MIL just doesn't seem to care?

[clairejnelly89]

Rather than speaking to my hubsand, I'm trying to write my thoughts down to rationalise how I'm feeling.Husband away Mon-Fri with his dad/brother. My kids are at nursery during day but just me looking after them morning/night. MIL is at home on her own. Every Wednesday eve she has our little ones. I was feeling relieved knowing this, as I've been anxious about being on my own with them (age 3 and 1). I've always felt she doesn't like me, or there's 'something' not right. Last week I had all the family over and did a bbq, for my MIL birthday. I am also hosting fathers day in a couple of weeks. So I do try to do my bit.Last week, she cancelled having the kids, this week (whilst her husband is away) and the following week, with no explanation. My husband asked if she could do another night, she didn't reply. He left it a few days and asked again, she then said she would have them on Wednesday like normal. My husband replied and expressed his gratitude for helping out. She replied "xx" to his message. It's been 2 days and not heard from her, I suspect I won't hear anything until she has the kids. I find it a bit weird we both live 10-mins away, both "on our own" and no involvement. It's not really very "family-like". I guess I could reach out to her, I was thinking of inviting her over for dinner so she wasn't on her own, but then I have to remind myself running a full time business, managing toddlers etc and then hosting someone is not the best idea. I have ADHD and usually get overwhelmed very easily. I also feel a bit like I would be making more work/effort for myself. I also don't want to ask her to come and help, she's made it clear she doesn't want to, and if that's the case I'd rather just let her do her own thing rather than her pretending she wants to (she's a people pleaser so always says yes if you ask). I guess I feel a bit alone. Not really cared about?

She might find that something of a relief.

Glad it was not just me thinking that. 😉

Even if your husband promised you his mother's services as unpaid nursemaid when you had children, I'm afraid it's not enforceable against her.

That’s a shame, but completely irrelevant here. This woman has her grandchildren once a week over night. Have we even established if she has other GC or caring responsibilities?

She’s doing plenty.

Why isn't your own family supporting you?

@BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop I think what was trying to get at was does she even like her MIL let alone worrying if she likes her?

Your replies aren't linked to anyone's comments, you should either quote whoever you're replying to, or @ tag them.

You sound very sensitive, with all that about having your feelings invalidated. Your feelings are indeed your feelings, other people needn't validate them or otherwise. People are just giving other perspectives that are worth considering because you're determined to read your MIL's actions as not caring when there are a whole load of levels between spa days/balloons on doorstep and not caring. And given that she does help with the kids every week, she's not at the not caring end. There is no one right way to be as a family and your way isn't hers. The more your recalibrate your expectations accordingly, the less you'll be disappointed. It's your DH and his dad who've gone off together. If I was your MIL, I'd be enjoying the freedom and not taking on more responsibility in his absence.

Perhaps you should stop invalidating your MIL’s feeling that she doesn’t want to look after your kids 🙄.

God forbid a woman should have an entire week to herself without having to service either a man or someone's kids. Next thing you know, they'll be wanting the vote and their own bank accounts.

Slightly odd to be aware that your daughter-in-law is anxious about being alone looking after her two grandchildren and not reaching out, regardless of what you have going on

Does she know you're anxious? I think it's out of the ordinary to be anxious about looking after your own 2 children alone.

It wouldn't occur to me that my dil needed me to reach out if her dh was away
and she was home with 2 children. She's more than capable tbh.
She might even think me patronising, or suggesting she couldn't cope.
I never had any parental help either, when mine were little so maybe that plays a part.

She might also have other stuff going on the you don't know about.

I have two under 4 and I'm in the camp of relishing my DH being away (but I understand that wouldn't be the case for everyone) so I would hate other people inserting themselves in to 'help'. Maybe that's what she's conscious of doing?

Yeah, this.

In your situation, it would be my friends I would be off loading on. As I would do for them should they need to talk. Why are you not seeking out your friends here op?

clairejnelly89 · Today 05:05
Slightly odd to be aware that your daughter-in-law is anxious about being alone looking after her two grandchildren and not reaching out, regardless of what you have going on”

No it isn’t. Could be many reasons why, she just doesn’t want to broadcast them.

I wouldn't be willing to care for a 1 and a 3 year old overnight. It’s tough enough as a grandparent with a 3 year old. That in itself is reason enough.

Sorry but I think you are expecting too much.

What is your relationship with MIL like normally. Could it be that she feels you just want her around to hep with childcare rather than caring about her actual presence?
Why are you making such a fuss about looking after your own kids for a few days? Are they especially difficult? You're a grown woman with a business, you must be fairly mature and capable? Or are you disabled and need particular help with something that your DH usually does?

Seriously op. It's fine to dread that your husband is away and acknowledge us till be busy but your level of anxiety of minding your own 2 ( not ten) kids for a few days on your own isn't typical

this, especially as they will be in childcare during work hours. You literally only have to deal with them before and after nursery. Literally what every other parent does every day! Unless there is a drip feed and one of the children is extremely difficult or requires special care.

I wouldn't be willing to care for a 1 and a 3 year old overnight. It’s tough enough as a grandparent with a 3 year old. That in itself is reason enough

Every week as well. I'd be wrecked. It was bad enough when I was 30

I understand that you have a picture of family in your head. It must be tricky that you struggle to cope while your blokes away. If you can't cope then he really shouldn't be leaving you.

Your MIL doesn't want a close relationship with you, you need to stop forcing it. Maybe ask your parents to step in and let her off the hook for a bit. 2 toddlers, especially other people's are hard work. Your bloke making her makes him look like a dick.

Why is this MIL's responsibility? If you are that anxious and can't manage then your DH is the one with the responsibility and should stay home. He can have his leisure trips when the kids are a bit older and you are able to handle it better. It's really a bit unfair he's left you when you find it so hard to cope with it. Maybe she doesn't want two young kids on her own either? She may be anxious about that.

Well I’m late 40s and still work out and my eldest is 28 and is looking at trying for a baby so i can’t see much changing drastically.

My ex mother in law has just turned 70 and has taken on four of her grandchildren - they were about to be put in care. The youngest was 2. She was late 60s when she took them on.

Different people feel different I suppose!

Again with posters making false equivalencies.
Late 40s with no grandchildren is not the same as 60s with regular caring responsibilities for 2. You have no idea how you’ll feel when you have that responsibility.
Taking in children who otherwise would go into care is nothing like looking after them so their mum and dad can get a regular overnight break- it’s an extreme situation. It’s a pretty safe bet that MIL would take in these children if the alternative was care.

You say she should reach out because she knows you're anxious. Many people just don't really know what to do in these situations (sadly). Maybe her having the kids every week is her way of helping out, without directly mentioning your anxiety. Perhaps she's trying to be sensitive and thinks you don't want to talk about it?
Either way, I think she's doing her bit and I'd be grateful for what she does. Yes other people might be more hands on and want to hang out etc but we're all different. Often the Mils who to try and get more involved in their DILs lives are seen as a complete pain in the are on Mumsnet!!

You feel people are invalidating you because you rushed into an emotional tantrum. You have to learn to explore your feelings in a calm way. This is giving ‘I’m running away from home and I’m never coming back and you can’t come to me party’

therapy, you have an extremely rigid idea of family and you have very few coping skills for emotions. Also you can’t seem to see that’s from others perspectives