Page 10 | Husband having emotional affair

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 2024-06-01T11:00:00+00:00

My husband has been quite cold with me for a few weeks. I pushed him on it and he said he has feelings for someone else. He promised nothing has physically happened, but the feeling is mutual and her husband is also aware. What on earth do I do here? I'm grateful he's told me, the honesty matters. He says he's not sure if he Still loves me or if he loves here but they are talking regularly (she is in his home country, but they work together remotely and occasionally in person, we live together in the uk) We have two children together, I don't work. I want to throw all of my toys out of the pram in the emotion of it all but I want to move forward with him.if I can. What do I do here? My heart is broken.

HazelBite · 14/06/2024 22:52

My heart bleeds for him!!!!
It must be so hard when your wife doesn't comply with your needs and do exactly what you want with sympathy and understanding, he must be exhausted with it all, poor thing!

WesleyNeverDies · 20/06/2024 19:37

Been following the thread. I hope you're doing okay OP. You've been through so much! Take care 💐

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 21/06/2024 07:30

I'm doing OK. Thanks for checking up on me :) a week ago the ows dh forwarded on some messages he'd found that prove they slept together on the work trip as I thought. He was very sorry, again. He tried to justify that that happened before he 'chose me' and asked to come home. The messages supported that he's ended it but that's so far besides the point.
Me and the kids are plodding on

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Secondstart1001 · 21/06/2024 07:39

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne that must be quite raw as sounds like the recent work trip.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 21/06/2024 07:48

Im sorry OP💐

its the endless lying and still trying to play both ends to the middle

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 21/06/2024 07:56

Secondstart1001 · 21/06/2024 07:39

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne that must be quite raw as sounds like the recent work trip.

Yep it was the one he went on the Tuesday having told me about her on the Saturday. He came back weird and I knew something had happened but he denied it. He has admitted he text me from her room to say he was back at his hotel and loved and missed me

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SquirrelSoShiny · 21/06/2024 09:02

God he really is a shameless piece of shit isn't he? I'm sorry OP. The lies would be utterly exhausting. I hope you're done with him you'll never trust him again.

WesleyNeverDies · 21/06/2024 19:24

Ugh, that's awful. So sorry OP. At least you know the truth though- and the fact that he hid it until you found out another way just confirms again that you really cannot trust him, unfortunately.

Plodding on is good- slow and steady! You'll get there.

Secondstart1001 · 06/07/2024 08:49

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne how is it going? Hope you are getting support in real life x

wiggleweggle · 06/07/2024 11:57

He's an idiot.

Justanothermum9421 · 06/12/2024 20:29

OP... I came across this thread and am invested - what happened?! I hope you are as ok as can be, what a number he did on you

Daschund · 07/12/2024 07:49

I just saw your thread. I hope you and your boys are doing well no matter what you decided.

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 12/12/2024 20:06

Sorry everyone, I've not logged in for months. Your support though meant everything.

Oh my it's been a roller coaster. I honestly wondered if I'd survive it for a while, never mind us.

The first few weeks after I heard from her husband were hard. My DH was in and out of the house to visit but still living away. He was saying he wanted to make it work but then was still holding back on details, getting irritated etc. Then his DM pretended she had cancer (that's a whole other story!). So he went there for a week at the end of July and that was a real turning point. While he was away something switched in me and I started to genuinely consider if he was for me. Clearly he wasn't who I thought. I told him that during that week. I told him if a 30 year old , with all that comes with that was what he wanted then that wasn't me. I wanted a mature man, I am enjoying this stage of life and looking forward to the freedoms of having older kids. And I meant every word. I think it really shook him.
He asked me to bring the kids and join him for a few days and then he organised a remote holiday home for us. I knew he had turned a corner when he picked us up at the airport.
Those few weeks were hard but also really restorative. No work, no calls no texts just the 4 of us.
He's not stopped trying since and is really working on himself and us.
It's really not been easy, I still cry a lot and have spent big chunks of these 6 months envisaging life without him - and I'm not afraid of that anymore. The trust isn't there yet, but in many ways things are better than they were before.
Honestly, in the beginning I just clawed for my life back, but in reality that had already gone. Once I accepted that, I could decide if he was worth building something new with. I wouldn't say I'm 100% sure this is it for me yet, but in many ways things are better than they've been in years. Trust is still not there but it is improving.

Honestly, i can't say I'd ever fight for any marriage like that again, if I'd really understood what this would entail. But I am starting to find some gratitude, not for what he did but for what's come out of it, for me and for us

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momtoboys · 12/12/2024 20:24

I hope that things ultimately work out the way you want them to. You are a very forgiving woman.

Secondstart1001 · 12/12/2024 20:51

I am glad for you though know that every day it’s hard to build that trust and come to terms with that deceit. What happened to the ow? Does she work with your H still?
Sounds like you are on a journey right now and I’m glad he’s prioritising you. It’s the only way you can start to make something new again. It has to be built around your needs as you’ve suffered so much. Take good care of yourself op x

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 12/12/2024 21:24

Secondstart1001 · 12/12/2024 20:51

I am glad for you though know that every day it’s hard to build that trust and come to terms with that deceit. What happened to the ow? Does she work with your H still?
Sounds like you are on a journey right now and I’m glad he’s prioritising you. It’s the only way you can start to make something new again. It has to be built around your needs as you’ve suffered so much. Take good care of yourself op x

Thank you. T
hey still work for the same company, but in different countries. He's seeking a new job ( his choice ). He has slightly reshuffled his own team so that he delegates anything that might involve her, and is refusing any business travel where she would be in attendance so he's not travelled anywhere for the last 3 months.
He's also given me access to all his communication methods and I have his WhatsApp on my laptop.
Last I heard from her husband they weren't together. I'm not surprised. The messages her husband found and sent me detailed the end of her relationship with my DH. She reached out to him after I'd asked him a to leave following the trip where they'd slept together a couple of days after he told me about her (at that point I didn't know about them having sex) because she'd heard from her husband he'd moved out. The conversation was basically my husband saying he'd made an awful mistake and telling her to go fix things with her dh. She proceeded to write an essay about specialthat night had been and how loved she felt, how in love she was and what a happy future my dh was giving up staying with me and how she couldn't dare speak to her husband for fear of saying my husbands name etc etc. My dh replied telling her to stop contact, that he loved his wife.
I'm grateful I got to see those messages but my heart breaks still for her husband too

OP posts:

sunflowersngunpowdr · 12/12/2024 21:54

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 12/12/2024 20:06

Sorry everyone, I've not logged in for months. Your support though meant everything.

Oh my it's been a roller coaster. I honestly wondered if I'd survive it for a while, never mind us.

The first few weeks after I heard from her husband were hard. My DH was in and out of the house to visit but still living away. He was saying he wanted to make it work but then was still holding back on details, getting irritated etc. Then his DM pretended she had cancer (that's a whole other story!). So he went there for a week at the end of July and that was a real turning point. While he was away something switched in me and I started to genuinely consider if he was for me. Clearly he wasn't who I thought. I told him that during that week. I told him if a 30 year old , with all that comes with that was what he wanted then that wasn't me. I wanted a mature man, I am enjoying this stage of life and looking forward to the freedoms of having older kids. And I meant every word. I think it really shook him.
He asked me to bring the kids and join him for a few days and then he organised a remote holiday home for us. I knew he had turned a corner when he picked us up at the airport.
Those few weeks were hard but also really restorative. No work, no calls no texts just the 4 of us.
He's not stopped trying since and is really working on himself and us.
It's really not been easy, I still cry a lot and have spent big chunks of these 6 months envisaging life without him - and I'm not afraid of that anymore. The trust isn't there yet, but in many ways things are better than they were before.
Honestly, in the beginning I just clawed for my life back, but in reality that had already gone. Once I accepted that, I could decide if he was worth building something new with. I wouldn't say I'm 100% sure this is it for me yet, but in many ways things are better than they've been in years. Trust is still not there but it is improving.

Honestly, i can't say I'd ever fight for any marriage like that again, if I'd really understood what this would entail. But I am starting to find some gratitude, not for what he did but for what's come out of it, for me and for us

Good for you, hope it all works out for you guys and 2025 is a great year for you x

imfae · 12/12/2024 22:48

Hi Op , That sounds a very positive update and that you are both wanting to work in the relationship .

I am glad you also realised that you could survive without him and that gave you the strength to look at what you wanted from the relationship, rather than just reeling from the awful situation you found yourself in .

I am no expert, as sadly my own relationship did not survive but I have read quite a lot . I do know some of the theory although I have failed on the practical side . ...

I just wanted to mention as can't remember if it was something you had already done . But have you gone through any counselling? The recommendations seem to be for individual then joint couples counselling . I do get that therapy isn't for everyone and that the cost is also a factor .

Either way I hope that 2024 was a blip in your relationship and that 2025 will continue to bring happiness for you and your family .

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 13/12/2024 13:29

imfae · 12/12/2024 22:48

Hi Op , That sounds a very positive update and that you are both wanting to work in the relationship .

I am glad you also realised that you could survive without him and that gave you the strength to look at what you wanted from the relationship, rather than just reeling from the awful situation you found yourself in .

I am no expert, as sadly my own relationship did not survive but I have read quite a lot . I do know some of the theory although I have failed on the practical side . ...

I just wanted to mention as can't remember if it was something you had already done . But have you gone through any counselling? The recommendations seem to be for individual then joint couples counselling . I do get that therapy isn't for everyone and that the cost is also a factor .

Either way I hope that 2024 was a blip in your relationship and that 2025 will continue to bring happiness for you and your family .

Thank you so much. Yes thank you ive been in counselling for nearly two years thank goodness. It's been an absolute godsend to have already have a therapist I trusted and felt comfortable with. My DH has said recently he would do therapy if i wanted - but I personally think he needs to get to a place he can see its value.

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