his message. It's been 2 days and not heard from her, I suspect I won't hear anything until she has the kids. I find it a bit weird we both live 10-mins away, both "on our own" and no involvement. It's not really very "family-like". I guess I could reach out to her, I was thinking of inviting her over for dinner so she wasn't on her own, but then I have to remind myself running a full time business, managing toddlers etc and then hosting someone is not the best idea. I have ADHD and usually get overwhelmed very easily. I also feel a bit like I would be making more work/effort for myself. I also don't want to ask her to come and help, she's made it clear she doesn't want to, and if that's the case I'd rather just let her do her own thing rather than her pretending she wants to (she's a people pleaser so always says yes if you ask). I guess I feel a bit alone. Not really cared about?

The best thing you can do in this case, is match her energy.

Right now the investment of energy is completely unbalanced.
You're trying to have a relationship with her.
You're trying to be her family
You're thinking about why she does certain things, trying to understand
You're talking/venting about her to your husband
...
Meanwhile she just... doesn't care. And she loses zero energy on that fact.
You can analyze things all you want, that's not going to make her care. You can feel indignant all you want, that's not going to change anything.
All you can really do, is match her energy. She doesn't care? Neither do you. She has no hopes or expectations of having a relationship with you? Neither do you.
She seems unbothered by living in close proximity yet not being involved in each others' lives? Neither do you.

And stop wasting your precious energy on someone who just doesn't care. Just because she carries the title of MIL, doesn't mean anything. She doesn't owe you help or a close relationship of the feeling of family or her time. So let it go.

You don’t know why she has cancelled - you have assumed it is about not liking you. You have no way of knowing if that is true or not.

Nothing about what you've said seems in any way odd to me, other than your sense that you think she doesn't want to 'help' you, when she has your small baby and toddler every Wednesday.

Maybe she doesn't like you, sure, but I don't see that as some kind of death blow. My MIL, of whom I am quite fond, despite her total tactlessness, doesn't like me, and has never concealed (or in fairness even attempted to!) the fact that she'd have far preferred DH to marry his previous girlfriend. It doesn't lay an axe to the roots of my self-esteem or anything...

I find it a bit weird we both live 10-mins away, both "on our own" and no involvement

Isn't it likely she's busy enjoying herself, seeing friends, and leading her own independent life while her DH is away, so she neither sees it as 'on her own' or as something you're enduring together?

Mayve she is tired, maybe shes unwell, maybe she waas asked out to dinner or a whole host of reasons

Of youre snxious about being by yourself reach out to her and invite her round x

Was just talking about this subject at work this morning. Two camps - those of us who revel is the wonderful solitude when a partner is away for a few days - eating what and when we like, watching TV that we like, the whole bed to yourself, etc. The other camp hate it - need others around, will go and visit friends etc.

Maybe your MIL is like me and is using her husband's absence as a little holiday all for herself.

Is she being selfish ? You may think so, but she may think it's a necessary way to maintain her mental health.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, is there anyone else you can invite over, or maybe book a babysitter for a few hours and go to the cinema for a break. It doesn't always have to be your MIL.

She didn't originally cancel because she doesn't like me. I just think she isn't that bothered about us/kids so if she doesn't have to she won't.

Slightly odd to be aware that your daughter-in-law is anxious about being alone looking after her two grandchildren and not reaching out, regardless of what you have going on.

I think sometimes people just get tired. Many women have spent a lifetime running around after their families in a way that most men don’t. At some point you must feel like an empty cup.

You said that she’s a people pleaser, this sounds to me like she has difficulties discussing her boundaries and is choosing to put her head in the sand and hope you’ll get the message. She has probably come to associate you with being needy (sorry to put it like that) so would think you were inviting her to dinner to butter her up.
my advice would be to give her space and stop asking her to take on childminding at the moment, definitely don’t involve her in a schedule of any sort

My guess is that she's feeling a bit resentful at having being pressured into taking the children after she cancelled the evening. It was very unkind to get her son to repeatedly nag her into doing it because you are unable to cope with your children on your own. Do you ever bother with her other than when you want her to mind your children?

Have you or your DH told her you'll be feeling anxious and likely overwhelmed on your own? She may think you're doing just fine and be unaware

I"d also turn it around and say it could be perceived as odd that knowing your MIL is close by and also on her own, you havent reached out and asked her for support

I have two under 4 and I'm in the camp of relishing my DH being away (but I understand that wouldn't be the case for everyone) so I would hate other people inserting themselves in to 'help'. Maybe that's what she's conscious of doing?

Keep in mind that for so many of us who have overbearing MILs, yours sounds great! Happy to help but leaves you in peace and respects your space. Mine wouldn't be able to stop herself from intruding on my time if she lived close by.

I don't think it's that odd. You're not her daughter and she probably doesn't want to over-step.

I always got on well enough with my MIL but realistically we had very little in common and I suspect we'd both have felt incredibly awkward spending any time together without DH as a buffer.

Maybe she feels as though you'd prefer your space.

This is also a good point.

Why did DH push her to rearrange and why has she now agreed to have them?

Why can’t you take care of your own children?

Why did she cancel having the kids? It sounds like it’s too much for her and she doesn’t want to do it? If that’s the case, your husband should be pressurising her into doing it anyway!

Why are you so nervous looking after your own kids-has something happened?

Do you get on with your mother in law-are you good friends?

You have had children and you can't handle them? Do they need to see someone if they are they are that bad? They are your children so parent them

You have made up your mind about your Mil so nothing she does will ever be right

Assuming all the men have gone away for leisure reasons I think it's a bit unfair of your DH to leave the kids with you knowing you struggle and then pressure his mum into helping you. She was probably looking forward to a week of not having to do anything for anyone.

Having your two young children every week is quite a lot and maybe she does feel a bit taken advantage off if she's doing that and you don't want to invite her over for dinner as you think it's too much for you.

So she looks after your children every week, and says yes to anything you ask of her? Other than cancelling once, and then not getting back to your husband's message for a few days, what has she actually done wrong?

Not everyone wants to be best buddies with their in laws and message/call them all the time. She actually sounds pretty supportive to me!

Have you sought professional help op? End of the day they are your dc and mil isn't obliged to help. They are very young to sleeping out imo. Maybe it's too much for her and she doesn't like to admit it.

I think you're looking to place the blame in the wrong place.
And, as is common in our society, you've found another woman to place the blame on.
Rather than on your husband, who has chosen to go in a little jolly despite knowing you're struggling.
Two young kids and your own business is hard work, it isn't the right time for I've parent to be going off on a jolly. Do you plan to go away for a break for the same length he has?

I am betting this is what’s going on.

She was probably looking forward to enjoying a week to herself.

I don’t know how old your MIL is but if she is around my age ( late 60s) maybe she is tired ? Feels she has done her bit and just wants to relax , read, see friends etc ?
I have recently cut back the amount of childcare I do for my DGC. I would never see them stuck but the thought of having a baby and toddler on such a regular basis sounds exhausting!

Also, why are you the one hosting your in-laws? Why not your husband? He should surely be doing any hosting.

So reading between the lines, I think this sounds like a family who believes women exist to serve men. And so, your mil is taking a break whilst she can.

I'm flabbergasted your Mil has 2 under 3 every single week. I think that is taking liberties. You yourself can't manage but you expect a much older woman to? Why have 2 so close together if you can't cope? You're coming across as entitled and expect way too much from others. They're your kids, not hers.