MIL just doesn't seem to care?

[clairejnelly89]

Rather than speaking to my hubsand, I'm trying to write my thoughts down to rationalise how I'm feeling.Husband away Mon-Fri with his dad/brother. My kids are at nursery during day but just me looking after them morning/night. MIL is at home on her own. Every Wednesday eve she has our little ones. I was feeling relieved knowing this, as I've been anxious about being on my own with them (age 3 and 1). I've always felt she doesn't like me, or there's 'something' not right. Last week I had all the family over and did a bbq, for my MIL birthday. I am also hosting fathers day in a couple of weeks. So I do try to do my bit.Last week, she cancelled having the kids, this week (whilst her husband is away) and the following week, with no explanation. My husband asked if she could do another night, she didn't reply. He left it a few days and asked again, she then said she would have them on Wednesday like normal. My husband replied and expressed his gratitude for helping out. She replied "xx" to his message. It's been 2 days and not heard from her, I suspect I won't hear anything until she has the kids. I find it a bit weird we both live 10-mins away, both "on our own" and no involvement. It's not really very "family-like". I guess I could reach out to her, I was thinking of inviting her over for dinner so she wasn't on her own, but then I have to remind myself running a full time business, managing toddlers etc and then hosting someone is not the best idea. I have ADHD and usually get overwhelmed very easily. I also feel a bit like I would be making more work/effort for myself. I also don't want to ask her to come and help, she's made it clear she doesn't want to, and if that's the case I'd rather just let her do her own thing rather than her pretending she wants to (she's a people pleaser so always says yes if you ask). I guess I feel a bit alone. Not really cared about?

But she is chipping and helping you by having them overnight once a week, that's way beyond what most grandparents offer!
You can't expect her to be at your beck & call, why isn't your DH checking in on you by phone call? Why an earth did he fuck off for a week knowing you're struggling to cope & anxious?
You don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

have feelings, so do not invalidate them. Probably been times in your life when you have struggled as a mum. Nobody is perfect. I feel like because she is aware I was anxious and hasn't reached out, that's odd to me. If I had this knowledge I would at least reach out.

Err this. Why does another female need to step up, rather than their actual father?

Don't bother.
Find a nanny.

Have you reached out to her?

People are being unduly harsh in this thread. It is perfectly normal for parents to struggle looking after two little ones on their own. OP didn't say she was incapable, just that she was a little anxious about it. I don't think it helps to demonise OP for having very common feelings about parenthood. I know my kids overwhelm me at times, it happens to us all.

I think you are displacing your upset a little bit - yes it would be nice if your mil was a friend to you, or like a second mum, but this isn't who she is. So hold back on spa days and trying to force a bond. She does help you though and I think you have to accept that she isn't obliged to and that really it's your husband who ought not to be leaving you to it and who should be filling any gaps.

It is hard having kids but in the nicest possible way that's what you chose you can't rely on others to give you a break.

As a fellow ADHDer I suspect the root cause of your issue with your MIL are rejection sensitivity dysphoria. This is something you need to learn to manage and you need to develop your own support networks. It isn’t your MILs responsibility to support you with your mental health.

Does mil usually look after the children with fil? If so, with fil away maybe she doesn’t feel so confident, especially as they’re young.

I think you’re overthinking this a little. She does help out, and her cancelling is probably nothing personal to you.

Also, I can’t see anything in your post indicating she doesn’t care. Yes, she hasn’t volunteered to have them 24/7, but they’re your kids not hers. You say that you're nervous about looking after your kids all the time, so you can imagine how she feels.

It's impossible to fully understand the dynamics of a relationship from a few posts on MN, but from what you've written, I get the feeling it's not you wanting to be part of your MILs life, it's that you want her to be more supportive to you.

I could be very wrong. I'm sure I am. But is it possible that she interprets your relationship in the same way, ie that the hosting and the gifts are transactional in return for the support she gives you by way of weekly childcare.

If I were you, I'd give her a call for a chat. Not for any other purpose than to catch up with her news and fill her in on what you've been up to, the kids have been doing etc.

You've got a lot on your plate. Maybe she doesn't want to be seen to be interfering or intrusive?

That's not what I'm bothered about. It bothers me, she knew I was anxious but didn't reach out to see if I'm ok. Please don't invalidate my feelings, whether I chose to have kids or not is irrelevant, I'm feeling how I'm feeling.

I did nice things for around 7yrs before we had kids, so it definitely isn't transactional. I actually enjoy cooking for others and doing nice things.

She knew I was anxious and hasn't reached out - that's the bit that bothers me, not so much about the kids as she's having them tonight.

Your MIL has two very young babies on her own once a week. That’s quite a lot.
given you yourself as someone much younger and who is their mum, finds 4-5 days a week overwhelming.
youre expecting more from her than that, like a partner, in absence of your dh. If you need more support it can’t come from her, because she doesn’t want to or isn’t able to give it. Genuinely I think she’s doing enough. And it seems like she says yes to anything you want? What weekly time consuming task do you do for her and your parents?
And just because you are enduring being alone, doesn’t mean that’s how she sees her life either.
I think you’re placing your anxieties and stress on another woman tbf op.

That is not your MIL fault, she will never do right by you

Does your own Mum help ?

Maybe she is sick of having them every week. 2 under 5 is hard work when older.
If you are so anxious about looking after your own children then seek professional help. Stop focusing on your mil . She obviously can't always have them every week . You will have to cope at somepoint

But you don't seem remotely bothered about the fact that she cancelled having the kids and your DH pushed her into doing it anyway.

Why should she reach out to you when it seems you're only really interested in her providing you with childcare?

But expecting people to 'reach out' is awful. So needy and demanding. She doesn't want to. She maybe doesn't want the surprises on birthdays etc. I wouldn't. I would find it intrusive. Especially from someone I don't like much. I would think they were doing it for them, not me.
I suggest that you should consider the person she is, not the person you think she ought to be. And accept that you are you, and she is herself, and you are not bound together. You didn't chose her, you chose her son and she didn't choose you, she liked someone else more, and that's how it is.
You don't even realise how much she does for you already. Someone else's one and three year old for any length of time is a huge gift.

I do think your DH was very unfair to put pressure on his Mum to take your DC. I would be very unimpressed if my son did that .

Do we have the same mother in law? I’m in the same position. They 10 mins away and do nothing, practically have to be begged to see their grand daughter but then dote on their others. It’s been getting me down and I posted on here and it really hit a nerve. All the time and energy thinking about what’s going on and they probably thinking nothing about us. I’ve pulled back big time, I now expect exactly zero from them. It’s sad but they clearly don’t care.

She’s helping out loads already by having your kids one evening a week, every week.

A 1 and 3 year old who are at nursery all day is not that hard by most people’s standards. It’s just being a parent tbh.

I’m very close to my MIL and I wouldn’t expect her to “reach out” to me because she knows I’m “feeling anxious”.

You are giving off a weird vibe in these posts. I don’t think your MIL has done anything wrong.

Maybe, just maybe, she has her own life and you’re not at the forefront of her mind?

Maybe she’s miffed that DH and DSs have gone off and she’s left at home? Maybe she’s delighted and thought, as DH wasn’t here to help, that she’d get the week off?

You are transferring your problems on to her. You are clearly an emotional and giving person, but she may just express herself in a different way - offering practical and not emotional support.

In all of your posts you haven’t addressed why your DH thought it was a good idea to go off with ‘the men’ and leave his anxious wife.

Enjoy the support DMIL does give and stop expecting her to be you. And sort out DH.

It just comes across like you have different styles of expressing love, OP, but you seem to be determined to write her off as a selfish weirdo.
These threads that descend into “well, I MUST be a nice person, and everybody else and their families must cold and heartless” never end well for the OP, it might be an idea for you to consider some of the comments and take them on board.