MIL just doesn't seem to care?

[clairejnelly89]

Rather than speaking to my hubsand, I'm trying to write my thoughts down to rationalise how I'm feeling.Husband away Mon-Fri with his dad/brother. My kids are at nursery during day but just me looking after them morning/night. MIL is at home on her own. Every Wednesday eve she has our little ones. I was feeling relieved knowing this, as I've been anxious about being on my own with them (age 3 and 1). I've always felt she doesn't like me, or there's 'something' not right. Last week I had all the family over and did a bbq, for my MIL birthday. I am also hosting fathers day in a couple of weeks. So I do try to do my bit.Last week, she cancelled having the kids, this week (whilst her husband is away) and the following week, with no explanation. My husband asked if she could do another night, she didn't reply. He left it a few days and asked again, she then said she would have them on Wednesday like normal. My husband replied and expressed his gratitude for helping out. She replied "xx" to his message. It's been 2 days and not heard from her, I suspect I won't hear anything until she has the kids. I find it a bit weird we both live 10-mins away, both "on our own" and no involvement. It's not really very "family-like". I guess I could reach out to her, I was thinking of inviting her over for dinner so she wasn't on her own, but then I have to remind myself running a full time business, managing toddlers etc and then hosting someone is not the best idea. I have ADHD and usually get overwhelmed very easily. I also feel a bit like I would be making more work/effort for myself. I also don't want to ask her to come and help, she's made it clear she doesn't want to, and if that's the case I'd rather just let her do her own thing rather than her pretending she wants to (she's a people pleaser so always says yes if you ask). I guess I feel a bit alone. Not really cared about?

I think your MIL sounds great! I know I wouldn't be rushing over to spend an evening with DIL, much as I think she’s wonderful, because I love alone time. But why do you think, as an older woman she should be looking after your children on her own when you say you’re nervous of looking after them on their own? Why can’t you manage on your own? If there are no disabilities, looking after a couple of your own children isn’t that difficult for a few days surely?

@clairejnelly89 Ive just read your posts and you are quite rude about other people’s way of life and how it’s different from your own. You accuse others who don’t fit in with your idea of ‘faaamily’ of being uncaring and are quite sneery about them. Tbh, if my dil sent a load of balloons on my birthday, I’d find it totally cringe and would go along to spa days to please her not because I’d want to. Yet you see those as big treats. Other posters are giving you different perspectives and you’re being quite nasty. Maybe she doesn’t seek you out because she finds your company and your judgment a bit hard work-but does make an effort with childcare and seeing you all to please her son and his family.

I think this is wise advice!

But where is the evidence that MIL doesn't care? OP said she hasn't heard from her in 2 days - does that mean she doesn't care? I haven't heard from my MIL in a couple of weeks but I know she cares deeply about us! She looks after the children once a week so OP can have a rest. This is a caring act surely?? She could have had a very valid reason for saying she couldn't have the children on those two Wednesdays - maybe something personal, maybe a health concern, maybe exhaustion - who knows? But to say she doesn't care seems unfair to me. If the MIL was calling every day or always popping round, most DILs would be on Mumsnet saying she was driving them mad!

I've only read you posts OP, but have you actually asked for help? I know you said your DH 'mentioned' it but that doesn't mean you've (or he's) asked for help.

Have you got that type of relationship with where you allow yourself to be vulnerable? I had this bit of awkwardness with MIL for the first few years because I've always been really self sufficient and don't like asking for help, which MIL assumed as I didn't want her help, I soon got over it, and we have a great relationship now, but we've both nurtured it, it sounds like you've never got to the point where you can be completely comfortable with each other and I always think when one person is tied in to something (like having the kids once a week, every week) they start top feel a bit put upon and that can make having a relationship with them outside of that a bit difficult.

I don't think your communication is helped by the fact that it all goes through your DH, maybe ring her up and have a chat with her and see if she is still okay having them every week?

Agreed. The OP seems to think because her MIL doesn't act in the way she wants her to that she doesn't care. She acted the same way when posters didn't say what she wanted them to. She seems to be rigid in her thinking.

Maybe that's putting MIL off or maybe it's perfectly normal that MIL is having a rest while her own husband is away. I certainly would be 🤣

But isn't she helping you by having the kids or did you ask her for some other help?

If you need support I'm not sure it's on your MIL to provide it, what about your husband? Do you not have any other support?

YABVU

You need therapy op, your expectations and reactions as to when they are not met to your requirements is not normal and neither is the level of anxiety in regard to solo parenting ( with lots of help already ) your children.

Leave your poor MIL alone.

Sorry but you are anxious about being left on your own with your own kids🤷.... Sorry, but maybe the most entitled thread I've read. Where's your own family? Where's all your friends. Let me guess... You've got them taking the kids the other 4 nights?

I think where it's going wrong for you op, is you are considering at length your own feelings, your own mental health, your own problems; and claiming sanctimoniously that you would do what it is you require for family, because that's what families do and you're so lovely. And yet, you're not at all. You are not considering at all your mils feelings, her mental health, her own problems. Just you. It's incredibly self absorbed. What if for her mental health she wanted to be left alone this week for example? You didn't allow that and harassed her till she did what you wanted.

Ahhh edit!! I didn't mean you're not lovely, I meant you're not considering your mils feelings in all of this. Sorry.

I have a dear friend who is single and a gym bunny and just 60. She can no longer have her 2 GCs aged 1 and 3 alone. It's simply too much for her. It was ok when the younger one wasn't mobile, but now she is, it's too much. And she is a really fit 60 year old. My own mother who did loads for me whilst I worked many years ago would only have one at a time until they were a lot older, and also only when my Dad was there to help out. It's a lot for an older person. How old is your MIL?

I’m also astounded that your MIL has 2 under 3’s every week! No one would have my two that young except in dire emergencies. Not either set of parents wanted to or felt comfortable to- they had their own things going on and liked to have the week to themselves not be tied down to looking after kids.
was hard work but I chose to have kids so it’s up to them if they want to help!
Maybe you MIL just doesn’t want to look after 2 young kids on a regular basis!!?

Yeh, sorry, I agree with everyone else, it sounds like she does a lot. How often does your father in law look after the kids? Or your mum? Or dad? Or your husband? If you're needing more support it seems a bit unfair to blame the only person who does seem to be helping you for not enthusiastically doing even more!

I think perhaps being ND is coming into it a little. My partner is ND and he can’t really consider my feelings. It’s difficult thinking differently to others. Sometimes I think it can be traumatic growing up with a ND and feeling not accepted and not understood, it can lead to feelings of not being liked not always being able to read situations. It’s a shame you can’t speak to your partner in a way that won’t sound like an attack of his mum. I have requested a referral to see if I’m ND. I have to admit I often think people don’t like me. I do forget others have their own issues and feelings which is not a reflection of me. I find the whole thing complicated and end up not wanting anyone. It would be a shame to not find out what’s really happening. What your in-laws are happy and not happy to do. Them not being able to meet your needs is quite possibly nothing to do with you and about them.

I'll correct your title for you, OP: "MIL has a fantastic, independent life. I wish I could be more like her".

What does having a fantastic independent life have to do with having a close relationship. You can be independent and text and ask and take an interest in your family and still be living it up.

Perhaps MIL knows that if she does just check in she'll be roped or guilted into more help.

@TomatoSandwiches how do we know that. I know in my own case my in laws don’t text to ask about their granddaughter ever and I don’t ask for any help despite biting off their hand if they ever asked. Sometimes the other party just don’t want to know. I have only recently accepted this myself having thought it must have been something to do with me.

Last week I had all the family over and did a bbq, for my MIL birthday. I am also hosting fathers day in a couple of weeks.
I'd find this amount of group socialising tiring with weekly childcare on top.

I like my children's partners, but I wouldn't want to hang around with them without my children. A spa day with them would be torture :) If I heard that one of them was feeling a bit stressed about being alone, I would feel uncomfortable about intruding on them, when I know that they have friends and blood relatives they would probably feel less awkward about having over. I wouldn't want to add to their stress by inviting myself over as a guest they had to play host to. I also wouldn't want to act as if they were frail and incapable and needed someone to check they were OK because their partner was away for a few days. I'd be worried about coming over as patronising.

My family sounds different to yours, OP. I grew up with very hands-off parents. So yes, I might have very different expectations to you. I'd think to myself "She'd probably rather not spend too much time with me, as we are so different".

But who knows what's going on with your MIL. Maybe this. Maybe something else. Maybe she has not been well, and doesn't want to reveal private details. Maybe she's spending the week partying with her mates.

@Simplefoke " how do we know that? " well how about they've asked MIL after she's cancelled, that's really poor form, rude actually. If MIL was genuinely up for it then she would have either not cancelled or cancelled Wednesday night and offered a different night to make up for it.

MIL doesn't even have to phone OP to check in on OP for pressure to be put on her. OP and her husband do that without even checking why MIL cancelled! If anyone is being selfish and uncaring here it is OP and her husband.

Female family members are not staff or emotional support humans for any and everyone at all times and sometimes they need to look after themselves.

I think there are a lot of assumptions being made. Communication on all sides seems lacking. I’d get so confused personally. I’d want straight up talk. People pleasing on the MIL side is also unhelpful because people depend on what you offer. Not sure if the help was forced, don’t know them personally.

Oh please.
There is always at least one self proclaimed psychiatrist on every MN thread about mum and children trying to gashlight mum!

Staying alone with baby and toddler is very different than having partner to share load.
Some children at 1y old still have terrible sleeap. Many todddlers get difficult when one parent leaves them.
It is very normal to worry how your children and home dynamics will be in such case.
Obviously children will survive, but some mothers want their children to actually be happy and relaxed. It is not so difficult concept ffs!

OP you care too much about MIL.
If ahe cannot be bothered to offer help for her grandchildren,you 100% don't need to organise anything for her ever.
People that are not adding value to your life can just fuck off.

People that are not adding value to your life can just fuck off”

Not adding value? @LondonFox
MIL has both kids overnight once every week.

Jesus, some people expect way too much from grandparents. They’ve done their bit.

No, it’s not normal to be anxious about looking after your own kids for a few days.