Husband has planned a secret meeting/ walk with an unknown woman.

[NC1258]

Have name changed for this, and please be kind, I feel all over the place.

Found out from DH's PC that he's planning on meeting another woman at a private, secluded venue for a chat and a walk. He's already told me he's doing something totally different at their agreed day/time - so lying already.

This has happened before with the same woman in the past. Previoulsy, I had expressed my concerns when I had again found out by pure chance after overhearing an hour long intense chat - the kind of raw converstaion you'd have with your best friend or partner, not some random person who means nothing to you.

I said I didn't feel a man and a woman could just be friends, especially as neither the other woman or my husband wish us to meet. Further, the conversation which I overheard although not romantic was not one you'd have with a standard friend or aqaintance and already I felt marriage boundaries were being if not crossed venturing into vulnerable waters.

Do any of your husbands have such female confidant type friends that they want to meet up with for secluded walks and chats that you don't have any contact with yourself? I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

(And yes I know I shouldn't have looked at his PC, but he's been behaving very odd the last few weeks and the screen was open with her name near the top - meaning recent converstaion).

Sounds suspicious, especially the lying. I always want to meet people who are important to DH (and vice versa). While we do have a couple of male/female friendships I would never lie about it

Thank you. Very much appreciate a man's perspective in a similar situation.

I have a male friend - someone I used to work with, but it’s totally open. If I’m meeting him I’ll tell DP, ‘Meeting Mike for lunch’ or ‘Met Mike in town for a coffee’. It’s mostly work gossip and a bit of chat about kids/holidays/restaurants. It’s not a heart to heart about feelings or problems. Id be way about this, OP. The lies combined with the very personal chat sounds like an emotional affair.

If it was out in the open and he had never tried to hide it, and she wanted to meet you and potentially be friends with you also, then totally fine. But this scenario is far removed from that.
You requested he not speak to her or meet her but is still doing so. You need to make him know that it could end the relationship if he won't respect your boundaries.
Would he be ok with you having a secret male 'bestie'? I'll bet he wouldn't.

Why has he refused to let you meet her?

He’s meeting another woman whilst your child is in pain and has a medical appointment? This tells you all you need to know about his priorities.

@BobbyBiscuits Many moons ago I did have a male bestie. It became more obvious over the years he had a crush on me and was making my DH uncomfortable and perhaps holding back said bestie from finding a partner. So I distanced myself carefully. When I left the company I didn't continue contact. I suppose I'm very sensitive to the feelings of others.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply you are jealous or controlling. I mean her partner could be, so it’s best to keep to the shadows for her sake.

I see lots of posts like this on here and think setting up a Mumsnet pi service could work well. If you don't have a friend who can hang around the meet up location then maybe a local mumsnetter could. Who would suspect a complete stranger just out with her dog etc etc.

(Only mostly joking)

Why isn’t he going to the medical appointment ?

Major red flag that you’re not allowed to meet her. Best case scenario is that this is an emotional affair. Lying is doing your marriage no favours.

I have absolutely no problem with my husband seeing female friends - he goes running with one every Sunday and they go for coffee afterwards.

Your problem is your husband is lying and being secretive. This implies he’s either having or thinking about having an affair.

@CammoMammo No apologies necessary. I really do appreciate everyone talking to me about this and all opinions. Re her partner? I don't even know if she has a partner. It was never mentioned last time. That too would make me feel a bit less insecure over it all.

Cover the medical appointment that morning? LOL. I thought about that. But my daughter really does prefer me for these things. I'll have a ponder on that though!

I've got a male bestie that I've had since uni. But he is married with three kids and both myself and partner attended his wedding, have met for meals out together etc. There's no secrecy. This reluctance to allow you to all interact is the biggest red flag, especially if you haven't been difficult about it. I hope you can find a good time to have a quiet word and he gives you some much-deserved answers.

@NC1258 thank you. Yeah, the response you had was the right one to respect your partner's wishes. I had something similar and realised the friendship was much less important than my actual relationship.
It seems he's incapable of reciprocating that reasonableness.

I have a very close male friend and I do have extremely personal conversations with him.
We usually go out for dinner etc just us 2.
Nothing would ever in a million years happen between us.
BUT, I would never, ever lie about seeing him.
Either there is a reason to lie, or maybe if you've made it clear you don't want your husband to see her then he now just lies about it.
Also very strange that you can't meet her.

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate your thoughts. I'll keep checking this thread. But I'm taking a break to sort out food for the kids. 🌷

I'd be so tempted to follow them in disguise in a trench coat and Joan Collins sunglasses.
You'll get your answer as soon as they see each other from how they greet each other.

I'm sorry OP but it doesn't sound good. Tell him you need him at the appointment too. How did you find out about the meeting, are you able to find out if he rearranges?

OK. Dinner's looking after itself in the oven and I've got a bit of spare time again. I've got one more question if you lovely people don't mind. Sorry to drip feed. I should have mentioned this earlier but my head's a whirl.

The secret meeting and walk will be at a Golf Club on a mid week early morning when it's likely to be very quiet and deserted. It's busy at the weekends, but likely dead mid week mornings. Genuinely interested, how would this sit with you all? As opposed to a busy town centre coffee shop. Thank you all.

One thing I am thinking, is that what’s the point in asking him about it. He’ll just say they’re just friends. I don’t know. I think maybe sit and wait and watch.

I'd think they wanted privacy, but weren't exactly hiding the meeting. Surely your husband would be running the risk of meeting somebody he knew at a golf club?

If I wait and watch and it escalates into more, then it would be a disaster for me and the kids. They are both very sensitive and have SEN. I left my career years ago due to their complex needs. I don't want another marriage. All I've ever wanted was a happy family...even with all the curve balls that the economy and SEN throws at you. I just want to press pause. Edit this situation away. Press Play.

The lying is what would bother me. In my opinion, YABU for feeling that men and women can't be friends, but YANBU to object to this particular situation.

@PossumintheHouse It's not his golf club - he's never been there before. She invited him there. It's unlikely he'd bump into anyone he knows asit's midweek morning. Everyone's at work.