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Original poster

MIL just doesn't seem to care?

208 replies

clairejnelly89 · 04/06/2024 13:32

Rather than speaking to my hubsand, I'm trying to write my thoughts down to rationalise how I'm feeling.Husband away Mon-Fri with his dad/brother. My kids are at nursery during day but just me looking after them morning/night. MIL is at home on her own. Every Wednesday eve she has our little ones. I was feeling relieved knowing this, as I've been anxious about being on my own with them (age 3 and 1). I've always felt she doesn't like me, or there's 'something' not right. Last week I had all the family over and did a bbq, for my MIL birthday. I am also hosting fathers day in a couple of weeks. So I do try to do my bit.Last week, she cancelled having the kids, this week (whilst her husband is away) and the following week, with no explanation. My husband asked if she could do another night, she didn't reply. He left it a few days and asked again, she then said she would have them on Wednesday like normal. My husband replied and expressed his gratitude for helping out. She replied "xx" to his message. It's been 2 days and not heard from her, I suspect I won't hear anything until she has the kids. I find it a bit weird we both live 10-mins away, both "on our own" and no involvement. It's not really very "family-like". I guess I could reach out to her, I was thinking of inviting her over for dinner so she wasn't on her own, but then I have to remind myself running a full time business, managing toddlers etc and then hosting someone is not the best idea. I have ADHD and usually get overwhelmed very easily. I also feel a bit like I would be making more work/effort for myself. I also don't want to ask her to come and help, she's made it clear she doesn't want to, and if that's the case I'd rather just let her do her own thing rather than her pretending she wants to (she's a people pleaser so always says yes if you ask). I guess I feel a bit alone. Not really cared about?

OP posts:
DreadPirateRobots · 05/06/2024 07:30

You seem to want her to mother you emotionally - you want her to be thinking about how you feel and acting to make you feel better without you asking - and you apparently feel no such obligation towards her. Which strikes me as, I'm sorry, bizarre. You're a grown woman and she already does a lot for you. It is really really not her job to do more. I hope she has a lovely week with her DH away doing whatever she wants to do.

Baaliali · 05/06/2024 07:32

clairejnelly89 · 05/06/2024 05:05

Slightly odd to be aware that your daughter-in-law is anxious about being alone looking after her two grandchildren and not reaching out, regardless of what you have going on.

I think actually it is the other way around. It is slightly odd that you have the expectations that you do when obviously the relationship can never have been like the one you feel you “should” have. Families are very different from one another there is no one way a family “should” be. Ideally family members would be close and supportive but the older I get the rarer I realise that actually is.

RedHelenB · 05/06/2024 07:35

Digestive28 · 04/06/2024 14:43

You don’t know why she has cancelled - you have assumed it is about not liking you. You have no way of knowing if that is true or not.

This. And maybe you could show her a bit of gratitude, flowers, wine , chocolate whatever for having thr kittle ones every Wednesday night.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 05/06/2024 07:42

Have I got this right? Mil tried to cancel looking after DC, you got your DH to talk her back into doing it - did he guilt her into doing it?
What do you do on the evening mil babysits?
If you don't think you have a strong bond with her, why not ask her round for an easy dinner, as a thank you for all the babysitting. You'll get company for an evening, she won't feel so used.
She's probably feeling miffed that you are using your DH to ask her to help YOU out.

jannier · 05/06/2024 07:45

Your husband is away Monday to Friday she's having the kids Wednesday so you've got one or two nights left she's helped half way through sounds fair....I'm sure if there was an emergency she would help. Sometimes seeing your succeeding makes it easier each time.

Ragwort · 05/06/2024 07:48

I think you sound very needy and demanding, why can't you cope with your two DC? I am probably near your MIL's age and to be honest I love a week at home alone when my DH is away and I can be totally free of commitments and just enjoy total 'down time'. You seem to be looking for issues when there aren't any.

Mattenshough799 · 05/06/2024 07:51

clairejnelly89 · 05/06/2024 05:03

She didn't originally cancel because she doesn't like me. I just think she isn't that bothered about us/kids so if she doesn't have to she won't.

Show quote history

The thing is op, it may be strange to you, but she is entitled to not want to be more involved than she is, if she doesn’t want to be. Yes it’s lovely and helpful that she takes the children once a week but it is not written in stone anywhere that she has to help.

Lots of women raise their own family for 20-odd years and have had enough by then. You are struggling with your dc, maybe she has the same experience and doesn’t want to do it any more? Even when they are past retirement age the “caring” expectations foisted on women are still far more than men have to endure!

Maybe she does a lot for her dh and wants to kick back and enjoy a bit of freedom when her dh is away? I wish my mil had respected our privacy and kept her distance a bit more like yours does tbh!

It sounds like you need to have a very calm no-pressure conversation together about each others expectations?

SallyWD · 05/06/2024 08:02

Firstly, I think it's great that she usually has them one day a week. That in itself must be a huge help. Let's be honest, it's pretty full on looking after two toddlers! We never had any help.
Secondly, there are many reasons why she might be a bit distant. Feeling tired, feeling shy or socially awkward, not good at small talk. Maybe she just loves time alone. When my DH and kids are away I'm in absolute heaven being alone! I don't want to see anyone. Not a soul - I just enjoy the solitude and quiet. You seem to be assuming that being alone is a negative thing. It might not be for her.
If I was you I'd invite her round occasionally (maybe once every 6 weeks at first) and see if you can become closer. I would lose all expectations of hanging out together on a weekly basis though.

Cornishclio · 05/06/2024 08:11

I think you should be more cross with your husband disappearing off for 5 days leaving you with two young children when he knows you are struggling.

ABirdsEyeView · 05/06/2024 08:31

Why is your husband away mon-fri? If this is for work and you aren't coping with 2 young children, then he needs to look for work that doesn't require him to be away all week, or buy you some additional help.

What makes you feel that you cannot cope? Is it possible you have some undiagnosed PND or is it a confidence thing? I think this is something you need to fix, rather than relying on a reluctant mil. If it's just tiredness/needing a break, perhaps you could book the kids into nursery for a couple of days each week or employ a 'mothers helper' or a cleaner to take on some of the extra work.

I think sometimes women get to point in life where they are just fed up of 'caring' responsibilities. It doesn't mean that mil doesn't care about her grandchildren, but more that she's at a point in life where she needs her time to be her own and not limited by the choices and needs of others. Women find it hard to say no to things without a socially acceptable reason - saying 'I don't want to' doesn't seem to be acceptable.

I think leave mil be. Match her energy, as suggested by the first poster. And seek solutions elsewhere.

Gall10 · 05/06/2024 08:36

clairejnelly89 · 05/06/2024 05:05

Slightly odd to be aware that your daughter-in-law is anxious about being alone looking after her two grandchildren and not reaching out, regardless of what you have going on.

The MIL of original poster has a life of her own. She doesn’t need to give any reason whatsoever as to why she changes this routine.
Shes already being a massive help by looking after the children when she’s already done this with her own family…did her MIL help out?
maybe the husband is the one at fault who needs to up his game and support his wife more.

cannonballz · 05/06/2024 08:45

clairejnelly89 · 05/06/2024 05:05

Slightly odd to be aware that your daughter-in-law is anxious about being alone looking after her two grandchildren and not reaching out, regardless of what you have going on.

why is she aware that you are anxious? That isn't something I would be laying on someone else.

cannonballz · 05/06/2024 08:45

She has your children every Wednesday? That is a huge amount of help. Why is it people who get a huge amount of help come onto MN and complain about how little help they get?

TheCheeseThief · 05/06/2024 08:47

Surely if your unable to cope your husband wouldn't of gone away for a random trip?

You have a huge amount of help every week, they aren't her children YABU to expect it all the time.

Kelly51 · 05/06/2024 08:53

What effort have you made to build a relationship? why is your DH making the arrangements and txts on your behalf? you want the help then speak to the woman.
Honestly there are some oblivious people on here, who I note post about their frankly odd behaviour but always slide in I have ADHD, Etc to excuse their rudeness, having Adhd, Asd, isn't a blank excuse to be rude or abusive (as many pps use to excuse horrible men)

Enoughalready2024 · 05/06/2024 08:54

She's probably enjoying the solitude and not having to help out. It doesn't mean she doesn't love her grandkids. She might just find it hard work looking after them and it would be even more so for her to do it solo. You've said yourself that you find it hard to look after them solo and it makes you anxious but with all due respect they are your kids and not hers.

Lulooo · 05/06/2024 08:56

You mention that she hasn’t contacted you but you also haven’t reached out to her. If it’s bothering you, then there’s nothing stopping you from initiating contact. It doesn’t have to be left to her to reach out. She may not have thought much of it whereas you’re possibly overthinking it. She may not want to encroach on your time as you’re busy with toddlers and a business. So maybe she’s giving you space and has left it to you to contact her when you’re free?

Roundroundthegarden · 05/06/2024 08:58

I have a 1yo and there is no way I would be having a 1 AND 3yo overnight when I'm a GP. It is just bloody hard work and I don't blame her. If you are struggling then why on earth do you think she would be fine, being older at least??

Original poster
clairejnelly89 · 05/06/2024 10:16

HollyKnight · 05/06/2024 05:22

My guess is that she's feeling a bit resentful at having being pressured into taking the children after she cancelled the evening. It was very unkind to get her son to repeatedly nag her into doing it because you are unable to cope with your children on your own. Do you ever bother with her other than when you want her to mind your children?

Yes I used to take her spa days, out for lunch, do things together. I made her afternoon tea and delivered balloons on her doorstep on her birthday during covid. It's always felt one-sided, she doesn't bother with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
clairejnelly89 · 05/06/2024 10:17

If your son tells you that their wife is really anxious about having the kids - why would one presume to give that person space, oppose to reaching out?

OP posts:
Original poster
clairejnelly89 · 05/06/2024 10:18

When she gets old and needs my help, I'll remember that.

OP posts:
Original poster
clairejnelly89 · 05/06/2024 10:20

I don't know where you are all from, but I am big on family and values. You chip in; you help each other out. Not because you have to, but because you want to. It's hard work looking after a sister with a disability, 2 kids, a business. Being their for your parents when they have been poorly etc. But you do it because you love them. Just like when they grow old. We will do it for love.

OP posts:
TheCheeseThief · 05/06/2024 10:20

clairejnelly89 · 05/06/2024 10:18

When she gets old and needs my help, I'll remember that.

But she IS helping you once a week! You choose to have your children, not her, your entitlement is truly shocking.

Original poster
clairejnelly89 · 05/06/2024 10:22

Bit out of line. Why is my behaviour rude? I haven't been rude once to her. I have done some lovely things for her. As mentioned had her over for her birthday last week, look after their dog whilst they were on holiday, did a birthday surprise for them during lockdown, took her for lunch, spa days just us two. etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
clairejnelly89 · 05/06/2024 10:24

Your missing the point. It's hard having kids, but when you have a close family, you all chip in and help out. I'm a little anxious, but not unable. Would have been nice to have some contact from my MIL, that's all. Gosh most people would love to have a daughter in law who WANTS to be a part of their life. I can only assume that most people on this group have family who don't really care for one another.

OP posts: