Husband has planned a secret meeting/ walk with an unknown woman.

[NC1258]

Have name changed for this, and please be kind, I feel all over the place.

Found out from DH's PC that he's planning on meeting another woman at a private, secluded venue for a chat and a walk. He's already told me he's doing something totally different at their agreed day/time - so lying already.

This has happened before with the same woman in the past. Previoulsy, I had expressed my concerns when I had again found out by pure chance after overhearing an hour long intense chat - the kind of raw converstaion you'd have with your best friend or partner, not some random person who means nothing to you.

I said I didn't feel a man and a woman could just be friends, especially as neither the other woman or my husband wish us to meet. Further, the conversation which I overheard although not romantic was not one you'd have with a standard friend or aqaintance and already I felt marriage boundaries were being if not crossed venturing into vulnerable waters.

Do any of your husbands have such female confidant type friends that they want to meet up with for secluded walks and chats that you don't have any contact with yourself? I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

(And yes I know I shouldn't have looked at his PC, but he's been behaving very odd the last few weeks and the screen was open with her name near the top - meaning recent converstaion).

Honesty a golf club is very unlikely to be mega quiet midweek mornings - lots of retired players, people on leave, people doing work days for golf etc, midweek competitions - our golf clubs are just as busy.

I think starting off saying you didn't think men and women can be friends, is a hard place to come from. You said yourself the conversation wasn't flirty, you can have raw conversations with super close friends that are of the opposite sex, or best friends of the opposite sex. He may now feel the need to hide the friendship because of this.

I would find it odd that she doesn't want to meet you, although I'm also of the mind I wouldn't want to meet someone who didn't want me to be friends with their partner - it's an odd foot to go off on.

A few of you have asked how he met her. Some sort of charitable organisational work on Zoom. Turns out she's local enough meet up in person thoug.

I think it doesn't look great. I think you will have to speak to him about it. How would he feel if you had a male friend you were taking walks with in secret?

I’d be inclined to believe that if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck…

but I think you should ponder what you want from this. Realistically it doesn’t seem an option for her to just disappear - you’ve tried this with him before and he’s not open to that. So unless you think something has changed on that front; you can’t just edit her away.

Can you get yourself into a better situation? Because even if you decide to let his lie, if he decides she’s the one he wants… he might be gone anyway. Shutting up and putting up often doesn’t mean the marriage survives. It just means you buy some more time until he decides to end it instead, and if he knows you know and aren’t doing much, he may get more brazen about what’s going on…

It’s a really tough situation but there’s red flags all over the place. A private meeting, never introducing you, lying about the meeting, long and intense chats, not willing to reassure you, getting angry about being questioned…

I can honestly say if my husband thought I was upset about a particular friend, even if he thought I was being crazy, he’d fall over himself to reassure me and make me happy with the situation. Yours should too!

Do you have someone who you can confide in real life who could go follow them.

This sounds awful and you sound completely worn down as well. Do you have any plans to get your life back? If your kids are old enough/high-functioning enough for exam season to be an issue, could you start to find some time for yourself, think about going back to work maybe? You're in such a vulnerable position.

This issue aside, he's out today with friends, meeting this woman next week - even if innocent, when do you get downtime?

@YouveGotAFastCar Thank you, I do need to ponder what I need to get out of this. The kids and I are very vulnerable.
@Portfun24 No one in real that I can confide in unless it really blows up. They all know him and I don't want to make things awkward for everyone else unless a last resort. Sparing everyone's feelings again! And in answer to your, "When do you get down time?" Never.
@TheOccupier Yes I am worn down. I had planned to start trying to get work going again once my youngest SEN child was out of GCSE/A'levels. As I am his full time carer and teacher. So that's a few years away. I honestly don't have a moment to myself. Being on mumsnet this afternoon has been very naughty of me! But it was very much needed. So thank you for everyone's perspectives and kindness.

Sorry, I know I haven't been able to reply to everyone. Just juggling at this end. But do appreciate you all.

Why can't you meet her? What's the reason he has given you when you've asked?

I have a close male friend who is also married with dc. We speak daily and used to work together so saw each other most days, now we don't so it's usually half term meet ups with the kids and sometimes drinks or food. He knows DH, has stayed at our house, I know his wife and have been to their kids parties etc etc. There is as much secrecy as there would be if I was meeting a female friend. THAT is a normal platonic friendship.

The fact that he's doing it when he could be accompanying you and your DD to a medical appt is vile and tells you all you need to know imo.

Why do you think it is naughty to take some time for yourself?

You need it so you are rested to care for your kids.

Your h needs to do a whole lot more with the children though.

He wouldn't meet up with a bloke in this manner or an elderly woman so it's a woman he's attracted to.

I wouldn't stand for lies and disrespect so boot him.

He's hiding it from you because you have told him you don't believe men and women can be friends. Both me and DH have very close friends of the opposite sex and have deep meaningful conversations and spend time 1 on 1 with them. Not in private spaces but I suspect he may be doing that just to avoid you finding out.

I think the not allowing you to meet her, the secrecy and the lying about where he's going are all red flags to be honest. If it's an innocent friendship none of that would be necessary.

Massively weird and very wrong of you to condone this behaviour.

I hope you get as much time out alone with friends as he does.

No, this is wrong! This man is your husband, not some stupid partner or boyfriend, he should be all yours and you should be all his - he should not be having any female friends, none at all. Nip it in the bud or divorce - his behaviour is unacceptable.

Do you have anyone who can walk past him and OW on their walk and breezily say Hi Fred, haven’t seen you in ages. How’s NC1258?
That’ll throw both of them.

I’d be furious. A genuinely platonic friendship does not need to be hidden from a spouse.

You sound lovely OP, and also tired and sad and lonely. I'm so sorry you're in this puzzling situation.

This jumped out at me:
somehow it's looking like I need to talk to him. Which is scary. Because I don't like confrontations. He doesn't like being told anything other than positivity and he's unlikely to be quiet about it

What do you mean by "he's unlikely to be quiet about it"?

Being scared to talk to your DH about something that concerns you is not a good sign, especially if you already anticipate it as a "confrontation." Is he used to having things his way?

Setting aside the question of whether their meeting is innocent or not, as PPs have said there is a clear imbalance in how you're spending your lives, which isn't fair and must drain you.

However much you long for a harmonious and unproblematic life, and I wish I could wave a wand to grant it to you starting right now, it's quite hard to achieve with someone who bullies you. And a lifetime is a long time to spend with someone who stresses you out.

Can you ask someone else to see what he's up to?

Every time my DH has a female friend, they end up lovers and he makes grand plans to leave me...

I have a male best friend but dh knows all about him, has met him numerous times and they message occasionally with each other. So I think it sounds like your husband is being sketchy unfortunately.

Not accessible and trust your gut. A line is being crossed he wants to meet another woman in secret and you are not being told. He knows it's wrong if she was genuinely a friend it would all be done in the open not as some seedy affair. Tell her husband see if he's happy for them to meet. Can you turn up at their secret meeting place and "catch" him out?

@NC1258 what is the private secluded venue? a park, a forest walk, a cafe??? is your child not old enough to go to appt alone? I would screenshot or take a pic of his message and any other messages from or to her. get the whole thing then he cannot deny it/ if you cannot follow him, can you ask him to come with you at the last minute? is what he has told you he is doing, changeable? or is that an appointment too??