Husband having emotional affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

My husband has been quite cold with me for a few weeks. I pushed him on it and he said he has feelings for someone else. He promised nothing has physically happened, but the feeling is mutual and her husband is also aware.
What on earth do I do here?
I'm grateful he's told me, the honesty matters.
He says he's not sure if he Still loves me or if he loves here but they are talking regularly (she is in his home country, but they work together remotely and occasionally in person, we live together in the uk)
We have two children together, I don't work.
I want to throw all of my toys out of the pram in the emotion of it all but I want to move forward with him.if I can.
What do I do here? My heart is broken.

What a shock, you must be reeling.

If you're to move forward with him and he's invested in that, he can't work with her any more. It doesn't matter that she's based elsewhere and nothing has 'happened'. They've fallen for each other and it won't end unless they cut if off. Whether he's willing to do that or not is the indicator here of whether there's a future for you two or whether he's more invested in them.

If there's a chance of the latter, there are many good thread on here about 'getting your ducks in a row' and how to move from being financially dependent to building your independence and managing without him. A lot depends on the ages of your children, whether you worked recently and so on, but it's best to start thinking about that stuff now as it's empowering anyway, not feeling like he has all the cards and you're beholden to what he wants.

When the first wave of heartbreak passes, you may feel that you don't want him and you deserve more, but for now it's good that you know what's going on and can start to plan and think about what you want and will put up with. Hope you've got some friends IRL who you can talk to about it too.

He promised nothing has physically happened, but the feeling is mutual and her husband is also aware

So they’ve both declared they love each other and both told their spouses so it’s serious stuff. I’m sorry to say I would prepare emotionally and financially for a divorce.

How could they be together if they are in different countries? Have they talked about their plans?

Why do you want to stay with him?

So they work together in person sometimes, but mostly online at a distance? And he's fallen for her? But he doesn't KNOW her, yes, they can spend a lot of time talking and he might fancy her, but love? I suspect he doesn't know what that means and he's in lust.

Not that this helps you, OP, but if he's the kind of man who can have his head turned by an imaginary relationship with a woman that he only knows superficially then you might be better off without him anyway.

He is an idiot, obv.
The ‘love’ he has for her is based on an escape fantasy. Escape from real life and responsibilities of caring for his family.

Time to get practical and pragmatic. Imagine
the worst case and prepare for it - are you a UK citizen, or tied to his immigration status?
What will you do for work if you separate? What benefits can you get?
Plan and prepare.

He needs to get through his fantasy obsession on his own. Unlikely anything you do will make a difference. In a strange way - the best thing to do is to send him to his home country and let him face reality asap. The rosy glasses will shatter quite quickly.
If he is in the UK on a visa, linked to your UK passport - the sooner he realises that he wont be able to stay here jf you divorce - the better.

His ‘love interest’ may then lose her interest in him just as well…

Does the other woman have children too?

OP the first thing they do when admitting anything in this situation is minimise.

Just prepare yourself to learn that they could well have acted it on it physically.

If he’s not sure he still loves you, he doesn’t. If he ‘love’ was so paper thin it can be shattered by having his head turned by a woman he doesn’t actually really know and he’s prepared to throw whatever you’ve built away for a bit of an ego stroke he’s not a keeper.

you’ll do yourself no favours playing pick me or hoping he will break contact and somehow remember he loves you and not this other person. If he breaks contact he’s still holding this person up in his mind as a ‘what could have been’ and will resent you and every bumpy patch you two ever have because his fantasy with her experienced no such things.

Let him go and find out for himself. He might come back he might not. He may well come back and find you’ve grown through this so much he has shit all to offer you and you don’t want his fragile ‘love’ anyway.

It'll all end in tears.
Theirs - not yours.
I'd let them get on with it 'great romance of the year ' - not.
It's all very lovey dovey when you're only seeing the best side of someone.
This relationship is built on lies and deceit- not the best ingredients for a happy, loving relationship.
And when it crashes and burn -which it will , and he comes crawling back , you can or tell him to get lost.
Either way you'll be ok.

From what he's told me the husband found out by accident,.just saw a message on her phone from my dh but I hear you. I'm wondering too x

They work for the same company but my dh runs the UK portion. They've apparently talked a bit but no firm plans yet. He was worried the husband might tell.me

I love him. We have a life together. I can't imagine not being a family 😥

Thank you I've pointed out he's not comparing apples to apples. She's 30 no kids and I'm 43 with two. With her it's all fun and good feelings and with me it's dishes and kids schedules and stretch marks. I've tried to highlight in another decade they'll be where we are except she'll have to deal with someone else's kids and he'll be paying child support and barely seen them

You won't be able to trust him though.

I'd be packing a suitcase for him.

How dare he say he say he's not sure if he loves you or her?
How dare he treat you like this?

He's married to you. He made a promise.

I'd be saying ' you better move out for a few weeks'.

At the minute he's having you and he's having her. You are accommodating him walking all over you.

Call him on it. Put him out of the house and see how he likes it.
Make it Real because this is Real. He can't play a game with you and the kids like you are toys.

He is not going to hear it. Not in this phase of fantasising about carefree fun life without attachments. Midlife crisis in full bloom.
Really - the only thing you can so is get organised. File for child maintenance and let him learn his own lessons.

Maybe, as he starts imagining his life as a divorced man things will start dawning on him. The woman in question may or may not actually follow through with her own divorce. Or, if she does - he’ll have to deal with babies In the future - putting a damper on his fun new life…

Don’t leave the ball in his court to decide whether he want to stay or go. If he had his way, he would have continued this affair and only told you because her husband found out.

Be proactive and start calling the shots as to what happens going forth. Whatever you decide, get him to leave for now to give you space to sort out your feelings. Then if you want him to stay ask him if he’s willing to cut off all contact with her immediately. If he is reluctant to then call it a day even if you do still love him. Loving someone doesn’t mean they get to walk all over you and break your heart.

Exactly what @Lucy377 says. Stop keeping the peace, hoping he'll drop her and choose you, and take back control. Destroy the secrecy of his affair - tell people (his parents and friends) what he is up to (ie cheating and destroying your family) and ask him to move out. Make him understand that her can't have his bubble of lovely feelings with this woman AND have you washing his socks, keeping house for him and begging him to stay. Only when he realises what he'll lose will he be able to make a decision on who he wants -and by then, with a littel distance, you may not feel like taking him back!

Thank you all. I'm reading but I'm still reeling. I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel sick.

My view is the decision has already been made. If he knew, he wouldn’t be continuing with this EA with the other woman, so sorry to say, he’s already checked out if this marriage.

Take back control and you make the decesions. Sadly , I feel this means chucking him out. If he did stay, could you trust him? I feel that once trust has gone, relations ships are over.

Why does he get to decide your future? You need to do this.

So he's told me he's put a stop to it now (like just now, by text), because I asked him too. I told him we can't have any chance if he's pouring his affection to another relationship and asked him to put that into ours.
But there's no grovelling or apology, I feel like I'm convincing him which is even worse. Buys me time to think though

So he's told me he's put a stop to it now (like just now, by text), because I asked him too. I told him we can't have any chance if he's pouring his affection to another relationship and asked him to put that into ours.
But there's no grovelling or apology, I feel like I'm convincing him which is even worse. Buys me time to think though

I’m sorry @Allthegoodonesareg0ne … he’s said he doesn’t know if he loves you anymore as he loves another. He also seems to have half heartedly ended it with the ow though you can’t be certain it’s “ended” or just to buy him time. I do feel you will end up playing the “pick me “ game and will end horribly. Unless he changed his job there is no guarantee and at this point he’s not even apologetic for his shit actions! Stop trusting his words and no other advice xx

Is he saying what you want to hear? Hiding in plain sight, so to speak.

Ask him to show you the text to prove yes find it. If he’s refusing (“don’t you trust me”) or stalling for time (so he can quickly write a fake message) you have your answer.