Husband having emotional affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

My husband has been quite cold with me for a few weeks. I pushed him on it and he said he has feelings for someone else. He promised nothing has physically happened, but the feeling is mutual and her husband is also aware.
What on earth do I do here?
I'm grateful he's told me, the honesty matters.
He says he's not sure if he Still loves me or if he loves here but they are talking regularly (she is in his home country, but they work together remotely and occasionally in person, we live together in the uk)
We have two children together, I don't work.
I want to throw all of my toys out of the pram in the emotion of it all but I want to move forward with him.if I can.
What do I do here? My heart is broken.

Sorry yes they have met in person but apparently only occasionally and not since this ea started x

He’s not being honest though? Not through choice anyway.
He only told you as he was worried her husband would.

Don’t let him bully you. It seems the was he’s reacting is that he is petulant that you put an end to his “fun”. He seems to see you as the problem and not his absolutely shit behaviour.

Do go out and get some space if he is not respecting your boundaries. Consider going out for a few hours without Dc as I bet you are carrying on with all your responsibilities and are prob crying in the bathroom when you get 5 mins to yourself.

I really do feel you.

What an idiot. But as he's told you and she's told her husband, I would be prepared for him wanting to end the marriage. So sorry OP.

I really wouldn’t recommend counselling. It’s not recommended where there is abuse. And affairs are abusive. The lying, gaslighting and minimising are all abusive behaviours. Get counselling for yourself instead. Because you've probably been dealing with an awful lot of entitled selfish behaviour for a very long time and now you’ve got betrayal trauma to deal with as well.

You could make him stay, you could insist on counselling that he wont really participate in. You could beg him and try a variety of ways to keep the family together. But you’ll only be kicking the can further down the road. Affairs break the bond and there is alarming statistics telling us what we already knew, which is that cheaters are three times more likely to cheat again. I’d be surprised if this was his first affair.

You will probably feel inclined to keep him close but that is the trauma talking. Tell him to go and stay somewhere else so you can have some space. You cannot even begin to process what’s happened while the source of your pain is right in front of you.

'he's sulking'

Translation - he's fucked off about being caught out and having to admit to good 'ol dependable wifey who dotes on him that he's actually a complete waste of space.

Take off the rose tinted glasses and let the scales fall from your eyes.

Regardless of him being a liar and a cheat the fact that a grown arse man is sulking is utterly repellent.

He's shown you his true colours and his complete lack of character.

Cry and cry it out and then you will build yourself up by drawing on your inner strength.

You are better than him. You've been a good wife and mother. He's a rotten to the core douche bag.

The sulking may turn to anger so please make sure you're safe and ask him to leave the minute he starts being aggressive, whether it be shouting or throwing something.

Speaking from the toughest experience, OP, you can't end someone else's relationship - it doesn't work like that. He has to want to end it and he clearly doesn't at the moment. It's easy for him to tell you "Oh yeah, it's finished now" - you didn't know it had started until recently so if he slid straight back into the relationship you'd be none the wiser.

Personally I think that someone in your husband's position has lost respect for his partner. The way to regain that isn't by pleading with him (I know how much you want to stay married, so this isn't critical at all) but by saying "I've had enough of this. I'm not putting up with it. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow and the marriage has ended."

I know a lot will disagree with me here but I do think it's the only way to shake him out of his lovelorn ways and make him realise what he's missing.

Now if he thinks, "Great, I can be with the OW" then you haven't lost anything but you have kept your self respect because you've made the decision. If he realises what he's lost then the onus is on him to do something to remedy things. Don't allow him to think you're doing the pick-me dance. Show him your strong side, the one where you say, "If you don't want me, then fuck off."

I'm sorry but it doesn't look good . As others have said get some counselling for you .
The blunt facts are that he has prioritised this woman over you and his family .
It is also significant that he only told you when he thought you would be told by the OW's spouse .
Difficult as it is I would ask to see all the messages between them and got him to show you -,complete transparency .
I would also ask him to leave and if you are able to get practical support from friends / family lean on them .

Emotional affairs are very damaging to any relationship and sadly there is no comfort from the fact that it wasn't physical ( yet ) . That may not even be the case sadly as he will be minimising and gaslighting you .
Things I would want to know the volume / frequency of messaging . How long has it gone on for ? A timeline of what had happened when . What was the nature of the messaging - sexual pics etc .

I think although very painful it is important for you to know the facts and what you are dealing with .

I am sorry that he has said he loves the Ow . There will be an element of fantasy for this - they haven't dealt with the boring routine parts of a relationship .

Take care of yourself - you are in shock just now and there will be other stages to go through including anger .

Thanks so much everyone. I am still reading through and honestly your advice, honesty and support is so helpful. I had to take a little break as it was just too much.
He's given me a better outline now. I know who she is, I know when it started, I've seen the message that ended it. It was a lot of flattery between them, some sexting, I don't believe any pics (hurrah for the fact that young women have some sense these days!) But lots of talk about both being unhappy and wanting something different.
We've had days of talking (so drained) and dh is saying sitting and talking without anger and looking at me snapped him back to sense and he's sitting looking at losing the woman he loves. It's hard to buy into that though when a week ago he was plotting a future with another woman.
I do think that some of his change of heart has come from me pointing out that she's 30 and childless so he was looking at a future repeating itself.. I told him ten years from now they'll be where we are, they'll be elbow deep in kids and marriage except he'll also already have two that she'll have to sacrifice time and money and his attentions too. Meanwhile I'll be enjoying the end of child rearing and enjoying my time with someone who actually treats me well. I got a good kick out of seeing his face as that reality dawned.
As lots of you said I was in pick me mode but suddenly found the last bit of my self respect and told him I need to think about it all now

And you're gonna accept that and be the other woman in his life?

How so? He's told me (I appreciate it might be lies) he's all in with working it out with me. I've told him I need to think about it.

I totally agree regards knowing the facts. He couldn't understand why i needed it and I couldn't explain but I felt I had to know everything. I feel now part of that was to stop it feeling a secret, precious thing between them. I feel like I really needed that before I could even begin to think past it all

Op I can completely understand your desire to save your marriage, and all the mixed feelings too. Take your time, see what's best for you, if he's being truthful, he will put the effort in.

I can understand your desire to save your marriage but keep a close eye on him and stay in control. You sound happier but your marriage has been rocked and may never be the same. You might come out of this with a stronger marriage but on your part the trust has been broken, that will take years to get back ( or it might not be gained again fully). Keep us posted and keep strong!

Exactly
Op, it seems you are trying to do all the ‘salvaging’ despite the fact that your dh is in the wrong.
I don’t know how people cope in these situations.
I just couldn’t put up with a middle aged man behaving like a love sick puppy . It would be a complete turn off
The main problem is that he is not being honest with you. He is going to continue this thing that he has with this other woman .
He doesn’t respect you and really couldn’t give a hoot about your feelings and the fact that he is destroying his marriage

Its definitely a turn off. We've talked hours and hours since Saturday morning and one of the things I kept thinking is how he has shrunk in my eyes (I told him too). He was this big, safe, loving embodiment of home for me. And in these few days I've seen an immature, weak, selfish person I don't recognise.
I truly believe I've seen him snap out of his little fantasy in these few days, but whether i can see him the same, I don't think so. A big part of our conversations was that if we continue together we are building something new.
I'm not sure where I'll land yet
I'm not sure I trust my own judgement at this point.. I'm struggling with the fact that I'd be putting my faith in what I thought I had and that isn't really real. I desperately want to keep my family together. I've exposed the rawest emotions these few days and it's made me feel really weak. I've had moments where I've found my self respect, and my instinct to protect myself keeps popping up but I wouldn't have expected to be as weak as I feel I've been, at the bottom of
It all I just want him. I think I'm head vs heart at the moment :(

Can you get some space away to gather your thoughts?

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne, have you actually read all of their messages or has he just ‘summarized’ them for you? I wouldn’t even consider reconciling until I had seen everything. You must have full knowledge of all you are forgiving.

II hope this works out the way you want it to. Please remember that these situations rarely end well ultimately. Just in case, as other people have mentioned, I would get all the financial papers together that you will need if things go south.

I haven't read them all. I don't know if I want to if I'm being honest. He's told me what they contain. I don't understand the language but I could of course put them through translate.
He's not keen to share them, but I think he would. He keeps pushing that this is his flaw, his responsibility and he doesn't feel right to expose her like that. It's over. Naturally I'm pretty upset at that, on paper it feels like he's protecting her, which I hate. On the other hand I know him (or thought I did). I think he's coming from a right place. I spoke with her (ow) husband who has seen the messages and it seems all in line with what my dh has told me.

I've got everything in order. I'll be fine financially I think. I've checked what child support and benefits I might be entitled too.
Thank god I had the common sense when I stopped working to make sure I was protected. I had a small savings pot in only my name that dh pays into, he also pays into a pension for me monthly. I used some inheritance to buy an investment property and this week I've found copies of his p60 and pension statements.
I feel good knowing I'd be OK if that's what happens..

I expect they say negative things about you and his life with you and so he doesn't want to share them as he knows if you saw the exact words, they'd stay in your mind forever.

You sound sensible though OP, you can't switch your feelings off, but I think seeing him as diminished will carry on bugging you. Either you will back together, or perhaps more likely, you will see him for someone much more flawed than you assumed, and even want to be with him less over time. Either way I wish you luck.

I've spoken to some Real life friends today, which has been really good.
I didn't want too at first, partly to protect him I suppose but also because I felt humiliated.
But it felt good to feel so much support. I'm trying to make sure that I don't choose to stay because I have too, and make sure it's all a conscious choice

Thank you. They do contain negative things about me. He's told me that himself. He's quite convincing in how ashamed he is about it.
He talked about not being happy and things not being what they once were. He told her all our interactions are 'heavy' but with her its all light (obviously! She's not raising his kids, administrating his household and cleaning his toilets!).
They had discussed him leaving me.
It was all very hard to hear. During the time it was happening though he couldn't look at me, or touch me and was very off. I'd been asking him over and over what was up and he'd said work stress. But I (naively perhaps) feel reassured that he could t say those things to her and look at me in the eye.
I've poured over our own texts during that time and I can pin point exactly where it started which aligns with what he and the other husband have told me. All of a sudden and messages were shorter, less kisses on the end, no I love yous unless I said them first. It hurts me to see it that way but I'm pleased In a sense that his guilt/ discomfort/ apathy was so obvious

Now that the veil has been removed from your eyes and you see him for the weak selfish man he is at his core, unless he does everything in his power to prove you are his one and only true love and he has no feelings for her you may end up resenting him - be prepared for this feeling as it could end up you leaving him rather than the other way round. Your marriage will never be the same make sure you get what you want (put yourself first as hes proved he never will) Don't waste years of your life being 2nd best or wondering if he secretly wants her. So glad tou know you can leave financially at any time this gives you some power back at least