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Original poster

Husband having emotional affair

244 replies

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 01/06/2024 12:00

My husband has been quite cold with me for a few weeks. I pushed him on it and he said he has feelings for someone else. He promised nothing has physically happened, but the feeling is mutual and her husband is also aware.
What on earth do I do here?
I'm grateful he's told me, the honesty matters.
He says he's not sure if he Still loves me or if he loves here but they are talking regularly (she is in his home country, but they work together remotely and occasionally in person, we live together in the uk)
We have two children together, I don't work.
I want to throw all of my toys out of the pram in the emotion of it all but I want to move forward with him.if I can.
What do I do here? My heart is broken.

OP posts:
Holdsagrudge · 04/06/2024 23:14

It’s shocking how quickly their affection love and regard is switched off when a shiny new bauble is in reach though isn’t it. One minute it’s nice texts with kisses on them and cuddles in the kitchen etc. Then their ego gets stroked and they get the opportunity for something new and they rewrite everything (you are too much like hard work, they don’t really love you and they’d rather be with her) and they direct absolutely everything that could have made your marriage happy, elsewhere, effectively completely sabotaging their relationship with you to justify the new one they are having. It’s all variations of the same sad cheaters script

It’s hard to forgive.

Lampzade · 04/06/2024 23:20

As another poster said, you may decide that you don’t actually want him anymore.
He is not the man you thought he was and you would be constantly worrying that his head could turn at anytime.
Have you actually asked him how he would feel if you had a ‘thing’ with a thirty year old man?
How would he feel if you said negative things about him to the other man? Totally unforgivable

Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 04/06/2024 23:21

Holdsagrudge · 04/06/2024 23:14

It’s shocking how quickly their affection love and regard is switched off when a shiny new bauble is in reach though isn’t it. One minute it’s nice texts with kisses on them and cuddles in the kitchen etc. Then their ego gets stroked and they get the opportunity for something new and they rewrite everything (you are too much like hard work, they don’t really love you and they’d rather be with her) and they direct absolutely everything that could have made your marriage happy, elsewhere, effectively completely sabotaging their relationship with you to justify the new one they are having. It’s all variations of the same sad cheaters script

It’s hard to forgive.

Edited

I'm so sorry as it sounds like you understand this all too well. I hope you have found happiness since?
It's exactly as you describe. Their ego gets stroked and all rhe failure is put on us.

I said to my dh over the weekend that if he'd have put into our marriage what he was putting Into his new relationship he would have got so much more from us than from her. Instead as he poured what he had there it just diminished what we had.
It's hard to see him as that shallow a person

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 05/06/2024 06:19

… he doesn’t feel right to expose her like that … on paper it feels like he’s protecting her, which I hate.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne, the truth of the extent of his infidelity is in their messages, and he is indeed protecting OW (and himself) by blocking your access to them.

He is the cruel cheat who colluded with her to make a mockery of you and your marriage … and still would be had they not been caught. Where was his loyalty and protection of you and the children? He doesn’t get to dictate your recovery requirements. A man who feels compelled to protect and prioritize his AP by refusing transparency is still in wayward mode.

I suggest you check out the Just Found Out forum on the survivinginfidelity site. The excellent resources and wise advice by those who have walked in your shoes could be a godsend.

Shoxfordian · 05/06/2024 06:25

Don't feel you have to move on and forgive him when he's betrayed you like this, can you take a few days away to think about it? Talk to real life friends and family. Don't stay with someone who doesn't respect or really love you.

SportGirl · 05/06/2024 20:02

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 04/06/2024 19:10

How so? He's told me (I appreciate it might be lies) he's all in with working it out with me. I've told him I need to think about it.

Show quote history

If my man wants another female he can be single

Q13 · 05/06/2024 20:41

I really think you should tell him you need a week on your own to think, or go away yourself and take a break from seeing him and talking to him. What he has done is unforgivable. He plotted behind your back to leave you for another woman. He told you he doesn't know what he even wants. You have two kids together and that wasn't even enough to be a man and go through the tough times for their sake. I think you are seeing all this through blinkers at the moment and in time you will see that you are so much better without this man.
If I found out my man was texting another woman like this it would be 100% over and he would be leaving the family home. There would be no saving a relationship where I'd never again trust him. He only told you because he feared her husband was going to.

Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 06/06/2024 17:42

So today he's left. He went overnight Tuesday for the work trip (where they planned to hook up I suppose). He was all in with me on Monday night, Tuesday texting me being loving all day. Wednesday back to cool and distant. Clearly they've got together and he's had a change of heart again.
He said he still wanted to make it work with me but was probably just staying for the kids and he was worried that he'd hurt me more down the line, that it'd be better for me if we separated. What a load of ..
I told him to leave. He's gone. I've requested a solicitors appointment. I've notified school and told them not to release the kids to him unless I've given written notice.
I am devasted beyond belief and feel like an enormous failure. This is my second marriage (first at 20, lasted 8 years no kids). Feeling beyond rubbish about myself right now. No idea what to tell the kids.
I really want to hate him but I'm just so desperate still for him to change his mind. His heart is clearly still with ow. He clearly no longer loves me but this is just so hard.

OP posts:
Chatonette · 06/06/2024 17:50

☹️

Sue152 · 06/06/2024 17:56

It's devastating OP, I'm so sorry he's done this to you. You didn't fail, he did. He's a liar and a cheat and you deserve much better. Concentrate on yourself and the kids. Tell them daddy is working away or whatever is easiest if that helps. Don't let him come crawling back though, he's shown his true colours, he's a selfish pig and he's not worth it.

Secondstart1001 · 06/06/2024 18:01

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne I’m so sorry to hear this but not surprised the way he did a 360 to dump ow and try and make it work with you then 3 days later he’s changed his mind.
Much as you love him, you can’t keep presenting yourself as an option to him ad he will continue to hurt you. So very sad tie you but it will save you heartache later down the line. He is awful :(

Secondstart1001 · 06/06/2024 18:12

Also, you have been very strong telling him to leave.

That is your mind making the decision over your heart.

And that takes strength.

You might not thinking it now but this will be the best decision you made when you look back at it and all the heart ache has cleared and you have clarity.

You deserve more.

AnnieSF · 06/06/2024 18:21

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne "he doesn't want to expose her like that "?

What the fuck? Yet he is prepared for you to be put in this position. He is choosing HER over you in this respect!

You don't have to make any instant and binding decisions and this early on in the game? Believe me when I say you won't know it all yet!

As for threatening him with a possible future with this woman or with having 50/50 with the children or you going off to a hotel? None of these things get a real reaction. You want to keep him based on fear ?

I would be asking him to leave while you have a break from him. He needs to clear his mind as do you. My ex husband begged and wept to stay with our family. You notice I said EX? Yup this is their panic reaction but then the rest of it starts - the missing the thrill of it all, mourning the affair partner.

No one likes the idea of divorce and the initial feeling can be one of panic . How can I cope? You are playing catch up with him now. Take your time .

AnnieSF · 06/06/2024 18:22

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 06/06/2024 17:42

So today he's left. He went overnight Tuesday for the work trip (where they planned to hook up I suppose). He was all in with me on Monday night, Tuesday texting me being loving all day. Wednesday back to cool and distant. Clearly they've got together and he's had a change of heart again.
He said he still wanted to make it work with me but was probably just staying for the kids and he was worried that he'd hurt me more down the line, that it'd be better for me if we separated. What a load of ..
I told him to leave. He's gone. I've requested a solicitors appointment. I've notified school and told them not to release the kids to him unless I've given written notice.
I am devasted beyond belief and feel like an enormous failure. This is my second marriage (first at 20, lasted 8 years no kids). Feeling beyond rubbish about myself right now. No idea what to tell the kids.
I really want to hate him but I'm just so desperate still for him to change his mind. His heart is clearly still with ow. He clearly no longer loves me but this is just so hard.

I'm so sorry. I didn't see this update before I posted.

Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 06/06/2024 18:30

AnnieSF · 06/06/2024 18:22

I'm so sorry. I didn't see this update before I posted.

Show quote history

That's OK. You were right with it all xx

OP posts:
GinandGingerBeer · 06/06/2024 18:33

Oh I'm so sorry OP
It will hit him, what he's done, what he's given up but by that point you'll be stronger.
Unbelievable how he's chucked a long marriage and his children away on such a whim!
What an utter fool.
One day at a time Flowers

SquirrelSoShiny · 06/06/2024 18:55

He's a fool. You'll be ok OP but for now be very kind and tender towards yourself.

Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 06/06/2024 20:00

I suspect its been going on much longer. He had a wobble with us after a trip at the end of 2022. He gave me some rubbish tale about he wasn't sure why, he just struggled etc etc.
Even he'd be an idiot to throw it away on a few weeks of texts and calls. My guess right now is its been on and off since then.
Feeling like I've been run over by a bus

OP posts:
NecessaryNC24 · 06/06/2024 20:12

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 06/06/2024 17:42

So today he's left. He went overnight Tuesday for the work trip (where they planned to hook up I suppose). He was all in with me on Monday night, Tuesday texting me being loving all day. Wednesday back to cool and distant. Clearly they've got together and he's had a change of heart again.
He said he still wanted to make it work with me but was probably just staying for the kids and he was worried that he'd hurt me more down the line, that it'd be better for me if we separated. What a load of ..
I told him to leave. He's gone. I've requested a solicitors appointment. I've notified school and told them not to release the kids to him unless I've given written notice.
I am devasted beyond belief and feel like an enormous failure. This is my second marriage (first at 20, lasted 8 years no kids). Feeling beyond rubbish about myself right now. No idea what to tell the kids.
I really want to hate him but I'm just so desperate still for him to change his mind. His heart is clearly still with ow. He clearly no longer loves me but this is just so hard.

Im so sorry OP FlowersFlowersFlowers.

Babbahabba · 06/06/2024 20:16

I'm really sorry OP. Be strong and don't let him back if he wobbles and don't do the pick me dance under any circumstances, no matter much you still love him. Stand firm and be kind to yourself.

SportGirl · 06/06/2024 20:22

He will soon come crawling back when she isn't giving him any sex or he gets bored

Walking12345 · 06/06/2024 20:23

Sending hugs

NecessaryNC24 · 06/06/2024 20:37

SportGirl · 06/06/2024 20:22

He will soon come crawling back when she isn't giving him any sex or he gets bored

I hope she won't take him back.

Duckingella · 06/06/2024 21:00

Yet another middle aged man having a mid life crisis and churning out "the script".

Call his bluff;make an appointment with a solicitor to see what your entitled to and speak to charities such as ginger bread,shelter etc

Start the conversation with him about housing,splitting assets,custody schedules and child maintenance-I bet he'll absolutely crap himself,I bet his bit of fluff won't fancy moving to the UK and becoming a step mother.

Absolutely do not dance the pick me dance,you have all the power here;after what he's done do you even want to remain married?

BESTAUNTB · 06/06/2024 21:11

Sorry to read your update OP - sending strength.

I’ve been through it but am now with someone much better.