Husband has planned a secret meeting/ walk with an unknown woman.

[NC1258]

Have name changed for this, and please be kind, I feel all over the place.

Found out from DH's PC that he's planning on meeting another woman at a private, secluded venue for a chat and a walk. He's already told me he's doing something totally different at their agreed day/time - so lying already.

This has happened before with the same woman in the past. Previoulsy, I had expressed my concerns when I had again found out by pure chance after overhearing an hour long intense chat - the kind of raw converstaion you'd have with your best friend or partner, not some random person who means nothing to you.

I said I didn't feel a man and a woman could just be friends, especially as neither the other woman or my husband wish us to meet. Further, the conversation which I overheard although not romantic was not one you'd have with a standard friend or aqaintance and already I felt marriage boundaries were being if not crossed venturing into vulnerable waters.

Do any of your husbands have such female confidant type friends that they want to meet up with for secluded walks and chats that you don't have any contact with yourself? I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

(And yes I know I shouldn't have looked at his PC, but he's been behaving very odd the last few weeks and the screen was open with her name near the top - meaning recent converstaion).

@NC1258
What is his reason for you to never have met his 'friend'?

To be honest, I don't think that is necessary. I have close male friends who have not met DH, and I wouldn't dream of cheating on him. The difference, though, is that he knows about them and I don't feel the need to hide our conversations from him.

@Kelly51 He's never arranged it. Never wanted it. I'm tied to the home 99.9% of the time due to two SEN children (one had to be homeschooled so I really do have my hands full), but I wouldn't mind going out once in awhile. She's just been kept separate.

Apologies if I'm completely misinterpreting you, but it sounds very much like you are carrying all the weight of the family on your own - you are the one whose career has suffered, you are the one managing the SEN and exam season and medical commitments. He's maintaining his career and a fairly active social life. He should be supporting you and showing appreciation for what you do, not swanning off with his mates and lying to you. That's appalling even if he isn't actually cheating with this woman - which he very well may be. Either way, he's not being honest and he's not being fair.

Thank you for seeing me. Just trying to soldier through all this. 🌷

He probably does love you but it doesn't mean he's not up to something with this woman, or hoping for something to happen. You have to talk to him. Tell him you feel there is more to it and honesty is importer so if you tells you everything you'll be able to accept it.

The dump him if he loves her.

Why are you still with him?

This is no way to live 😔

On the day of their "date", wake up and say you have a bug and can't take your DD to her hospital appointment, so he'll need to.

If he loves you and his child and this OW isn't top of his priority list, he should be fine to drop any other plans he has to stop his kid being in pain. If he tries to convince you that you're well enough to take her, &/or that you can change the appointment etc, then he's obviously a bastard and you and your DD are no where near the top of his priorities.

@S00tyandSweep Someone else suggested that earlier (feign illness to get him to go to the medical app) and I have given that some serious thought. I think he'd take her to the appointment which is local and won't take long and then probably postpone the meeting by an hour and still meet OW if I say nothing. So, somehow it's looking like I need to talk to him. Which is scary. Because I don't like confrontations. He doesn't like being told anything other than positivity and he's unlikely to be quiet about it which'll impact on the kids - one's in exam season and the other is going through a moody/oppositional phase. But I really do appreciate everyone's ideas.

My friend's husband had a female friend he was meeting for local walks in forests, to explore the history of the area and blog about it.
They spent their walks together shagging their brains out.

Use yours, OP.

He's cheating.

He accused me of cheating in the past only this week. Which really upset me, as I've said before on this thread, with two SEN children I'm tied 99.9% to the home/kids!

I think a coffee shop would be a much more "innocent" place to meet. Then, apart from the lying" it could pass for two friends just catching up.
Meeting at a very quiet golf course where your DH is not known smacks of secrecy and a great need for privacy.

Massive projection... this is not looking good. I'm so sorry @NC1258

How long has he known this woman? Is she single?

@cansu I think he's known her a couple of years only. I have no idea if she's single or not. :-(

DH best friend is a woman, they often go out together.

Like others have said though, I'm not being kept from her. I think she's great.

He keeps you away from her, wasn't even going to tell you about her (you found out by chance)

He's had at least one long, emotional conversation with her

He's meeting her without telling you

He lied about where he was going

He won't listen to you about problems because he only wants to hear "positive" things

He's accused YOU of infidelity even though you're almost permanently tied to the house and full-on childcare. (red flag)

This doesn't sound good. It sounds like a man who is emotionally withdrawing from his wife and is at least emotionally attached to another woman.

My DH has close female friend who he often meets up with to talk to. Half the time we meet her together (and I like her) but sometimes he meets her without me, if he wants a confidant (they both share similar mental health experiences). But he'll always tell me when he's meeting her so there's no and never has been trust issues. The secretive part of your situation is dodgy. It may be nothing untoward but I'd be concerned he's being untruthful

How did they meet each other? Are you able to do a bit of online research to find out some more about her?

I'm sorry you have this worry on your hands op.

If it were me I'd start to do a bit more digging before I asked him anything. Especially if he's likely to lie or project onto you.

I'd check bank records, phone records, emails whatever I could get my hands on to see if there is more to this.

Once you've done that then I think you need to sit down with him and explain very clearly your concerns. You're both in a marriage where a lot of your time and attention is needed for your children. How much time do you actually get as a couple? I'd explain that the secrecy around this is making you feel very insecure and the fact he has blatantly lied to you about it is unacceptable. If he is adamant she is just a friend and you believe what he's telling you then I think you need to agree some boundaries that you're both comfortable with, for example I'd want to meet her, I'd want full transparency about when they're meeting and I'd want it to be in public places. Ultimately he's caused the issue here by lying to you and now he needs to be prepared to accept that there will be consequences to that. I'd also want to see him putting more effort into your relationship with him and I'd consider marriage counselling to help you both reconnect.

Ultimately though op, that very much depends on what he says and what he does next. I understand you don't want to blow your family apart but you're not the one doing that. Accusing you of an affair sounds like gaslighting and projection. I think you need to look more into this because I think it sounds like there might be more to this.

Do you know how he met this woman in the first place? Sorry if I missed that.

Agree with @CocoapuffPuff

this smacks of cheating OP

i get you need to keep things nice for exam season. sigh I’m an SEN mum too I get you need to put your kids first and they take up most of your time!

Can you chat with him at any time when the kids are out of earshot?

my DP has a close female friend. I’ve met her, they text. They see each other occasionally. But there is no meeting in secret at secluded places. Or lengthy emotional chats.
to second what’s already been said this is emotional cheating at the very least, and if it’s physical you have your sexual health to think of

I’m sure you are doing a great job as a mum OP keep your head up! This man obviously doesn’t deserve you.

Of course this doesn't look good.
Your DH is a sneak and a liar
Tell him not to come back.

It would be a bit like being in the Famous Five or Secret Seven, only…..bigger!

@Lavender14 you have some very good advice here, get your facts straight and evidence before any confrontation. Then you can be prepared and have the upper hand when you do come to have it out with him.
How he met this woman in the first place is a very good question!

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sounds miserable and lonely for you. This post of yours really stood out for me. It sounds like you'd be prepared to turn a blind eye to whatever he is doing, for the sake of the kids, for whom you've already sacrificed so much. If so, that's fine if you can put up with it, but you might want to prepare for the fact that he might not feel the same about preserving the family unit and will at some point leave you for this woman, if he is as attached to her as it seems he is. Then where will you be? I'd be digging as much as possible to find out who she is and what he's doing with her. It's your future at risk here, try to get some power back. And he should be sharing the kid burden too, so you're not a prisoner in your own home. Can you take steps to get some independence back?