Husband having emotional affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

My husband has been quite cold with me for a few weeks. I pushed him on it and he said he has feelings for someone else. He promised nothing has physically happened, but the feeling is mutual and her husband is also aware.
What on earth do I do here?
I'm grateful he's told me, the honesty matters.
He says he's not sure if he Still loves me or if he loves here but they are talking regularly (she is in his home country, but they work together remotely and occasionally in person, we live together in the uk)
We have two children together, I don't work.
I want to throw all of my toys out of the pram in the emotion of it all but I want to move forward with him.if I can.
What do I do here? My heart is broken.

OpP. Don't do it. I did what you did and it doesn't work. Wish I had kept my pride and booted him out.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You must be heartbroken. He doesn't deserve you or your love.

Ok. I had an emotional affair; I didn't plan to, I didn't mean to, I fell for someone incredibly hard and utterly out of the blue. It never got physical apart from once we held hands for a few minutes.

But it took over my head my heart my sanity, everything. I hated it and I was living for it at the same time.

Thing is...it's faded away in its own time and I've got my sanity back, and luckily managed to keep my marriage intact.

I suppose I'm saying that it's very very easy to cry 'LTB' online to a stranger. And I'm not saying you should stay in a relationship you feel is no longer safe or right. But life is long, marriage is long, and sometimes things might go off the rails a bit.

It takes a lot of grace to sit through your partner acting like an absolute cock though - I look at my husband now and know that he is 100 times the man that the drunk texting other man ever was.

He hasn't been honest with you @Allthegoodonesareg0ne . He's only told you because someone else was going to get there first. If that hadn't have happened, the relationship would still be happening.

I'm really sorry. You're in shock at the moment, and a bunch of strangers on the Internet are telling you to leave him. Take time to gather your thoughts. Listen to what he says.

In my case, the emotional affair did escalate to a physical affair. And I stayed for the sake of my child. After 10 years I was broken. I never felt able to trust him, and I finally decided to end the marriage. And I really wish I'd been brave enough to put myself first all those years ago. Because he wasn't sorry for having the affair, he was sorry he was found out.

I don't think he's being honest with you OP. He doesn't seem to grasp that he has dropped a hand grenade in the middle of your life and left you reeling. He's refusing to show you what he's messaged her and presumably is going to carry on working with her? How callous and disrespectful to you. I know you're reeling in shock right now and clinging to the hope that you can salvage the relationship but he doesn't even sound remorseful for what he's done to you 😔 get some support from your close friends/family and give yourself some time to think and plan your next moves. Take care of you 💐

If he was serious about the marriage continuing, he would be doing whatever you asked, throwing himself at his feet begging you to forgive him. At a minimum he needs to prove that he's blocked her on all personal communication apps etc, commit to couple's counselling and take full ownership of his grave error.

'I feel like in the long run, if we can salvage anything, his honesty gains us more trust? '

There is no honesty. He told you because he was going to be found out and you would discover his lies and cheating.

Now he is minimising it.

His name and the word honesty should never be used in the same sentence.

Sadly, from the way you write your mind is already focussing on the fantasy of moving on from this and him turning into Mr Perfect and you all living happy ever after because you are desperate to play his betrayal down.

In the long run if you can salvage anything he needs to be working to salvage.

I feel you are desperately clutching at straws here ( and I don’t blame you).

However, nothing you are saying about his behaviour is showing any remorse or any attempt to save the marriage. I think you need to see that but at the moment you are in too much shock to process what is actually happening. Who is the person that isn’t acting like my DH?

This happens more than you think.
And people do get through it.
They identify the problems they've both being having, and tackle that and the lucky ones , come through stronger than ever.

It sounds like you’re not ready to give up on your marriage, which is okay. So if I were in your shoes, here’s what I would do: INSIST on marriage counselling. Immediately. Non-negotiable. In marriage counselling, I would address the non-apology and the refusal to show you the messages. After you have some clarity through counselling, you’ll be in a position to understand if the good in your marriage outweighs the bad, what his attitude/accountability is, and whether you should stay or go.

How awful for you. You must be absolutely devastated. He’s a coward and only told you because he thought the husband would tell you. I would leave him to it. It’ll be his loss. Maybe something better is waiting for you. He really doesn’t deserve you. Don’t fight for him. He’s not worth it. He should cherish his family over everything. Now you know about it it’ll be less exciting for him anyway. Let him go. He’ll think differently when they’re bickering and experiencing real life together.

Maintain your self respect! You can get through this.x

They've apparently talked a bit but no firm plans yet

They (the new couple) will inform you (the wronged wife) when they've made their plans, will they? Let you know if your present life can carry on?

Can you hear the deep sarcasm in my words, OP?

GET ANGRY!

How dare this pitiful apology for a man and his foolish other woman imagine they hold all the cards? Get angry. Contact a solicitor about a divorce. Work out where you and the children are going to live and where you will get money (benefit checking online?). Get angry and stay angry for a few months (or longer) until you and the dc are settled. Then if you still want to cry, you can give it your attention.

Don't - beg him to stay/accept his staying/try to please him or win him back. Don't waste your time and energy on these things. He's already gone.

He has hurt you so badly. And yet doesn't seem that bothered about it.

What a cruel man he is.

My exh did this. I am still amazed at the casual cruelty he showed me over and over.

I know you're shocked and want to salvage things but he's really shown you what he is. And it doesn't look great.

In my experience, they've done it once, you will always be looking, listening, watching out. It's mental torture.

Take some control back. Even whilst you are thinking things over. Do not be nicey nicey in the hope he will revert back to 'loving' you. Be cold, distant and detached if only to keep some sanity whilst you make your decisions. Your decisions. Not his.

Op listen to this post. Absolutely take the control back. It's not about will he stay it's about will you stay and I don't think you should. This has shown poor character , not that i condone a one off mistake but I do understand that sometimes ppl make mistakes but this is on going, long , and at no opportunity has he stopped to think of you and the kids. Don't boost his ego by asking him not to contact her. Tell him he needs to leave.

Pack your bags OP, not his!

I'd be telling him I needed some space to process this and taking myself off to a hotel/best mates/parents for a week and leaving him to sort the kids. He doesn't get to blow up your world and then try and brush it under the carpet so you can carry on as normal.

Fuck that.

I'm sorry Op, but yes it's ridiculous to suggest that in a marriage, someone being unfaithful and then honest about it, could mean there is more trust and it's somehow good for the marriage.

The only way to have trust in a relationship is not to lie and cheat. He's already broken that. Your marriage is already damaged, and his 'honesty' now won't mend that.

His 'honesty' now is only because he thought her husband was going to tell you. He was formed into being honest. If her husband hadn't found out, you would still be oblivious, and they would still be secretly planning the exit from their marriages and how they could be together properly.

He's told you he loves her. Why on earth do you want to stay married to someone who loves another woman?

OP he would never have told you if he didn't think you were at risk of being told.

Kick his sorry ass out! The only difference would be if he came to you and said I need to talk to you I've fucked up I am so sorry this is what I'm going to do about. But he hasn't.

I forgave my ex H for infidelity and he did it again after we'd been married seven years and had a 2YO. I will never ever forgive such a thing, the exception being if it was something like the above but even then with my personal experience it would probably still be a no.

And you do realise if they were geographically close this would be physical by now...

They've apparently talked a bit but no firm plans yet

They (the new couple) will inform you (the wronged wife) when they've made their plans, will they? Let you know if your present life can carry on?

Absolutely this. The gall of this man. I'd be raging!

They HAVE met in person, unless I misread the OP...

they work together remotely and occasionally in person

From OP's opening post.

He’s in that obsessive stage. When he is addicted to the fantasy of her and the escapism. So he can’t think straight either.
That ‘fantasy’ only wanes when reality hits. Even now the drama of you finding out, her husband etc is feeding the obsession.
He needs a sharp shock. To face the consequences of his choices. And then maybe he can genuinely decide if he wants to fight for his marriage. Tell him to go, whilst YOU decide what you want next. And then let him fester somewhere and realise it’s not going to be a bed of roses.

He says he's not sure if he Still loves me or if he loves here but they are talking regularly

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne please don't let yourself be the default choice. You deserve better than that. Make the choice for him and cut him loose. I'm sorry I know it hurts.

He loves another woman, he no longer loves you, he's just trying to soften the enevitable blow.

This is EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CATCH A CHEATER. He is not your friend Op. How dare he marry you, commit to children and then decide he’s not sure.

Honestly, I'm reading all your replies and I'm so so grateful. I feel like someone's died. I really would have thought I was a stronger person than this but I'm just sitting here balling every five minutes. I can't eat, I haven't slept. I can't believe this is happening to me.
He's shown me the text now, and I'm nodding along with everything but my mind is whirling and I've made no actual decisions for myself yet.
I've been trying to set some boundaries but he's sulking and pushing everyone which is actually pretty helpful and in my mind he's always been this rock of mine but I'm really seeing the sulky little boy in him and I'm seeing where that was before but I was too blinkered and too manipulated into thinking I was in the wrong. This is a total head you know what