Husband has planned a secret meeting/ walk with an unknown woman.

[NC1258]

Have name changed for this, and please be kind, I feel all over the place.

Found out from DH's PC that he's planning on meeting another woman at a private, secluded venue for a chat and a walk. He's already told me he's doing something totally different at their agreed day/time - so lying already.

This has happened before with the same woman in the past. Previoulsy, I had expressed my concerns when I had again found out by pure chance after overhearing an hour long intense chat - the kind of raw converstaion you'd have with your best friend or partner, not some random person who means nothing to you.

I said I didn't feel a man and a woman could just be friends, especially as neither the other woman or my husband wish us to meet. Further, the conversation which I overheard although not romantic was not one you'd have with a standard friend or aqaintance and already I felt marriage boundaries were being if not crossed venturing into vulnerable waters.

Do any of your husbands have such female confidant type friends that they want to meet up with for secluded walks and chats that you don't have any contact with yourself? I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

(And yes I know I shouldn't have looked at his PC, but he's been behaving very odd the last few weeks and the screen was open with her name near the top - meaning recent converstaion).

You aren't controlling. You aren't crazy. You aren't paranoid. Your husband is taking the piss out of you. Confront him and don't let him make you feel bad. If he doesn't want to be married all he has to do is say. If he wants to stay married. No more lying.

Maybe it’s like a dominatrix type friend like in desperate housewives and he doesn’t want you to know.

Why did he accuse you of cheating this week?
I would be concerned that he is projecting

What a horrible liar!

Hope your child is OK??

Obviously you can't go to where they are meeting, so if you have a sister or close friend send them with a note from you saying busted!

Someone where I live (don't know these people) had been having an affair by the looks of it, so the wife or husband put a large banner on a roundabout at the end of the motorway, with those peoples faces on announcing their affair!

He does not care about your feelings and is trying to make you feel like it's nothing and you are in the wrong. Appointments with a child with sen can be very stressful he should be with you and not having a romantic stroll. A friends sneaky ex used to get picked up by a friend saying he was out with the boys. He used to get dropped off up the road where the other woman would pick him up. Do not let him put you off asking questions it's not normal to not know if this woman even has a partner. I would be googling her name and checking out social media also she may have him tagged in photos. If he has nothing to hide he will not have a problem with you meeting her. Get a friend to call you pretending the appointment has been moved to later in the day. Tell him the weather is good you fancy a nice walk also so you will join them. I think you will know then and he will probably try to make the excuse that she cancelled.

I had a friend who I had to meet in secret because her husband was a jealous control freak. I didn't know the extent at the time. I knew her long before he did. We'd meet up and go for tea.

@Franticbutterfly
Is this true? why not tell him
to leave?

To just come up with accusation could be his way of trying to make you think he would be horrified of anyone cheating. He might even be telling this to the other woman and he was the one wronged first.

And it's a different situation entirely. OP has no issues with her husband's 'friend' and there's no need for secrecy.

I said I didn't feel a man and a woman could just be friends

Careful. There's be posters coming along any minute to hound you out of Mumsnet for even suggesting this.

So to your post - let me guess the woman's quite attractive, and either vaguely his own age or younger?

I'm sorry OP, but it feels to me like something's going on. She must be a very special 'friend' indeed to carry on meeting her, despite it upsetting you and despite the fact he has a few friends already. The whole accusing you of cheating very much feels like a reserve attack, a deflection to make you defend yourself so the spotlight is on him.

God. Awful.

What's so damaging is not just the cheating, but the lengths they are willing to go to in order to deflect attention from themselves when the partner suspects something. Making them out to be a terrible controlling person, irrational, emotional, even crazy....whilst the whole time that poor person was 100% correct.

OMG!!!!

Do you have a friend you could send to see what their body language is like when they go for this walk?! Xxx

Hmm difficult one. There are 3 red flags for your behaviour in your first post OP:

• telling him men and women can’t be friends
• listening in to his conversation
• going through his computer

If your DH was a woman and had come on here saying her husband had done those 3 things she’d be told he was controlling and she should leave him…

That said, he shouldn’t lie. But maybe he’s lied because of what your reaction to the truth would be.

Except in a healthy relationship the reaction to 'my wife feels uncomfortable about this innocent thing' is to put the wife's mind at rest, have them meet etc. not do more things to make them uncomfortable. My husband has an online female friend he messages with all the time but he is always very open about it and will happily read her messages in front of me because he knows there is nothing to be worried about. Similarly I met up with an ex boyfriend and I was worried about it making my husband uncomfortable so we started the evening with dinner at my house so the two could meet. Most friendships can be fine if approached with respect for your marriage first and and foremost. My husband even went on an overnight business trip with his ex fiance with my blessing, and it wasn't an issue because he came to me first to ask if I would be ok with it and was willing to get out of it if I wouldn't be.

DH has close female friends I’ve never met, mostly because they live overseas in places he tends to go to for work. It’s never bothered me in the slightest. I have male friends I go away for weekends with. No one is shagging anyone. It sounds far more concerning to me that you’re doing all the family gruntwork solo and appear to have no free time.

My husband doesn't like people-, he's anti social ( spect ASD). However I have female and malegrll friends, really close male friends-, just friends. My oldest friend is a man and we've known each other far longer than I've known my husband. I regularly meet another for dinner or lunch and a third with who i tend to go out for drinks and generally pretending we aren't as old s we are and will have awful hangovers the next day! I met others less frequently. I talk to all of then about personal issues probably more than the majority of my female friends and they talk to me about theirs.
Of course you can just be friends.
My husband is rarely interested where I'm going or who I'm with. I tell him if he asks but there's no point telling him if he's not even listening ( mind always elsewhere). I tend to talk about the fact i may have met one of them after the event if he's sociable ( rare) , but he's not bothered.

He's suddenly accused you of cheating, when it's clearly impossible?

Sounds like projection, not uncommon.

I'm sorry, OP.

Can you ask someone to go to the meeting point if you can't?

Oh op. Accusing you of cheating is because that’s what’s on his brain. And it’s not you he’s really thinking of. I know you want to keep the peace, but it seems you’re married to a bully who’s probably cheating and at best lies to you, never gives you any downtime while taking it for himself.

Accusing you of cheating = he's cheating or planning to.

He lies.

You've never been allowed to meet her.

He gets to go to work, have a social life and keep you and friends all in separate bubbles.

You in contrast are confined to one bubble. SAHM, children with SEN, absolutely exhausted.

I wonder how he would react if you were unable to take DC to appointment, and he had to do it instead of you.

I'm sorry OP but this does have a very familiar ring to it from other similar MN threads, and it's likely you'll be making discoveries.

There's nothing D about him.

Yeah it’s not that. Off you pop.

@CammoMammo can you leave? It sounds awful. And really bad for your health.

This. What possible reason - even if they’re not shagging - can there be for you not being allowed to meet her, esp. having specifically asked ?!

Tell him he needs to take your DD r/go with you to the med appt - then he will rebook the side piece and you can ambush them.