Husband having emotional affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

My husband has been quite cold with me for a few weeks. I pushed him on it and he said he has feelings for someone else. He promised nothing has physically happened, but the feeling is mutual and her husband is also aware.
What on earth do I do here?
I'm grateful he's told me, the honesty matters.
He says he's not sure if he Still loves me or if he loves here but they are talking regularly (she is in his home country, but they work together remotely and occasionally in person, we live together in the uk)
We have two children together, I don't work.
I want to throw all of my toys out of the pram in the emotion of it all but I want to move forward with him.if I can.
What do I do here? My heart is broken.

And my 'd'h has said he's been getting messages from her as she's furious I spoke to her dh , and now she's furious with him that she's blown up her marriage for nothing. That's very satisfying.

OW doesn’t like women in contact with her DH to discuss intimate details. Her boundaries have been crossed. Funny that…she didn’t appear to have any issue trampling your boundaries when she fucked your husband.

Can I give you another perspective?

I had an emotional affair; didn't mean to or plan to, it happened completely out of the blue.

It made me completely insane basically and has taken me two whole years to come down from, and we are now not in touch but I struggle with it daily and he is literally literally always in the back of my mind.

This is how I know your husband simply cannot have decided with a clear mind to choose you at this stage. It's not far from feeling like a complete breakdown, and neither of you are in a fit state to decide to recommit.

But he still chooses me and the kids.

I'm sorry OP but he hasn't chosen you at all. He literally told you he doesn't love you anymore. He hasn't chosen you as a person, for who you are because he wants to be with you he's chosen you because you are safety and comfort and the easier option then having to forge a new life. Bare in mind he may also be getting his ducks in a row while he lines up a transfer to the ow country.

You deserve alot more then this. Please don't let him use you, your being so so strong, your doing amazing

Not been there myself but this would be my thought. One day he's telling you he doesn't love you and telling your kids he's leaving, the next he wants to be with you again?? Absolutely NOBODY changes their feelings that quickly. At the moment he might be trying to do the "right thing" for the kids but it will only be a matter of time before he confesses he actually still is in love with her and off he goes again...

I promise you, if you go back to this spineless, cheating, lying piece of shit, you will regret it down the line. He’ll either do it again, continue seeing this woman, or you’ll realise you don’t see him the same way.

Show your boys a strong woman. Look forward, not back.

Some really wise and good advice here. He hasn't chosen you, you're the easiest option, till he figures out what to do. Don't take him back.

But are you in the back of his mind daily ?

It's difficult to pin everyones experience to one model due to the different natures of men and women.

It sounds as though you would consider going back to him as your thoughts are still consuming you and you nearly had a breakdown. Some men do this, move in and out of love (what they call love) all their lives with emotional attachments and then quickly discard when faced with reality.

Op knows her h better than we do, the only thing she has learnt from this however is that her h is a very unsafe partner, a disgusting father and someone with low grade morals and void of empathy.

Many of these men love no one but themselves.

It's very easy to think you are special with these men but the only 'special' about them is themselves in many cases.
I agree op shouldn't commit but to tell you the truth that ship has sailed, she won't love him again like before, she's currently adjusting but to say her h has definitely met the love of his live is not definite.

He's an arsehole and arseholes can do anything.
Did your arsehole choose you ?

I'm not the point @FiveZoo

What I'm trying to say is that the OP AND her husband are in a massively heightened state right now, and in recognition of that should both give each other space to cool their jets and see what shakes out of this mess over the coming months.

It would be a massive mistake to recommit right now when it's likely this crisis still has months, and many twists and turns, to run.

I had someone mess me around. 3 year relationship. Had an affair right when I needed a really important post cancer op
i had pushed him away as i was flat one side following a failed mastectomy so was depressed. My reconstruction meant everything to me and he did that 10 days before and was just awful I couldn’t eat and I needed to carry weight for the op
he came home and I let him just to ease the pain
he also blamed me for what he did and I believed him! What a cruel arse
however I then endured a year of him going back and forth between us
every time he came back to me I felt I had won and she had lost
all he was doing was texting her and then would go back
i had stacks of therapy read every book
i was so desperate to “win”
until one day i saw something which made me realise that no matter what I did it didn’t matter
so i left him and i told myself no matter what my heart felt my head said don’t go back
and I never did
he tried for months to get me back and guess what he married her
i realised he fed off the triangulation and having the ability to choose
walk away if you can
if he isn’t with her he will likely start with someone else
he was so sneaky and I lived on my nerves
im happily reconstructed, tattooed with roses and not seen him in a few years
i let him go and as hard as it was i had to value myself more
Its hard but find your strength and let him go if you can
you can never trust him again

And my ‘d’h has said he’s been getting messages from her as she’s furious I spoke to her dh, and now she’s furious with him that she’s blown up her marriage for nothing. That’s very satisfying.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne, with respect, you would be very foolish to feel reassured regarding this turn of events. The erratic behavior of H and OW is off the chain, and it’s going to continue. He changes his mind on a dime. I predict that he will do another flip flop and reunite with her, as he won’t abide her angrily turning away from him and will feel compelled to chase her.

Thanks everyone. Honestly I'm reading all of your replies and it's really helping to form my thoughts.
I'm wondering now what to do work wise. I've thrown myself into job hunting and it's looking quite promising. But I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do in ensuring a fair settlement if we divorce? He had a good job that has always involved long hours and lots of travelling so It was me who took a step back to care the kids but at one point I was the higher earner. I realise now I was so foolish as whilst I'm hopeful to get back somewhere close to where I was, I should have been much higher and earning much more without the break :(

You need to explain this to your solicitor—you took a hit to your career/earning potential in order to allow his career to flourish. You took all of the childcare/household tasks off of his plate so that he could progress.

@Franwith2and1, what a powerful statement you have contributed. You found your grit and have prevailed.

Took a year but got there. That’s what happens when men manipulate triangulate and guilt trip
thank you

I'm so sorry this happened to you. This is horrendous. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It certainly inspires me to be braver and hold my self worth.

Men like your husband are not some prize to be won.
Having women fighting over their cheating arses and trying to win them back only fuels their already enormous egos.

Deep breath OP, don’t make any hasty decisions you will regret later.
He does not deserve you, your love and your loyalty.

He has shown you what he is - a cruel cheat. He has chucked your trust and your marriage down the toilet.

I’d no sooner date him than Donald Trump.

Well who knew I had it me! I am feeling unbelievably rageful today. I am so angry I have no idea where to put myself.
He's off on a work trip tomorrow, practically it makes no difference really as he's not living here. But he came to see the kids yesterday and was talking about how he's really glad of the chance for a break. Its all been so tiring and I have been needing to talk about things every day which he understands but he he finds it hard work.

He finds it hard work?! Wtaf! He finds it hard work?! I'm bubbling with fury. How dare he?! And its all just flooded in. Ows last message to him was she hopes he's happy as he deserves it. So he was telling her he was unhappy obvs. Whilst letting me cook and clean for him and Care for him and the kids and getting into bed with me on a regular basis. I'm sooooo angry. What do I do with all this?

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne you get yourself lawered up. What a pos he is.

Wow he’s so entitled isn’t he! He started this, threw a grenade into your lives and now needs a break! I’m seething for you!
What about you? You’ve been going through all the heartache while caring for your DC and keeping yourself together … no sign of a break for you?
Are you still entertaining “dating” him?

It’s good to get your rage on @Allthegoodonesareg0ne what an entitled fuck wit he is

Nope! Told him to go away!

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne well bloody done!

Good girl 💪🏻

Amazing! 🙌🏻

Sorry for all of the hurt and pain you’re feeling but glad to hear you’ve found your anger.
You husband is a selfish piece of crap and you deserve so much better.
youre doing amazingly- im
in awe of how strong you’re being