MIL just doesn't seem to care?

[clairejnelly89]

Rather than speaking to my hubsand, I'm trying to write my thoughts down to rationalise how I'm feeling.Husband away Mon-Fri with his dad/brother. My kids are at nursery during day but just me looking after them morning/night. MIL is at home on her own. Every Wednesday eve she has our little ones. I was feeling relieved knowing this, as I've been anxious about being on my own with them (age 3 and 1). I've always felt she doesn't like me, or there's 'something' not right. Last week I had all the family over and did a bbq, for my MIL birthday. I am also hosting fathers day in a couple of weeks. So I do try to do my bit.Last week, she cancelled having the kids, this week (whilst her husband is away) and the following week, with no explanation. My husband asked if she could do another night, she didn't reply. He left it a few days and asked again, she then said she would have them on Wednesday like normal. My husband replied and expressed his gratitude for helping out. She replied "xx" to his message. It's been 2 days and not heard from her, I suspect I won't hear anything until she has the kids. I find it a bit weird we both live 10-mins away, both "on our own" and no involvement. It's not really very "family-like". I guess I could reach out to her, I was thinking of inviting her over for dinner so she wasn't on her own, but then I have to remind myself running a full time business, managing toddlers etc and then hosting someone is not the best idea. I have ADHD and usually get overwhelmed very easily. I also feel a bit like I would be making more work/effort for myself. I also don't want to ask her to come and help, she's made it clear she doesn't want to, and if that's the case I'd rather just let her do her own thing rather than her pretending she wants to (she's a people pleaser so always says yes if you ask). I guess I feel a bit alone. Not really cared about?

It is perfectly normal to worry how your children will react at such young age being separated from one parent and how it will impact family dynamics.

If MIL likes having children overnight she can offer same level when she know things are more complex ;)

" not adding value" Ghastly mentality.

Hello OP. You’re right. Her disinterest isn’t nice and it’s natural to feel hurt. You seem lovely and there is no way I wouldn’t be trying to be the loveliest MIL for you.

About 15% of people lack the drive for care and connection. It seems your MIL may be part of a group of people who are just cold. This is in now way a reflection of you and all things being equal you two would now be busy building a warm relationship.

I agree you should match the energy. It’s not about pettiness, it’s about not wasting limited resources (A bit like me trying not to mention the absolute VILE responses you’ve had. That 15% I mentioned, about half of them, (so 1 in every 18 people) aren’t just cold they also like hurting fings and people)

London Fox
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It is perfectly normal to worry how your children will react at such young age being separated from one parent and how it will impact family dynamics”

I disagree. My husband worked away from home for years. I was at home with two children (nearly 9 year age gap) so I took in foreign A level students from the local college as I needed to WFH for the little one before it was a thing. So it was me, a 1 year -5 year old old, a 9-13 year old and two 16 year olds for 4 years, with dad at home Saturday and Sunday.
our family dynamic was and still is (they’re 21 and nearly 30 now) lovely.
We’re grandparents now. We have little one (3) 1/2 or 1 day per week during term time depending on our daughter’s university schedule and occasional overnights. Our daughter and her husband don’t expect it and are immensely grateful.

I adore having him but as a fairly fit and healthy 60 year old, that’s all I can reasonably manage (grandad, 65, is disabled so can’t now offer physical help). His other grandparents are 10 years younger than us. They have him a full day every week, all year. They both work full time and that’s all they can physically manage, too.

I really do think that OP is expecting way too much. Dad is away for days, not years!

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About 15% of people lack the drive for care and connection. It seems your MIL may be part of a group of people who are just cold.

Oh for crying out loud, @speakball! cold?! Did you miss the bit where OP said her MIL has both of her kids overnight every week?
Christ, the entitlement from some parents on this thread is bloody unbelievable.

It's OK to ask for help, however it's also OK for the person you asked to say no if they feel they can't or are unable to help. These are your children not hers, maybe your husband should not have gone away if you need the help that badly

What a nasty comment about someone who looks after your children one night a week.
How many parents with young children do you think have this level of support from their inlaws? Give your head a wobble and be grateful for all she does for you!

People that aren't adding value to your life can fuck off... How much would it cost to hire someone to look after two under 3s overnight?? Wonder how the MIL would value the daughter in law and how utterly repulsive to put a value on such things.

And what is a little bit of anxiety anyway? What does that actually mean. It's meaningless.

I'm going to guess what you actually mean is.... I don't want to be left with the kids on my own and I'm passive aggressively going to cause some other crap with your family because I'm annoyed that you've gone on holiday without us but I can't say that due whatever reason... Maybe you go off with your own pals/family so you know how ridiculous you would sound or maybe you are pretending to be this perfect daughter in law.... Who knows.

What I do know is... Your mother in law is amazing to be taking even one of your kids on a weekly basis and the idea you can't see how amazing that is and how lucky you are is quite remarkable and makes you quite the asshole.

"It is perfectly normal to worry how your children will react at such young age being separated from one parent and how it will impact family dynamics”

Ridiculous! I expect dad goes to work and isn't chained to his kids 24/7. He doesn't seem all that concerned at being away from them for a week either.

You don't know why mil cancelled. But the only one who has a duty to op is her partner who's off on a jolly with his male family.
Either he believes she can cope but doesn't want him going or he doesn't care and is forcing mil to do it.

Does not adding value to my life mean not doing what I want when I want? Because that's what it sounds like.

DrHGS · Yesterday 22:25
clairejnelly89 · Yesterday 10:18

“When she gets old and needs my help, I'll remember that.”

What a nasty comment about someone who looks after your children one night a week.
How many parents with young children do you think have this level of support from their inlaws? Give your head a wobble and be grateful for all she does for you!”

Quite. From all you’ve said about your mother in law, OP, I very much doubt that she’ll require your assistance anyway. She sounds perfectly capable of organising professional help for herself.

I feel rather sorry for her. I don’t think I’d be texting you whilst my son was away, either!

OPs DH knew there was arrangement between their family and MIL so she will help.
I would be pissed if I counted on somwones help and person suddenly changed mind.

She might have a good reason that she doesn't want to discuss with people. Someone who reliably looks after their grandchildren doesn't usually just cancel without there being a reason. And if she was a flaky person, then it's not a good idea to rely on her help.

@LondonFox well then you’re just as entitled as OP then.

Somebody helps you every single week and you berate this person when they need a week off- dreadful behaviour. Has it even occurred to you to wonder why she needs the time off?

But MIL does help she has both children overnight once every week... Which obviously could extend to 2 full days night in between. At 1 years old that probably is a pretty sleepless night and exhausting for an older person....the op hasn't said the reason for this other than giving her a break ....most parents don't get a child free night every week.

The op is now getting her one night possible 2 days and a night....she doesn't know why it was cancelled could be that MIL had an appointment like for hospital or doesn't feel safe without FILs support....but she's been blackmailed into it....and op still isn't happy that she has to look after her own children for a 6 nights ....that's hers and her partners problem not the MILs.
The one night is so Dil can rest what parent expects a night off every week and isn't grateful claiming they don't care about me? Who's kids are they?

So if MIL feels unsafe doing it on her own or has received a long awaited hospital appointment for example she should cancel because a grown woman who has agreed to her partner being away for a week only feels able to do it 4 nights not 5....don't you think having a night off every week as a parent is a massive favour you should appreciate not slag someone off for having one week off? Do you know why it was cancelled? It's more unreasonable the partner is off on a lads week knowing op can't cope .....why are you not slagging off him or fil who maybe should be home helping on that one night he's promised every week?

My MiL has always disliked me and never thought I was good enough for her son. She would absolutely cancel something if she felt it looked like helping me and not directly her son. I’m projecting but if my partner was away she would absolutely cancel any support that benefitted me alone. She was pissed he stayed to support me after I gave birth at the hospital and demanded he go home and have some rest! He asked her to help when I was home after a complicated c-section and blood transfusion. She said No and booked a holiday. She won’t help in anyway if that help benefits me. That’s my situation, could be similar.

Still once a week would have been bloody amazing even if the support was for his benefit.

Oh please.
You can easily mention that you have hospital appontment.
MIL did not want to help OP when her son was not there to see how great she is, and quickly jumped back into babysitting when son asked her to do it.
MIL got zero respect or affection for OP and is activelly trying to make her life more difficult when her son is not around.
It is all performative help.

Or maybe because op is ND everything centres around her and empathy and understanding that others needs are also important is lacking so if my needs are not met in the way I demand your horrible....
Very common with ND people. I'm anxious you solve it.

Ahahah I just love MN self proclaimed psychriatists trying to gashlight any woman who dares to set some rules and expectations.

Your take on this, @LondonFox, is absolutely batshit. There's a reason you're pretty much on your own with your line of thinking here.

So your rule ..Mil must be at DILs beck and call 24/7 have no life and independence as she's chained to childcare for a DIL/son who chose kids and can't look after them....are you the poster who said about parents needing to live on baked beans to support their adult children?
Do you have experience of ND are you ND? It can be a constant drip of no they are not unreasonable to say........no they are not saying they won't help but it's not possible this second/ other people have more than you to worry about etc etc.