MIL just doesn't seem to care?

[clairejnelly89]

Rather than speaking to my hubsand, I'm trying to write my thoughts down to rationalise how I'm feeling.Husband away Mon-Fri with his dad/brother. My kids are at nursery during day but just me looking after them morning/night. MIL is at home on her own. Every Wednesday eve she has our little ones. I was feeling relieved knowing this, as I've been anxious about being on my own with them (age 3 and 1). I've always felt she doesn't like me, or there's 'something' not right. Last week I had all the family over and did a bbq, for my MIL birthday. I am also hosting fathers day in a couple of weeks. So I do try to do my bit.Last week, she cancelled having the kids, this week (whilst her husband is away) and the following week, with no explanation. My husband asked if she could do another night, she didn't reply. He left it a few days and asked again, she then said she would have them on Wednesday like normal. My husband replied and expressed his gratitude for helping out. She replied "xx" to his message. It's been 2 days and not heard from her, I suspect I won't hear anything until she has the kids. I find it a bit weird we both live 10-mins away, both "on our own" and no involvement. It's not really very "family-like". I guess I could reach out to her, I was thinking of inviting her over for dinner so she wasn't on her own, but then I have to remind myself running a full time business, managing toddlers etc and then hosting someone is not the best idea. I have ADHD and usually get overwhelmed very easily. I also feel a bit like I would be making more work/effort for myself. I also don't want to ask her to come and help, she's made it clear she doesn't want to, and if that's the case I'd rather just let her do her own thing rather than her pretending she wants to (she's a people pleaser so always says yes if you ask). I guess I feel a bit alone. Not really cared about?

I do get sad reading these threads at just how disconnected society has become, it’s become very selfish. It’s supposed to take a village to raise a child. It’s become so very isolating for mothers and increasingly judgmental, I have the deepest of sympathy. It’s so hard to struggle alone, it’s even worse to reach out and still be left to struggle alone.

Maybe she is living her own life. I am retired and have a busy social life . I am not a Grandmother yet but do see how friends end up being roped into regular childcare arrangements and feel restricted by them.

I really don't know where the 'it takes a village' nonsense came from. But it's rubbish. There never was a village. Nobody is going to swoop down and care for anyone else's kids, and never did. Grandparents nowadays are probably still working. Often caring for their own parents. They probably don't want spa days and balloons on doorsteps and afternoon tea. Not at the price of being 'reached out' to on demand.

Your kids, your responsibility. Your mil has already raised her kids. And why would you have kids if you can’t cope with them on your own. Because in real life, people can become single parents through no choice if their own you know.

I am coping, I said I was a little anxious. I didn't say I was unable. Just be nice to have someone close to you check-in on you, see how you are.

So you keep saying.

When do you ever check in on her?

i say this kindly, just get on with it. she doesnt have to check in on you as nice as it may be.

You are just invalidating my feelings, saying that I shouldn't feel this way. You see in life, people get upset/hurt over all different things. I'm sure in your life you have had times when things have upset you. We aren't all the same. I love my kids so much, I'm glad I had them. Sometimes it's hard work. Be nice to get a message when they know your a little anxious to see if you are ok. I think that's a normal expectation

I did this for 7yrs before having kids.

I have a good relationship with my MIL and we love each other, but I wouldn't expect her to "reach out" to me because I was "anxious". That's what my husband and my actual friends are for.

You're doing that childish thing where you've set a secret test ("If she's a good MIL she'll do exactly what I want her to do when DH is away without me actually asking her") which she is inevitably going to fail, because you haven't told her that it doesn't matter that she has your DC every week even when she doesn't want to, she has to also read your mind.

This is why I don’t like people @clairejnelly89. It’s all good till they need something themselves. It’s supposed to be a family, connected and loving. Giving when it’s needed and taking when you need it. It’s like it’s gone. I don’t get any of it. I’m also ND so perhaps I just don’t understand how harsh and stark it’s supposed to be.

still doesnt mean she is obliged to check in on you tho. its up to you and your husband to raise your kids, the mil already does far more than most

If you knew a family member was anxious, would you at the very least maybe just drop a text or quick call at some point? Nobody is forcing her to have the kids, we asked out of needing support. It's ok to ask for help when you need it!!!!

I don't get it either. Tbh shocked at all these messages on here. Like society says we are no longer allowed to ask for support when we need it? Doesn't it take courage to ask for help when you are overwhelmed? I should at the bare minimum be able to ask my MIL to have help with kids one evening when my husbands away, it's not like i'm asking because i'm off galavanting on a night out, i'm genuinely asking for support.

she owes you nothing, please leave her be. she already provides you with childcare. otherwise, you would have had to pay someone to look after your kids or heaven forbid, do so your own selves. no one is obliged to check up on you or provide you with free childcare whether you are anxious or not. and it may be time to get some help from your gp for the anxiety.

So you'd expect your husband and friends to reach out to you? Isn't it funny how we are OK to put expectations on some people, but not others. Have expectations of friends, but not family.

I think we can have a conversation without you having to throw insults too.

You're right, she doesn't. Wow - doesn't that speak volumes. Imagine, when she's old and in a care home, I didn't check in on her.....

You know the two of you aren't emotionally close. You know she's already helping you out practically because you basically bullied her into it even after she said no. Why are you so obsessed that she has to do this very specific thing because you're anxious about caring for your own DC? Not your husband, not your best friend, but your MIL?

You don't have that kind of a relationship with her. That doesn't make her a bad awful person. If you really must have emotional support about this, ask for it from someone you do have that kind of relationship with.

At least once a week thank you. Invite them over for dinner etc.

Does that mean you stop supporting people who ask for help when they need it?

Anxious about caring for the children you decided to have? It's called being a parent

if you need help and support, get professional help. some people dump on others all the time as a result of needing help and support and end up sucking them dry of joy.

No I wouldn't. 'A little anxious' means 'look at me.' I'd think 'grow up' and also, 'I am also anxious, and not a little. Very anxious that you are going to demand even more of my than I want to give.'
Of course you are forcing her to have the kids. She said she didn't want them. And your husband, knowing, as you know, that she finds it difficult to say, 'no', made her do it.
You shouldn't 'ask out of needing support'. It's not 'ok to ask for help when you need it'. It's unfair. It's emotional blackmail.

Neve, ever leave your kids with someone who doesn't want them unless you are paying for that privilege.
You need to treat your poor MIL with infinitely more respect and infinitely less self indulgent unwanted 'treats'.

You and her son are exploiting her. And what you should 'remember when she's old' is that you already owe her if she never does another thing.
It doesn't 'take a village'. It takes responsible adult parenting.

If you're that anxious, your husband should have stayed home instead of nagging his mother to help you - even after she said no.