Husband has planned a secret meeting/ walk with an unknown woman.

[NC1258]

Have name changed for this, and please be kind, I feel all over the place.

Found out from DH's PC that he's planning on meeting another woman at a private, secluded venue for a chat and a walk. He's already told me he's doing something totally different at their agreed day/time - so lying already.

This has happened before with the same woman in the past. Previoulsy, I had expressed my concerns when I had again found out by pure chance after overhearing an hour long intense chat - the kind of raw converstaion you'd have with your best friend or partner, not some random person who means nothing to you.

I said I didn't feel a man and a woman could just be friends, especially as neither the other woman or my husband wish us to meet. Further, the conversation which I overheard although not romantic was not one you'd have with a standard friend or aqaintance and already I felt marriage boundaries were being if not crossed venturing into vulnerable waters.

Do any of your husbands have such female confidant type friends that they want to meet up with for secluded walks and chats that you don't have any contact with yourself? I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

(And yes I know I shouldn't have looked at his PC, but he's been behaving very odd the last few weeks and the screen was open with her name near the top - meaning recent converstaion).

My partner and I both have close friends of the opposite sex, and regularly go out with them without telling the other specifically what we are up to, although would give all the details if requested, as there's nothing shady about it. My partner regularly goes to watch plays or do cultural dates with one of his female friends without me. Things that would look like a date to a suspicious person, but they'd done that kind of stuff long before I was on the scene, so not an issue. I'm happy I don't have to go to stuff I don't like with him!

If you are getting the suspicious feels and he is acting secretive about any of it, then it's worth digging deeper, though.

The lying is the weird bit, having a close friend of the opposite sex is not

I've no idea why your DH is meeting up with a 'close female friend' or what their intentions are. I do know there is absolutely no way I'd tolerate my DH having a close female friend unless it was a mutual friendship between us all. On my part I have more respect for my DH than to cavort about with another man under the 'only friendship' umbrella

I have a very close male friend who is my absolute rock and who I have met up with to pour my heart out to in private locations. I am in a long term relationship as is he and he has 3 kids.
Neither of us have ever lied to our partners about when or where we meet. And we have made it clear to each other that secrets from our partners mean that a line has been crossed and that we cannot continue to be friends if that happens. My partner was very seriously ill late last year - it was one of the worst times of my life and my male friend really helped - in practical ways like giving us lifts to and from hospital, helping with some DIY stuff at home to make it more comfortable and accessible for my partner to come home to and just being a shoulder to cry on . Likewise I have been there for him in tough times. Our partners know we turn to each other but they also know that we respect each other’s partners and have never been dishonest. Your DH has lied and hidden it from you - that’s not acceptable. I’m very sorry you’re going through this

Pure genius. Sign me up 🕵️‍♀️

Oh dear what if it is you lol

That's all well and good tho but the husband is doing it all in secret I don't think any woman would be happy about that. It might well be innocent on her part but you don't know what his intention is especially accusing her of an affair also

Men and women can be friends but you don't sneak about with friends it's not a good look.

Well I've had walks, chats, meet ups with male friends who were married to other women, and there's been nothing for any partner to worry about. And they might not have picked their venue on the basis of it being 'secluded.' However the clandestine nature does make it sound a bit more suspicious.

My husband is very close friends with females and my best friend is male. But they’ve been our best friends since before we got together. There is NOTHING else in it.

We each meet our best friends alone most of the time because of work. However, we have all met the others. The lie about where he is going is a no from me.

So you do all the grunt work and he's out frolicking with randoms on the golf course and he gets humpy if you dare question him?
LTB.

You’re definitely not overreacting. I have one male friend who isn’t really my dh’s friend but we have known each other since our teens and don’t really meet on our own, although I would we see more in a small group. Dh has known him for years but they’re not friends.
I did have another male friend but we lost touch - nothing untoward. D met him once.
I def think your dh is behaving suspiciously - not because he’s got a female friend, but the fact he’s lying to you,

I have a male friend who I know has lied to his wife in the past about meeting up with me (alone, he doesn’t lie when it’s a group thing afaik)

She is quite jealous though so he probably does it for an easier life. Nothing has happened between us, we are just friends, and I’m in a relationship myself, so I find it rather odd. Not my circus or monkeys though.

He is cheating. Whether it sexual or not is splitting hairs. He is going outside of your marriage, behind your back, to invest his time, his attention, his focus on another woman.

It is a betrayal. That he is doing this over the time when you are taking your child to a much needed medical appointment makes it feel even worse somehow.

I am sorry 😞

Does he always meet this woman when you are busy doing something you can't get out of ? For instance medical appointments?

Even the most secure person could feel suddenly insecure if her man was meeting up with a female friend and in secret. It can impact the way you look at your partner and can cause so many trust issues.

Throw into the mix that you are holding down the fort, and there he goes off for a walk with miss whatshername.

If your child has a medical appointment why isnt he there?

Nope not on

Can I say too that in these situations sometimes it can all be perfectly innocent friendship as far as one of the party is concerned- but unfortunately the other party has 'the feels/crush/limerance ' etc and the other party is totally oblivious of that and does think it's 'just friendship' - I think this is more common with partnered up men being friends with women than the other way around - I know very few partnered up men if I'm honest who go out their way to be friends with random women and see them on their own rather than a group night out - unless it's very old uni friends or someone related to their career network or someone they fancy - and if they are lying about it I'm very suspicious indeed

He has timed it especially because you are at an appointment hasn't he??

@MaidOfBondStreet I thought exactly the same thing. He knows exactly where you'll be, occupied away from him.

I have male friends and my DH has met them, we all go out together. But I don't go off for secret walks in a relatively private location without telling DH.

Are you meeting at a golf course?!

You would have more time to yourself if you were divorced. Would they even notice him not there?

My husband and my friends other half’s has only ever wanted male friends, imagine most couples do really, not that I’d mind tbh
But and a big but!
the fact it’s all secret is a Red Flag!!!! And not being included is another
its sad but IMO you’d be wise to move on, his making a fool of and doesn’t deserve you … the nasty git!!!!

Oh dear OP.

I have a couple of good friends of the opposite sex who I will see without DH (DH thinks they're boring!) - but never in secret.

Affairs dont always involve sex so I'm sorry but this is a post I disagree with entirely. If you have a strong emotional bond outside of marriage with the opposite sex it's as good as an affair under the friendship umbrella. I trust my DH 100 %. He works with some stunning females and occasional drinks after work in a large group is no problem. If he developed a special friendship with one female who eg played golf, would I care. I can guarantee I definitely would care, it just wouldn't happen.

@Trainsplanesautomobiles, your post made me wonder where this outlook would leave you if you were lesbian. So it would be normal and natural to have female friends as a woman, but also one will be your lover/life partner...
So would your view only apply in hetero relationships, or is it that your take on this at the less liberal end of the spectrum and an outlier, so the issue would be solved in a same sec relationship by leaning to the more permissive end of the relationship freedoms norms?

Interestingly I did have a lesbian friend at uni. Her long term partner knew I was straight. Eventually it became obvious she had a bit of a crush on me. Her partner became really cold towards me & the friendship ended. My point is regardless of sexuality a 'single' special friendship outside of a relationship can develop into sexual feelings for at least one of the two involved. This unless of course its between a gay man/straight woman, gay woman/straight man. Mainly though I'm referring to heterosexual relationships & friendships.

How are you doing, @NC1258?