MIL just doesn't seem to care?

[clairejnelly89]

Rather than speaking to my hubsand, I'm trying to write my thoughts down to rationalise how I'm feeling.Husband away Mon-Fri with his dad/brother. My kids are at nursery during day but just me looking after them morning/night. MIL is at home on her own. Every Wednesday eve she has our little ones. I was feeling relieved knowing this, as I've been anxious about being on my own with them (age 3 and 1). I've always felt she doesn't like me, or there's 'something' not right. Last week I had all the family over and did a bbq, for my MIL birthday. I am also hosting fathers day in a couple of weeks. So I do try to do my bit.Last week, she cancelled having the kids, this week (whilst her husband is away) and the following week, with no explanation. My husband asked if she could do another night, she didn't reply. He left it a few days and asked again, she then said she would have them on Wednesday like normal. My husband replied and expressed his gratitude for helping out. She replied "xx" to his message. It's been 2 days and not heard from her, I suspect I won't hear anything until she has the kids. I find it a bit weird we both live 10-mins away, both "on our own" and no involvement. It's not really very "family-like". I guess I could reach out to her, I was thinking of inviting her over for dinner so she wasn't on her own, but then I have to remind myself running a full time business, managing toddlers etc and then hosting someone is not the best idea. I have ADHD and usually get overwhelmed very easily. I also feel a bit like I would be making more work/effort for myself. I also don't want to ask her to come and help, she's made it clear she doesn't want to, and if that's the case I'd rather just let her do her own thing rather than her pretending she wants to (she's a people pleaser so always says yes if you ask). I guess I feel a bit alone. Not really cared about?

But you don't even know or seem to care about why she cancelled. You don't know what she is going through or if she is struggling with something. You criticise her for not reaching out to you, yet you haven't reached out to her because your only concern is for yourself. Can you not see the hypocrisy?

Despite whatever is going on with her, she is still taking your children tonight, and you still made that nasty comment about remembering this if she needs help in the future. Yes, you should remember how you and her son didn't give a damn about her!

You don't have to be to the extreme of anxiety to ask for support. Just a little anxiety, doesn't stop husband going away. I think you have taken this too literally. Husband's gone away, I'm feeling a bit anxious - so he asked his mum if she wanted to help/support us? Asking for support is not nagging. It's okay.

This is what happens when you know very little and big assumptions.

Actually, no. I don't think it's OK to keep asking until people say yes to what you want. She cancelled. You and your husband should have respected that.

I really hate this which is slung at DP or PIL whenever they want to live their own life. They may be dead in the next 10 years. The vast majority of older people won’t need care in their later years and you may well benefit from a huge inheritance. Talk about transactional.

In fact my parent in a care home and my DH hardly sees her. Your DH can pick that one up should it actually arise. Oh hang on he is the person who has already buggered off and left you when you’re anxious.

You are anxious. You are struggling. Maybe she is too? You wouldn’t know because you haven’t picked up the phone and ‘reached out’. And still not questioning your DH’s role in all this.

You are clearly hearing nothing that you don't want to hear.
A 'little anxiety' is meaningless. Grow up and change their nappies yourself.
Your poor MIL. You and her son must be absolute nightmares. Why do you live so close to her? Whose idea was that? Have you ever though how much you are expecting. Now we hear she is forced to come to dinner with you every week as well as look after 2 kids under 3 every week, and endure the 'treats' as well. Or else, wait till you're old, MIL, and then see what's coming.
You should be ashamed, but you won't be. You are entirely self absorbed. I bet she dreads hearing from you.

OP you need to change your expectations on what your MIL can offer you. My mil was similar - was happy to receive gifts and adoration but didn’t really want to give it back in regards to help.

If it was a new relationship I’d suggest getting to know her on a personal level but seems like your a few years in now.

The kids are your and your dh responsibility. Yes raising kids is hard but no one forced you to have them. Either ask your dh to change jobs or get used to the fact you’re on your own with the kids.

In honesty she will see it as it’s doing you a favour. She’s under no obligation to have the kids.

Dont host events or do things if you expect something back in return - some people just don’t give a shit and that will leave you feeling short changed.

The “everyone chips in and helps out” thing.. it’s not for me. I like to be in control of my own life - look after my own children, manage my own problems. I’ve never been one to look for “support”. I just raised the kids I chose to give birth to.

When I joined DPs family, there was a lot of talk about “we help each other out in this family” by mil. What this actually meant was that she constantly required favours from everyone else.

I’m not saying this is you. Just saying, not everyone wants to share the responsibility of each others’ problems.

Also - I can’t wait for my girls to have kids. I’ll have a bedroom set up and have them every weekend if I could.

LOTS of women do not feel like this.. especially if raising their own was a hard slog. They just don’t want do it again which is understandable.

Having toddlers is hard. But when you get your head around ‘this is it - no one is coming to help’ you might feel like it’s time your DH got his arse home and helped out more

I think the thing to take from it is that she is unable to meet you where you are. Take a step back and meet them where they are. Seek help from where you know you will find it. I’ve discovered since I’ve stopped trying to get things from the wrong people I’ve developed deeper relationships with others. All you can do is make sure your own children grow to have the support you wish you had received. I will always be available for my children no matter how old they are because I now how it feels. Put your energy into your little family and change the direction you look for support.

Perhaps she is anxious about having your children alone, while her husband isn’t there? Just as you are about having your own children alone.

Equally, she has done her time of parenting, and would have had her own children alone overnight at various points I am sure. As will you again, in the future. I don’t see why it would occur to her to check in with you, when you will have to get used to doing this?

If you can’t, or don’t want to, or continue to feel anxious, then the issue is between you and their Dad, who has gone away. Not with your MIL.

Having toddlers in your 20s or 30s is hard. Imagine then how hard it is to look after them in your 60s! I love my grandchildren but I’m tired and can no longer run after them, lift them or get up in the night in the way I did 35 years ago.

I don’t feel confident in having more than one without my DH there. And he’d never have two of them on his own. You really have no idea how you will feel or what you will be able to do.

You need stop with all this "you're invalidating my feelings" rubbish. No one is. You feel how you feel, but you are missing that your mil is allowed to feel differently. And how you feel really isn't more important than how she feels - she isn't your personal support human! As much as you might wish it, you don't have an emotionally close relationship. She may or may not like you but she does help out regardless. You'll be much better off if you accept that and stop pushing for more.

Your husband knows you are anxious and he's going away regardless - you need to be directing your attention to this.
If you feel you do have a problem with anxiety then it's Rory's going to the dr, in case there's something wrong, like PND. If it's just wanting a bit of extra support, can you ask a friend to pop round ?

Great!

So did you ask her why she cancelled having the DC this week? I hope she hasn't felt bullied into having them against her wishes.

I will ask again - does your Mum help ?

Is your MIL a loving gran to your DC? Are they happy and safe every Weds? If you called her and said that you'd had a puncture and couldn't get to the DC before nursery closes, would she do everything possible to fetch them for you?

I honestly think you're expecting far too much of her. She does a huge amount for your and her DS. She was persuaded by your DH to take the DC this Weds even though she had to,do you she wouldn't be able to.

Can't you see how ungrateful you seem? Can't you see that this all seems to be about what you want, not her or the DC?

You've said many times that you're not anxious, just a little anxious. So why on earth should it cross her mind to check in with you other than midway through the men's trip away when she has the DC this evening?

You have 2 young ones. You work and have a disabled relative. Maybe she doesn't want to disturb you during a week when you may not feel you've got a moment to,yourself?

Start to think about things from her perspective for a change. You. Ind come to the realisation that she's not as cold and awful as you think she is.

Just as long as you remember that you're modelling to your children how to treat their middle aged and ageing relatives.

If she did call to check in on you and you told her you were feeling anxious, what would you expect her to do with that information. I mean, she could offer sympathy and reassurance and would that be enough? Or would you be wanting her to actually do something? She may be reluctant to call you if she thinks her own plans are going to get sidelined and her time commandeered to assist you.
Try to reassure yourself a little if you can - your children are safe, they are fed and clothed and well. You love them. That really is good enough - mil can't tell you anything that you don't already know deep down

"clairejnelly89 · Today 10:18
When she gets old and needs my help, I'll remember that."

But she is helping you out massively by having two toddlers every week, and you're planning your revenge on her??

Where are your own parents in all of this OP?

I find it fascinating that women are still expected to connect with inlaws in ways that men simply are not. I married my husband, I didn't marry his parents, yet the level of expectation they have laid on me for 37 years used to be a huge issue in my and DH's relationship. It tailed off eventually as they eventually got the message I wasn't interested in spa days, afternoon teas, shopping trips etc with MIL. I don't do these things with my own mother!

I'm in my 60s and find having my toddler DGC exhausting. It's much easier if DH is here. Maybe MIL feels the same as she'd have to cope on her own with two, with her DH being away, or maybe she finds the company of someone who regularly uses phrases such as "you're invalidating my feelings" and who likes to share how anxious they are about perfectly normal parenting, not an attractive prospect.

Perhaps it is just that your father in law is away. My Mum is great but when having my two for a day she likes to know my Dad is there too.

I understand though with no help is full on at 1 and 3. Could you all doing something together one of the days for some support

edit to add - I think on the whole she sounds very good to have them a night a week. Mine are 5 and 3 and have never a night away from parents as I worry it would be a lot for my parents. Maybe she has some personal stuff going on too.

She watches them once a week. That's plenty. Your anxiety does not translate into further obligation for her. Your mental health is your responsibility to deal with. Your children are your responsibility to deal with. Your dh being away all week, which is the heart of the problem IMO, is both of your responsibility to deal with. Stop putting your responsibilities on your mil and be thankful for what she is willing and able to do.

On marriage MIL (it appears FIL are exempt) sole purpose in life is to serve the DIL

She is not a member of your staff and she does not have to account to you for how she spends her free time.

My MIL has had our daughter 3 times in almost 20 months. They bought her a
12 pack of wet wipes for her first birthday. Has never sent a text asking how any of us how we are. I don’t like her let alone her liking me. She isn’t part of our life and makes no effort to be so. I spent years inviting her along for her to just sit in silence or making horrible comments. Sometimes they aren’t worth the effort (and yes this can be reversed).