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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has planned a secret meeting/ walk with an unknown woman.

230 replies

NC1258 · 01/06/2024 16:11

Have name changed for this, and please be kind, I feel all over the place.

Found out from DH's PC that he's planning on meeting another woman at a private, secluded venue for a chat and a walk. He's already told me he's doing something totally different at their agreed day/time - so lying already.

This has happened before with the same woman in the past. Previoulsy, I had expressed my concerns when I had again found out by pure chance after overhearing an hour long intense chat - the kind of raw converstaion you'd have with your best friend or partner, not some random person who means nothing to you.

I said I didn't feel a man and a woman could just be friends, especially as neither the other woman or my husband wish us to meet. Further, the conversation which I overheard although not romantic was not one you'd have with a standard friend or aqaintance and already I felt marriage boundaries were being if not crossed venturing into vulnerable waters.

Do any of your husbands have such female confidant type friends that they want to meet up with for secluded walks and chats that you don't have any contact with yourself? I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

(And yes I know I shouldn't have looked at his PC, but he's been behaving very odd the last few weeks and the screen was open with her name near the top - meaning recent converstaion).

OP posts:
Haggisfish3 · 01/06/2024 16:12

My dh has close female friend but he would tell me he was planning on meeting them. I would trust your gut and leave tbh. He doesn’t sound trustworthy in the slightest.

TheSnowyOwl · 01/06/2024 16:14

He is lying about the meeting so that tells you there is more to it.

Ciderlout · 01/06/2024 16:14

It’s a no from me OP. Trust your gut. He’s already lied about the meet up.

NC1258 · 01/06/2024 16:15

Haggisfish3 · 01/06/2024 16:12

My dh has close female friend but he would tell me he was planning on meeting them. I would trust your gut and leave tbh. He doesn’t sound trustworthy in the slightest.

Thank you for replying, have you met your husband's friend? Just wondering if I'm being overly sensitive because I have never met her after many years?

OP posts:
vidflex · 01/06/2024 16:15

My dh is currently out paddle boarding with his female friend. They like to go rambling too. But the difference is I'm not being kept from her. The honesty is there. They are both coming back here this evening and we will eat together and she stays the night. Good firm friends since school.

It's the fact he's lying that would make me kick off

OssieShowman · 01/06/2024 16:16

Can you turn up there? You are not being overly sensitive.
The trust has gone.

NC1258 · 01/06/2024 16:18

OssieShowman · 01/06/2024 16:16

Can you turn up there? You are not being overly sensitive.
The trust has gone.

My daughter has a medical appointment at exactly the same time. Otherwise, I was wondering if I should do that. But I can't. She's in pain and they've managed to fit her in.

OP posts:
Everythingiscalmfornow · 01/06/2024 16:20

If he is lying over this meeting then goodness knows what else he is lying about.
Horrible for you OP, especially as you must be worried about your daughter.

samestyle · 01/06/2024 16:20

I would confess you know about it, it's not innocent if he's lying about it.

maudelovesharold · 01/06/2024 16:20

Could it be a bit of a ‘catch 22’ situation? You don’t approve because he’s lying about it (and therefore you naturally think there’s more to it). but he may be lying about it because he thinks you won’t approve?

NC1258 · 01/06/2024 16:22

maudelovesharold · 01/06/2024 16:20

Could it be a bit of a ‘catch 22’ situation? You don’t approve because he’s lying about it (and therefore you naturally think there’s more to it). but he may be lying about it because he thinks you won’t approve?

That's what I'm wondering to be honest. When I got upset before, he said I was being controlling for saying I felt uncomfortable him having an intense converstaion/ friendship with a woman I had never met. I'd like to think I'm not controlling and wish him to be happy and have friends. But it's all so secretive.

OP posts:
Campestris · 01/06/2024 16:23

Sounds like he is having an emotional affair at the very least.

NC1258 · 01/06/2024 16:23

In the past when I've had close male friends, I always ensured that I met their wife and they met my husband so nobody felt uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 01/06/2024 16:24

If it was innocent, he wouldn't hide it, lie about it. Simples.
If nothing has happened - it means 'not yet'.
Think you should say it straight - either he cuts her dead, or he goes.
The only other option is you accept him seeing someone else and choose to turn a blind eye

NC1258 · 01/06/2024 16:24

Campestris · 01/06/2024 16:23

Sounds like he is having an emotional affair at the very least.

Yes that is how I see it. That's why I raised it last time. But he didn't like me saying that. Telling me I'm the one he loves.

OP posts:
NC1258 · 01/06/2024 16:25

Thank you everyone for all your replies. I really needed some sisters to chat with. I don't have anyone. My life's been all about the children for so long. Both have SEN - so it's all consuming.

OP posts:
PossumintheHouse · 01/06/2024 16:25

What's their reason for refusing to let you all meet? It sounds dodgy as OP, and I wouldn't tolerate it. I'd be bringing this up with him right now. Tell him you know and demand answers.

CammoMammo · 01/06/2024 16:27

I have very close male friends. I have to see them in secret because DH decides who I am allowed to be friends with. He is very jealous and controlling.

NC1258 · 01/06/2024 16:27

He's currently out with some male friends for the day/evening. I know the men, they came by earlier to pick him up, So nothing untoward there. I'll have to broach this with him carefully as it's exam season in the house. Don't want to upset the kids.

OP posts:
DaftyLass · 01/06/2024 16:27

Regardless of his intentions, he has made you feel disconcerted, worried and anxious, and that isn't good.
Open communication is everything, I'd sit him down and have a very honest talk.

hendoop · 01/06/2024 16:28

The friendship isn't the problem, the deceit is

fatphalange · 01/06/2024 16:29

You've caught him cheating.

NC1258 · 01/06/2024 16:29

CammoMammo · 01/06/2024 16:27

I have very close male friends. I have to see them in secret because DH decides who I am allowed to be friends with. He is very jealous and controlling.

Thank you for your reply. I really do appreciate hearing another side too. I really don't want to be jealous or controlling. I think a public coffee shop would be more easy for me. Whereas a private, secluded venue makes me worry more. I'm don't think I wouldn't be jealous or worried if we all knew eachother. But she's firmly never been brought into our circle.

OP posts:
marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 01/06/2024 16:29

He'll probably blame you for his lies, but that'll be another lie. He's lying as he has something he wants to hide.

C1N1C · 01/06/2024 16:30

Tough one... it could be him cheating, but it could also be completely innocent.

I'm a man, and I have done the 'innocent' version of this myself. I was once in a relationship with a jealous partner. I had a female friend, and neither of us had any interest in the other, but continued conversations, meeting up etc caused my partner at the time to get jealous. It caused arguments, and eventually, it got to the point of me lying to that partner so that I could see this friend.

If you have raised your concerns before then he already realises that mentioning her is going to cause issues. Regardless of whether it's innocent or not, he's not going to tell you now.

Don't get me wrong, lying to a partner is always wrong... but if you know that telling the truth is going to cause arguments and concerns, then omissions can be justified as being nicer/safer.