Husband has planned a secret meeting/ walk with an unknown woman.

[NC1258]

Have name changed for this, and please be kind, I feel all over the place.

Found out from DH's PC that he's planning on meeting another woman at a private, secluded venue for a chat and a walk. He's already told me he's doing something totally different at their agreed day/time - so lying already.

This has happened before with the same woman in the past. Previoulsy, I had expressed my concerns when I had again found out by pure chance after overhearing an hour long intense chat - the kind of raw converstaion you'd have with your best friend or partner, not some random person who means nothing to you.

I said I didn't feel a man and a woman could just be friends, especially as neither the other woman or my husband wish us to meet. Further, the conversation which I overheard although not romantic was not one you'd have with a standard friend or aqaintance and already I felt marriage boundaries were being if not crossed venturing into vulnerable waters.

Do any of your husbands have such female confidant type friends that they want to meet up with for secluded walks and chats that you don't have any contact with yourself? I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

(And yes I know I shouldn't have looked at his PC, but he's been behaving very odd the last few weeks and the screen was open with her name near the top - meaning recent converstaion).

I don’t suppose you have a friend or relative who can “bump into” him at the golf course? (With their camera…)

The lying is not ok but do you genuinely allow him to freely have his own friendships or only when they are men? I have a best male friend, for many years, it’s a non issue. We very occasionally meet up as a 4 but rarely as mostly we like to walk and catch up together. Space in trusting relationships is pretty healthy in my view. I’ve been in the smothering jealous sort and looking back it just wasn’t good.

I don’t think this is helpful.

We all know what this is. Sorry, op.

Is he not at work?

Why not ask him to come to the medical appointment with you and your daughter. See how he reacts.

I don't like the secrecy either.

My DP does have female friends, yes. And he’s rather close to two of them.

But I have met them as well. And he doesn’t try to conceal their activities, time or place of meeting etc…

Honestly, I’d be getting a PI for this one. You know where they will be and you know when. I can’t imagine you’d need to pay for an entire day for this.

You’ve never found any evidence of anything romantic between them you say the messages are just like friends

many people on here have confirmed that they and their partners have friends of the opposite sex and nothing untoward
your DH has 2 choices

1. he ends the friendship and tells her you won’t allow it
2. he lies to you and carries on with what sounds like an innocent friendship

in all honesty what would you if said if he told you he was going

Did you miss OP's post where she said that in the past she ended a platonic friendship with a male colleague because her DH was uncomfortable about it?

In the case of her DH''s current woman friend: why is he not taking steps for his friend and OP to meet and get to know each other. Why is he not providing reassurance to OP over the friendship. And why is he lying about meeting up in a secluded location with her? None of this tallies with a definition of innocent friendship.

All this added to the imbalance of the relationship between OP and her husband. She has every right to be concerned about her DH and this relationship.

@Kelly51 For me, life is so much more complicated than LTB. It would be a case of exchanging one problem for 100.

I did
Sounds like he’s painted himself into a corner doesn’t want OP to have friends of the opp sex but he can
doesn’t sound like there is anything going on with this woman and does really clear up why he didn’t tell her
but thats irrelevant
rewind to when he made OP stop her friendship that’s the deal breaker
he can’t have one set of rules for him and one for OP

I’m ok with people having friends of the opposite sex, and I think it’s about trust of your partner, if you need to ban them having friends of the opposite sex as you think they will cheat then your marriage is already over, dead man walking. And I don’t need to vet them like he’s a small child.

id ask myself, is he doing this in secret as he knows how you will react and he doesn’t want to give up a good friend he likes due to your jealousy and insecurity or is it as he wants to cheat? What is your gut saying.

Good idea. His secrecy is terrible, even if he claims you drove him to it because of issues last time!
If this situation has arisen before and was not handled well, for mutually satisfactory outcome, that would not be the case... So the rot started a while ago and he's played his part.

I have always had male friends and DH has always had female friends but none of them were ever a secret.

It's not fair that he invests his time with someone else, when that time could go to freeing you from your responsibilities occasionally so you can float and be shiny too. The amount of free time he is getting is very out of balance with yours, which is not team work.

Ugh. OP you are right to be worried. My ex did this several times. Gave attention to women so they confided in him and ended up in situations where he spent time with them in endless supportive emotional conversations. I think it made him feel good.
He had affairs with at least two of them.

I would want to know how he has ended up so close to this person. And why he is lying.

Why is it YOUR job to take your child for the medical appointment alone, whilst he is gallivanting about with another woman (do clearly he has time)

he sounds shit ty

I’ve just shown this to DH and asked whether he thinks they’re just friends. He shook his head , rolled his eyes and said ‘no way’. Sorry x

I was thinking the same thing about hiring a PI. You know the place and time, and they could figure out the reason. I hope it's completely innocent, but it would be good to know either way, so you can make informed decisions

A couple of things here;

Your DH is gaslighting you. He is doing what he likes, whilst you shoulder the full weight of your 2 DC’s needs and then he is turning it on you, when you express concern over it. He has you in a nice little corner doubting yourself and justifying it all in his mind.

It might not be a full on affair, yet, but it is an emotional one. I bet his little walks are all about him, and how hard it for for him back home whilst Vera, his side kick, is listening and making him feel better.

Walk on a golf course, with no one around means privacy and no prying eyes. My DS and his GF are always “going for a country walk” from our house and I bet my life it is a for snog and a feel (and more) with no one to account to.

As an interim solution to ending your marriage, which I feel you are not at yet, I would be sitting your DH down now, and telling him the following;

“I know that you are meeting with Vera on Monday at the golf club for a walk. You say she is a friend but the secrecy and lack of introduction makes me think otherwise. You know how I feel about this, and I’ll leave it to you and your conscience to decide what kind of friendship this actually is.

However, what this has made me realise, is that I am very unhappy and stressed out. Something has to change. Like you, I too need friends and people to talk to, and to offload to. What I want now, is to go back to work, at least p/t and have more free time, like you. We need to have a serious discussion about this, and how things are going to change around here”.

Whether or not your DH is playing fast and loose with your family life this is a wake up call here. You need to get YOURSELF in a better and more secure place, for you, and your DC.

I found Mumsnet just a short time after it started. It has taken me through many ups and downs. The women on here know what they are talking about. One of the best pieces of advice I have seen is “If you can’t save your marriage, save yourself”.

My DH dicked me around a few times when I was a SAHM. The last time was 4.5 years ago. I immediately went and got a p/t job (that I can convert to FT anytime I want), got a pension, set up a savings scheme, took up new hobbies, and invested more in friendships and a network. I am still married, but I’ll never let myself be in a vulnerable position again.

@HateWorkingFulltime all power to you!

I have, and have had in past close female friends. Not necessarily absolute besties but we've certainly shared confidences about our lives and families though, consciously or not, partners/husbands were never discussed in that way.

Kids, parents, siblings and money are all things we've shared

Both are people I've worked with.

Been to 'spoons for a drink and food after work or coffee and walks in the town's park. I don't think either did or could cross the line and I've never thought about what getting intimate with either might be like.

However, the difference with the OP is that my partner knows about it. She has/has had close male friends of her own, again mostly people she's met through work or professional connections.

It’s a no from me. Lots of luck to you op xxx

As the male half in a relationship, I’ve close girl friends and I always tell my OH I’m going to see them. She’s met a couple of them and sometimes I take my child with me. There’s no room for error on the status of my relationship with either the girl friends or my OH.

OP, your DP is up to no good. Call him out and be prepared to end things as it’s not in a good place if he’s meeting women in secret for ‘walks’.

OP, this is such a familiar story of cheating married men. Men who are happy enough to let women take on the caring/ household burden, then, instead of being grateful, feel sorry for themselves that their wives are ‘boring’ and have nothing to talk about outside house and family, feel sorry for themselves that they never do anything fun with their wives, then tell themselves that they deserve an ‘escape’ just for them.

These men are say they love their wives. That doesn’t stop them wanting their ‘something else just for them’.

Your husband is unspeakably selfish. Leaving all this work of care to you whilst continuing to keep his own hobbies and interests and outside life, to the destruction of yours. And now this. It’s disgusting.

I’d make sure you know where all his money is. Just in case he does have a plan to leave and is hiding assets and money from you. Because I also know men ( friends of friends) who are clear they are waiting till the their wife has completed her caring role in raising the children, and then they will leave her. Of course they tell themselves they are doing the right thing by waiting till the children are grown, but we all know it’s just that they are too selfish to risk having to take on some of that work themselves.

You need to do what you can to protect your own interests. That’s what he will do.

Make sure you have family assets in your name. Family money in your name.

And get him to take on the caring role whilst you get some relaxation and fun of your own.

Do your husband and you ever just have date nights or talk about something than the children? I get it that having 2 SEN children is no picnic and is time consuming, but if you don’t think your husband should have any female friends, and you won’t have any male friends, it shrinks your world quite a lot.

you need to have a conversation with your DH and clear the air. Tell him your worries (don’t accuse, as you don’t have direct evidence this is an affair and you were snooping—that in itself is a violation of trust), and maybe get some counselling to be closer as a couple. I’m not condoning your husband’s behaviour, but if he doesn’t have you to talk to outside of conversations about children, I can kind of see why he is turning elsewhere. Is it at all possible for you not to home school or get some respite care so you get more time for yourself and have a life outside childrearing? You are a mum, and that is important, but also a wife and a person who needs some social life to maintain perspective. you need to take care of yourself and it will make you happier. Right now, you are in a v. vulnerable position as @HateWorkingFulltime said.

If it helps the golf club definitely won't be quiet. It would be the last place I would choose to meet someone if I wanted privacy as they are usually busy places and nearly always have something going on such as tournaments, seniors days etc etc through the week as well as at weekends.

Its possible that he's having an affair.

It's also possible that he has a good friend that he has to hide because you are very controlling.

You will need someone in your real life to help you work out which it is. We can't.